Ella's 2nd Christmas

Sweet Ella,
Your special ornaments are hung on the tree. A special gift for you sits under it. Dad and I chose a music box this year. It will sit next to your ashes. I hope when the music plays, you dance, sing, and laugh. I love you with all my heart and miss you more everyday. Merry Christmas, my sweet and special baby.
Mommy

A very special friend sent this book for Nora's first Christmas. As I was reading it to her this morning, I couldn't help feel like the words were being carried up to Ella.

Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You
By, Nancy Tillman

I wanted you more than you ever will know, so I sent you love to follow wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf. You'll never outgrow it... it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...climb up to the sky! My love will find you. My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb! My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...

if you're working...

or playing...

or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til you're dizzy...

paint 'til you're blue...

There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely, or someday you're sad, or you strike out at baseball or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair. That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass... in the smell of the sea... in the clouds floating by... at the top of a tree... in the sound crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and so deep, it's always right there, even when you're asleep.

So hold your head high and don't be afraid to march to the front of your own parade.

If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown, my promise to you is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling, my star.. and my love will find you, wherever you are.

You are loved.

<3 ella <3

Slacker

I have a ton of requests for butterflies. I feel horrible that I haven't even replied to most of the emails. I have a beautiful five month old baby. A beautiful, five month old baby, that is growing and changing before my eyes. She is "talking," laughing, rolling over, eating cereal... But, this beautiful, perfect baby detests sleep... never napping more than thirty minutes at a time and still waking 3-4 times each night. Needless to say, I am bone tired. But, I miss all of you. I opened my google reader for the first time in three weeks last night. I know I keep up with a lot of you on facebook, but I feel so disconnected from everyone. I am sorry if you have requested a butterfly. As soon as I can, I will be working on them again. I saw four butterflies today as I was driving. On the radio I heard the song, You are Not Alone by Micheal Jackson. For some reason, I thought of all of you. I am so thankful that I haven't had to endure my loss and this transition into mothering a living baby alone. I love you all! xo

Thank you, Micah's Mom!


Thank you, Gabriel's Mom!


Thank you, Lily's Mom!

September 15th marked 18 months since I first held her. I know it's cliche and everyone says it, but it feels like just yesterday. At the same time, when I look at Nora and see how far I've come, it feels like a whole other lifetime. Memories of her flood my mind several times a day. I've been thinking about the fact that she was born still, a lot lately. A large part of me wishes she were born alive. Then she could have had birth certificate instead of a death certificate. I could have held her and comforted her while she died. I wonder if she was in pain as she passed. The idea of that kills me.

I still love to see her name in writing. I still write her name on my shower door every morning. :) Thank you to these lovely ladies for remembering Ella with me.

I wish I wrote here more. I actually have several posts stewing in my head right now. But, I find myself writing on Nora's blog if I ever have the time. I feel like Nora is growing so quickly and I don't want to forget a moment of her life. I am scared that something will happen to me and that she won't have these memories preserved for her when she's older. I tell myself that Ella's blog can wait. It's not going anywhere. Of course that leaves me feeling very guilty.

As I was writing this post this morning, a friend (a real life one, yes I have a few) phoned and shared with me that she had been present at a friend's birth this week. Sadly, this friend's baby did not make it. I don't feel comfortable sharing any details, really. It's not my story to tell. But, even though it's incredibly sad, it felt so wonderful to be share some information that I thought would be helpful. After Ella died I was desperate to find a way for her life to have meaning. So today, I felt that. I am very grateful for all that Ella has taught me.

Rainbow Mama Lunch

When I started this blog, it became not only my place to honor and memorialize Ella, but a place to meet and support other baby loss moms. Last year, I had the pleasure of meeting Ada and Eleanor's mom, Beth in real life. Last week, I had the opportunity to have lunch with three other (and their rainbow babies) incredible women that I met through this blog. Nicolle, Rachel, Tiffany, and I had a wonderful time sharing and talking about ALL of our babies. Nicolle, Tiffany, and I all had our rainbows within a month of each other. I just love hanging out with other baby loss moms. Maybe it's because we've been sharing the intimate details of our lives for the past year and a half, but it's just easy. Easy to share about our losses and talk about our lost little ones.... We shared mom tips and ate some great food, too. I hope to meet more of you in the future.

Not Much To Say...

I miss writing here. However, I don't really know what to say anymore. I still miss her. I am still grieving. But, I don't have anything new to express. I don't want to sound like a broken record. I also don't want to sound ungrateful. I am so fortunate to have such a beautiful baby in my arms, I should be focusing all of my efforts on her, right? I also don't want to talk about Nora too much. That's what her blog is for (and to be honest, I rarely write there, either).

Ella's due date passed once again last month. I read some of my past entries that day. I hadn't realized how far I have come. I still don't know how I made it through her death... How I made it through birthing her knowing she was going to die... The returning home with nothing but a damn memory box... The trying to get pregnant... The anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy... Actually, I do know how I made it through. I'd say it is because of most of you! It is all a blur, really. I still can't believe I'm sitting here today with Nora in my arms.

Another LBM asked me if having a rainbow baby makes the days bearable again. My answer was, of course. When someone asks me how I am doing, I say, wonderful. And, I actually mean it. However, I still yearn for Ella and think about her a lot. I think Nora looks a lot like her. DH and I talk a lot about what we missed out on with Ella. Or what it would have been like to have an 18 month old and a 2 month old.

One of the things no one ever told me (and I guess I needed to discover it for myself) is that I am allowed to still think that being a mother to a living baby is hard. I am allowed to feel overwhelmed and frustrated at times. I assumed I'd embrace every sleepless night, every colic episode... And, don't get me wrong, I do. But, there are moments where I am in tears because I am just so tired. I never thought I'd hand over my baby because I needed a break. But, for once I guess I am just a "normal" "new" mom.

I owe so much to Ella. She made me into an entirely different person. I have made so many amazing friends along this journey. I have learned to cherish every minute I have with my loved ones, especially Nora. I love you, sweet baby.

More Members of Ella's Parade

Hi Everyone,
I am embarrassed that it has taken me so long to complete the butterfly requests.
Here are the latest. In the next few days Eliana, Noah, and William will be added. Please let me know if I've missed your request. It's been crazy around here. Thinking of you all, always. You can also view these butterflies here.



Leila


Leandra


Kennedy Kate


Casey


Bodhi


Cameron


Chloe


Christian


Cora Rei


Harvey


Jacob Evan
June 1, 2010


Joshua Derrek
July 28, 2009


Keaton Tyler
May 4, 2010


Laken


Rose


Lily Katherine
March 16, 2010


Lily Rose


Wyatt River
May 31, 2010

Nora's Birth Part 2

Part 2 is so hard to write...

Although Nora was born on May 22nd, we did not bring her home until May 31st. We enjoyed two blissful days with our baby in the post partum unit. I am so grateful that I had those two days to feel like a normal new mom with Nora. As I nestled Nora into her car seat on departure day, she started to scream. I decided to feed her a bit before heading home. Nora had been eating for about 10 minutes when I looked down and noticed she had turned purple. I ran out into the hall to get the nurse and show her Nora. The nurse's first response was that I couldn't be out in the hallway with the baby unless she was in the bassinet. Whatever, lady. She came in and Nora's color started to return. She decided to take Nora to the nursery for observation. I tagged along. For some reason, I really do not recall I headed back to my room for a minute. I was sitting on the bed when a doctor from the NICU entered and told me that my sweet baby was going to be admitted to their unit. As you can imagine, I totally freaked out. My mind automatically went "there." I thought she was going to die. The next thing I thought was that I would be leaving the hospital without a baby, again...

DH and I walked over to the NICU. Nora was all hooked up and in a bed already. Several people were crowded around her and monitoring her. As they were watching her, they noticed she was having some desats. I don't remember much of this day. It's kind of a blur. All I remember is we left the hospital with an empty car seat in hand and checked into a hotel across the street from the hospital so that we could be closer to Nora.


DH and I set up a schedule. The NICU was open from 8-6 during the day and 8-6 at night. I spent the days there and DH stayed with her at night. Some of the nurses thought we were crazy. But, we had waited so long for her arrival, we just wanted to be near our baby. It helped me to sleep better at night too to know that someone was with Nora. I'd pump milk all day and all night, every 3 hours so that Nora could eat. A couple days before we got to bring her home, I started nursing again. Thanks to the encouragement of a wonderful nurse. Prior to that, I was set on solely pumping as I feared she might turn purple on me again.

Nora was on a nasal cannula for two days. She started out in a crib, but was later moved to an isolette because she also had jaundice. She was given the full work up. They did an ultrasound on her brain, a chest xray, and ran tests for infection. Everything came back clear. She just needed to grow a bit and learn the whole suck, swallow, breathe thing. Once I realized that she was going to live, I was okay (well as okay as one can be in that situation). In order to come home, Nora had to have 5 days without any desats.

Nine days after her birth, on Memorial Day, my dream came true. I placed Nora back into her car seat and carried her our of the hospital. Not before stopping in the hospital's area that DH and I call, "Ella's Garden." A small garden with memorial butterfly statues just outside of the labor and delivery floor. We took Nora out there, for her first breath of fresh air, and to tell her the story of her sister.

Nora's Birth Part 1

Nora's birth was boring compared to my pregnancy. It was quick and without drama. But, I guess if you consider the fact that I went into preterm labor around 25 weeks, it was long and arduous.

I had my cerclage out at noon on Thursday, May 20th (36 weeks). I had been in a lot of pain that week- lots of cramping. I had hoped that she'd arrive soon after the removal.

The next day, I went out and treated myself to the longest (and most expensive) manicure and pedicure I'd ever had. Afterward, I went for a NST. Nora hadn't been moving much that day, so my doctor had me to come in to put my mind at ease. The toco picked up some of my contractions, but the nurse said they were "small." I didn't think they were small! Nora's heartbeat, movement, and fluid were all declared fine. On the way home, I had an overwhelming craving for blueberry muffins. We stopped at Panera and bought two and I ate both! Along with 3 pieces of pita bread and garlic sauce (the same garlic sauce I ate the night before Ella was born, coincidentally). Later, I had a huge bowl of pasta and sauce, too. It was if my body knew I'd be needing the carbs soon.

That night before bed, I lost my mucus plug. The same thing happened right before Ella was born. So I knew then that labor was right around the corner. I took a bath to help ease the pain from the contractions and tried to go to bed. I woke up about every 40 minutes feeling like my uterus was being run over by a semi truck. I'd moan and wail for 10 minutes and then I'd fall back asleep. This continued until about 4am when DH encouraged me to get up and go to the hospital. I threw on my clothes (how I wish I would have showered first), grabbed my hospital bag that I packed at 27weeks, and headed out.

I had been on the toco monitor for about five minutes with no contractions. I was pretty sure I was going to be sent home embarrassed. I said out loud, please just let me have a really bad contraction so that the nurses can see what I'm enduring at home. Two seconds later a contraction came on and I heard a POP. My water broke. I started screaming, "please let her be safe. please let her live." I asked the nurse to check my fluid for meconium. She said it was all clear. It was 6am and I was 2 cm dilated. I was moved into a labor and delivery room. Today was going to be Nora's birthday!

The contractions began to get closer together and I was pleading for drugs. I was given a shot of something that did not work. Around 8 am, my new best friend, the anesthesiologist came in to place my epidural. I was already 6 cm dilated.

Ahhhh. Things were much better once I had the DRUGS! I was able to contact friends and family and let them know that our little girl was on her way.

My favorite doctor. The one that delivered Ella was not on call that day. But, she made a special trip in to deliver Nora. I started pushing around 10 am and Nora was born at 10:53am. It was so neat that she was basically born at the same time as Ella (10:50am). **Sidenote: while I was pushing, we had a 4.9 earthquake.

There are no words to describe what it was like to see my baby for the first time, breathing and alive. It was like a fairytale.

To be continued...

Stopping By

Hi Everyone! I sure miss you all. You know I've said before that I won't be sharing Nora's pictures here on Ella's blog. But, if you'd like to see her pictures, please email me. I can share the link to her newborn photos video, invite you to join my facebook, or to view Nora's blog. Love to you all. I think of you so often. I'm just busy cuddling (and feeding and changing diapers). Will be back soon. Haven't forgotten about all of the butterfly requests either. xo

Briannemeg@yahoo.com

Nora Belle

has arrived!!!!

Birthday- Saturday, May 22nd at 10:53 am (Ella was born at 10:50)

5 lbs, 10 ounces

18.5 inches

more details to come...

Nora Poll and If You're Not Busy on Sunday...

I decided to poll you all as to when you think Miss Nora will make her debut. Scroll down a bit. The poll is under my floating fetus widget (I'm gonna miss that little guy) on the right hand side of the blog.

Also, I wanted to inform/invite/remind anyone who happens to be sitting around on Sunday (or in my case, everyday)that the Anchored By Hope Radio Show airs every Sunday at 5 pm Eastern Time. You can listen to the show and join the live web chat here. Carly from Names in The Sand was a guest on the first show two weeks ago. Last week, they talked about all of those dreaded "firsts" after a loss. I've cried during both shows. Katy and Kristie (the hosts) do a great job. It is also just fun to chat with several of the bloggers. Look forward to seeing some of you in the chat room on Sunday!

Ready

Since October 7th, not a day has gone by where I haven't worried that she's died. I am nearly 35 weeks pregnant and I still look for blood everytime I go to the bathroom. Why hasn't she kicked in a few hours? Why won't she respond to my pokes? Is she kicking too much (as was the case yesterday- where she was averaging 40 kicks in one hour... Yes, this warranted a late night trip to L&D)? Add in the frequent contractions and cramping that began at week 14 (last night's monitoring showed contractions every 7 minutes)... I could not fully anticipate nor could I ever put into the words the anxiety I've experienced these past eight and a half months. So with that, I'm going to make a bold statement...

I AM READY!

No, I don't mean that my house is in order and ready for baby. Because it's not and won't ever be since I've been on bedrest for God knows how long and the fact that we're moving here shortly. What I mean is, I AM READY FOR HER TO BE BORN! Yes, I know that's a strong statement to make at just 34 weeks, 4 days. And, I know that might warrant a hundred comments on the dangers of preterm births. But, there is not one blog I follow where a healthy baby died because it was born premature at nearly 35 weeks. But, give me a pen and paper and I can write the names of fifty women who's baby's died in their womb at 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, and 40+ weeks for unexplained reasons. If you do know of such a blog or have a strong opinion about what I'm saying here, do me a solid and refrain from sharing it with me. I already have enough to worry about. I want her out. Not because I'm uncomfortable or feel done with bedrest or this pregnancy. I want her out because I feel like my body is sucky and is going to be the demise of her.

My stitch is due to come out in 11 days (36 weeks). If I make it to that point, you will see me doing laps around my neighborhood trying to force her out. In fact, I'm typing up her eviction notice as we speak.

Now that I've publicly made this declaration, watch... this little booger is going to stay put til 40+ weeks. Just arrive alive little one, that' all I ask.

Someone Came Before You

Lisette, Sami's mom sent this beautiful book for Nora. I just love it and find it so appropriate. I look forward to reading this book to Nora and telling her all about her sister. Husband and I are still grieving for Ella. Preparing for Nora is a reminder of all the things we didn't get to do for her. Yet, we love and adore our Nora so much and hope she realizes what her life means to us. I really wanted to share the words of the book here.

Someone Came Before You

There was once a mommy and daddy who loved each other very much.

They loved to ride their bikes and dance and watch TV and even do chores together.

But they knew something was missing.

They knew what was missing wasn't a cat or a dog or a bird or a hamster. They knew it wasn't a new car or a new TV.

They knew they wanted to share their life with someone very special.

They wanted a baby that would grow into a little person who would also love to ride bikes and dance and even do chores with them.

They were so excited when they realized this special person was on the way.

They heard their baby and felt their baby and watched their baby grow. This was to be a very special baby.

And the mommy would sit in the rocker and sing to her baby, "baby, I'm waiting for you. Praying for you. Dreaming of you. And when another day is through I'll still be waiting for you."

They loved their special baby very much.

But things didn't go as planned. Their very special baby died.

The mommy and daddy missed their special baby very much. They cried and cried and were sad a whole lot.

And the mommy sang as she sat in the rocker, "baby, we remember you. Think of you. Pray for you. And when another day is through, we'll still remember you."

Nothing would make them happy.

And so their hearts grew very small. Nothing could get in. Nothing seemed to matter. They didn't want to ride their bikes or dance or even do their chores. They just wanted their baby.

Even thought the special baby died, the baby kept loving the mommy and daddy and tried to make them happy again.

Their special baby was very patient. And the special baby would sing, "mommy, I remember you. Think of you. Pray for you. And when another day is through I still remember you."

Finally after what seemed like much work on the special baby's part, the mommy and daddy's hearts were stretched big enough to let in more love.

And now there was room enough for another special baby to come into their hearts...and that special baby is YOU.

We still think of that special baby that came before you. We hang the baby's ornament on the tree next to yours.

And we have a little box that we pull out from time to time that holds memories of that special baby.

And sometimes we light a candle for the baby and thank the baby for stretching our hearts to make room for you.

Some FYIs for Baby Lost Mama's

Sunday, May 2nd has been designated International Baby Lost Mother's Day. Last Mother's Day was painful. We had a family gathering at our house and with the exception of my husband and my sister, no one acknowledged that it was my first Mother's Day. And this year, I am fearful that people will declare this as my first. So, I am excited that we have our own day of remembrance and celebration now. Sending love to all of you this weekend and next. xo

Jen, Lily's mom sent me this beautiful photo this afternoon in honor of BL Mother's Day. Thank you Jen for thinking of Ella and sharing Lily's beautiful flowers with so many of us.



Here are a few more pics I received this week.


Thank you to Alexandra's mom, Maggie for remembering Ella with me this week.


Loni, sent Ella this balloon in honor of her daughter, Maddox Elise's birthday in February. Thank you so much, Loni.



I'm also excited to share with you a new site that will launch tomorrow. Grieve Out Loud was founded to serve as a network of love and support for families dealing with loss. Once cool feature of this site is the pen pal program. A program designed to link mothers and fathers dealing with loss. I am pen pals now with several of you and couldn't live without the check-ins we do with each other so often.

I fear...

That when I finally have my living baby, I'll do something to screw it up.

What if I put too many layers of clothing on her at night? Isn't overheating them one cause of SIDS?

I want to watch her sleep 24/7, for fear she'll stop breathing.

I'm clumsy. I bump into things all the time. What if I bump her into something? What if I drop her or someone else drops her?

What if she isn't eating enough?

I guess I never got to experience the new mom worries with Ella. I never believed I'd bring her home.

I'm scared. I haven't been able to take any hands on courses to prepare for a baby. Heck, I haven't even been able to prepare my home for her. I don't have any family here to teach me these things, either.

I feel stupid having to ask my friends who have children questions like, where does the carseat go in the car? Or, how do you dress a baby in the summer? Like I should know these things.

This is our one chance. She will be our only living child. Just because I lost one baby, doesn't mean I get a free pass and get to keep my second one.

Bedrest Butterflies

If you were waiting for a butterfly, it should be up now. If I missed you somehow, plesae let me know. This batch is extra special. I made and photographed these all while laying flat on my back in bed. I promise when I can get up and move around again without contracting every five minutes, I will re-photograph these. I just really wanted to get them up as it drove me nuts to know so many of you were waiting to see your baby's name. :)

If you can, I'd like to encourage you to please stop by Beth's blog and offer her some words of support and encouragement. Beth miscarried her rainbow baby last week. You can visit her here or here.

Checking In Miscellany

Today its been a month since I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor and three weeks since I was discharged. I never thought I'd make it a whole month back then. Everyday I've wanted to post and check in, but I've been lazy. I still can't get my mind to function properly. I feel like I've been saying that for eight months. I'm sure it's a combination of depression, pregnancy, and my brain turning to mush after many days of bedrest. Despite being on confined to bed, we have a lot going on. Husband is finishing up his PhD, we're planning for a baby (yes, finally- little by little- thank goodness for the internet), and in the beginning phases of orchestrating a big move later this summer. I am looking forward to when I can become a bit more mobile and am able to physically help out more.



You can see that husband is keeping me well fed. Here's Nora and I about a week and a half ago at 30 weeks. This was a special day for me because I got to wear the maternity shirt that I purchased when I was about 14 weeks along with Ella. I never got big enough to wear it during her pregnancy and its been sitting in my closet mocking me since. I had a doctor's appointment this day and decided I better hurry up and wear it before I'm not pregnant anymore. Check out my adorable kitty posing in the background.

We had a rather large earthquake (7.2) here on Easter Sunday. Most people who know me in real life know I absolutely hate earthquakes. I know. I know. I live in the wrong state for someone who hates quakes. My nerves have been a bit rattled with all of the aftershocks, too (as if the contractions weren't enough). Immediately after the initial quake, I asked husband if he thought Ella was okay. Now, I know that wherever she is, she is safe. But, I still had an irrational freak out. I wanted her here with us. Part of me wishes I could have turned her little body into a doll. I want to hold her and study her face again. Thank you to these special mamas for remembering Ella that day.


Thank you to Taryn, Alexander's mom for thinking of Ella while dying her Easter eggs this year. :) I'm looking forward to coloring eggs next year with both of my girls' names on them.


Thank you to Michelle, Juanito's mom for this adorable photo. Michelle must have spent her entire day taking these photos for so many of us. Such a wonderful tribute to Juanito.

I am 31.1 weeks pregnant today. I am hoping and praying to make it another week. We have a growth ultrasound scheduled for next Friday. After 32 weeks, my goal is to make it to 34 (apparently I get a little more freedom then). And, finally if I can make it to 36 weeks, I will have my cerclage removed. The finish line is definitely in sight and I'm just hoping that there are no detours before I get there.

Ella Pictures and Butterfly Update

Being in the hospital and thinking about giving birth again has me really missing Ella these last few weeks. It means so much that you all are still remembering my sweet baby with me.


From Jaime, Claire's mom at Indelible Ice Images. These came while I was in the hospital and really lifted my spirits. Thank you so much, Jaime!




Sunshine's mom, Kathy sent these to me this morning. She remembered my affinity for hearts while creating this for Ella. Thank you so much, Kathy!




Lily and Cooper's mom, Jen sent this to me today. It was taken at the Georgia Aquarium. I've wanted to go there since I learned that they offer yoga classes with their beluga whales. You're the best Jen! Thank you!

Since I went on modified bedrest at 20 weeks, I've been getting further and further behind with Ella's butterflies. When I was in the hospital last week, I had a couple of requests. I've decided to list the current names I have on my list. Please let me know if I missed your request (or just forgot to write it down), or if you'd like your child's name added to the list.
Lily Katherine
Christian
Eliana Hope

Week Recap

Everyone who's been reading this blog, knows I've been complaining of cramping and contractions since I had my cerclage back in December. Despite those symptoms, things have always looked good at my weekly appointments. The contractions started to increase significantly around 25 weeks, but both of my doctors kept telling me it was normal. I had been feeling crappy last week and had been contemplating a trip to L&D, so when I discovered that I was bleeding on Friday afternoon, I went to get it checked out.

When I got to the hospital, my cervix was still measuring in the high 3's, but the monitors showed that I was clearly contracting and that Nora's heartbeat was decelerating a bit. I was given my first dose of terbutaline and told that I'd be clear to go home after the effects of it wore off. My uterus felt as calm as it ever felt (of course, the rest of me was shaking), but after about 40 minutes things picked back up again. Thankfully, the doctors decided to check my cervix one more time. In less than an hour, my cervix had completely funnelled to the stitch and was measuring about 2cm. At that point, the plan was to admit me and start indocin and a course of steroids (ouch-ouch-ouch). Before I could have the steroids, I had to take the gestational diabetes test. I had actually been looking forward to this milestone. But, this wasn't the way I wanted to meet it. Based on the way I'd been feeling this past month, I wasn't surprised when I failed the test. So, in addition to continuous toco and fetal monitoring (which I loved), I was pricked after each meal (which i hated). When I saw my perinatologist on Sunday, he told me that no matter what they'd hold me in the hospital until 28 weeks.

I definitely had my ups and downs this week. We were visited by the NICU team twice. They stayed with us almost an hour the first visit and tried to map out the entire process for us. DH and I started reading What to do When Your Baby is Premature as soon as we could get our hands on a copy (thanks, Jen). I also had a couple of points of just deep depression. I got a little lonely in there, but at the same time started to feel batty when people were rushing in and out of my room every five minutes (thankfully, i discovered the do not disturb sign on day 3). I also struggled with the fact that I didn't have access to the foods I wanted whenever I wanted. Which got a little better when they placed a fridge in my room. I looked forward to little things like a hot shower everyday and hearing Nora's heartbeat for an entire hour, three times a day. I'd always turn off the tv and not take any phone calls during that time. I even tried to make a video of it.

I was expecting to be in the hospital until Friday. So, I was a bit shocked when the doctor came in and told me they were going to try to release me yesterday. I had a speculum exam (ouch- is it just me or do those hurt more the further along you are?) and was told that there wasn't any tension on my stitch and that they couldn't see my bag of water. Therefore, there wasn't really anything else to do. I was being sent home. I thought I'd throw and fit and refuse to go home. But, by that time I was actually ready to come home.

It's nice to be home with my own things. My cat makes the perfect bedrest buddy. And, when DH brings me food, the dog appears out of nowhere for a visit. My immediate goal is 30 weeks. I know in my heart I'm going to have her soon. There are times when I cannot even walk because I feel so much pressure. It's saddening to me to know that she won't be inside me much longer. I'd share my space with her forever if I could. Especially if it meant that she'd live. I'm not even counting days, I'm telling myself if I can make it to my next doctor's appt (Tuesday) without cancelling, then I'll be happy (even though I have to complete the 3 hour GD test, then). Today I purchased a few nursing items online. I still have yet to allow myself to make any purchases for Nora (other than a few outfits here and there). I figure even when/if she comes early, she still won't need anything until June anyway, so we have time. It would just be nice to be able to plan and nest like a normal person.

So, if you made it through this entire post, you'll be rewarded with some pictures. I never thought I'd be posting this scary picture of myself. I think all of my weight gain has gone to my face. But, I think they will be fun to look back at and show Nora someday. She is so loved and so wanted and we are willing to do anything to ensure she arrives safely.




This is the hat I feverently knitted this week. I started freaking out that everything I've knitted thus far would be too big. Hopefully, she won't fit in this one either.


My bedrest buddy. Good to be home!

Nora Update

Many of you already know that I was admitted to the hospital last Friday at 27.1 weeks. Thank you for all of your blog posts, good vibes, and messages via facebook. Facebook seems to be the easiest way for me to update, just because It's too much for me to compose everything into a post right now. I'm in preterm labor- exactly what happened with Ella. However, the positive side is that I've made it 5 more weeks than Ella's gestation and right now i'm stable (fingers crossed). Hoping, hoping, hoping for many more weeks of pregnancy. If anyone wants to read my updates on facebook, just send me an email- briannemeg@yahoo.com. I'm working on a Nora blog, as well. When she is born, I plan to share info and pics of her on a private blog. Of course, if you a a lbm reader of this blog, you will be invited. Love to you all!

Happy 1st Birthday, Ella!

My heart was full yesterday. So many people were remembering Ella with us and that felt good. Thank you for helping to make Ella's 1st Birthday extra special. xoxo

On Sunday, we delivered these hand print kits to the hospital where Ella was born. I enjoyed a nice visit with the wonderful nurse who cared for me during Ella's delivery. On our way out, DH and I released a butterfly in the hospital's courtyard.



About a month ago, I wrote to the Butterflies and Prayers Organization to inquire about receiving a couple of butterflies to release on Ella's birthday. I was matched up with a local farmer who doesn't live too far from my house. This local farmer just so happened to be baby loss mama, as well. Kathie lost her son, Chase about 9 years ago. She was so sweet to me. She drove the butterflies over to a family member's house for me and even included a little butterfly bib for Nora in her package. The butterflies were so beautiful and made our day extra special. Thank you, Kathie!





My husband joked the other night that it's been a full time job bringing the mail in this week. Our table was overflowing with the cards and gifts we received for Ella.







We forgot to buy birthday candles, so DH made this candle. I was impressed!





My good friend Kathy made Ella her own batch of cupcakes. Aren't they darling? She even sent me a video of her daughter singing Happy Birthday and blowing out Ella's birthday candle.







I received so many email and facebook messages yesterday. Thank you everyone for thinking of us!


Thank you, Franchesca!


Thank you, Kelly!


xoxo, Kelly


Thank you, Monica!


Thank you, Kelli!


Thank you, Jess!