100th Post

Thanksgiving this year isn't going to be what I imagined. Last Thanksgiving we announced our pregnancy to our families. Tomorrow will not be Ella's first Thanksgiving. Tomorrow, I will miss my father's turkey and mashed potatoes. Tomorrow, I will wonder what the heck happened to my mother. However, I still have many reasons to give thanks. Thanks

that I became a mother this year and had the opportunity to hold my precious baby in my arms, even if only for such a short while.

for this new little one. I am hopeful (most of the time) that in June I will be holding him or her in my arms (alive).

for my wonderful husband who has pretty much indulged my every desire since losing our baby. Thankful that he talks about our baby with me, makes snacks for me at 3 am when I wake up hungry, and most recently stayed up an entire night to read research papers and perform his own statistical analysis on cerclage success rates.

for my siblings and my small, but special circle of friends who have been lent their support this year.

Finally, I am so very thankful for all of the wonderful friends I have made through this blog. Thankful that so many of you have shared your experiences with me and have sent your love and support.

I'd been planning a special giveaway for my 100th post. Coincidentally, this post happened to fall so close to Thanksgiving. I am so happy today to be able to offer this token of thanks to one of you. Please know that if I could, I'd send one to each and everyone of you.

So, you wanna know what you can win? Leave me a comment with the link to one your own favorite posts and you can win a beautiful handmade necklace engraved with your baby's (or babies') names on it. These beauties are made with love by fellow lost baby mom, Tina. Please check out all of her work on etsy. If you plan on having more babies, you can even mail the necklace back to Tina and she will add the child's name. Love that! I want to give everyone a chance to enter. So, the winner won't be announced until Monday.

Sucky Cervix

I'm feeling pretty down about my meeting with the perinatologist this afternoon. For the record, my OB has done nothing but talk up the cerclage since I lost Ella in March. She continually expresses her confidence in the procedure and thinks it is the solution for my situation. I guess I expected the same type of thing from this new doctor. I was really looking forward to formulating a plan with him and felt really positive about it beforehand. Let's just say he wasn't all puppy dogs and lollipops. He didn't sugar coat anything. He said he's had a lot of success with cerclages, but that if you do the research, they are not fool proof. Yeah, I know that. I follow a couple of blogs where this has been the case. Anyway, the cervical ultrasound showed that at 10 weeks, 5 days my cervix is only measuring 3.6 cm. That's just average. I was hoping for it to be closer to 4-5 cm. It was also discovered that I just don't have a whole lot of cervix on the outside. This is going to make it difficult for him to get the stitch as high as I was hoping. The plan, however is still to proceed with a cerclage. The procedure is actually taking place very soon. I don't love this guy like I do my OB, but I think he has a lot of experience and I know he is going to do his very best. He will do cervical checks as often as once a week. And, he said he won't hesitate to put me on bed rest should we see a change in length. Right now, I'm even contemplating just quitting my job altogether. Sigh. Please universe, let this baby LIVE.

One More Day

In a recent post Bryston's mom, Jenn shared how she'd spend the day with Bryston if she were given the chance. This post was really moving. I thought about how I'd spend my one day with Ella for quite a while. Forgive me, as I do not write as eloquently as Jenn does in her post.

I'd like to wake up one morning with Ella nestled warmly inside her co-sleeper that is attached to my bed. She wakes me up with her soft googly noises and I realize it's time to get up and feed her. While I feed her, I study her face. I caress her cheek and place her fingers in mine as I did the last time I held her. After getting dressed for the day, we packed up our car and head out to the beach as a family. **Of course, in real life, my husband is never up before 2 pm. But in this dream, he wakes up early. :)** When we get to the beach, I place Ella into a sling on my chest and my husband leashes up our dog. We make several stops along our walk to dip Ella's toes in the water and let her feet touch the sand. Just like her mommy and daddy, she is happiest at the beach and enjoys watching her sister (of canine sorts) frolic with the other dogs in the water. After our walk, we'd stop at the park to push Ella on the baby swing. By now, it would be time to head home and give Ella her nap. Husband and I would spend the next two hours watching our little girl have sweet dreams. After dinner, I'd teach Ella about my favorite dessert, cupcakes. After wiping the frosting off her face and out of her hair, I'd realize that our day together was almost over and begin to say goodbye to my first born. I'd try to tell her all the things I ever wanted to tell her in this short amount of time. I'd hold her tightly until she'd left me once again. I'd be thankful for this ordinary, yet extraordinary day.

**I also thought about taking Ella to Venice for the day, fulfilling the promise of her namesake, "one who travels." I never traveled anywhere special or exotic until I was older and able to afford it on my own. I had a deep desire to show Ella the world from a young age. We'd ride a gondola, and pick out a Venetian mask for her to display in her room, slurp spaghetti, and eat gelato several times just to stay cool.

Oh what I'd do with just one more day with you. Thank you again, Jenn for inspiring this thought. :)


A million thanks to Kathlyn's mom, Beth for this beautiful photo for Ella's Name Gallery. Look at all the special touches in this photograph. Love it!

**I just had this crazy thought. I'd be devastated if my blog were to get deleted. So much of Ella's memory is here. Anyone have any ideas how to preserve these memories? I guess maybe I need to sit and print out my posts for her memory box.

Away From the Computer and Into Real Life

This morning I had the opportunity to meet with fellow lost baby mom, blogger, and mother to Ada and Eleanor, Beth. I found Beth's blog just weeks after losing Ella. I remember staying up really late one night to read her story. I commented on a few of her posts and she befriended me and lent support immediately. Beth, her husband, her beautiful baby, Eleanor (who is the age that Ella should have been), and I shared stories about Ella and Ada, our rainbow babies, and our families over breakfast. Chatting with Beth was so easy and it felt like she was a dear friend. I've said this before, but blogging has been my greatest form of therapy. I've "met" so many incredible women, feel a sense of belonging and am reassured that what I'm experiencing is normal. It truly was the highlight of my week to be able to step away from the computer and meet one of you in real life.

Preemie Awareness Day

I am joining my fellow bloggers today and posting for preemies. As I think about this day, I pray that this little one is born full term. No mother plans on their baby coming into the world with so many obstacles to overcome. Though, I know that prematurity is a possibility. Everyday I pray that I can get to at least 25 weeks, then 28, and then to 32. NICUs are performing miracles every day. I've actually come across some micropreemie miracles in the last few weeks. It makes me wonder what could have happened had Ella been born alive or had she had another week inside the womb.

I want to share a few Ella pictures with you. Thank you Holly for thinking of Ella when you did your fall photo shoot. Fall is my favorite season (even though we don't have fall here in San Diego).



Ashley, Mackenzie's Mama sent took this picture while she was on vacation recently. Thanks for thinking of us, Ashley!


I've been having fun picking up Christmas ornaments here and there for this year's tree. I've found a few butterfly ornaments, a silly one with Ella's name on it, and recently this angel from Hallmark. Hallmark actually has a sleeping baby angel ornament, but I chose this one because I thought the little girl was so cute. Ella had dark hair when she was born, so this little girl reminded me of her. Plus, before cupcakes and butterflies, hearts were my obsession.

I Think I'm Gonna Be Sick

And it's not from morning sickness. It's from watching the show Platinum Babies. Seriously! Babies don't need $25,000 nurseries and Dior shoes. I get that part of my disgust may stem from jealously, but come on. It ticks me off when I see people who treat their children like the latest fashion accessory. And, it annoys me that these women feel 100% confident that their pregnancies will definately lead to a living baby. Like loss would never happen to them. Bitches.

Switch Gears. Whole 'nother topic. I tried to start another blog for this new little one. And, I just couldn't do it. My story, Ella's story, this new pregnancy... It's so intertwined. I want to celebrate this new life, but I am still grieving for Ella. I just cannot seperate the two. For now, I'm going to chronicle this new pregnancy here on this blog. Hoping and praying that I can chronicle it for many more months.

While I'm not adding a new blog, I'm thinking about changing the address of this blog. There are people in my real life who I no longer talk to and I'm not sure if they are still reading this blog. If they refuse to talk to me in real life, then I do not want to allow them the pleasure of reading about Ella or this new little one here. I'll try to alert all my followers when I do change the address. If you'd like to make sure you get the new address, you can leave me a comment below or send me an email at briannemeg@yahoo.com.

Rambles

* Is this not the cutest Christmas ornament you've ever seen? I received this in the mail yesterday from Morgan and Blumpy's mom, April. She hand painted it for my Christmas tree. I'm actually excited now to put up a little tree so that I can display it. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness, April. Every week I seem to get a little trinket or card in the mail,a personal email, or a phone call from one of my blog buddies. You all are such a blessing and I'm so grateful for your friendship and support.

* A few of you commented on my last post and asked how my appointment went yesterday. Again, I still don't know how I feel about sharing this information on this blog. Yet, I want you to be able to share in this pregnancy if you want to. I so desperately want to be happy and embrace every moment of this journey, but it's just hard. I told myself that I want to document everything just in case I lose this one too. But, I just haven't had the energy (mental or physical) to do so. It's really hard to wrap my brain around the fact that this pregnancy could lead to an actual living baby. I wish I was still ignorant and I didn't have to think about losing this baby each and every day.

The appointment went very well. My poor doctor was running about 45 minutes late because she had to care for a patient that was having a miscarriage. I think I was the only one in the waiting room that was okay with having to wait an hour to see her. All of the other preggys were quite upset and harassing the women at the front desks. Anyway, the baby measured 7 weeks 6 days and it's heartbeat was 162 bpm. My doctor is estimating my due date to by June 18, 2009, only about three weeks before Ella's due date. I loved seeing the baby on the monitor. I fell in love with the little one instantly. I thought it looked like a gummy bear (well, actually a sour patch kid, but that doesn't sound as cute). But, my husband has started calling it, jelly bean or JB. My next appointment is November 19th, my dad's birthday. On that day last year, I had an appointment for Ella. I guess it's the universes way of trying to keep me busy and send me something good on my dad's day.

* I'm thinking about breaking up with my therapist. I really like her, but just don't have the energy to go in and keep hashing out what happened every week. Even with my new found joy, I am still pretty depressed. I don't really socialize with anyone other than one of my support group buddies. I sit around the house for days on end. And, I'm okay with that. I don't feel ready to do much else. Does that make sense?

* I haven't talked to my mom in ten days. That's an all time record. The longest we've ever gone without talking has been two days. I'm not really sure what's going on with her. All I know is that I just don't have the patience to deal with her craziness. Especially because she's refusing help. Of course, I feel sad that I've lost the relationship I had with my mother. I feel sad for my siblings, for her grandchildren, and future grandchildren. But, the anger I feel towards her protects me from the sadness. I just feel done.