Thank you, Micah's Mom!
Thank you, Gabriel's Mom!
Thank you, Lily's Mom!
September 15th marked 18 months since I first held her. I know it's cliche and everyone says it, but it feels like just yesterday. At the same time, when I look at Nora and see how far I've come, it feels like a whole other lifetime. Memories of her flood my mind several times a day. I've been thinking about the fact that she was born still, a lot lately. A large part of me wishes she were born alive. Then she could have had birth certificate instead of a death certificate. I could have held her and comforted her while she died. I wonder if she was in pain as she passed. The idea of that kills me.
I still love to see her name in writing. I still write her name on my shower door every morning. :) Thank you to these lovely ladies for remembering Ella with me.
I wish I wrote here more. I actually have several posts stewing in my head right now. But, I find myself writing on Nora's blog if I ever have the time. I feel like Nora is growing so quickly and I don't want to forget a moment of her life. I am scared that something will happen to me and that she won't have these memories preserved for her when she's older. I tell myself that Ella's blog can wait. It's not going anywhere. Of course that leaves me feeling very guilty.
As I was writing this post this morning, a friend (a real life one, yes I have a few) phoned and shared with me that she had been present at a friend's birth this week. Sadly, this friend's baby did not make it. I don't feel comfortable sharing any details, really. It's not my story to tell. But, even though it's incredibly sad, it felt so wonderful to be share some information that I thought would be helpful. After Ella died I was desperate to find a way for her life to have meaning. So today, I felt that. I am very grateful for all that Ella has taught me.
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I completely understand Bree on so many levels. it's been 20 months since I have lost Lia Rose and I still can't believe it. JP is now 7 months (tomorrow)and it's hard to imagine life without him now. You will remember Ella in your way, but don't feel guilty. I am sure she wants you to live life!!!
ReplyDeleteI also understand about being able to give some words of wisdom. I had some do that for me who had a similar situation to mine and I was able to help someone else. Pay it forward I suppose.
Bree,
ReplyDeleteMoving forward is hard...do we ever realy fully move forward? I would like to think that we do, eventualy, one day, but today I just can't convince myself of it. I love that you still write Ella's name on your shower door each day...so sweet. And, yes, your little girl has taught so many of us so very much. Here life HAS meaning and it always will.
Today, we celebrate Ella, tomorrow, we celebrate Ella and we always will.
xoxo
I too am grateful for everything Ella has taught you! x <3 o You are a wonderful mama!
ReplyDeleteBree,
ReplyDeleteThank you for Micah's butterfly. I love it! You are so very welcome for Ella's blade of grass. I am glad you like it. My heart breaks yet again as I read your post. I think that you were comforting Ella as she passed. She could feel your warmth, she could hear your heartbeat, she could hear your voice and she could feel your love. I don't think she felt any pain. I think she was just gently rocked to sleep in her loving mother's womb. I do understand what you mean though. I understand wanting to hold your baby in your arms and comfort her for even just one moment before she left this Earth. I am so sorry that you didn't get that chance. Please don't feel guilty for not updating Ella's blog. I promise you that she knows that you love her. I am celebrating Ella with you today, tomorrow and always.
Love,
Mary
Micah's Mommy
I love all the pics
ReplyDeleteI'm grateful too for the same reason as you.
Love you, Bree. Write on here when you can-it's here when you need it :) I am so sorry that Ella was born still. I actually don't think I knew that-I so wish she would have been alive on the outside for you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you
We all understand Bree.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to your friend and your friend's friend.
xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you could be of help, but at the same time that is wonderful you were able to help another momma in need. I love that you write her name every morning! :)
ReplyDeleteIt really is amazing how true it is that the new baby is an "addition" to your life but in no way a replacement for what you've lost. In that sense, I can say that since I have two "live" children, I feel that I can now only give each of them 50% of me whereas I used to be able to give Kaelyn 100%. So it only makes sense that you feel split between Nora and Ella. You have two. You are split between them just as if they were both alive here with you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that some of your thoughts of Ella will really haunt you for the rest of your life. We really don't know what goes on in the womb. I hope that she did not feel pain. And I guess we really can only hope.