My Baby Butterfly Ella: June 2009

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Bits and Pieces

So the last few days had been good to me. I had been feeling light, positive, even flashed a smile a couple of times. But this morning, I was thrown back into darkness. It may have something to do with the fact that I received an invite to a baby shower this morning. It may be because I stopped taking my antidepressants- AGAIN. It could be that Ella's due date is next week and the days leading up to that day feel so gloomy.

The first thing I did this morning was drive over to the school where I will be teaching a summer school class in a few weeks. I was hyperventilating a bit in the car. Another painful reminder that what should have been this month, is not. I heard a song playing on the radio that went something like this, "I held her first, I saw her first, from the first breath she breathed, to her first smile back at me." It is a song about a father giving his daughter away to be married. I hurt for my DH when I heard this song. I ached for my own dad to be resurrected from the dead.

I spent several hours google searching all of my aliments. AF still has not come for her monthly visit. It's been 40 freaking days. On top of that, my mind is playing tricks on me. I've been feeling crampy, nauseous, my boobs hurt, and I have to pee every five minutes. Numerous pregnancy tests confirm that I am not pregnant. I am desperate to just get my period so that we can have another chance at trying. Unfortunately, my doctor is making me wait two weeks from the last time we had intercourse to start taking meds to induce a period.

Last night I had a horrible dream. I dreamt that some friends of mine were mocking me for being so upset over my loss. One of them was saying that I didn't experience "real" childbirth because Ella was so early. I begged my husband to go and get Ella's pictures and her ashes so that I could show them. By the time he brought these items to me, my friends had left. When I woke up, I had an email from one of these friends requesting a get together. I am too upset over the dream to email her back right now. Yes, I know it was just a dream. But, I have been upset with this group of friends for some time now because they really haven't been there for me since Ella died. I even invited them to view my blog and they never responded. I wish I had the guts to straight out tell them that I felt abandoned by them. But, knowing me, I'll probably just ignore the email and that will be that.

I know one of my best friends is no longer reading my blog either. That upsets me too. I put myself out there and was willing to share my true feelings with certain people, but she must not understand that it was a privilege to be invited. At least if you're not going to read it, explain to me why. Don't just ignore it. I know she is not reading it because she hasn't responded to any of the posts. She didn't even comment on Ella's picture.

I'm just surviving, trying to get through the next few days leading up to Ella's day. I'm not sure how I want to spend that day. Part of me wants to make plans and another part of me wants to just see how I feel that day. I spend every second thinking about how I would probably be house bound right about now. I'd be too huge and uncomfortable to go anywhere. Who knows, she could have come early and I could have delivered this week.

I'm still devastated. Still sad. Still angry that my baby is not here with me.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

To Make You Giggle

Tonight my husband joked, "sometimes I just want to scream at your uterus." I replied, "honey, it was my cervix, not my uterus." But, I get it. Sometimes, I want to scream at my cervix too.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Under the Tree- June

Thanks, Carly for sharing these questions.

Hair Color: Strawberry Blondish

Eye color: Blue

Profession: Science Teacher to students in 1st-8th grade

Relationship status: Married

My Favorites:Favorite color: Blue

Favorite movie: I'm too ADD to watch an entire movie- I like to watch series on DVD instead

Favorite animal: Chocolate Labs make me smile

Favorite store: I don't know- I seem to buy most of my clothes at Gap

Favorite childhood memory: Driving cross country with my family from Boston to California when I was a teenager.

Favorite hobby: Walking on the beach

Favorite song/singer: Don't really have one- but love Country music the most

Favorite book/author: That's hard. I love to read. Especially anything by Jodi Picoult. I am also enjoying the Shopaholic series.

Favorite school subject: To teach- science or math
As a kid- reading

Favorite vacation destination: Anywhere tropical

Favorite food: Cupcakes or Cheeseburgers

Favorite restaurant: Trattoria Trulli in Encinitas, CA

This or That

Coke or pepsi : Diet coke

Beer or wine: Wine

Coffee or tea: Love coffee, but have been doing green tea lately

Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ

Summer or Winter: Summer

Cats or dogs: Both!

Salty or sweet: Sweet!

Plane or boat: I really don't like flying, but I love traveling, so plane...

Morning or night: Morning

Money or love: Love

Breakfast or dinner: Dinner

Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness

House or apartment: I would love to have a house, but I currently live in an apartment

Have You Ever:

Got a speeding ticket: Does a ticket for tailgating count?

Wished you were someone else: Yes!

Cried during a movie: Yes

Describe yourself in one word: That's too hard. Strong?

Biggest fear: Before losing a baby it was snakes. Now, I'd say it's not getting pregnant again and/or losing a baby again.

Biggest mistake: Not listening to my intuition

Your proudest accomplishment: Ella

Dream job: Stay-at-home mom -I've also always dreamt of training therapy dogs or becoming a hula dancer.

Special Talents: Ugh, I don't know

Where would you rather be at the moment: At the hospital delivering my baby- I'd be due just about now. Or, on a tropical island swimming in warm water.

Famous person you want to meet: Famous people bug me

Song to be played at your funeral: I really love the song What a Wonderful World- even though I feel like it's not a wonderful world right now. But, for any of you that know me IRL, I don't want a funeral. I want to be creamated. A memorial lunch will suffice.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

TTC Drama

I apologize if this is TMI for any of you- though, I don't think it is. I am recording this so that I can remember everything. Plus, I'm totally new to this infertility thing and know some of you may have suggestions for me.

Went to see my OB today to talk about the fact that it's been 34 days since I've had a period. No, I am not pregnant. :( According to my Clearblue Easy Fertility monitor, I ovulated on day 14. My doctor seems to think this was a mistake on the monitor's part. She said there's no way I ovulated because if I did, I'd either be pregnant or have had a period. There was also some blood work done midcycle which leads her to believe I didn't ovulate. We talked about the fact that my cycles have always been irregular. At first she was thinking that I just needed progesterone, but after talking with me, suggested Clomid, followed by estrace. She actually said, she preferred that I wait a couple of months to see if I get pregnant on my own, but that if I felt desperate, I could do a low does of Clomid- 50 mg. Hello! I AM desperate. Of course, I want Clomid! A teary eyed me explained to her that hope for a second baby is all that I'm living for right now.

Here's the plan. She doesn't want to prescribe anything to bring on a period. She suggests I wait two weeks to see if it comes on its own. If it doesn't, then we'll have to change the plan. After getting my period, I can start Clomid on day 3. I will go in for an ultrasound on day 13 of my cycle. We talked about the risks of multiples with Clomid. Remember, it's too risky for a girl with a bum cervix and history of preterm labor to carry more than one baby at a time. That is why she wants to do the ultrasound to make sure only one follicle is present before proceeding with timed intercourse.

I'd love input from any of you that have used Clomid.

On a totally different note, my blog buddy Lea took this picture for Ella today.I love knowing that others are thinking of my sweet baby. Thanks for making me smile today, Lea!

A couple of days ago, I received a message from a fellow blogger who found me through a comment I made on Stellan's blog. Sami who has her own photography company, offerred to try to get a good picture of a butterfly for me. A couple of days later, this exquisite picture was in my mailbox. I told Sami that I was so impressed, butterflies never cross my path. She replied that this has never happened to her before either. So cool! The love and support I continue to receive through my blog amazes me. There are people online who have done more for me than people in my real life. Sami, thanks for showing me that Ella's spirit is everywhere!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Father's Day 2009

Honoring my daddy today. He was a loving, story telling, hardworking, BBQing, perfect taco making, could fix anything kind of guy. I'm grateful for the close relationship I had with my dad and for all of the things he taught me. I love you dad. A piece of my heart went with you when you died. I hope you're loving on Ella for us.

Thinking about my husband this weekend too. My heart aches for him. We are so sad that our precious Ella is not here with us on Father's Day.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Baby Steps Memorial Race

My blog buddies Loni and Abby are planning and hosting a Memorial Race in Alabama in August in honor of their babies, Maddox Elise (Loni), and Braden and Brody (Abby). Please check out their sites to see how you can help!

Three Months

It is 11:55 am and I just realized that today is June 15th. 3 months ago it was March 15th. I have been anticipating this day for weeks. But, I am surprised that I didn't remember that today was the day until now. This morning I actually woke up feeling quite light. I've accomplished a lot- I made an egg for breakfast, did a load of dishes, started some laundry, and watched an episode of Gilmore Girls. I am mad at myself for not remembering first thing when I woke up.

I hate that time is passing. I hate that I'm getting further away from that day. I hate that I'm forgetting what she looked like in my arms.

Despite the immense pain I feel, I am eternally grateful for Ella. It makes me so happy to reflect on memories I have of her. She gives me such joy. Because of her, I am a mother. I proudly wear her little footprints around my neck. Her things are still hanging in my closet. I wish I could change the outcome of everything, but I don't wish that I never got pregnant.

What a perfect day for this photo to arrive from my friend Loni. I'm so grateful for the friendships I have made through this whole ordeal.

I think I'll go to the store and get some flowers for Ella.

**Update**
I think Ella wanted me to know she was with me today. I received 9 photographs today for her gallery. My heart is smiling!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Ella's Picture

Just felt like sharing a picture (well, it's a picture of her picture) of my beautiful baby today. I love you, Ella.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Stupid Things People Said This Week

Them: "You're Young."
Me: "Yes, I'm young, but that doesn't take away my pain."

Them: "What have you been up to?"
Me: "We'll I had a baby and..."
Them (in their loudest voice): "What? You had a baby? Congratulations. Oh my..."
Me: "She died, she died, you're not hearing me, she died."

Them: "When it's meant to happen, it will happen."
Me: "Gee, thanks for saying that it wasn't meant be, so instead I had to birth my dead daughter, hold her in my arms, and then bury her."

Them: "I'm sorry it's been over a year since I've written. Here's what we've been up to." - Attached- long letter with many many pictures of beautiful children.
Me: "Wow, you're kids look so happy and beautiful. It's good to hear from you. I'm not sure if you've heard, but I've sufferred a great tradegy this year. I..."
Them: "Oh, yes we heard, we are so sorry."
Me: "What, you heard and you didn't think to send an email to say you're thinking about me? You heard and you still sent a letter about your beautiful children knowing that I had just lost mine?"

Me: I walk into a my regular sandwich shop. Owner's wife just had their first baby. Seven- yes, I counted them- seven pictures of the litte one are posted behind the counter. I order my sandwich and then walk outside to have a good cry. A couple of minutes later, I go back in to pick up my sandwich and tell the owner to have a nice summer.
Them: "oh, the school year's over now, huh?"
Me: "Yes, actually mine was over in March, when I delivered my baby who died."
Them: "That's right. I forgot you were expecting too. Oh god, did she die at birth?"
Me: "Yes. You're baby is beautiful. Congratulations."

Me: Watching my coworker who is 26 weeks pregnant open a gift from Gymboree.
Me: Furious. Envious. Jealous.

Trying not to be so damn negative... Really, I am trying. I'll end on a high note. Here is the NICEST thing someone wrote to me this week. It came from a parent at my school:
"I know very few women who embody my definition of a mother – a woman who fiercely and deeply loves their child, who is incredibly connected to that being..and you are one of those women. I admire you for your depth of love."
Me: Crying

Lost Baby Mama's- feel free to vent below.

Back to Work?

Let me first preface this by saying I work with a great group of people. I work at a small school. There are approximately one hundred students and about fifteen staff members. My students are kind and sensitive. Some of my student's parents are my biggest cheerleaders. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but my OB is actually a parent from my school. After I lost Ella, there were parents who offerred up their services for free- massages, counseling, homeopathic treatments/remedies... I know if I go back to work, I know I will be comforted by many, many people.

Two events took me back to work this week, graduation and an end of the year picnic. It was nice to receive the love and hugs from the people there, but I found it really difficult to be back in the building again. All of the memories I had of being pregnant there resurfaced. I recalled all of the times I was there stressed out and worried about my pregnancy because I knew I was running around too much, on my feet for too long, constantly surrounded by sick children (children in my room who had pneumonia, fifth disease, rashes...). I wonder how I will go back there knowing that I hold this animosity.

I wonder how I will deal with the stresses of multitasking and planning curriculum for eight grade levels. How will I deal with deadlines, and meetings, and conversations with parents? How can I sit around the lunch table and engage in superficial lunch time conversation? How will I deal with behavior problems? Can I say, "you will behave because my baby died and I can't deal with you right now." It is really difficult to teach when you are not feeling happy, patient, or rested. All of the things that seem like "big" problems won't really matter to me. I just don't know how I can care about work related things when I am carrying this tradegy around with me.

To say that I want to be pregnant again is an understatement. Besides thinking about Ella and what happened, it is really all I think about. I don't know how we will swing it, but I know that I just CAN'T be in this environment when I am pregnant again. For my own peace of mind, I will be choosing to take it easy the entire pregnancy. But, my husband really thinks I need to go back to work until I get pregnant again. I get this. My brain comprehends the idea that people DO have to go back to work after suffering a tradegy. I get that the economy is terrible and that I am lucky to have a job. But, the rest of my body rejects the idea of going back to work. When I think about it, I start to panic, my heart palpitates, I start to gasp for my breath.

Going back to work means not being free to think about Ella twenty four hours a day. It means not being able to pick up my knitting, work on a butterfly, or write on my blog whenever I feel like it. It means pushing my grief out of my mind for eight hours a day. Going back to work means leaving this part of the grief behind. I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I CAN move forward. I don't know HOW to move forward.

Friday, June 12, 2009

For Ella

I've accomplished a lot this week. I have so many things I'd like to say- all of my thoughts are running together. So for now, I'd like to focus on Ella.

Ella,

Words fail me right now. Simply stated, I miss you. I miss you so much, it hurts.

I think of you day and night.

Sometimes I think about how blessed I am to have had six sweet months with you.

Blessed to have held you in my arms.

Blessed to be your mother.

At other times, I feel angry.

Angry for the way things turned out.

Angry because life seems so unfair.

Angry because everywhere I go I am reminded of all of things I'll never get to do with you.

I wish I knew the reason why you are not here with me today.

I wish I felt your presence more.

I don't know how I'll ever find the strength to move forward.

I am so heartbroken.

Instead of the days getting better, it seems each one gets more difficult.

Ella, I'm sorry I didn't keep you safe.

I love you so very much.

In all that I do, I carry your spirit with me.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Exact Reason Why I Hate Going Out in Public

I decided to get my hair cut this morning. I have a couple of graduations to attend this week and I haven't gotten my hair cut since December. I have thick curly hair, and its just gotten out of control. I decided to try a new salon by my house for many reasons. But, mostly because I didn't want to have to tell my regular stylist what happened. It was weird because when I called to make the appointment, I almost told the receptionist that I dont want a pregnant woman to cut my hair. But, I thought what are the chances of that happening and I dont want them to think I'm weird, so I didn't say anything. Anyway, I walked into the salon and was greeted by a woman that looked like she was due to burst at any moment. I bet she was due about the same time as me. I couldnt believe it. I said, "God, please dont let this be the woman cutting my hair." I wondered what I'd do- Do I say I cant stay? Do I let her cut my hair and unload all of baggage onto her? Do I let her cut my hair and just sit in the chair coldly? She told me to have a seat and said she'd be right with me. A couple of minutes later another woman came over to me and introduced herself as the one that would be cutting my hair. THANK GOD! But, I still had to watch this preggy prance around the shop. She had a huge- I mean like 5 x 7 ultrasound picture taped onto her mirror. I wanted to tell her to take it down. I wanted to school her on all of the shit that can go wrong. I wonder how many women go into the shop each day and feel hurt by that picture. Hurt because their struggling with infertility or the loss of their child. I dont blame her for feeling excited about her impending arrival, but feel it is inappropriate for her to display it in a public space.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Memories, Avoidance, and Other Ramblings

I am working on a creating a photobook for Ella and I found myself gazing at these pictures for quite a while. It is difficult to create a photobook knowing this is the only one you will ever make for this child. Sadly, there won't be any new milestones or memories of this child.

This wasn't the original pregnancy test that I took on November 3rd. I took this one about ten days later. I guess I still didn't believe that I was pregnant. My husband put this test in a Ziploc bag and attempted to save it. I told him that it was gross, plus the pregnancy sign would fade away, so I took a picture of it and then disposed of the test. I'm so glad I did that.

These are my favorite ultrasound pictures. This was the first time I saw Ella where she actually looked like a baby. These were the ones I got to show off to everyone on Christmas Day.

Though I hate the conditions this ultrasound was performed under, these are the last pictures I have of my Ella alive.

I've had a pretty shitty weekend. It seems that everywhere I go, I'm surrounded by pregnant women, tiny babies, chocolate brown and blue BOB strollers, and reminders of Father's Day. I wish I wouldn't have moved to this suburban hell. For this reason, I really don't like to go out. I'd love to be a recluse, but sometimes my husband bribes with cupcakes to go out. Such was the case yesterday.

My husband and I are having a difficult time communicating lately. I felt so close to him right after we lost Ella, but gradually we started to grieve differently. Last week, he told me he resented me when he had to work all day and knew that I was at home on the couch. I explained to him that there was no need to feel resentful of me. Why would anyone want to endure my personal hell? I sit on the couch severely depressed, thoughts running through my head a million miles a minute. Yesterday, he told me that he needed a break from me talking about what happened 24 hours a day. I've actually read about this in numerous books about loss. It suggested that couples set aside time each day and put a time limit on talking about the loss. I just don't feel ready yet to put a cap on my grief. And, I resent the fact that I can't talk incessantly about Ella with my own husband. I already feel that I have to withhold saying things to everyone else and guess I have to do it with him now.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Ella's Parade of Butterflies

I went to Micheals recently to purchase some yarn to make more hats. I came across
these templates to make butterfly ornaments. I purchased them without really having a plan for them, but knew I could use them to do something creative. Yesterday was a very dark day for me. I was missing Ella and thinking a lot about the babies I've met through this blog. I went and got my butterflies out and just started coloring. As I worked on the first butterfly, I thought of Ada- that became her butterfly. I then thought of Zoe while working on the next one. The process is simple, but its my way of spending a few minutes meditating on each baby. The plan is to make a butterfly for each child- if you don't see your baby's butterfly here, you will. Just check back. Next to each baby's butterfly, I'd like to include a rememberence date- that could be the day they were born, lost, the day you found out you were pregnant, your due date... Please include the date you'd like me to include in the comments section. This is also a nice way for us to connect with each other. If you have a blog, I will include a link to it next to each butterfly. Let us please continue to support each other and remember to reach out to new moms that have joined this "club."

I love to send these butterflies to their mommies. Please email me to receive yours- briannemeg@yahoo.com.