Ella is not my or this baby's guardian angel. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. It's not supposed to. Here's the thing. When I got pregnant with Ella, there were a few people who told me that Ella was a gift (she was/is) and that my father was watching over us. So, of course, after I lost her, I spent several weeks furious with my father.
Why didn't he watch over me?
Why didn't he protect her?
I just watched my father die, why did I have to watch her die, too?
Maybe he was mad at me for allowing him to die.
Maybe he took this baby from me...
I eventually learned to let these thoughts go and realized that my dad was probably right there with me as I lost her, sharing in my grief. But because of this experience, I know that I could never put that responsibility on Ella. Sure if everything works out, it would be easy to say that Ella guided this baby safely to us. But the fact is, it may not work out. And, I can't put that responsibility on my innocent baby. Do I get angry when others say that Ella is watching over Nora? No, not at all. What I do believe is that Ella is with us. And, that she wants her mother and father to have a living baby in their arms.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
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I agree with this. Its not fair to them to put that on them. They are not in charge, God is. And thats not saying that God did this to us either, I believe it is all due to the fallen world that we live in. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteI'm the same way I want to imagine Gracie up there having the best of times and not worrying over us down here. I'm glad you said these things, it is sort of a pet peave of mine, any human who dies is not an angel. Angels are angels not people.
ReplyDeleteWell said Bree. I get it I really do. xx
ReplyDeleteI agree with you too Bree! I think our babies are with us every step of the way, but I don't think they have any control over the outcome of these pregnancies. Hope you are feeling well!! xx
ReplyDeleteyes, Bree. yes. We got pregnant with the twins after more than a year of trying right after my father-in-law died. We truly thought they were a gift from him. Brian kept saying-it'll be ok, they're a gift from my dad. I went through the exact same anger with him-why in the world would he bring them to us just to take them away?
ReplyDeleteThank you for putting this into words.
I think soph and aiden are here with us, in our hearts and more, but it can't be their responsibility to help us get nora here. She's going to get here on her own! A LONG time from now (but not too long, of course :)
I can understand that, but at the same time I felt a bit of peace knowing the E wasn't alone anymore. For whatever reason, maybe E needed L in Heaven. He didn't want to be alone in the grave, he didn't want to be alone in Heaven. Does it make everything that happened okay? Not for a second. Maybe its just me making this more magical then it really is. But its what gets me through the day. My kids on earth have eachother, my kids in Heaven have eachother. You believe in what you need to believe in to get through the day. Regardless of what that is, Ella and Nora will always be special gifts. Lots of *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI agree so much, Bree. I think that our babies in Heaven care so deeply for their siblings, and love us with all of their hearts - but you're right, it isn't fair to project our hurts and hopes onto them. They are so special and important even without that.
ReplyDeleteHugs and hugs and hugs.
I agree with you 100%! Know that they are with you sharing in you feeling, but don't ever put this on them. It is not their decision. Good Luck!!!
ReplyDeleteThat makes a lot of sense.
ReplyDeleteWell said.
ReplyDeleteSomebody needed to say it and I'm so glad it's out there now.
I feel the same way, and it's not fair to put that responsibilty on sweet Ella. I do agree that she wants you two to be happy.
I agree. And I apologize if I've ever said it (or something similar) to you! I have thought the same thing before. Makes total sense to me. I hope you are feeling well.
ReplyDeletei know that ppl are just trying to be supportive, but it hurts and it makes me angry. i swear if i heard one more time we have an angel watching out for us I was seriously going to do someone physical harm. but i know that no one knows what to say in these circumstances and they say what they have heard others say.
ReplyDeleteElla is watching out for you guys, but as a big sister and she loves her mommy, daddy and baby sister nora.
BTW I LOOVE LLOVE the name Nora. It was my great grandmothers name and I am seriously thinking about naming my 2nd daughter (when and if I have one) that.
I know that people truly just don't have words to say to comfort, and often try to say something they feel would be comforting. I personally have never liked any of the poems or words that people give me that tell me Matthew is watching because right now, all Matthew is seeing is a heartbroken mommy and I just can't conceive of him being in Heaven yet watching me cry and be sad.
ReplyDeleteI want Heaven to be nothing but happiness and joy and being held by God...not any responsibility to me or any brothers or sisters he may have.
But that's just me and I know that it's different for all of us.
When we first lost Akul everyone kept telling us that we now had a guardian angel who would look after us....he would ensure that all good things come our way. At that time I was so numb with grief that I actually believed it!!! Now I know it is just something people say because they have no other solace to offer...Nothing good happened to me...I cried more than ever before..my husband went crazy with sorrow and I got to know how much grief there is in this world. I found moms who had multiple losses and they all had angels. These babies are our little babies ... we love and protect them...I always felt Akul owes me nothing and I owe him so much.. Many hugsssss Breee. Ella is a beautiful baby who lives in your heart. XO XO XO
ReplyDeleteI can certainly understand what you are saying...I think the people that are saying these things have high hopes that Nora will be ok. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your Dad. *hugs* I am thinking about you.
Agreed. Mackenzie had nothing to do with the loss of our second little miracle. I'm sure she is enjoying his/her company in heaven though. I can't wait until my arms are full in heaven, but i'd like the same on earth as well.
ReplyDeletexo
Ashley
It was very strange for me when my mom would tell me that E's mom was in Heaven watching over us and maybe she wanted Lukas to watch over him. I refused to believe that E's mom took Lukas away from us. I know that he is our Angel and he watches over us. He is there when we are happy and he is there to bring comfort to us as well. But as to decide what happens to us I don't believe. That is up to God Himself.
ReplyDeleteI got this too, of course. It's what people say when they don't know what to say and they are trying to comfort us. I feel like my daughter gave me all she could and it would be like I was disappointed in her if I asked for more, ie for her to guard over her family. But that is just me - no judgment whatsoever on others who feel their babies are their angels. I just hope Malou is aware of us, somehow, and can feel and see how much we love her.
ReplyDeleteFunny enough, now that my son is here alive, I have called him my little angel several times...it just pops out.
PS I read in my new-agey life after death book ;) that grandparents are the ones who help take babies to the other side when they die, so maybe your dad was watching over and protecting little Ella when she needed him most.
Hugs to you.
Thank you so much for your comment on my blog post. I have been reading your posts and I am very happy to hear that things are going well with your sweet Nora. Best wishes for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteAmy
I think this is a beautiful way of looking at it, and I couldn't agree more with your assessment.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you. When we lost Maya, someone told me to ask our angel souls to send us a new baby - so I did. And then that baby died too. So I, like you, was a little angry with Maya as well as my aunt and others I asked for a new little baby. So I definitely sense their presence but don't really credit them for good or bad things that happen to me/us.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. I don't even know if I believe that our loved ones can watch over us or guide us. Maybe they can or maybe they can't. I don't think that's something we'll ever really know. I'm more inclined to believe that they aren't really thinking of us much at all. There are more important things in Heaven.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your post. Very well said!
ReplyDeleteOh I undersatnd this so very well. I also wondered those same things. I also have 2 anniversaries this month. 10 yrs since my Dad died & 10 months since Janessa died. This month has been hard. I will be thinking of you & your girls.
ReplyDelete