I've really been struggling for breath lately. My anxiety must be at an all time high. It started a couple weeks ago when I found out that I am allegedly pregnant again. I say allegedly because I've yet to have it confirmed with an ultrasound. I have to wait another 11 days before my first doctor's appointment. If all goes well, I would be just two days shy of 8 weeks pregnant. I needed some time before sharing this information publicly for several reasons. For one, I'm not 100% sure that there is a new life growing inside of me. What if I have a blighted ovum or an ectopic pregnancy? What if I share this information and this baby dies? I do look for blood every time I go to the bathroom. And, how do you share this information without hurting other moms out there who are struggling to have their rainbow babies? So, I guess with all of this going on in my head, there just isn't an appropriate way to share this news.But today, I decided that I needed to get some things off my chest. I haven't decided whether I will chronicle this pregnancy here on Ella's blog or to start a new one. Maybe when I learn that this baby is for real, I'll be able to make a decision.
I've started to obsess about the whole cerclage thing. Recently, a fellow blogger emailed me to request two butterflies for her sweet babies. She shared her experiences with incompetent cervix with me and told me that she recently had a transabdominal cerclage (TAC) placed. I have this strong feeling that this is a sign from the universe that I should pursue a TAC again. This kind blogger sent me lots of information, including a list of doctors in California that perform them. After losing Ella, I asked my doctor about having a TAC placed and she acted like I was crazy. She swore to me that she had been doing transvaginal cerclages (TCV) for eighteen years and had never seen one fail. She has also stated that after I have my TVC, I can go right back to living my life without bedrest. I'm not so sure I'm sold on all of this. I've met several women who have lost due to IC and only a few of them had success with a TVC. Several lost two babies before having a TAC placed. Does any of this make sense? I'm sorry. My mind is racing a mile a minute. Is there anyone out there that can share a success story with a TVC?
In addition to just feeling panicked about pregnancy, I lost my mother this week. She is still physically here, but I have lost her emotionally to a mental illness. Because her mind is not right, she is refusing help. I've had to lay low and not get too involved in the whole situation because I want to stay calm and healthy. But, I'm very angry at her. And, I've had several sleepless nights thanks to her. I feel like I have no family left. If something happened to my husband, I'd be alone.
I am trying to meditate everyday to help calm my mind, but it just doesn't seem to be working. I wish there was a magic pill that would make all my anxieties disappear.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
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First and foremost, Congrats, even if you feel it's premature. I am so excited for you! I will be praying for you and your new lil one! Ella is surly smiling down on you and sending you love and support! Second, I am so sorry that your mother and you are going through hard times. My mom just dealth with the same sort of situation with her sister. I dont know the details of your situation but I watched my mom struggle to take care of her sister who not only struggled with skitsophrenia but was terminal from cancer. In the last few months my aunt had no idea where she was or even who any of us were. At her few lucid moments her voices would convince her that my mother was trying to harm her. It was awful to watch. Its a difficult situation, I will be praying for you on this as well. *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteAwww congrats hun! I pray for a strong health heartbeat at you Dr. appointment. I was a HUGE promoter for the TVC. I felt, heck I have never had any trauma to the cervix surely it would work for me. Well you see how that turned out. I am now promoting the TAC. Now don't get me wrong-for some people the TVC does work, but it always ends in some form of bedrest (modified or strict). I am sure your Dr is knowledgeable but from the experiences of many women who I have met, this is the case. My Dr. has only ever had one fail, well I made #2. Go with your heart. It is your choice. If the Dr. does not want to support you, find another who will.
ReplyDeleteI have no words of wisdom concerning your mom, but know that I am praying for her.
Hugs - I am sooo excited for you!
congrats darling, It sometimes might be hard for us mothers who have lost, seeing others get pregnant again, its more jelousy, and im sure you know the feeling as well. but i am more then happy for you =) after losing a child, I can only imagine the happiness of finding out you are pregnant again, but I can also imagine how terrifying it is as well. Im honestly scared to death of the day i find out im pregnant again, because all of the questions that are running thru your mind, will be running through mine as well.
ReplyDeleteI have a weak cervix and was told i would have to get a cerclage, but I have also heard of others who has lost children in result of, so its really a scary thing.
but you are your bean will be in my thoughts and prayers, you desearve this.
try not to stress to much
(though i know easier said then done)
Oh, Bree! What a week. Bless your heart. Congrats on your pregnancy, and prayers that all goes smoothly. Go with your heart and what will make you feel calmer this pregnancy - find a care provider who will help you make informed decisions for yourself (not force their own on you). I'm sorry for your mother's health issue right now, too. I'm estranged from my own mother due to her own battles with alcohol and possible mental illness. I won't presume to think your situation the same as mine, but know that I feel for you because I certainly know how it is to watch my mother make choices and decisions that are baffling and hurtful. I'm thinking of you and hoping you have some peaceful moments in this trying, anxiety-filled time. Big, big (((hugs))) coming your way from me in BC. Keep us posted, please, on how things go for you.
ReplyDeleteHi sweetie,
ReplyDeleteI can feel the anxiety in your writing. Im so sorry you are stressed out. Meditating is good, especially if you are prego its not good to have the major stress happening. I know sometimes we don't have control over the crap that gets dealt to us, and it completely sucks. Just know we are all here for you and thinking of you and holding your hand as you get through this difficult time.
As far as the cerclage goes, the peri we saw for consult steered way clear of talking about the TAC because a rupture doesn't always happen at the bottom of the cervix it can happen at the top too (???), so he said he would feel safer with a TVC for incompetent cervix/chance of rupture. We are trying again, but its on the DL.
Well, I hope everything gets better for you....if I were you I would be taking HPT's everyday waiting for the damn doc appt!!! Goodluck sweetie,
Hugs, Nan xoxox
Bree, *huge hugs* I am very excited for you. I will be praying for you and your little one.
ReplyDeleteThe only advice I can give about the cerclage is to make the decision that is right for you. Put your trust and God and he will take care of the rest. I will be praying for you to make the decision you need to make.
BREE!!!! Yes! I am truly praying that this is your rainbow baby. You have been there for me and you just don't know how happy I am for you.
ReplyDeleteI am sad to hear about your mom. I can only imagine how frustreated you are. I am sending my love and prayers to you.
Bree I am waiting to hear the good news when you see the heartbeat at your next u/s. Hugsssssss. I know how much you need your mom right now. I cry for my mother as much as I cry for Akul. I always felt when I went and talked to mom, all my problems were solved. I am so sorry your mom is incapable of being there for you right now. When you need a shoulder, call me. You now I am not far from you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about my mom. My mom comes & goes, has my entire lifetime.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we can survive these next 8 months together. I remember you posting on my blog after I requested a butterfly for Joel, we're due around the same time. I've never had a loss besides him & that was at 40 weeks. I never feared the early part of pregnancy, it never entered my mind that anything could happen. No, like you, I'm scared. I check every time I use the bathroom. I fear next Monday at my first ultrasound, being told bad news.
We'll make it. Telling just myself that doesn't help much, but if this is something else I'm not alone in, I think I can. I think we all will.
Oh Bree, I'm so sorry for all you're going through with your Mom and your anxiety, but so happy about your news. I am praying so much for you and this little one! I actually just posted about my BFP today too! I too haven't decided yet about creating a new blog, or updating on my current blog. I'm sure it really is so hard to believe you are really pregnant after two consecutive losses, and still being so early, but I am hoping and praying this is your miracle baby, Bree! I'm glad you decided to share your news.
ReplyDeleteYay Bree!!! I am so happy for your pregnancy news! I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you. I am so sorry your mom isn't here with you to help you through this time. Even though we are grown women, I think we still need our moms sometimes. Think of us all as a surrogate mother for you. We are hear to listen and to support you and to put your mind at ease when needed. xx
ReplyDeleteBree! I will be thinking of you so much this week! you are so sweet to shield other mommies who arent pregnant yet.. but honestly, i am happier for mommies who have lost who become pregnant more than ANY other mommies!! because i know how much we truly deserve it.
ReplyDeleteonly the best for you.
First, Congratulations! I'm praying that you will see that little heartbeat and that then you can maybe start to breath a little. I know its hard! You deserve this so much and I will be counting down the days with you! About starting another blog, it was the not wanting to alienate other mommies that weren't pregnant yet that made me start the other blog. I put the address on Lily's blog and left it up to them if they wanted to read Cooper's blog.
ReplyDeleteUgh, my mom drives me crazy, too. I wish your mom was being supportive to you during this very stressful time. ((hugs))
Bree~ CONGRATS!! I will be lifting you in prayer for a safe and healthy and UNEVENTFUL pregnancy! I am sorry about the situation with your mom.. I think you are definitely doing the right thing by remaining calm(as possible) and uninvolved.. BIG HUGS!!!
ReplyDeleteBree, Congrats! I'm so very happy for you. I've been waiting for you to share your good news. Its very sweet of you to want to protect the other mom's that are still trying. Every rainbow baby gives me hope. I'm so sorry about your mom. I hope that she will come back to you. I wish I could tell you to relax and that everything will be okay. But I don't know if I will be able to do the same when my turn comes. Until then you and babe will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteBree - I'm so happy you finally decided to share the news. It will make a world of difference i'm sure knowing you have so many people behind you, walking this journey with you every step of the way. We are ALL here with you and for you.
ReplyDeleteLots of *hugs* on this exciting, yet scary new journey.
PS...I got the butterflies today, thank you SO much. They are beautiful. *hugs*
I am truly happy that you are expecting a baby and I pray that everything will be ok for your precious rainbow baby. I know it is a nervous time and I know I would feel the same. I don't know anything about TAC or TVC so I can't help you there but I do hope you can hear from people who have that experience.
ReplyDeleteI say go all the way with the ab cerclage. It's just not worth regretting it. Do all you can - you've already been thru so much...too much.
ReplyDeleteBree, I am so happy to hear this. I will be praying that all goes well at your appointment. I wish I had some words of advice about the other things you mention. But just know that there are so many out there thinking positive thoughts for you.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations, Bree!! I had a feeling this post was coming soon. I'm so happy for you. I'm praying for you and your new little one. I hope that everything is perfect at your ultrasound. Go with your gut on the cerclage. You don't want to second guess yourself later.
ReplyDeletePlease send your mailing address to april92399@yahoo.com today if possible. I have a gift for you and I am going to the post office today to mail out some others!
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy for you. Praying, thinking good thoughts, crossing my fingers and everything else that you have a great ultrasound and continue on to a healthy pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I'm commenting so late, Bree! I read this right when you posted and have been thinking about you but hadn't commented.
ReplyDeleteI am sending positive energy your way, my friend. I know you're worried, but congratulations!!!!!! I just can't help with the cerclage thing, but I know you'll make the right decision based on your gut.
I'm so sorry, too, about whatever is happening with your mom :( Having parents sick is one of the hardest things :( Hugs for you.
Please keep updating us.
Bree my email is not working ...perhaps teh server is down. Why are you so quiet? This doe snot suit you. Hugsssssssss. See you on wednesday.
ReplyDeleteBree, I am thinking about you and your new little one.......I hope all is well! Email me at Mekkist@gmail.com You won my giveaway!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your mother and her illness. That must be so hard! I know it's early and emotional but congrats on being pregnant. I know it won't be easy but just take it one day at a time. I hope I can be a cerclage success story that you can follow from beginning to end. I guess we'll know in a few weeks. There were also multiple ladies on my loss board that had a successful cerclage after a loss and they brought home healthy full term babies. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you in so many ways!!! Wishing you peace in your pregnancy!! I know that may feel impossible but I pray for it still- and as for your mom- I am so sorry- I am going through the same thing with my grandmother who I am very close to and it is so hard when she doesn't recognize me- it's hard when the people you know and love and no longer the people you know and love...
ReplyDeleteHugs-
L