Something Only A LBM Would Understand

I learned of my shadow baby today. It's a boy. The news was delivered to me via a nine year old girl. I think if the news were broke to me by anyone else, I would have been very angry. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I heard it was a boy. People in my real life don't seem to get why that matters to me. Honestly, I don't even truly know why it makes a difference, but it does. Maybe because I was supposed to have a daughter here in my arms, so I don't want anyone else to have that. Maybe because she really wanted a girl. I'm still sad and still angry. Angry that other people get to go on living and have their happy, healthy babies and I do not. Angry that I didn't get to announce the arrival of my healthy baby. Instead I had to send out a text that my beautiful daughter was born, but didn't live. Angry that I left the hospital with empty arms. My husband asked me today if I sometimes wish bad things would happen to other's babies. My answer was, yes. Sometimes. Sometimes, I do wish that others knew the desperate pain of losing a child.

Today, another blogger wrote about losing a dear friend who is currently pregnant. I know that I have lost/am losing friends because I cannot accept their pregnancies/babies. For friends that do not get this. I ask them to imagine planning and anticipating one of the greatest joys of life. Imagine giving birth, and instead of hearing your baby take its first breath, you're told that they're not alive. You will never see your baby look up at you. You will never know the color of their eyes. Imagine handing your baby over knowing that is the last time you'll ever lay eyes on them. Imagine being asked to fill out mortuary paperwork instead of a birth certificate. Imagine being rolled out of the labor and delivery ward, the only one without a baby in her arms. It's a heartwrenching, devastatingly screwed up process.

If only I could move to a deserted island.

Please universe,

let this be a sign.

Firsts

Today, I had the pleasure of injecting myself with my first trigger shot. I was a little freaked out, but watched a demo video online (what would we do without the internet?). The needle slid in quickly and I didn't feel a thing- thanks belly flab. I was pretty darn proud of myself. The directions irked me a bit. They are divided into categories. One of the sections says, "for infertile women using ART," another "for infertile women with ovulatory disorders." First of all, isn't it implied that i'm "infertile" if I'm using the damn shot. Second of all, thanks for the reminder. I'm sure the person who wrote those instructions was a man or woman with 3.2 healthy, beautiful children at home. Maybe the directions should say something like "I'm sorry you're experiencing difficulties getting pregnant. We hope this is the last time you have to shoot yourself up..."



Yesterday, I had my first in public cry when I walked by the Janie and Jack store at the mall. I saw this beautiful christmas dress in the window. Right next door was Pottery Barn Kids- they had their Halloween costumes on display. It was then that it really hit me that I won't be dressing Ella in her first Halloween costume. I won't be buying her this Christmas dress with the matching beret and shiny black shoes. It sucks. I didn't want to celebrate the holidays last year since I had just lost my dad. So, this year they are really being called off. One could only hope that I'm at least pregnant by the time they roll around.

Mito-awareness Week

This post is for another Ella. To read her story, click here.

Many states have 'official' Mitochondrial Disease Awareness weeks - declared as the 3rd week in September to raise awareness for Mitochondrial Diseases.

This event is to spread awareness on Mitochondrial Disease wherever YOU are located. :]


• Every 15 minutes a child is born that will develop mitochondrial disease by age 10.

• It is estimated that of the 4 million children born each year in the United States, up to 4000 develop mitochondrial diseases.

• At least 1 in 200 individuals in the general public have a mitochondrial DNA mutation that may lead to disease.

• There are over 40 identified types of Mitochondrial Diseases and believed to be over 100 variants of mitochondrial diseases, .

• In the United States, more than 50 million adults suffer from diseases in which mitochondrial dysfunction is involved. Mitochondrial dysfunction is found in diseases as diverse as cancer, infertility, diabetes, heart diseases, blindness deafness, kidney disease, liver disease, stroke, migraine, and the toxicity of HIV and other drugs. Mitochondrial dysfunction is also involved in aging and neurodegenerative diseases such as Parkinson and Alzheimer dementia.

• The World Health Organization (WHO) calculates that neurodegenerative diseases, also associated with mitochondrial dysfunction, will become the world's second leading cause of death by the year 2040.

Butterflies

I just finished my 52nd butterfly. It's heartbreaking when you realize how many of us are in the baby loss club. I have been slacking a bit on getting the butterflies made because I've just been burnt out on coloring. So, this morning I came up with a new design. I think they're quite cute. I hope you like them. I love to send the butterflies out to their rightful owners. If you'd like your butterfly mailed to you, just send me your info in an email- briannemeg@yahoo.com. I still have quite of few butterflies that need to be made. If you don't see your butterfly here or your name below, please requet a butterfly by leaving me a comment.

**UPDATED 10/15/09- All butterfly requests have been filled. You may request butterflies here, by clicking on Ella's Parade of Butterflies, or by emailing me. :)

I'm Fine, I'm Well, I'm Coping

I discovered this poem here. I feel it really speaks to where I'm at right now. The phone calls and emails have become few and far between. And, when they do take place, I don't let people know that I'm still not okay (my therapist calls it "my mask."). I'm having a hard time deciphering whether people are pulling away on their own or if I am pushing them to do so.

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping"

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
she never did before.
From now until she dies,
she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how is she,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how is she,
she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For Gods sake Mom,
just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she
she'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom with all the lies you told!"

Comanche and Julius

Husband and I like to play this game... We close our eyes and open this book. The name we are pointing to when we open our eyes, will be our next baby's name. It's a fun game- good for lots of giggles. We played it often when I was pregnant with Ella. Last night's names were... Comanche and Julius. Nice. I did dream I had twin boys.

Half A Year

It's been six months since I birthed and held my darling daughter.

Six months since I said goodbye.

Half of a year feels like such a large amount of time. Yet, it still feels like I lost her just days ago.

I still can't believe it happened. I still replay the event in my head over and over again everyday.

I still wish things turned out differently.

I still think about all of the things I should be doing had Ella come home with us. You know... like buying her first Halloween costume and getting ready for fall and the holidays.

My heart still drops every time I pass a pregnant woman or a mom with a stroller.

I still very much want to tell EVERYBODY I meet that I am a mother too.

I still have not hung out with any of my friends who are currently pregnant or have new babies.

I've progressed in some ways since March. I don't sit around on the couch numb for days on end. I'm working now. I've been subbing quite a bit. And, I just got a new job teaching two days a week at a school near my home. I'm working as a math intervention teacher, so I'm working with small groups of children. It really is a dream job. I'm grateful for the opportunity. I am able to smile and act professionally. But, still, in the back of my mind, I know that I shouldn't be there. I should be home with Ella.

A Crappy Questionnaire. And, The Results Are In...

Number of pregnancies: 1 (wait... does the chemical pregnancy count? should i write two?)

Number of living children: 0 (crappy questionnaire. thanks for the reminder.)

Cycle Day 3 Blood Test Results:
My LH level is two times my FSH level. According to my doctor, my LH level would be at least three times my FSH level if I had true PCOS. But, I am borderline. (However, I read on the internet that anything over a 1:1 ratio, is PCOS). She doesn't think any medication other than Clomid is necessary. My sister is currently doing a low-glycemic diet to manage her PCOS. I'm jumping on that bandwagon as well. Can't hurt! Bye bye cupcakes. :( All other hormones are within "normal" range.

Blog Assistance

UPDATE: Thanks, Ladies. I'm all good now. Blogs showed back up the next day. Whew. Thank goodness. :)

My google reader is empty. All of my blogs (and there are too many to admit) are missing. I thought maybe it was a temporary glitch, but it's been like that all day. Does anyone know how to fix this?

i was supposed to have a baby and all i got was this lousy watermelon

Husband brought home this adorable little watermelon last night. I immediately stuck the darn thing up my shirt and pretended I had a bun (I mean melon) in the oven. I then had the idea to dress this little guy up. Of course, it was good for some shits and giggles, but it also served as a reminder of how sad and depressing this whole process is. Ella should be home with us, but she's not. All I have is this damn watermelon that looks like a little darling baby. My heart is broken and my arms are empty.

Someone in my real life is expecting her first baby any day now. I've been freaking out about it for the past couple of days. I do not want to know if she's had the baby. I do not want to know whether it was a boy or girl. I do not want to know its' name. I am choosing to pretend like the whole thing isn't happening. But, I am afraid that when I go out, I'll run into her or someone who knows her who will deliver the news that she's had the baby. I fear that there will be an email in my inbox with the news. Of course, I feel like a bitch for feeling this way, but I'm also giving myself permission to be angry and bitter and pissed off. I prayed and prayed that I'd be pregnant by the time she had her baby so that I'd at least feel a bit better. But, I'm not.

I'm agonizing over what to do this next cycle. I'm getting ready to start Provera to induce a period since I didn't ovulate this past month. My Clearblue monitor said I ovulated, I felt like I ovulated, but a blood test proved otherwise. I'm going to have all of my hormone levels checked on cycle day 3. Then, I have to make up my mind if I'm going to try a larger dose of Clomid. I'm so desperate to be pregnant and know that if I'm not ovulating, then I don't even have a chance to fulfill that dream. I also like that when I'm on Clomid, my cycles are monitored very closely and I'll know if I'm going to ovulate or not. On the other hand, I really want to figure out the cause of the anovulation. I hate putting that crap in my body, especially if it's not doing anything. Sigh...

23 weeks 3 days

Dear Sweet Baby,

Today we have been without you 23 weeks 3 days- the length of time you were with us. Our hearts are still so broken. Everyday we dream about what our life would have been like had you come home with us. We miss you. We love you.

*Thanks to Ashley at Babies in the Sky for this picture.

Seriously?

The Duggars Expecting Their 19th Child!

I loathe the universe! Why does this women have the privilege of bearing so many children, when so many women struggle with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss? Seriously...