Happy, Sad Moments

*I hope this post doesn't rub anyone the wrong way or cause any ill
feelings towards me. This is just something that's been weighing on my
heart (and my husband's for that matter) for the past couple of weeks.*

This week, this pregnancy crossed over into unchartered territory. I'm
officially more pregnant than I've ever been.

I love this baby. I want her here, alive in my arms. I feel so
torn. I can no longer say, "I'd give anything to have her back."
Because I wouldn't give up this baby for her. I love them both
equally. I want to feel the weight of both of them in my arms. I want
to press rewind and have Ella swirling around in my belly. Yet, I want
to hurry forward and have this one in my arms kicking and screaming. I
can't go back, so I march forward. I become a hysterical mess when I
allow myself to imagine birthing this baby and hearing her cry for the
first time. The happy tears then turn to sad tears as I realize that
is something I never experienced with Ella. Will all of the moments
with this baby be happy, sad moments? Right now, it feels like it.
Watching her cut a tooth, take her first steps, attend her first day
of school, meet her first love... All milestones I pray I experience
with Nora. And as I witness them, they'll be tinged with sadness. Sadness for what I missed out on (what she missed out on,
too) with my first born daughter.





Thank you to Gracie's mom, Monica for taking writing Ella's name at Lake Sacajawea in Washington. I will never tire of seeing her name. xoxo

What She's Not

Ella is not my or this baby's guardian angel. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. It's not supposed to. Here's the thing. When I got pregnant with Ella, there were a few people who told me that Ella was a gift (she was/is) and that my father was watching over us. So, of course, after I lost her, I spent several weeks furious with my father.

Why didn't he watch over me?
Why didn't he protect her?
I just watched my father die, why did I have to watch her die, too?
Maybe he was mad at me for allowing him to die.
Maybe he took this baby from me...

I eventually learned to let these thoughts go and realized that my dad was probably right there with me as I lost her, sharing in my grief. But because of this experience, I know that I could never put that responsibility on Ella. Sure if everything works out, it would be easy to say that Ella guided this baby safely to us. But the fact is, it may not work out. And, I can't put that responsibility on my innocent baby. Do I get angry when others say that Ella is watching over Nora? No, not at all. What I do believe is that Ella is with us. And, that she wants her mother and father to have a living baby in their arms.

Happy Valentine's Day, Ella!

Just sharing the beautiful pictures I received this week. I am so blessed to have made so many wonderful friends here in the blogging world. Friends that think of my baby as often as I do. I love you all! Happy Valentine's Day! xoxo


Thank you to Lucas' and Thomas' mom, Kelly.


Thank you to Ciaran's mom, Bir for this beautiful Valentine.



This yummy treat was made by Bryston's and Peanut's mom, Jennifer. Thank you!


Thank you to Grace Willow's mom, Megan.



Thank you to Chaya's mom, Shannon.


Thank you to Kathlyn's mom, Beth.


Another great one from, Beth.

Belated Thank You's

Just wanted to publicly thank some wonderful ladies for these beautiful gifts. Knowing that someone is thinking of me and of Ella always makes my heart smile. :) I apologize for the crappy photography. My snapshots don't do these thoughtful gifts justice.


Thank you to Kathlyn's mom, Beth for these adorable soaps. We decided one cupcake is for Ella and one is for her sister. They smell like cupcakes, too. Yum!


Thank you to Meredith's mom, Sarita for sending this beautiful ornament. It arrived on Christmas eve. I love it so much, I didn't put it away with my usual Christmas stuff. It's hard to see, but Ella's name is engraved on the front and the heart is her birthstone, aquamarine.


Thank you to, Kelli for this beautiful "E" ornament. I have learned so much from you, Kelli. You are amazing!


This beauty arrived for Ella just in time for Christmas, too. I had the hardest time finding butterfly ornaments this year. This is just perfect. Thank you to Levi's mom, Rebekah. Rebekah is currently in the hospital with some pregnancy complications. If you can, stop by her blog and send her some love.


Thank you to Hannah's mom, Katy for this beautiful plaque. I just love the inscription,
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.
Before you were born, I set you apart."

And a shout out to Janessa's mom, Malory who created a button for Ella's Parade of Butterflies. You can see it to the right. Thank you so much, Malory!

The Good Ol' Days

I have many ideas for posts running through my head. But, I'll spare you my whining about my sore, bedrested bottom. This morning, my husband (Yes, he was actually up before noon. Again...) and I were reflecting on the last time we were truly happy (Yes, we do have moments of happiness now, but they are often a bit clouded by our grief). When coercing my husband to take this trip to Europe in 2007, I told him that we needed to do this or start having babies. I also mentioned that we were lucky because all four of our parents were still in good health and that we didn't have any responsibilities that were preventing us from going. Shortly upon return, his mother was diagnosed with cancer. And, then my father died and well, you know how the rest of the story goes. Hmmm... Intuition? This was truly a trip of a lifetime. And, I am so glad we went before everything went to shit.

We saw beautiful sights.


Prague


Venice


Bologna


Florence


Rome

Drank and ate way too much.


Tuscany


Bologna


Prague Beer Garden

And, ate gelato twice a day. If you've been to Italy in August, you understand why this was necessary.


Bologna


Tuscany

Ah, good times. I can't wait to go and see some more of the world. Hopefully, next time there will be an extra person in tow.