I miss writing here. However, I don't really know what to say anymore. I still miss her. I am still grieving. But, I don't have anything new to express. I don't want to sound like a broken record. I also don't want to sound ungrateful. I am so fortunate to have such a beautiful baby in my arms, I should be focusing all of my efforts on her, right? I also don't want to talk about Nora too much. That's what her blog is for (and to be honest, I rarely write there, either).
Ella's due date passed once again last month. I read some of my past entries that day. I hadn't realized how far I have come. I still don't know how I made it through her death... How I made it through birthing her knowing she was going to die... The returning home with nothing but a damn memory box... The trying to get pregnant... The anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy... Actually, I do know how I made it through. I'd say it is because of most of you! It is all a blur, really. I still can't believe I'm sitting here today with Nora in my arms.
Another LBM asked me if having a rainbow baby makes the days bearable again. My answer was, of course. When someone asks me how I am doing, I say, wonderful. And, I actually mean it. However, I still yearn for Ella and think about her a lot. I think Nora looks a lot like her. DH and I talk a lot about what we missed out on with Ella. Or what it would have been like to have an 18 month old and a 2 month old.
One of the things no one ever told me (and I guess I needed to discover it for myself) is that I am allowed to still think that being a mother to a living baby is hard. I am allowed to feel overwhelmed and frustrated at times. I assumed I'd embrace every sleepless night, every colic episode... And, don't get me wrong, I do. But, there are moments where I am in tears because I am just so tired. I never thought I'd hand over my baby because I needed a break. But, for once I guess I am just a "normal" "new" mom.
I owe so much to Ella. She made me into an entirely different person. I have made so many amazing friends along this journey. I have learned to cherish every minute I have with my loved ones, especially Nora. I love you, sweet baby.
Friday, August 6, 2010
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oh bree you are still allowed to get upset and frustrated. I tell myself IM going to appreciate every cry and scream and will NEVER want anyone else to have to wake up with baby and I will love doing it. which I know I will appreciate it all and love it all, but I know I will also need a break and that I will get frustrated as well. ive never taken care of a newborn so I know ill get those times too.
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Bree, this is such a sweet post in many ways. I too am a entirely different person. I think our babies have made us realize so much that we never knew. They make us appreciate life more. Glad to hear from you on here and look forward to reading Nora's blog. xo
ReplyDeleteI am so, so glad that you are being gentle with yourself, though, and acknowledging that being a mom is hard--whether your child lives or is dead, being a parent is HARD! You are absolutely entitled to feel the same frustrations and worries and exhaustion you would have felt had Ella lived and you knew nothing but the ignorant bliss of 'every baby comes home.'
ReplyDeleteLike you said, the difference is that you've had a precious little girl come into your life and let you know that through all that exhaustion, frustration and 'normal' momhood moments, life is precious, no matter how brief, and you can cherish every moment that you have with Ella's sweet little sister.
XOXOXO
I would be lying if I say that I am looking forward to the sleepless nights, the screaming and crying (both baby and me, LOL). I am so dreading that part of it. But, I can't wait to hold this precious child. You are definitely right. You have the right.
ReplyDeleteJust sending you love as you remember Ella and embrace beautiful Nora. What a strange thing to have to do, it shouldn't be that way, but it is and you are navigating it beautifully! Nora is a doll and I'm sure Ella is enjoying watching you be "wonderful"!!!
ReplyDeleteUmm... yes to it all. I completely get the 'not wanting to sound like a broken record'. I LOVE how you said that you are allowed to think mothering a living child is hard. This has been especially hard for me because I always feel guilty about this! It helped me so much to read this post, truly beautiful.
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Of course you are allowed to still think mothering a living child is hard! I think it is great that you have come to that conclusion. I really love reading posts like this, because I wonder so often what it will be like after having Liam.
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) to you
I understand completely when you say you don't want to keep repeating yourself. Ella will never be far from you even though you don't speak of her as much. At some point in life we just learn to live that way, we have to. I am so happy for you that you have Nora to hold in your arms now. Being a mom to a real live baby is so easy task. Just last night I was talking to my DH about that. I am so scared because I know I am looking forward to someday having a rainbow baby to hold but I know exactly what comes with that since I have Julian, the sleepness nights, the moments where you just feel so overwhelmed. It scares me but I have to look up too! You are an amazing mommy and I admire you so much. Ella and Nora are so lucky to have you as there mommy! ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteOh Bree,
ReplyDeleteHoney its okay to move forward with Norah and experience sleep deprivation and all the changes a new baby brings. Don't ever feel for one second that you can't say "I'm tired, I need a break", its normal...all so normal and I'm glad you are going easy on yourself :)
As for Ella, she has touched so many lives Bree, as has her Mother. Her beautiful legacy lives on through you and all the wonderful expressions of thoughtfulness that you have shared with us. When I look at Christian's beautiful butterfly I think of Ella and her Mommy who reached out to soothe my heart. Our babies are doing amazing things Bree! Through them, we realize our richest blessings.
I'm happy that your arms are once again full...may happiness continue to follow you always :)
Much Love
Andrea
I am sending all three of you ladies love and hugs. I totally understand and sympathize with this - I nodded and cried through the whole thing. You're not alone, Bree, ever - you've got us, Ella, and Nora. Hugs.
ReplyDelete*huge hugs* I haven't written in Jonathan's blog because I haven't had anything new to say....I don't miss him any less, but don't want to be that broken record. Ella knows you love her.
ReplyDeleteI think that's why I don't write my feelings as much as I used to. It seems I've said everything already. And you are def allowed to have those frustrations!!
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