Last Post of the Year

I don't really have any overwhelming feelings of excitement about the impending New Year. Maybe it's because I met my daughter in 2009. 2009 is the only year I will ever have with her. Most people have several years and decades even with their children. I will only ever have 2009. So, moving away from that is a bit sad. I guess I'm jaded as well. Last year, I excitedly rang in the New Year, happy to bid adieu to 2008. 2008, the year I watched my dad die from cancer. Husband and I rarely do much on NYE. But last year, we got all dressed up and went out for a nice dinner. Partly because I was excited to say goodbye to 2008, but mostly because we figured it would be the last time we'd get to go out on NYE without arranging for a sitter. I hope that 2010 will be much better than the last two years, but I'm not sure. I was confident 2009 would be good to us and it wasn't (other than bringing us our beautiful daughter).



So, our 2009 ended with the same bad luck we've been encountering all year long. Yesterday, our poor dog was bit badly at her first day of dog camp. Husband and I were giddy with excitement to enroll her in a local day camp for dogs. We thought our girl would love nothing more than to run around a farm with a bunch of other dogs a couple of times each month. We've been taking her to our local dog park for four years and have never had a single incident occur. About 30 minutes after dropping her off, we received a phone call that she had been bit and would require stitches. Six hours and $900 later, we were finally able to bring our broken-spirited girl home. Poor thing has to wear a cone on her head for two weeks and is all disoriented from the anesthesia. She keeps running into the furniture.I know it could be a lot worse. But, it's heartbreaking to watch her in misery.


So, I'll say my goodbyes to 2009. And end this post with my first public belly pic. Taken at 14 weeks, 5 days, this is old news now. I'd say I'm already bigger than I was when I delivered Ella.

Christmas Letters

My Dear Sweet Ella,
Our firstborn, our first love. We love and miss you greatly. It is hard to believe that tomorrow will be your first Christmas. You still would have been so tiny and probably wouldn’t have understood all of the festivities. But, we would have dressed you in your Christmas best. And, I imagine the family would have taken turns passing you around, fighting over who got to love on you next. You may not be here to open it, but yesterday your daddy wanted to go to the toy shop to buy a Christmas gift for you. We had it wrapped and it is sitting underneath the tree we decorated in your honor. It pangs me to know you will never open it, but I hope you were looking down on us and were able to see what we chose for you. You have touched many lives and many people have done good deeds in your honor. Just the other day, your Grandpa, Grandma, and Aunt Teena donated a bag of toys and books to the Children’s Hospital in your name. If I could have one Christmas wish for you, it would be for you to be happy. I hope that you are playing with all of the other angel babies in heaven and that your Grandpa Eric is supervising. Merry Christmas, sweet baby.
We love you! We will always love you!
Mommy and Daddy



Merry Christmas, Jelly Bean!
We loved you before we even knew about you. You have brought us much happiness and hope. Your daddy and I have many dreams for your future. We love and appreciate each moment we have with you and can’t wait to officially meet you in June (so please, stay put!). We long to hear your first screams and look into your eyes. Yesterday, we learned whether you are a boy or a girl. Both of us are just ecstatic and can’t believe how blessed we are. I’ve already started calling you by your possible name. Your dad is sticking to Jelly Bean- the name he coined, by the way. He thinks it should be your real name, too. Don’t worry… With a last name like ours, I’ll fight for you to have a simple, beautiful name. After our appointment, your daddy wanted to go to the toy store to purchase your first Christmas present. We bought one for Ella, too. Both gifts are sitting under the tree. We can’t wait to spend next Christmas with you.
All of our love,
Mommy and Daddy



Dear Daddy,
It is my second Christmas without you. I still can’t believe you are gone. You cross my mind several times a day. Just this morning I thought of you when a friend made a comment about her neighbors bbqing out in the freezing cold. I have so many memories of you bbqing in twenty degree weather when we lived in Boston. When I think of you at Christmas, I think of all of the yummy food you’d prepare for us to munch on. I still miss your pigs in a blanket- the one time of year you could catch me eating hot dogs. We always loved how you would go shopping and get us gifts that you picked out by yourself. Brook and I always teased that you could put together an outfit better than anybody. I certainly hope you aren’t alone this Christmas. I hope you are loving on Ella for me. All of my love.
Your baby daughter,
Bree

Bonjour, Butterfly

My good friend, Kathy gifted this beautiful book to Ella for her first Christmas. In the story, Fancy Nancy helps her best friend, Bree (I swear!) plan a butterfly themed birthday party. At the end of the book, (sorry, spoiler alert. LOL) Fancy Nancy visits a butterfly garden where a little blue butterfly lands on her- exactly what happened to me back in April. The best part of the book though, is the note Kathy wrote inside:

"Dear Ella,
On your first Christmas, we sure wish you were here, we wish we could know you and play with you and chase butterflies with you."

Kathy, this book means more to me than I can put into words. Thank you for remembering Ella and for all your support this year. I will treasure this book forever and look forward to reading it with Ella's siblings.



Many thanks and much love to Emalee, Kenner's mom for taking this picture of Ella's name in the Utah snow this weekend.

Trying to Catch the Spirit

I'm feeling a bit better this morning. After a sleepless night, I phoned and had a good cry with another baby loss mama (Thanks, Kate!). After hanging up the phone, I checked my email (as, I do just about every five minutes when I'm home). I had an email from Holly, who we all know does so much for our community. Holly generously offerred to send some scrapbooking supplies my way so that I can keep making my butterflies while I'm serving my house (bed) arrest. I know I am certainly not alone in this. And, everyday I am inspired by one of you to focus on the positive and do something good in Ella's honor. I really want to start concentrating on all of the wonderful things people ARE doing for me. After all, it's freaking Christmas, right?


A friend of my mother-in-law's painted this for me. She didn't even know about my obssession with butterflies. It is so beautiful. One of these days, I'm going to have it framed.


Some of you may have been fortunate enough to "meet" Sarita, another mom who lost her precious daughter, Meredith Helen many years ago. I received this beautiful "E" collage in the mail from her last week.

I also wanted to include a picture of the precious ornament my friend, Amber gave me last week for Ella's tree. However, my shaky hand would not allow me to take a clear picture this morning. But, I just wanted to publicly thank her, as well.

Thank you again to all of you for your kind and loving support this year, but especially over the last few days. I wish the world weren't so large and that we weren't seperated by so many states (and some of us, oceans). xoxo

**By the way, I've successfully exported my blog over to wordpress. As soon as I work through a few kinks, you all will be invited over there. :)

Mega Depressed

I feel more depressed than ever. The holidays are so painful with a broken heart. I am so angry. I feel like no one can say anything right (present company excluded). It doesn't make me feel better to know my daughter's an angel. Would you prefer if your daughter were one? I want my baby in my arms. That's all. Don't tell me everyone has their hard times and things will get better. Really? Everyone has held their non-breathing newborn baby in the arms. Really? No one gets it! How hard is it to send your condolences at Christmas time?

I am paralyzed with fear. I haven't left the house in days. Contractions at only 14 weeks? This can't be a good sign.

Sadness + Fear + Anger = Not Good

Need to Move.

I've got to get this blog moved! Anyone out there know how to move an entire blog to wordpress? I've got to be able to vent in a safe place about the woman formerly known as my mother. I've got to be able to share details about this baby without worrying she's reading. Sorry for spewing hate. Again....

Yesterday was a horrible day. I balled up on the couch and cried for hours. I miss E so much. I can't bear the thought of Christmas without her. I made my husband tell his family again, NO GIFTS! All of the gifts should have been for her this year. I cannot sit around and pretend to have Christmas without her. Tears were also shed over this baby. As hard as I'm trying, I really have no control over this one living or not. People in my real life don't understand this fear. It can so happen again. Pray, beg it won't. But, it can. And, if it does, it will be my body's fault.

The cherry on top was the extortion letter I received from my mother and her fawyer (fake ass lawyer). I started to have contractions immediately upon receipt. Her claims are false and she will never receive a dime of my $. I have been through so much. Now this, at the same time of carrying a very high risk pregnancy. I will NEVER forgive her. If you notice, I deleted my last post because I felt bad for saying I wished she had died instead of my dad. I take it back. I wish I would have left that post standing. She's endangering my pregnancy now.

Bumpy Ride & Ella's Nine Month Anniversary

I had my first post-cerclage scare last night. I guess I was prepared for this journey to be bumpy, but I hoped and still hope that this pregnancy would be different. Since the procedure, I've seen my doctor twice. I've been experiencing some cramping and bleeding. And, last night's ultrasound showed that I'm contracting (and, boy did I feel it too!). Each time I've gone to get checked out though, everything has looked okay. Baby still looks great. He's quite a mover and shaker. I don't remember Ella moving that much during her ultrasounds. But, maybe I just didn't know what I was looking at. My cervix and the stitch appear to still be alright too. My doctor expressed that she still feels really good about the outcome of this pregnancy, but feels like this is just going to be a long, difficult journey, that I will probably experience every symptom in the book. I asked if I could just move into her office or if it was possible to just perform a temporary lobotomy. Her response was that she would see me everyday if it helps. Tomorrow, I have my post-op appointment with my perinatologist. We are going to set up a plan for the next ten weeks or so. It is highly possible that because of my irritable uterus and bum cervix, I'll be going on bedrest soon. This morning I was thinking that I've been pregnant for almost 38 weeks (24 with Ella, 14 with Jelly Bean) and still worry that I'll have no (living) baby at the end of this. This pregnancy has been progressing very quickly. I can't believe that if I'm going to lose this baby due to IC, it could happen in the next four to eight weeks. I will never be ready to lose another baby, but four to eight weeks is just too soon. I want more time. I can't do this again. I just can't!

Yesterday, was the nine month anniversary of Ella's birth/death. My friend, Nimoli brought over the most adorable cupcake with Ella's name written on it in pink. I'll try to add the pictures here later.

My friend Kathy introduced me to the most adorable baby clothing website. When I saw this outfit, I wanted to buy it right away. This would have been the perfect Christmas outfit for Ella. I'm not a traditional, dressy type of girl. This is more my style and I know people would have gushed over Ella in this outfit!

Sucky Cervix Turned Super Cervix (Hopefully)

Thank you so much for your supportive words yesterday. We arrived at the hospital at 6 am to find out the surgery was being pushed til' noon (which was later pushed again til' 1), so I enjoyed reading all of your comments. We were settled comfortably into a private birthing suite. While I blogged and channel surfed, my husband enjoyed a 3 hour nap, poor guy didn't go to bed the night before.

When we arrived at L&D, we were greeted by the nurse who assisted with Ella's delivery. The nurse who placed her in my arms and told me how beautiful she was. Since it was near shift change, another nurse shortly took over. I knew her too. I really enjoyed being around these women. They talked about Ella at length with me and expressed how joyful they were to see us again. I loved that they knew our story and understood that I was feeling ultra anxious (I had 2 ultrasounds and heard the hb on the Doppler 3 times- loved that). I really enjoyed the TLC and even teased that I wouldn't have minded staying there til' June.

When the OR finally opened up, my nurse literally sprinted me down before another Emergency C section popped up. The actual surgery part was quite possibly the worst experience of my life (however, I'd endure that everyday if it resulted in a baby). I even remarked that it was more difficult than delivering a dead baby. The anesthesiologist must have poked me six times before he realized I needed more numbing meds. The pain was excruciating and I was wailing. I dislike feeling numb very much. I hated my EPI with Ella and I hated this even more. Another comment I made was that I hate the numbness so much, I may attempt natural childbirth (should I be lucky enough to reach that point). Next, my legs were placed into these giant ropes suspended from the ceiling. It was quite humiliating. I'm so glad my husband declined my doctor's invite to come in the OR. I was awake the entire time and practically hyperventalating on the table. I loved that my OB came to assist the perinatologist with the surgery, but I was so glad when it was over.

It took a few more hours for the meds to wear off. After no food or drink for 18 hours, I was treated to a delicious hospital sandwich. Not quite the meal I had been dreaming of all day long. But, at that point I would have eaten cardboard.

Finally, at 7:30 pm I was sent home. Once again I was wheeled out of L&D listening to the cries of other babies being born. Wheeled out empty armed, a bit sad, but happy to at least have one in my belly. We were both so tired. The husband slept til' 2 today. I've been lying in bed trying to keep my fear and anxieties over every little twinge at bay.

I guess now we just wait with hope that this does the trick and this baby stays put until June.

**This entire post was typed out on my I.Pod. Hope there aren't too many mistakes. :)

Going Back There

It's 3am. I'm headed back there in a about an hour. The place where I last felt her weight against my chest. Where I kissed her hands, stroked her lips, tugged at her perfectly formed ears. The place where my baby was rolled in and taken from inside a cabinet and handed over to me one last time. Her little body had already started to expire. Her skin darkened and she looked different from before. I can't have another baby that is placed inside a cabinet. I just can't! I want Ella. I want this one too.

Her First Christmas

Thank you Mackenzie's mom, Ashley for making Ella her first stocking.

Ella received her first Christmas gift this week. My sister made a donation in her name to the March of Dimes. Thank you, sister!

I made my donation to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I didn't use their services, but I know many people who did and the pictures I do have of Ella are a treasure. Because we love our pets and hoped Ella would too, my husband plans on making his donation to the local animal shelter where we adopted Cassidy three years ago.

Thinking of you all. Hope you are finding ways to get through the holidays. XOXO

Monday Night Snippets

Is it bad that I've asked my husband to disgard all Christmas cards this year? If you know me in real life, I love you, but just can't stomach cards this year. Number one, the one's I have received so far, are impersonal (I mean, it would be nice if people acknowledged that it's our first Christmas without Ella) and number two they have pictures of children on them. I should be sending out my first Ella holiday cards, too!

Anyone watch Desperate Housewives? I'm pretty sure Lynette is going to lose her twins next episode. In a way, I'm kind of happy that the media is going to portray such a loss. I just hope they do a good job with it. We'll see.

100th Post Giveaway Winner

Thank you to all of you who shared your favorite posts with me. I really enjoyed reading them. If you are looking for something to do, I suggest you read them too.

Using this site, I was able to randomly determine a winner for this giveway. I deleted my comment, so there were 24 entries.
Lowest Number: 1
Highest Number: 24
Result: 4
That means MARIE, YOU WIN! Marie is the mother to two angels, Alyssa Joy and Evan, both lost to an incompetent cervix. Alyssa Joy's first birthday was yesterday. Please stop by Marie's blog and send her some love. :)

Thank you so much to Ashley, Mackenzie's mom for taking this beautiful photo for me while vacationing in Fredricksburg, Texas. I love when Ella is remembered. :)

Thoughts of a DBM From the Thanksgiving Table

How is it that you can sit in a room for 6 hours with me and never mention her name.

She should be here. This should be her first holiday.

I'm so glad I have her ashes with us in my purse.

Please, please let this baby live.

Really? You're going to talk about how sad Micheal Jackson's death was and how you had a 5 hour memorial at your house after he died. You speak of how tragic it is, but don't say the same out loud about her. You didn't even send a card after she died.

My oldest friend had her baby on Wednesday. He's really cute and I'm very happy for her. When I received the text of his arrival and saw his pictures, I felt disbelief. I cannot even fathom that. Having a baby full-term, one that lives, being able to make that announcement, all of it, feels so UNREACHABLE to me. PLEASE, PLEASE let me have that.

**Don't forget to enter my giveaway contest here.

100th Post

Thanksgiving this year isn't going to be what I imagined. Last Thanksgiving we announced our pregnancy to our families. Tomorrow will not be Ella's first Thanksgiving. Tomorrow, I will miss my father's turkey and mashed potatoes. Tomorrow, I will wonder what the heck happened to my mother. However, I still have many reasons to give thanks. Thanks

that I became a mother this year and had the opportunity to hold my precious baby in my arms, even if only for such a short while.

for this new little one. I am hopeful (most of the time) that in June I will be holding him or her in my arms (alive).

for my wonderful husband who has pretty much indulged my every desire since losing our baby. Thankful that he talks about our baby with me, makes snacks for me at 3 am when I wake up hungry, and most recently stayed up an entire night to read research papers and perform his own statistical analysis on cerclage success rates.

for my siblings and my small, but special circle of friends who have been lent their support this year.

Finally, I am so very thankful for all of the wonderful friends I have made through this blog. Thankful that so many of you have shared your experiences with me and have sent your love and support.

I'd been planning a special giveaway for my 100th post. Coincidentally, this post happened to fall so close to Thanksgiving. I am so happy today to be able to offer this token of thanks to one of you. Please know that if I could, I'd send one to each and everyone of you.

So, you wanna know what you can win? Leave me a comment with the link to one your own favorite posts and you can win a beautiful handmade necklace engraved with your baby's (or babies') names on it. These beauties are made with love by fellow lost baby mom, Tina. Please check out all of her work on etsy. If you plan on having more babies, you can even mail the necklace back to Tina and she will add the child's name. Love that! I want to give everyone a chance to enter. So, the winner won't be announced until Monday.

Sucky Cervix

I'm feeling pretty down about my meeting with the perinatologist this afternoon. For the record, my OB has done nothing but talk up the cerclage since I lost Ella in March. She continually expresses her confidence in the procedure and thinks it is the solution for my situation. I guess I expected the same type of thing from this new doctor. I was really looking forward to formulating a plan with him and felt really positive about it beforehand. Let's just say he wasn't all puppy dogs and lollipops. He didn't sugar coat anything. He said he's had a lot of success with cerclages, but that if you do the research, they are not fool proof. Yeah, I know that. I follow a couple of blogs where this has been the case. Anyway, the cervical ultrasound showed that at 10 weeks, 5 days my cervix is only measuring 3.6 cm. That's just average. I was hoping for it to be closer to 4-5 cm. It was also discovered that I just don't have a whole lot of cervix on the outside. This is going to make it difficult for him to get the stitch as high as I was hoping. The plan, however is still to proceed with a cerclage. The procedure is actually taking place very soon. I don't love this guy like I do my OB, but I think he has a lot of experience and I know he is going to do his very best. He will do cervical checks as often as once a week. And, he said he won't hesitate to put me on bed rest should we see a change in length. Right now, I'm even contemplating just quitting my job altogether. Sigh. Please universe, let this baby LIVE.

One More Day

In a recent post Bryston's mom, Jenn shared how she'd spend the day with Bryston if she were given the chance. This post was really moving. I thought about how I'd spend my one day with Ella for quite a while. Forgive me, as I do not write as eloquently as Jenn does in her post.

I'd like to wake up one morning with Ella nestled warmly inside her co-sleeper that is attached to my bed. She wakes me up with her soft googly noises and I realize it's time to get up and feed her. While I feed her, I study her face. I caress her cheek and place her fingers in mine as I did the last time I held her. After getting dressed for the day, we packed up our car and head out to the beach as a family. **Of course, in real life, my husband is never up before 2 pm. But in this dream, he wakes up early. :)** When we get to the beach, I place Ella into a sling on my chest and my husband leashes up our dog. We make several stops along our walk to dip Ella's toes in the water and let her feet touch the sand. Just like her mommy and daddy, she is happiest at the beach and enjoys watching her sister (of canine sorts) frolic with the other dogs in the water. After our walk, we'd stop at the park to push Ella on the baby swing. By now, it would be time to head home and give Ella her nap. Husband and I would spend the next two hours watching our little girl have sweet dreams. After dinner, I'd teach Ella about my favorite dessert, cupcakes. After wiping the frosting off her face and out of her hair, I'd realize that our day together was almost over and begin to say goodbye to my first born. I'd try to tell her all the things I ever wanted to tell her in this short amount of time. I'd hold her tightly until she'd left me once again. I'd be thankful for this ordinary, yet extraordinary day.

**I also thought about taking Ella to Venice for the day, fulfilling the promise of her namesake, "one who travels." I never traveled anywhere special or exotic until I was older and able to afford it on my own. I had a deep desire to show Ella the world from a young age. We'd ride a gondola, and pick out a Venetian mask for her to display in her room, slurp spaghetti, and eat gelato several times just to stay cool.

Oh what I'd do with just one more day with you. Thank you again, Jenn for inspiring this thought. :)


A million thanks to Kathlyn's mom, Beth for this beautiful photo for Ella's Name Gallery. Look at all the special touches in this photograph. Love it!

**I just had this crazy thought. I'd be devastated if my blog were to get deleted. So much of Ella's memory is here. Anyone have any ideas how to preserve these memories? I guess maybe I need to sit and print out my posts for her memory box.

Away From the Computer and Into Real Life

This morning I had the opportunity to meet with fellow lost baby mom, blogger, and mother to Ada and Eleanor, Beth. I found Beth's blog just weeks after losing Ella. I remember staying up really late one night to read her story. I commented on a few of her posts and she befriended me and lent support immediately. Beth, her husband, her beautiful baby, Eleanor (who is the age that Ella should have been), and I shared stories about Ella and Ada, our rainbow babies, and our families over breakfast. Chatting with Beth was so easy and it felt like she was a dear friend. I've said this before, but blogging has been my greatest form of therapy. I've "met" so many incredible women, feel a sense of belonging and am reassured that what I'm experiencing is normal. It truly was the highlight of my week to be able to step away from the computer and meet one of you in real life.

Preemie Awareness Day

I am joining my fellow bloggers today and posting for preemies. As I think about this day, I pray that this little one is born full term. No mother plans on their baby coming into the world with so many obstacles to overcome. Though, I know that prematurity is a possibility. Everyday I pray that I can get to at least 25 weeks, then 28, and then to 32. NICUs are performing miracles every day. I've actually come across some micropreemie miracles in the last few weeks. It makes me wonder what could have happened had Ella been born alive or had she had another week inside the womb.

I want to share a few Ella pictures with you. Thank you Holly for thinking of Ella when you did your fall photo shoot. Fall is my favorite season (even though we don't have fall here in San Diego).



Ashley, Mackenzie's Mama sent took this picture while she was on vacation recently. Thanks for thinking of us, Ashley!


I've been having fun picking up Christmas ornaments here and there for this year's tree. I've found a few butterfly ornaments, a silly one with Ella's name on it, and recently this angel from Hallmark. Hallmark actually has a sleeping baby angel ornament, but I chose this one because I thought the little girl was so cute. Ella had dark hair when she was born, so this little girl reminded me of her. Plus, before cupcakes and butterflies, hearts were my obsession.

I Think I'm Gonna Be Sick

And it's not from morning sickness. It's from watching the show Platinum Babies. Seriously! Babies don't need $25,000 nurseries and Dior shoes. I get that part of my disgust may stem from jealously, but come on. It ticks me off when I see people who treat their children like the latest fashion accessory. And, it annoys me that these women feel 100% confident that their pregnancies will definately lead to a living baby. Like loss would never happen to them. Bitches.

Switch Gears. Whole 'nother topic. I tried to start another blog for this new little one. And, I just couldn't do it. My story, Ella's story, this new pregnancy... It's so intertwined. I want to celebrate this new life, but I am still grieving for Ella. I just cannot seperate the two. For now, I'm going to chronicle this new pregnancy here on this blog. Hoping and praying that I can chronicle it for many more months.

While I'm not adding a new blog, I'm thinking about changing the address of this blog. There are people in my real life who I no longer talk to and I'm not sure if they are still reading this blog. If they refuse to talk to me in real life, then I do not want to allow them the pleasure of reading about Ella or this new little one here. I'll try to alert all my followers when I do change the address. If you'd like to make sure you get the new address, you can leave me a comment below or send me an email at briannemeg@yahoo.com.

Rambles

* Is this not the cutest Christmas ornament you've ever seen? I received this in the mail yesterday from Morgan and Blumpy's mom, April. She hand painted it for my Christmas tree. I'm actually excited now to put up a little tree so that I can display it. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness, April. Every week I seem to get a little trinket or card in the mail,a personal email, or a phone call from one of my blog buddies. You all are such a blessing and I'm so grateful for your friendship and support.

* A few of you commented on my last post and asked how my appointment went yesterday. Again, I still don't know how I feel about sharing this information on this blog. Yet, I want you to be able to share in this pregnancy if you want to. I so desperately want to be happy and embrace every moment of this journey, but it's just hard. I told myself that I want to document everything just in case I lose this one too. But, I just haven't had the energy (mental or physical) to do so. It's really hard to wrap my brain around the fact that this pregnancy could lead to an actual living baby. I wish I was still ignorant and I didn't have to think about losing this baby each and every day.

The appointment went very well. My poor doctor was running about 45 minutes late because she had to care for a patient that was having a miscarriage. I think I was the only one in the waiting room that was okay with having to wait an hour to see her. All of the other preggys were quite upset and harassing the women at the front desks. Anyway, the baby measured 7 weeks 6 days and it's heartbeat was 162 bpm. My doctor is estimating my due date to by June 18, 2009, only about three weeks before Ella's due date. I loved seeing the baby on the monitor. I fell in love with the little one instantly. I thought it looked like a gummy bear (well, actually a sour patch kid, but that doesn't sound as cute). But, my husband has started calling it, jelly bean or JB. My next appointment is November 19th, my dad's birthday. On that day last year, I had an appointment for Ella. I guess it's the universes way of trying to keep me busy and send me something good on my dad's day.

* I'm thinking about breaking up with my therapist. I really like her, but just don't have the energy to go in and keep hashing out what happened every week. Even with my new found joy, I am still pretty depressed. I don't really socialize with anyone other than one of my support group buddies. I sit around the house for days on end. And, I'm okay with that. I don't feel ready to do much else. Does that make sense?

* I haven't talked to my mom in ten days. That's an all time record. The longest we've ever gone without talking has been two days. I'm not really sure what's going on with her. All I know is that I just don't have the patience to deal with her craziness. Especially because she's refusing help. Of course, I feel sad that I've lost the relationship I had with my mother. I feel sad for my siblings, for her grandchildren, and future grandchildren. But, the anger I feel towards her protects me from the sadness. I just feel done.

Butterfly Status

I think I should win an award for my lack of blogging lately. I don't have tons to say. I'm kind of in a blah phase at the moment. If I'm not working, my days are spent doing absent minded tasks like watching tv, taking bubble baths, or reading a good book. Anyway, there are several of you waiting on butterflies and I wanted to let you know they are in progress. I just have to pick up some more letters. So they should be up soon.

Waiting:
Lucas and Thomas
Cole Robert & Dillen Andrew
Sophia Grace
George

Hope everyone in blogland is hanging in there. Sending love to you all.

Trying to Catch My Breath

I've really been struggling for breath lately. My anxiety must be at an all time high. It started a couple weeks ago when I found out that I am allegedly pregnant again. I say allegedly because I've yet to have it confirmed with an ultrasound. I have to wait another 11 days before my first doctor's appointment. If all goes well, I would be just two days shy of 8 weeks pregnant. I needed some time before sharing this information publicly for several reasons. For one, I'm not 100% sure that there is a new life growing inside of me. What if I have a blighted ovum or an ectopic pregnancy? What if I share this information and this baby dies? I do look for blood every time I go to the bathroom. And, how do you share this information without hurting other moms out there who are struggling to have their rainbow babies? So, I guess with all of this going on in my head, there just isn't an appropriate way to share this news.But today, I decided that I needed to get some things off my chest. I haven't decided whether I will chronicle this pregnancy here on Ella's blog or to start a new one. Maybe when I learn that this baby is for real, I'll be able to make a decision.

I've started to obsess about the whole cerclage thing. Recently, a fellow blogger emailed me to request two butterflies for her sweet babies. She shared her experiences with incompetent cervix with me and told me that she recently had a transabdominal cerclage (TAC) placed. I have this strong feeling that this is a sign from the universe that I should pursue a TAC again. This kind blogger sent me lots of information, including a list of doctors in California that perform them. After losing Ella, I asked my doctor about having a TAC placed and she acted like I was crazy. She swore to me that she had been doing transvaginal cerclages (TCV) for eighteen years and had never seen one fail. She has also stated that after I have my TVC, I can go right back to living my life without bedrest. I'm not so sure I'm sold on all of this. I've met several women who have lost due to IC and only a few of them had success with a TVC. Several lost two babies before having a TAC placed. Does any of this make sense? I'm sorry. My mind is racing a mile a minute. Is there anyone out there that can share a success story with a TVC?

In addition to just feeling panicked about pregnancy, I lost my mother this week. She is still physically here, but I have lost her emotionally to a mental illness. Because her mind is not right, she is refusing help. I've had to lay low and not get too involved in the whole situation because I want to stay calm and healthy. But, I'm very angry at her. And, I've had several sleepless nights thanks to her. I feel like I have no family left. If something happened to my husband, I'd be alone.

I am trying to meditate everyday to help calm my mind, but it just doesn't seem to be working. I wish there was a magic pill that would make all my anxieties disappear.

Over The Top Award

I was given an "Over The Top" award from Kristy at I Love You To The Moon And Back.
I am supposed to answer the following 30 questions, with just one word... Kristy, you're right, one word is hard. Thanks for the award!

1. Where is your cell phone? Nightstand
2. Your hair? Up- always up!
3. Your mother? Tenessee
4. Your father? In my heart
5. Your favorite food? Hmmmm.... french fries
6. Your dream last night? Don't recall
7. Your favorite drink? Iced Tea Sparkler
8. Your dream/goal? A living baby in my arms
9. What room are you in? Bedroom
10. Your hobby? Blogging
11. Your fear? Losing another baby
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? In my own home with babies
13. Where were you last night? In-In-Out Burger
14. Something that you aren't? Calm
15. Muffins? Pumpkin
16. Wish list item? Living baby (is that getting old, sorry.)
17. Where did you grow up? Southern California
18. Last thing you did? Watch Gilmore Girls
19. What are you wearing? Pajamas
20. Your TV? On - Girlmore Girls
21. Your pets? Cassidy (choc. lab) and Patches (calico cat)
22. Friends? A Few
23. Your life? Sad
24. Your mood? Anxious
25. Missing someone? My Dad and My Ella
26. Vehicle? Filthy
27. Something you’re not wearing? Underwear (ha)
28. Your favorite store? Nordstrom (though, I can rarely afford to shop there)
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? Can't remember
31. Last time you cried? Monday
32. Your best friend? Thoughtful
33. One place that I go to over and over? Trader Joes
34. One person who emails me regularly? Kathy
35. Favorite place to eat? Right now? Chipotle.

And of course I need to pass it on to other fellow bloggers. I'm not sure how many I am supposed to send it to, so I'm going to pass it on to all the bloggers who commented on my last post:

Franchesca at Handprints from Heaven

Jess at Peace Like a River

Jen at Lily's Mommy Forever

Jill at Footprints On Our Hearts

Nan at Remembering Our Triplet Angels

Nimoli at Aaajaa Akul

Holly at Caring for Carleigh

Lea at Nicholas' Touch

Heather at In This Storm

Karen at Busy Hands

Kathy at For Kathy's Girls

Wave of Light October 15th

Our children's lives are remembered and honored each and everyday. But, on October 15th, mommies all over the world lit candles in memory of their sweet babies. A couple of friends sent pictures of the candles they lit for Ella.


This is the one I lit.


Lit by my IRL friend, Amber. Can't believe she knows three people who've had late losses.


Lit by my IRL friend, Sadie.


Lit by another IRL friend, Sara.


From another IRl friend, Andrea.


Jonathan's mom, Jessica sent balloons up to our babies.

Ella's Collage

Thank you to Jenna Belle's mom, Franchesca for creating this beautiful collage for Ella. I am continually amazed at all the different things lost baby moms are doing to honor their sweet babies. You all are awesome!

Holidays

While shopping this weekend, husband and I came across some baby Halloween outfits and costumes. With heavy hearts, we looked through the outfits and tried to determine which one we would have put Ella in for Halloween. That's when the husband suggested we just buy the outfit that we would have bought. So, that's what we did. I chose this little footed onsie because I liked the pumpkin on the butt. I bought it in the size that Ella should have been had she been born in July. Right now it's hanging in the closet with all of her other outfits. I asked the husband if that meant that we could buy Ella some Christmas items as well. He said, of course.

A few weeks ago I decided that even though I don't want to do anything for the Christmas this year, I would like to decorate a tree with butterflies and white twinkle lights. I shared this idea with my friend Kate and she told me she was already thinking of doing the same thing. She immediately forwarded me the name of a site that sells beautiful butterflies for a reasonable price.
Right now, I'm trying to decide which colors I'd like to do. Pink and silver? Pink and white? What do you think?

The Butterfly

Thank you to Emily for this beautiful butterfly pic for Ella. This was a moving butterfly, so I know it took Emily many tries to get this picture perfect.

Thanks, Lea for sending me this beautiful poem. I plan on reading it tomorrow (unless I get shy) at my support group's annual memorial service. Lea, you are so thoughtful.

My Butterfly

I long to feel the soft weight of you
to welcome you home, with kisses
on silky round cheeks.
Instead my arms ache with the
weight of your absence,
the empty places that were meant for you
to grow into.
My love for you will last an eternity
My hopes and dreams now carried
on the fragile wings of each butterfly passing...

Let's Hear It

Okay, I wanna hear from those of you who have done hcg shots- specifically ovidrel, if you've used it. How long before the hcg left your system?

I took the ovidrel 250 mcg shot 10 days ago.

Pretend Preggo

Between the HCG shot and the progesterone gel, my usual pregnancy symptoms are in full force. These symptoms include waking up at 4 am for the last three days. Today, I've already eaten a 1/2 of a crossaint (at 4:00 am), peanut butter banana toast, strawberries, and a huge bowl of veggie spaghetti. And, it's only noon! I'm relishing it while it lasts.

Change of subject... Here's a little pumpkin I made for Ella.

Something Only A LBM Would Understand

I learned of my shadow baby today. It's a boy. The news was delivered to me via a nine year old girl. I think if the news were broke to me by anyone else, I would have been very angry. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I heard it was a boy. People in my real life don't seem to get why that matters to me. Honestly, I don't even truly know why it makes a difference, but it does. Maybe because I was supposed to have a daughter here in my arms, so I don't want anyone else to have that. Maybe because she really wanted a girl. I'm still sad and still angry. Angry that other people get to go on living and have their happy, healthy babies and I do not. Angry that I didn't get to announce the arrival of my healthy baby. Instead I had to send out a text that my beautiful daughter was born, but didn't live. Angry that I left the hospital with empty arms. My husband asked me today if I sometimes wish bad things would happen to other's babies. My answer was, yes. Sometimes. Sometimes, I do wish that others knew the desperate pain of losing a child.

Today, another blogger wrote about losing a dear friend who is currently pregnant. I know that I have lost/am losing friends because I cannot accept their pregnancies/babies. For friends that do not get this. I ask them to imagine planning and anticipating one of the greatest joys of life. Imagine giving birth, and instead of hearing your baby take its first breath, you're told that they're not alive. You will never see your baby look up at you. You will never know the color of their eyes. Imagine handing your baby over knowing that is the last time you'll ever lay eyes on them. Imagine being asked to fill out mortuary paperwork instead of a birth certificate. Imagine being rolled out of the labor and delivery ward, the only one without a baby in her arms. It's a heartwrenching, devastatingly screwed up process.

If only I could move to a deserted island.

Please universe,

let this be a sign.

Firsts

Today, I had the pleasure of injecting myself with my first trigger shot. I was a little freaked out, but watched a demo video online (what would we do without the internet?). The needle slid in quickly and I didn't feel a thing- thanks belly flab. I was pretty darn proud of myself. The directions irked me a bit. They are divided into categories. One of the sections says, "for infertile women using ART," another "for infertile women with ovulatory disorders." First of all, isn't it implied that i'm "infertile" if I'm using the damn shot. Second of all, thanks for the reminder. I'm sure the person who wrote those instructions was a man or woman with 3.2 healthy, beautiful children at home. Maybe the directions should say something like "I'm sorry you're experiencing difficulties getting pregnant. We hope this is the last time you have to shoot yourself up..."



Yesterday, I had my first in public cry when I walked by the Janie and Jack store at the mall. I saw this beautiful christmas dress in the window. Right next door was Pottery Barn Kids- they had their Halloween costumes on display. It was then that it really hit me that I won't be dressing Ella in her first Halloween costume. I won't be buying her this Christmas dress with the matching beret and shiny black shoes. It sucks. I didn't want to celebrate the holidays last year since I had just lost my dad. So, this year they are really being called off. One could only hope that I'm at least pregnant by the time they roll around.

Mito-awareness Week

This post is for another Ella. To read her story, click here.

Many states have 'official' Mitochondrial Disease Awareness weeks - declared as the 3rd week in September to raise awareness for Mitochondrial Diseases.

This event is to spread awareness on Mitochondrial Disease wherever YOU are located. :]


• Every 15 minutes a child is born that will develop mitochondrial disease by age 10.

• It is estimated that of the 4 million children born each year in the United States, up to 4000 develop mitochondrial diseases.

• At least 1 in 200 individuals in the general public have a mitochondrial DNA mutation that may lead to disease.

• There are over 40 identified types of Mitochondrial Diseases and believed to be over 100 variants of mitochondrial diseases, .

• In the United States, more than 50 million adults suffer from diseases in which mitochondrial dysfunction is involved. Mitochondrial dysfunction is found in diseases as diverse as cancer, infertility, diabetes, heart diseases, blindness deafness, kidney disease, liver disease, stroke, migraine, and the toxicity of HIV and other drugs. Mitochondrial dysfunction is also involved in aging and neurodegenerative diseases such as Parkinson and Alzheimer dementia.

• The World Health Organization (WHO) calculates that neurodegenerative diseases, also associated with mitochondrial dysfunction, will become the world's second leading cause of death by the year 2040.

Butterflies

I just finished my 52nd butterfly. It's heartbreaking when you realize how many of us are in the baby loss club. I have been slacking a bit on getting the butterflies made because I've just been burnt out on coloring. So, this morning I came up with a new design. I think they're quite cute. I hope you like them. I love to send the butterflies out to their rightful owners. If you'd like your butterfly mailed to you, just send me your info in an email- briannemeg@yahoo.com. I still have quite of few butterflies that need to be made. If you don't see your butterfly here or your name below, please requet a butterfly by leaving me a comment.

**UPDATED 10/15/09- All butterfly requests have been filled. You may request butterflies here, by clicking on Ella's Parade of Butterflies, or by emailing me. :)

I'm Fine, I'm Well, I'm Coping

I discovered this poem here. I feel it really speaks to where I'm at right now. The phone calls and emails have become few and far between. And, when they do take place, I don't let people know that I'm still not okay (my therapist calls it "my mask."). I'm having a hard time deciphering whether people are pulling away on their own or if I am pushing them to do so.

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping"

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
she never did before.
From now until she dies,
she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how is she,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how is she,
she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For Gods sake Mom,
just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she
she'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom with all the lies you told!"

Comanche and Julius

Husband and I like to play this game... We close our eyes and open this book. The name we are pointing to when we open our eyes, will be our next baby's name. It's a fun game- good for lots of giggles. We played it often when I was pregnant with Ella. Last night's names were... Comanche and Julius. Nice. I did dream I had twin boys.

Half A Year

It's been six months since I birthed and held my darling daughter.

Six months since I said goodbye.

Half of a year feels like such a large amount of time. Yet, it still feels like I lost her just days ago.

I still can't believe it happened. I still replay the event in my head over and over again everyday.

I still wish things turned out differently.

I still think about all of the things I should be doing had Ella come home with us. You know... like buying her first Halloween costume and getting ready for fall and the holidays.

My heart still drops every time I pass a pregnant woman or a mom with a stroller.

I still very much want to tell EVERYBODY I meet that I am a mother too.

I still have not hung out with any of my friends who are currently pregnant or have new babies.

I've progressed in some ways since March. I don't sit around on the couch numb for days on end. I'm working now. I've been subbing quite a bit. And, I just got a new job teaching two days a week at a school near my home. I'm working as a math intervention teacher, so I'm working with small groups of children. It really is a dream job. I'm grateful for the opportunity. I am able to smile and act professionally. But, still, in the back of my mind, I know that I shouldn't be there. I should be home with Ella.

A Crappy Questionnaire. And, The Results Are In...

Number of pregnancies: 1 (wait... does the chemical pregnancy count? should i write two?)

Number of living children: 0 (crappy questionnaire. thanks for the reminder.)

Cycle Day 3 Blood Test Results:
My LH level is two times my FSH level. According to my doctor, my LH level would be at least three times my FSH level if I had true PCOS. But, I am borderline. (However, I read on the internet that anything over a 1:1 ratio, is PCOS). She doesn't think any medication other than Clomid is necessary. My sister is currently doing a low-glycemic diet to manage her PCOS. I'm jumping on that bandwagon as well. Can't hurt! Bye bye cupcakes. :( All other hormones are within "normal" range.

Blog Assistance

UPDATE: Thanks, Ladies. I'm all good now. Blogs showed back up the next day. Whew. Thank goodness. :)

My google reader is empty. All of my blogs (and there are too many to admit) are missing. I thought maybe it was a temporary glitch, but it's been like that all day. Does anyone know how to fix this?

i was supposed to have a baby and all i got was this lousy watermelon

Husband brought home this adorable little watermelon last night. I immediately stuck the darn thing up my shirt and pretended I had a bun (I mean melon) in the oven. I then had the idea to dress this little guy up. Of course, it was good for some shits and giggles, but it also served as a reminder of how sad and depressing this whole process is. Ella should be home with us, but she's not. All I have is this damn watermelon that looks like a little darling baby. My heart is broken and my arms are empty.

Someone in my real life is expecting her first baby any day now. I've been freaking out about it for the past couple of days. I do not want to know if she's had the baby. I do not want to know whether it was a boy or girl. I do not want to know its' name. I am choosing to pretend like the whole thing isn't happening. But, I am afraid that when I go out, I'll run into her or someone who knows her who will deliver the news that she's had the baby. I fear that there will be an email in my inbox with the news. Of course, I feel like a bitch for feeling this way, but I'm also giving myself permission to be angry and bitter and pissed off. I prayed and prayed that I'd be pregnant by the time she had her baby so that I'd at least feel a bit better. But, I'm not.

I'm agonizing over what to do this next cycle. I'm getting ready to start Provera to induce a period since I didn't ovulate this past month. My Clearblue monitor said I ovulated, I felt like I ovulated, but a blood test proved otherwise. I'm going to have all of my hormone levels checked on cycle day 3. Then, I have to make up my mind if I'm going to try a larger dose of Clomid. I'm so desperate to be pregnant and know that if I'm not ovulating, then I don't even have a chance to fulfill that dream. I also like that when I'm on Clomid, my cycles are monitored very closely and I'll know if I'm going to ovulate or not. On the other hand, I really want to figure out the cause of the anovulation. I hate putting that crap in my body, especially if it's not doing anything. Sigh...

23 weeks 3 days

Dear Sweet Baby,

Today we have been without you 23 weeks 3 days- the length of time you were with us. Our hearts are still so broken. Everyday we dream about what our life would have been like had you come home with us. We miss you. We love you.

*Thanks to Ashley at Babies in the Sky for this picture.

Seriously?

The Duggars Expecting Their 19th Child!

I loathe the universe! Why does this women have the privilege of bearing so many children, when so many women struggle with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss? Seriously...

Ella The Fairy

Akul's mom created this for me. I absolutely love it. It gives me a visual of what Ella may have looked like (minus the wings- LOL). I adore the idea of Ella taking a lick of my cupcake before I eat it. Now, I'm going to have eat more cupcakes, darn it. I think fairies are going to be my new thing. Isn't this just so adorable? Akul's mom, Nimoli is actually a real life friend. We met at our local support group. She lost her precious son a few days after he was born in February. Thank you so much, Nimoli! Looking forward to seeing you at group on Wednesday.

I received the Honest Scrap award from Sydney's Mom, Akul's Mom, and Sophie & Aiden's mom. Thanks, girls! I apologize that it took me a couple days to get this up.

There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

So, I pass this award on to:

Kate at Kate's Corner

Kathy at For Kathy's Girls

Angela at Thumpin' Along

Nan at Remembering Our Triplet Angels

Courtney at Journey 2 Baby Peek

Sarah at Still Thinking...Again

Jen at Lily's Mommy Forever

AnnaMarie at A Garden For Butterflies

Here are my 10 honest and hopefully interesting (I don't feel interesting today, but I'll try) things about me:

I'm picky about my food. I won't waste calories on foods that I don't love. I won't eat food that's been in my cupboard or freezer longer than a couple of months.

I totaled my car in an accident in college. I over corrected and crashed into the center divider on the freeway.

I'm fear that I'll never get pregnant again. I don't understand what is going on with my body and I'm so frustrated. I can't picture myself with my own living baby in my arms.

I hate getting dressed. When I was in high school, I'd spend hours straightening my hair, applying make-up, picking out an outfit (how annoying). Now, I can shower, scrunch up my hair, and throw on something comfortable in 10 minutes. You'll never see me with make up. I feel like I don't even know how to put it on.

If I could start my career over again, I'd do something in the science field. Maybe study to be a chiropractor, acupuncturist, or a sonographer. Nursing was my major my first year of college, but I kept passing out while volunteering at the hospital, so I gave that up. Part of me wishes I would have stuck with it. I actually just filled out an application to volunteer at San Diego Children's Hospital. Hopefully, they'll need me.

I watch way too much TV. Name a show and I probably watch it. Seriously, it's embarrassing.

I'm kind of ADHD. I cannot sit still for long. I always have to be doing something. That's why knitting is good for me- keeps my hands busy.

I cheated on my healthy eating regimen this weekend. My diet included many glasses of wine and cheese fries at 11 pm last night.

I purposely didn't number my interesting facts, so that you wouldn't know I didn't have ten facts. My brain is mush, I've got nothing.

Hopeful

I thought I should capture this moment of hope here on my blog. Today I am feeling hopeful. I'm feeling hopeful that I made the right decision about leaving my job. I have confidence that I'm going to get some good subbing jobs going (my first job is Friday) and that I'm going to sign up a couple of clients for tutoring. I know that I can do anything I put effort into. And, I know that this work will be something I feel comfortable doing while pregnant with #2. My new business cards came in there mail yesterday. I'm calling myself, "The Traveling Teacher." I've also started a new blog where my clients can go to learn about me and ask for homework help. If you visit it, please let me know if you have any suggestions of what I could add to it.

A Bloom For Ella

Nan just sent another photo of Ella's bloom in full bloom. :)




Shelby, Lynne, and Megan's mom, Nan sent this beautiful bloom for Ella yesterday. Nan, thank you so much for acknowledging Ella's day. I wish I could come and hang out with you in your girls' garden. Thank you so much for the beautiful picture. xoxo

5 Months

Yesterday, was Ella's 5 month anniversary. I can't believe it's been 5 months. Time has flown by and it still feels like it all happened just yesterday. In just a few weeks, we will have been without her just as long as she was with us. We spent most of the day inside the house with the air conditioning cranked up. But, we went out exploring in the evening. I feel so fortunate to live in such a beautiful city. We went for a sunset walk in Coronado. Of course, I wrote Ella's name in the sand. Again, I didn't have my camera. Then, we headed downtown to buy some of these delicious cupcakes.



Mmmmm. The peanut butter chocolate cupcake is Ah-mazing. They don't call them Heaven.ly Cup.cakes for nothing.

This morning, I received a series of beautiful photos from Kenner's mom, Emalee. Thank you so much, Emalee. I just love these photos. I will post them all in Ella's Name Gallery.



I also wanted to point out that my blog buddy, Lisa is hosting a preemie clothing drive in honor of her son, Jasper. Please visit her site to see if you can help out in any way.

Reborns

When I was pregnant with Ella, I remember watching this story on Dateline. It was a story about women who carry these $4,000 baby dolls around like their live babies. I remember chuckling a bit when I saw the story. But, I also remember thinking that these women must have been traumatized in some manner to dress these babies, strap them in carseats, push them in strollers... I felt sad for them. Well, fast foward a couple of months and here I am, I am one of those women. Seriously. These dolls were made for women like me. Like us. If I had huge sums of money, I would consider getting one. But, really, if I had huge sums of money, I'd rather spend it on fertility treatments, surrogacy, or adoption.

What I've Been Up To

A couple of my faithful blog followers commented that I haven't been around (online) much this week(though, maybe they haven't switched over to my new blog). So I decided to post with what I've been up to. Warning: It's nothing exciting.

I resigned from my teaching position on Monday. Even though it's what I wanted and needed, I'm still a little sad. It was depressing packing up all of my things in my classroom. I'm also worried about whether I'll get enough subbing and tutoring jobs to make ends meet. One school district I called said they have over 700 subs on their list. I've created business cards and am working on a new blog where my tutees can come and learn about me, ask questions, ect... I'm calling myself "The Traveling Teacher."

I've been busy this week with appointments. I saw a new therapist yesterday. I may like her. I'm not sure yet. I liked my last therapist the first time too. I had acupuncture today. I love my acupuncturist. I've had my share of spa treatments, and my acupuncture sessions go above and beyond any treatment I've ever had. Tomorrow, I'm off to the dentist and to have tb test done for substitute teaching. Then, I have my follicle ultrasound on Monday morning. Let's hear it for 1 big, beautiful follie.

I'm still trying to be good with my diet (hate calling it a diet- more of a lifestyle). Still trying to eat an egg every day because my acupuncturist says if you want to have good eggs, eat eggs. Chinese rule, I guess. I've added flaxseed to my regimen too. Flaxseed is supposed to balance hormone levels in women. Other items I'm eating every day are Greek yogurt, an avocado, walnuts, and green tea. I guess if this lifestyle doesn't bring me a baby, at least I'll be healthy.

I started reading "The Time Traveler's Wife." I like it, but have had to reread sections several times. Is it just me or is it a little hard to follow? Maybe after I get farther into it, I'll get the whole going back and forth thing.

What's been going on with you?

A Move, Misery, and A Blanket

I moved. I'd been thinking about moving my blog for a while. In fact, I'm still thinking about making the change to Wordpress. I love that you can password protect certain posts should you be so inclined to do so. But, for now, I feel a little safer here (though, I've googled the title of my blog and I show up in sorts of places- on my old blog, on other blogs, but not here, yet...). A while ago, I made the choice to invite some of the people in my real life to view my blog. My reasoning for this was that I wanted them to understand what this whole screwed up process is really about. Anyway, I've had mostly good responses from them. I've been a little disappointed at times because I've invited people to read and they don't (or they don't tell me they're reading). There's also been times when my IRLs have wanted to talk about something I wrote on my blog and I just don't want to (you know, the whole it's easy to write it on your blog, but not easy to say it out loud). Well, last week, some of the things that I had been saying on my blog in regards to my work came back to bite me in the behind. I knew this would happen. In fact, it's not really that big of a deal because I've decided to not return to my job. But, I was quite angry because the person that was calling me out on what I was saying has been telling me for months that she only wants to be there for me as a friend. I feel like she was holding the things I said against me and that's not fair. I've been through so much shit and have every right to say what's on my mind here. No one has the right to challenge the way I'm feeling. I felt violated. I felt unsafe and decided to make the move.

I've been miserable this week. I don't feel happy. My days lack joy. I feel like a zombie walking through the necessary steps of living each day. We are just about to hit the five month mark. I'd say up until last week, the hope I had for living baby pulled me through each day. Now, that that's been taken from me, I just don't know what to do.

I had such a strong vibe that I would conceive in July. And I did. As soon as I saw the two pink lines, I knew it wouldn't stick. And it didn't. Now, I am not feeling anything. I don't have any strong vibes about anything other than I'm not going to have a living baby in my arms for a very long time. I know that living for the possiblity of bringing a healthy baby into the world is not any way to live. I don't want my life to revolve around this, but what can you do?

By the way, I've decided to proceed with another cycle of Clomid + Estrace + Progesterone. But, this month, I'm not taking any hpts. If my period is late, I will just call my doctor and request a beta. I'm not putting myself through that torture again. Nor do I have the cash to keep buying hpts.



I've been sleeping with the blanket Ella was wrapped in at birth since I came home from the hospital. Sadly, the blanket is getting dingy and could use a washing. Part of me wants to wash it and put it away for safe keeping, before it gets ruined. Another part of me wonders what good it will do when I have the blanket sitting in my closet 20 years from now. Maybe I should just keep using the blanket as my comfort item until it completely falls apart. I actually have another blanket of hers, the blanket she was wrapped in after the nurse dressed her. I've been keeping that one safely in my closet. But, this one, the one I sleep with is the one that means the most to me. It is the one that touched Ella's skin.

I'm sorry for the downer post. I wish I had something positive or enlightening to say. I want to help others like me, I want to inspire others to feel positive and hopeful. But, I'm just not there yet.