Comanche and Julius

Husband and I like to play this game... We close our eyes and open this book. The name we are pointing to when we open our eyes, will be our next baby's name. It's a fun game- good for lots of giggles. We played it often when I was pregnant with Ella. Last night's names were... Comanche and Julius. Nice. I did dream I had twin boys.

Half A Year

It's been six months since I birthed and held my darling daughter.

Six months since I said goodbye.

Half of a year feels like such a large amount of time. Yet, it still feels like I lost her just days ago.

I still can't believe it happened. I still replay the event in my head over and over again everyday.

I still wish things turned out differently.

I still think about all of the things I should be doing had Ella come home with us. You know... like buying her first Halloween costume and getting ready for fall and the holidays.

My heart still drops every time I pass a pregnant woman or a mom with a stroller.

I still very much want to tell EVERYBODY I meet that I am a mother too.

I still have not hung out with any of my friends who are currently pregnant or have new babies.

I've progressed in some ways since March. I don't sit around on the couch numb for days on end. I'm working now. I've been subbing quite a bit. And, I just got a new job teaching two days a week at a school near my home. I'm working as a math intervention teacher, so I'm working with small groups of children. It really is a dream job. I'm grateful for the opportunity. I am able to smile and act professionally. But, still, in the back of my mind, I know that I shouldn't be there. I should be home with Ella.

A Crappy Questionnaire. And, The Results Are In...

Number of pregnancies: 1 (wait... does the chemical pregnancy count? should i write two?)

Number of living children: 0 (crappy questionnaire. thanks for the reminder.)

Cycle Day 3 Blood Test Results:
My LH level is two times my FSH level. According to my doctor, my LH level would be at least three times my FSH level if I had true PCOS. But, I am borderline. (However, I read on the internet that anything over a 1:1 ratio, is PCOS). She doesn't think any medication other than Clomid is necessary. My sister is currently doing a low-glycemic diet to manage her PCOS. I'm jumping on that bandwagon as well. Can't hurt! Bye bye cupcakes. :( All other hormones are within "normal" range.

Blog Assistance

UPDATE: Thanks, Ladies. I'm all good now. Blogs showed back up the next day. Whew. Thank goodness. :)

My google reader is empty. All of my blogs (and there are too many to admit) are missing. I thought maybe it was a temporary glitch, but it's been like that all day. Does anyone know how to fix this?

i was supposed to have a baby and all i got was this lousy watermelon

Husband brought home this adorable little watermelon last night. I immediately stuck the darn thing up my shirt and pretended I had a bun (I mean melon) in the oven. I then had the idea to dress this little guy up. Of course, it was good for some shits and giggles, but it also served as a reminder of how sad and depressing this whole process is. Ella should be home with us, but she's not. All I have is this damn watermelon that looks like a little darling baby. My heart is broken and my arms are empty.

Someone in my real life is expecting her first baby any day now. I've been freaking out about it for the past couple of days. I do not want to know if she's had the baby. I do not want to know whether it was a boy or girl. I do not want to know its' name. I am choosing to pretend like the whole thing isn't happening. But, I am afraid that when I go out, I'll run into her or someone who knows her who will deliver the news that she's had the baby. I fear that there will be an email in my inbox with the news. Of course, I feel like a bitch for feeling this way, but I'm also giving myself permission to be angry and bitter and pissed off. I prayed and prayed that I'd be pregnant by the time she had her baby so that I'd at least feel a bit better. But, I'm not.

I'm agonizing over what to do this next cycle. I'm getting ready to start Provera to induce a period since I didn't ovulate this past month. My Clearblue monitor said I ovulated, I felt like I ovulated, but a blood test proved otherwise. I'm going to have all of my hormone levels checked on cycle day 3. Then, I have to make up my mind if I'm going to try a larger dose of Clomid. I'm so desperate to be pregnant and know that if I'm not ovulating, then I don't even have a chance to fulfill that dream. I also like that when I'm on Clomid, my cycles are monitored very closely and I'll know if I'm going to ovulate or not. On the other hand, I really want to figure out the cause of the anovulation. I hate putting that crap in my body, especially if it's not doing anything. Sigh...

23 weeks 3 days

Dear Sweet Baby,

Today we have been without you 23 weeks 3 days- the length of time you were with us. Our hearts are still so broken. Everyday we dream about what our life would have been like had you come home with us. We miss you. We love you.

*Thanks to Ashley at Babies in the Sky for this picture.

Seriously?

The Duggars Expecting Their 19th Child!

I loathe the universe! Why does this women have the privilege of bearing so many children, when so many women struggle with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss? Seriously...