Love

**Updated

I love:

my precious baby

my family- my husband, my mom, my brother, and sister, my niece and nephews

my blog buddies

my friends

my pets- my beautiful dog, Cassidy and my loving cat, Patches. That's me, Cassidy, and Ella (in my belly) in January at the beach.

walks at the beach

a good meal

a spa day

cool summer nights

a full moon

a good book

bubble baths

blogging

hot power yoga

butterflies

my necklace that has ella's foot prints on it

the quilt i had made with my dad's hawaiian shirts

the blanket ella was wrapped in that i sleep with every night

traveling (which I've done none of in the past two years, but i still love it)

watching the new season of weeds and entourage

Random Thought: What's up with word verification? What purpose does it serve? I always find myself trying to unscramble the word and see if it spells something. I guess I'm trying to see if there's a hidden meaning or a sign. It bugs me, I'm going to remove it from my blog.

Retouched Photos

After thinking about it for a while, I decided to submit Ella's pictures for retouching to this site. I'm pretty happy with the result. I think retouching the bruising will make the photo a little easier to look at. Though, I think I still prefer her original photo. It is more obvious to me now even more that she looks like my husband. I couldn't decide if I was going to post her picture here or not. But, decided to take the plunge and go for it.

p.s. these are not my hands. I wish they were my hands, but they are those of the angel nurse that cared for me and Ella.

Hate

I hate...

My life.

That I'm depressed and miserable all day because I miss my baby.

That I live in a neighborhood where I have to see young couples with their babies everywhere I freaking go.

That I have two baskets full of stuff sitting in my closet that Ella will never use.

That most of the human population fails to understand the depth of what I'm experiencing. That people don't equate my loss with the loss of a child.

That it seems that everyone around me is pregnant and I am not. And that some of those people still have the audacity to complain that they're uncomfortable, fat, miserable...

That people ignore me because they don't know what to say.

That trying to get pregnant again is work.

The freaking two week wait.

That I am unsure of when I'll have a baby in my arms again.

That my husband is depressed and doesn't want to take a vacation because he thinks we'll just come home and be unhappy again.

That I'm back to work and that I have to pretend to be okay and happy every second. It's exhausting and I've never been good at supressing my feelings.

That I work with kids. I hate putting all my energy into other people's children when I so desperately want to have one of my own. I hate having to look into the faces of these kids and wonder if Ella would have been like them. I wish I worked in a freaking office.

That I will never know what color Ella's eyes were. That I'll never see her smile. That I basically know nothing about her.

That I've only been back to work for 2 weeks and I'm already getting my first cold. Just a reminder that I was sick like every couple of weeks when I was pregnant with Ella because kids are germ factories.

That my dad died. I hate seeing my mom alone. I hate that on top of the loss, she lost her house, her car...

Scratch that. I don't hate my life. I hate the universe.

Is it weird that

I lurk on my friend's baby shower registry? I'm not going to the shower, but for some reason, I keep checking her registry.

I was looking at baby urns online, even though we already have one for Ella's ashes?

Ella's Angel Wings

I received Ella's angel wings from Lea today. This picture does not do these little wings justice. They are so beautiful, precious, and delicate. Just like my Ella. Thank you for warming my heart today, Lea.

I'm a Crappy Teacher

Tomorrow is the sixth day of classes and I probably know 10% of my kid's names. Sometimes, I look at certain kids and say to myself, "have you been in this class the whole time?" I'm exhausted. I only have it in me to present the lesson and then let the kids figure it out for themselves. They make messes, spill, aren't following along, and I don't care. I don't have it in me. Thankfully, there are only seven days left of the summer session.

If I truly have to return to work full time in the fall, I want to work here.

Totally off topic question: have any of you tried these early pregnancy tests? They claim that you can test as early as 7 DPO. I have 2 in my nightstand right now. I'm contemplating when I'm going to start testing...

** I made the above picture at my mom's this weekend. We had a hard time photographing it in the dark, so my brother added the cool effects.

Walking With You - Naming Our Babies

Thanks, Emily for introducing me to Walking With You.



Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. Thank you to those of you who have joined us for the past few weeks...for courageously sharing your stories. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome.

This week, we are sharing how we chose the names for our babies and any special meaning behind them.

When we started trying to get pregnant, my husband bought me a baby name book. It was fun scannning through the book and choosing names for our future children. We knew that with our last name being twelve letters, the first name had to be short and easy to pronounce. Right away, Evan and Ella were put at the top of our list. I loved the name Ella because it meant "one who travels." I loved the idea of my daughter getting to travel and see the world. I'd hope we'd have many adventures together. Even though, Ella was our top pick, we had other names on our list too. We liked Serena, Amelia, Nora, Erin, and Clare. We were still exploring names when I went into preterm labor. The week I was on bedrest, I declared that her name was Ella. Our nickname for her is Ella Bella. When she was born, I did hesitate for a second when the nurse asked us for her name. I loved the name Ella so much and hated the idea of never getting to use it again. But, she was Ella, it just suited her.

Typical

Had my u/s this morning. I don't feel defeated just yet, but I'm feeling a little down about the results. I DO have one and only one dominant follicle. Hallelujah! But, it's not as big as it should be for day 13 in my cycle. I think it was somewhere around 1.4 cm. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it should be somewhere around 1.8 cm. Therefore, my doctor thinks I won't be ovulating until Friday or Saturday. She wants to look at the follicle again on Friday and go from there. Thankfully, I don't work Fridays so it's not a big deal to go back. I guess it could be worse. I could have no follicles at all or I could have had several. But, the waiting has been killing me and now I have to wait two more days. I'm thinking about a post Kate wrote last month. Still hoping the universe is kind to me and my little (soon to be big, I hope) follicle.

Work has been all consuming, it's exhausting. All I can do in the evenings is come home, crank up the AC, check in with my emails and blogs, and veg in front of the TV. Please know I'm reading all of your messages and posts, I've just been too tired to comment. I took today off work to go to my doctor's appointment. So, I'm looking forward to just laying around and being lazy.

Random Thought of the Day: Is it supposed to be hard to pee on a stick?

I'm Still Alive

Well, I survived my first day back to work. I was amazed at how quickly everything came back to me. It was if I hadn't been gone for the last five months. Nothing extraordinary happened. I saw a few of my collegues from the regular school I work at during the year. I was a little sad because they didn't bring up Ella or what happened. Last night I went out to the garage to retrieve some supplies I needed for today and realized that I had gotten rid of them when we moved in March. I purged a lot of my teacher crap during the move under the impression that I would be taking several years off to care for my baby. So that was just another kick in the ass. Thousands of ceramic butterflies don the halls at the school site I am at. I take that as a pretty good sign and it's a beautiful reminder of my darling girl. I just conducted a little research about these butterflies (thanks google!). See what I found out here.



Yesterday, the husband and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. We didn't do the traditional gifts or even cards. We are still happy to be married, but this day brought us much doom and gloom. As we talked so much about how Ella was going to be our gift this year. Yes, we still feel like she was our gift, but it's screwed up that she isn't physically with us. We sure hope that we receive a late anniversary gift by conceiving another baby this week. I have my u/s Wednesday. Pray for one, big, juicy follicle and then for it to be our month.

This afternoon, I received this beautiful painting for Ella in the mail. This painting was done by Maxton's Mom, Ashley. Maxton was born March 3rd and fought for 18 days before he passed from CDH (Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia). Ashley has been working really hard to raise awarness about CDH, a condition in which one baby is born with every ten minutes. Please check out this site to see how you can help raise awareness of CDH.



Be sure to check out the recent photos in Ella's name gallery. There's a beautiful blockprint of Ella's name and Ella at her first Cubs game.

Random Thought: Where have sweet potato fries been all my life?

Baby Hats, Bouquets, and Mixed Tapes

Well... I made it through Ella's due date. It was a sad, sad day. But, it was also a nice day.

I woke up super early and started knitting this hat. This hat is for a full size newborn baby. I don't know why, but some external force pulled me towards this project yesterday. I felt the need to construct a hat for our next baby. How neat will it be when I get to put this hat on our next baby and know that it was created on Ella's Day.


While I put my energy into knitting, the husband put his into making a mixed tape for Ella (Well... it was a CD, but I love how cheesy mixed tape sounds- remember those?). He's been into Micheal Jackson this week, so the CD is a combination of songs from MJ. It includes songs like Smile (I think of you, Courtney when I hear this song), ABC, and Heal The World. We had it playing throughout the day. My husband jokingly said, "Are you gonna start sending my CDs to other lost baby moms?" I actually think this is a great idea. So, if you want a copy- email me- briannemeg@yahoo.com. I've been having so much fun sending my butterflies out. It gives me a lot of joy to know that in just a few days my little package will be bringing a smile to a mama's face.

We received some beautiful bouquets of flowers too. This one is from my mama. It is called the Butterfly Kisses bouquet.


My friend, Amber dropped off this beautiful arrangement. These flowers were from Amber, but also my friend's Andrea, Christa, and Tara. They are gorgeous and smell so lovely!


I also received this beautiful hankerchief in the mail from Deborah at For Your Tears. Deborah is a kind woman who makes hankys for lost baby moms. Please stop by her blog and check it out. Ironically, Deborah lives in my hometown!


In the late afternoon, Dear Husband and I decided to go down to the beach for a walk. It was a beautiful day. We wrote Ella's name in the sand while we were there. I had to write it five or six times because the waves kept coming in and washing her name away. Yes, I see the symbolism here! Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera with me to take a picture. I usually have a camera on me, so it stunk that I didn't have it with me yesterday. But, I guess I can always go back down there another day.

When we got home from the beach, there was an Entourage marathon on HBO. So, we finished the day by watching three hours of episodes while eating fajitas in bed.

I hope the work I did this week made you proud, my dear sweet baby.

** I almost forgot... I had to come back and post this photo for you all. I think I'm going to start being known as the crazy blogger who dresses her pets up in her baby's clothing.

What Did I Get Myself Into?

It is midnight. I wish I had the energy to write about Ella's day. I'll have to catch you up tomorrow. Right now I'm freaking out. I am supposed to start teaching summer school in 2 days. How am I supposed to be patient with loads of kids when the smallest things set me off at home. How am I going to be around all those children knowing that I lost mine. I'm teaching 1st graders. They're so small and cute. Its not like I'm teaching teenagers. I'm going to see those little faces and just want to die. Everywhere I go, every child i see, I wonder if thats what Ellacwould have been like. And it pangs my heart. I don't know what to do. I'm ready to back out. I'm afraid to call and back out, but I'm afraid what might happen if I don't.

The Kindness of Bloggers

As you know, these past few days have been very gloomy for me. I really haven't been doing much. This afternoon, I drug myself and my dear dog to the mailbox. My spirits were immediately lifted when I removed a little package from the mailbox. It was from my friend, Erin. Erin is a lovely woman that came to my blog after losing her son, Luke in April. She hasn't started a blog yet, so she and I have been corresponding by email. The package included this beautiful soap, butterfly stickers, and a kind note.

I am so grateful for the support you all have given me. Your comments lift my spirits. Your gestures warm my heart. I know I'm in good company here. Thank you for sharing your stories with me, for your compassion, and for your strength.

LMAO

Do you need something to make you smile? Would you like to laugh your a#@ off? Check out this video of Dancing Roller Babies. Thanks, Bir for sharing this video! Her post brought many smiles and giggles this evening.

Raising Awareness

I had a horrible experience with an insensitive doctor yesterday. I went to see my general practioner because I wanted her to know about my loss and have it in my records. I gave her a brief overview of the pregnancy and what happened. Here is how part of the conversation went.

Doctor: I'm sorry, but you must be done grieving by now seeing how you lost the baby in March.

Me: (shocked) Well, no. Actually, it's only been 3.5 months and I still have very dark days.

Doctor: Yeah, but it's not like you lost a three year old.

Me: (ummm- did she lose a three year old?) There is never a good time to lose your child. And, I'm quite distraught over the fact that I never got to see my daughter alive. I know nothing about the person she was. (crying)

I left the appointment feeling furious. I came straight home and sent an email to my OB telling her how much I love and appreciate her. For me, this experience was just a reminder that it is up to me and other baby lost mamas to educate the general public about pregnancy loss. We can look at it as another burden we have to bear or we can choose to educate others in honor of our lost children.

Coincidentally, I received an email this morning from a friend who sent these two articles that were published in The Washington Post yesterday:

Handling the Tragedy and Raising Awareness

Even Doctors Avoid Talking About Stillbirth

I decided to send these articles off to most of my friends and family (I refrained from sending it to my currently pregnant friends- even though I sort of wanted to). I sent it to people that have supported me, but I also sent it to the people who have let me down. Maybe they'll "get it," maybe they won't. But, at least I know, through all my grief, I am doing my part.

**Side note: Two butterflies crossed my path in the last few days. This has NOT happened before. But, I've been asking Ella to send me a sign that she is with me. So I know she sent these baby butterflies for me. Thanks, baby. I love you too! A little orange and black butterfly fluttered right past me when I was at the beach this weekend. Then on Monday, a white butterfly flew past me while I getting ready to take a walk with a friend.

Ella's Week

Late last night I decided that I was going to spend this week doing activities that honor Ella. There is a big part of me that wants to hole up in bed all week long. But, with these goals in mind, I think I can make the week bearable.

So my day started with one of these...

My most absolute favorite food group: cupcakes. No, they are not gluten-free nor organic, but I enjoy every bite of these heavenly cakes. Have any of you out there tried Sprinkles cupcakes?


I made four new butterflies this morning. I've had a lot of new moms come to my blog, so I've got a lot of new butterfly babies to think about. Please check back this week to see the new pictures. I'd love to be able to send your butterfly to you. If you'd like to receive it, please email your address to briannemeg@yahoo.com.


I hope to finish up the baby blanket I've been working on and ship it off to Rebekah at Levi's Hope For Tomorrow.



I plan on delivering my first set of hats to hospital where Ella was born. Huh, I just realized the irony behind that statement. I am delivery hats instead of a baby this week.

I've also added a reading list to the right hand column of the blog. I've been trying to find a way to share the books that I've been reading with you all. And, shelfari was the answer. Most of the books focus on loss and infertlity, but there are a few fun, frivaleous titles sprinkled in as well. Let me know if you have read any of these books too. I'd love to hear about what you've been reading.


Thought you all would like to see where I found my darling cat, Patches this week.


I'll end this post on a silly note. What do you do when you're down and depressed and your husband has left his underwear lying around the house for the zillionth time???

Why I Am So Angry

We just got back from two lovely days at the beach. I enjoyed my time very much and was able to move forward from yesterday's incidents. Honestly, I felt much better after blogging about it. But, I did feel bad for being so abrupt. I didn't have internet access at the beach, so I've had two days to think about what I wrote yesterday.

After reading everyone's comments, I know I don't need to explain why I am so angry. But, I want to.

My world did not shatter when I last Ella. My world had already shattered almost one year to the day I lost Ella when I lost my dad. I was close with my dad. He and I talked on the phone everyday. I could call him and share good news with him and he would share in my happiness. I could complain about something that happened at work and he'd listen me vent. He was so proud of me. He always introduced me as his baby daughter and would tell people that I was a teacher. He would tell them that I was married to a good guy and would brag about the fact that my husband was working on his PhD. My dad was the kind of guy that would light up a room. He was always telling stories while people eagerly listened. He loved life. He wasn't ready to die. I guess I always intuitively knew that I would lose my dad at an early age. He didn't take very good care of himself- he was always a smoker and was all about butter on everything! But, knowing this still didn't make his death any easier. He was diagnosed with cancer in February and six weeks later, he died. I watched my dad go from being happy and self-sufficient to being totally dependent, hunched over in his chair, and hooked up to an oxygen machine. He needed round the clock care. I helped out a lot during this time and was so glad that I could be around to do that. It was so hard seeing my dad so sick, but I wouldn't have been anywhere else. But, the images of him struggling to breathe, the flashbacks of watching him die, still haunt me several times a day.

After my dad died, I still talked to him each day. I really felt his presence around me. I felt so confident that my dad was in heaven and that gave me a lot of comfort. I prayed a lot, to God, but also to my dad. A couple of months before I got pregnant, I prayed and asked for a baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I had such a strong feeling that my dad played a role in bringing us our baby. In the midst of all of the darkness, I was given something to feel hopeful about. So, losing our baby was just a huge slap in the face (to put it lightly). Why would God give me a baby, something to be hopeful for, and then take it away? All faith I had in my dad and in God has been taken away.

I don't usually play the "why" or the "what if" game. I just don't. What happened, happened. But, there were a few days that I was convinced that my dad took my baby from me because he was angry that I let him die. You see, my mom and I made the decision to let my dad go rather than putting him on a ventilator. We just wanted my dad to have peace. He was struggling so much. 99% of the time, I know we made the right decision. But, that 1% of doubt still kills me. Another time, I thought that maybe I had to lose Ella because my dad was lonely and needed someone to be with him.

My grief was only compounded when I lost my Ella. It is so unfair. I have friends who don't seem to appreciate what they have and complain to me about motherhood (yes, even after I lost Ella). I know there are people in this world that use drugs while they are pregnant and that there are people who verbally and physically abuse their children. Why is it that these types of people seem to have several children when there are so many women in the world hurting because they are unable to have children or they have lost a child? I just don't get it.

This week, Ella's due date week only exacerbates everything. I won't be bringing home my baby home from the hospital on Friday. I've already met my beautiful baby. I've already given her all the hugs and kisses I will ever give her. I won't get to watch her grow up. That's it, end of story. All of the memories I've ever had with my Ella have been made. There will be no new stories to tell.

I am so hurt and so traumatized.

Not A Pretty Post

I apologize. This is not a pretty post. But, hey it's my blog and I'll vent if I want to, right?

I woke up this morning so excited about the day. Husband and I are going to stay at the beach overnight. We plan to sit and watch the ocean, BBQ, and go to Sprinkles cupcakes- my favorite. I just took my dog out for a walk and noticed that someone had egged my car. Seriously? This has never happened to any of my property before. I know it is so stupid and I can just wash it off, but I feel so violated. Right now I am filled with rage. All of my anger about what has happened is back. I assume that one of the many teenagers in our neighborhood are guilty of said crime. I'd like to find that little f*&%@r, pin him down, kick in the balls, and then proceed to tell him about the hell I've been living in for the past three months.

Please indulge me, as I have one more thing to rant about. An old friend of mine, someone I see maybe once every two years, sent me an email telling me that she's coming to town this week and would like to get together. I responded and said, "sure, call me. I anticipate that this week is going to be difficult, as Ella's due date was Friday 7/10, but call me to see if I'm up to it." Her response was, "yeah, i guess it could be a difficult week depending on how you look at it." YOU GUESS? DEPENDING ON HOW I LOOK AT IT? Is she insinuating that I should be looking at this situation in a positive manner? Because there is NOTHING positive about what happened to me and my baby. This woman has lost her husband to cancer, so I thought she would be a little more sensitive with her words. Was she ready to be positive about her husband's death 3.5 months later? She never had any children, so maybe she doesn't understand this type of loss. Do people not understand that I gave birth to a fully formed child. I held her, named her, arranged for her body to be creamated, have her ashes on my night table? I am so over stupid people!