feelings towards me. This is just something that's been weighing on my
heart (and my husband's for that matter) for the past couple of weeks.*
This week, this pregnancy crossed over into unchartered territory. I'm
officially more pregnant than I've ever been.
I love this baby. I want her here, alive in my arms. I feel so
torn. I can no longer say, "I'd give anything to have her back."
Because I wouldn't give up this baby for her. I love them both
equally. I want to feel the weight of both of them in my arms. I want
to press rewind and have Ella swirling around in my belly. Yet, I want
to hurry forward and have this one in my arms kicking and screaming. I
can't go back, so I march forward. I become a hysterical mess when I
allow myself to imagine birthing this baby and hearing her cry for the
first time. The happy tears then turn to sad tears as I realize that
is something I never experienced with Ella. Will all of the moments
with this baby be happy, sad moments? Right now, it feels like it.
Watching her cut a tooth, take her first steps, attend her first day
of school, meet her first love... All milestones I pray I experience
with Nora. And as I witness them, they'll be tinged with sadness. Sadness for what I missed out on (what she missed out on,
too) with my first born daughter.
Thank you to Gracie's mom, Monica for taking writing Ella's name at Lake Sacajawea in Washington. I will never tire of seeing her name. xoxo
Posts
Bree I totally get it. I am soon approaching that point in pregnancy that I never crossed with Jenna unfortunately. I am scared and everyday I feel those 'happy sad moments'. It is bittersweet, and at times ugly. It just is. I am sorry that any of us have to walk this line of joy and sorrow. Thinking of you. xx
ReplyDeleteBree, Im not sure how this could rub anyone the wrong way. Its just a worried mama expressing her feeling, and rightly so. Nora will be and is so loved! *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteI can definitely understand what you mean.. and agree, that I am not sure either how this could rub someone the wrong way..its just an honest post with honest feelings of worry/excitement..it makes sense..((hugs))
ReplyDeleteBree, praying your moments never lose sight of your Ella. Others may not understand, but I certainly do. One does not replace the other and our hearts long for all of our lost babies. So happy that you are at this point, and praying safety as you continue your journey, and freedom for your feelings!!
ReplyDeleteI think you explained it perfectly. Every milestone with Nora will be happy, but will be sad because you didn't get it with Ella. So glad you are marching forward...as hard as it is. Can't wait to see pics of Miss Nora screaming her lungs out! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThat definately should nto rub anyone the wrong way. though I have yet to experience my rainbow, I know that we will all be experiencing and feeling the same thing. You want your lost angel, but you want your new baby. those milestones will always remind you of your loss while you are estatic to experience them all at the same time.
ReplyDeletehugs
((HUG)) Something about what you said...that you couldn't say you would give ANYTHING to have Ella back...you wouldn't give Nora up for her. I hear you. I couldn't say that phrase either. I couldn't ever give up my other children for Simon and Alexander. I just simply wish they were here too. There's no replacing...and no exchanging. That's why when some people say I could have another baby I shudder inside. Because....it won't change anything....it would give me a sweet baby to love if I was lucky, but...I love ALL my babies. ALL of them.
ReplyDeleteOh, Bree....I echo the use of the word bittersweet (seems like the story of my life) that Franchesca used....Right after Matthew died, I wished I could come up with a better synonym for bittersweet because I used it ALL.THE.TIME....and I think we always will--life will be bittersweet--because as joyful and thrilled you are with sweet little Nora, it can't take away the sadness of your sweet Ella not being here too. I think it's just one more cruel aspect of losing your child that people don't realize--it almost feels WRONG to be happy again, and yet, it ISN'T wrong...and doesn't mean you love Ella any less.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers for you dear one!
Bree,
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to feel the way you do. I can tell you from having other children that their will be things that she does that will bring tears to yours eyes, but at the same time you will be so full of love and excitement for this new baby. I think the "1st's" will be the hardest, but after that it will not be easier but you will be able to cope better. I hope I make sense. I am thinking about you and I am so excited that you will get to meet your new sweet baby girl very soon.
((HUGS))
Oh dear Bree you have every right to have these feeling. I wish I could bring your precious Ella back to you so that you can have both of your girls with you.
ReplyDeleteI was a fool for even thinking that being pregnant again would make my grief not so profound, boy was I wrong.
*thinking of you always*
Congrats on getting a little farther along! I imagine that this is the way that all mom's with newly growing babies feel - all you can do is move forward.
ReplyDeleteBree, that makes perfect sense! I totally relate to this post. I've been thinking along those same lines so much lately as I get further along in this pregnancy. It is always so emotional to imagine giving birth, and experiencing all the amazing moments I didn't have with Eliana. I'm sure there will be many, many happy/sad moments, but no doubt there will be so much joy with our rainbow babies. I feel exactly the same way about wishing I could go back in time with Eliana, but press fast forward to get this little boy here safely! I think all of us experience these feelings with our rainbow babies.
ReplyDeleteSo glad things are going so well with Nora so far!
I can tell you that yes they are happy/sad moments...I can't tell you how many times I've been up with Coop in his nursery at 3 AM and thought "wow, I wish I could've done this with Lily..." Everything we do with the new babies will remind of us of what we missed with our angel babies...
ReplyDeleteBree, you are never far from my thoughts. I am sure there will be many sad and happy moments and probably many mixed with both emotions. Your love for both your girls is so strong and beautiful. xx
ReplyDeleteI think we all understand where you are. I know we all wish to have our little ones with us here. Yet the thrill that you are experiencing now with Nora is such a blessing. I am keeping you all close to my heart.
ReplyDeleteBree,
ReplyDeleteI think your thoughts are only natural. I will forever see Christian as my 1st baby and am sure I will feel all those things you are feeling now...Mommy's never forget their babies. It's a very conflicting place to be in, just navigate it as best you can.
HUGS & LOVE
((hugs)) Thinking of you and thinking of you as you get into uncharted territory with Nora.
ReplyDeleteI just remembered that I never emailed you to let you know I got the butterfly! Thank you! Its in the babies room, thank you again!
How are you doing? I hope that the infections have left you alone!
Bree, we're just so similar in so many regards - when I talk to Maddie or pray about "doing anything to have her back," I find myself tempering that to include having her AND the new baby. It's so hard to walk this tightrope between loss and hope - I'm sending you all my love.
ReplyDeleteYou are speaking the words that many of us feel, no need to explain yourself :) Your blog is your canvas, paint away :) Im with you xo Love, Nan xo
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how you must be feeling. *hugs* I don't think you'll rub anyone the wrong way! Those are true honest feelings i'd imagine that anyone pregnant with their rainbow would be feeling!! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou will never rub anyone the wrong way! What you are feeling is very real and I'm sure there are going to be a lot of bittersweet moments. I'm thinking of you a lot. XO
ReplyDeleteSo get what you are saying. The tug of emotions is constant and so they should be. Lovely photos!
ReplyDeleteDarling, it is absolutely okay that you feel that way! Bless your heart! You are an inspiration. I am just praying for all wonderful things to come your way and that your heartache will be a little soothed very soon.
ReplyDeleteI am blowing a little kiss to your sweet baby bump! xoxo
Oh Bree, of course you wouldn't give up one daughter for the other! I think what you have written completely makes sense but it must be so different to be feeling it - feeling the realization that you would no longer give up anything to have Ella back. It must be so difficult and please know that you are in my thoughts as you reconcile your feelings tied to both of your daughters.
ReplyDeleteProbably sadness will accompany happiness over Nora's firsts, but the happiness will still be there as well, and that will be beautiful.
Bree you word this perfectly.
ReplyDeleteMy thought are with you. Congrats on being the most pregnant ever.
By the way... love the name Nora and Ella, you have great name taste!
Dearest Bree, I know those feelings - I have had them myself. You love Nora and want her here safe and sound, and you love and will never forget Ella. I wish I could calm your heart for you.You are on my mind so much - wishing you peace as you continue this journey.
ReplyDeleteBlessings, Sarita
sboyette@tx.rr.com
Oh Bree, I can only imagine what this must feel like. I get it in the sense that I know I will feel the same way. Thinking of you often!
ReplyDeleteI so, so, so totally get this, Bree. I am so sorry that we both have to get this. It's so hard to have this sadness along with hope. Terror and happiness. It's' amazing to feel so many opposite emotions at the exact same time.
ReplyDeleteI'm here with you every step of the way.
I am so sorry I am so far behind on my blogs *huge hugs* I believe that at this point comes a huge mix of emotions. Please know I am praying and thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand, Bree.
ReplyDelete*hug*
You are in my thoughts and prayers...you and your girls.
Thank you for all your support on my situation, too. I really appreciate your friendship.
It would be hard not to think of Ella when you see Nora. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you Bree. In the beginning I would have traded this pregnancy to have my girls back. I was so disconnected and afraid to love the one I am carrying. I felt like I was betraying my girls. Now that I am 26 weeks :) I can no longer say that. I want them all...as crazy as my life would be, I would do just about anything to have them all here with me.
ReplyDeleteP.S. LOVE your new look!! xx