Three

She would have been three on Thursday. Three. Three whole years since I held her in my arms. When I say, "three" out loud, it sounds like an eternity. It doesn't feel that way though, it feels like yesterday. The days leading up to her birthday were awful. No gifts to open. No party to plan. No little lady to love on... But, still it was necessary to plan a celebration.

I was glad to keep busy on her actual birthday. Looks like we have started a tradition of driving up the coast that day. We reminisced about Ella's pregnancy, the day she was born, how beautiful and perfect she was.









We ended up in Santa Barbara. We walked on the beach, had a beautiful lunch at Trattoria Mollie, visited the Mission there, and watched the sunset. I felt so grateful to have Nora here to make me smile that day (well, everyday). Nora said, "Birthday Ella" and "More Ella cake." We took Ella's ashes with us and Nora kept asking to hold "Ella's rock." I don't know how a nearly two year old "gets it," but she just seems to love and adore her sister.






We light a candle for Ella and for my dad inside the Mission.


Even though we've had a very warm winter, it was actually a bit chilly that day, so we ate our Ella cake in the car.


We like to do something good in Ella's name each year.A few months ago, I decided I wanted to cut off a large chunk of my hair and donate it to Lock.s Of Lov.e for Ella's Birthday. I actually chopped it a few weeks ago, but I waited until the 15th to mail it off. I loved being able to stamp Ella's footprints on the envelope.




I am lucky. I still grieve for Ella. I still have so many regrets. Still have hard days. I have many scars. But, I am blessed. I smile. I laugh. I do not feel guilty for those things anymore. I am fortunate to have one perfect child to share my life with. I have many beautiful friends who celebrate Ella with me, too. Thank you to all of my sweet friends who continue to send cards and reach out to us year after year.

Happy Birthday to my sweet first born. xo Ella xo