Sinking

I try not to think about the things that make me sad for fear that I'll fall into a deep depression. But, once in a while, these feelings consume me and I start to feel as if I'm suffocating.

I hate where I live. I miss San Diego so much. I miss my old apartment, my friends, my blm support network, the ease of getting around... I feel so guilty for having these feelings. DH is working hard, long hours and I know there is a lot of pressure on him, as he is the sole breadwinner now. And, I live in a gorgeous apartment that is costing us a ton of money. But, I really hate it here. I really struggle with the idea of having to make our life here.
*If you know where I live, please don't mention the location in the comments. Thanks.

Nora is a horrible sleeper. Again, I feel terrible for saying that out loud. She is perfect and beautiful and healthy. And, I'm so fortunate to have a living baby here in my arms. But, 7.5 months of sleep deprivation is waring on me. On a good night, she wakes up at 1 and 4 am. But, most nights, she wakes every 1-2 hours. And, when she does sleep, I can't sleep because I'm a shitty sleeper myself. I spend her short nap times pumping because she's refused to nurse during the day since she was 3 months old. My blm friend Karen says they didn't use sleep deprivation as a medieval torture technique for nothing. She ain't lyin.

I don't have any help. And, I don't trust a "stranger" to watch her. My in laws live about an hour away, are in their seventies, and work part-time. They drive me nuts anyway. They spend each visit speculating as to why Nora is so fussy all the time. "She's hungry, she's tired... teething... her stomach hurts... maybe because you're breastfeeding...how long are you going to do that, again... don't you know such and such mom... don't put her on reflux meds... watch her... she shouldn't do that..."

I'm still angry at my mother. She's been trying to reach out to me and every time I hear from her, I carry a pit around in my stomach for week. I have no interest in a reconciliation which leaves me feeling guilty. But, she chose some dude she met at yoga over her children. She left me when I was grieving and beginning a difficult pregnancy. She allowed this dude (whom my siblings and I refer to as Satan) to email us about them being naked together and smoking pot on Christmas Day (my first Christmas without Ella).Nice, eh? I swear I don't make this stuff up. She allowed her fake lawyer friend to speak litigiously about us and send frivolous law suit threats our way. Again... all while I was grieving and constantly enduring the worry of losing another baby. She wasn't there when I was hospitalized, when Nora was hospitalized... She should be here sharing this little girl with me. She should be here to help out when I'm tired or need a break like most mothers do for their children.

And, most of all... I miss Ella. I still have moments where I forget that I have another baby. A dead baby. I can't shake the feelings I had the night I lost her. The days following her death...

Made With Love

Bryston


Carston


Micheal


Layla


Jakin


Ella Grace
March 4, 2010


Jett
January 10, 2009


Eli
January 10, 2009


Skylar Orr
August 27, 2009


Jocelyn Grace
September 29, 2010


Bella
July 30, 2009


Oscar
July 30, 2009


Tittle
January 2010


Ava
October 20-21, 2009

Ella's 2nd Christmas

Sweet Ella,
Your special ornaments are hung on the tree. A special gift for you sits under it. Dad and I chose a music box this year. It will sit next to your ashes. I hope when the music plays, you dance, sing, and laugh. I love you with all my heart and miss you more everyday. Merry Christmas, my sweet and special baby.
Mommy

A very special friend sent this book for Nora's first Christmas. As I was reading it to her this morning, I couldn't help feel like the words were being carried up to Ella.

Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You
By, Nancy Tillman

I wanted you more than you ever will know, so I sent you love to follow wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf. You'll never outgrow it... it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...climb up to the sky! My love will find you. My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb! My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...

if you're working...

or playing...

or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til you're dizzy...

paint 'til you're blue...

There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely, or someday you're sad, or you strike out at baseball or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair. That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass... in the smell of the sea... in the clouds floating by... at the top of a tree... in the sound crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and so deep, it's always right there, even when you're asleep.

So hold your head high and don't be afraid to march to the front of your own parade.

If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown, my promise to you is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling, my star.. and my love will find you, wherever you are.

You are loved.

<3 ella <3

Slacker

I have a ton of requests for butterflies. I feel horrible that I haven't even replied to most of the emails. I have a beautiful five month old baby. A beautiful, five month old baby, that is growing and changing before my eyes. She is "talking," laughing, rolling over, eating cereal... But, this beautiful, perfect baby detests sleep... never napping more than thirty minutes at a time and still waking 3-4 times each night. Needless to say, I am bone tired. But, I miss all of you. I opened my google reader for the first time in three weeks last night. I know I keep up with a lot of you on facebook, but I feel so disconnected from everyone. I am sorry if you have requested a butterfly. As soon as I can, I will be working on them again. I saw four butterflies today as I was driving. On the radio I heard the song, You are Not Alone by Micheal Jackson. For some reason, I thought of all of you. I am so thankful that I haven't had to endure my loss and this transition into mothering a living baby alone. I love you all! xo

Thank you, Micah's Mom!


Thank you, Gabriel's Mom!


Thank you, Lily's Mom!

September 15th marked 18 months since I first held her. I know it's cliche and everyone says it, but it feels like just yesterday. At the same time, when I look at Nora and see how far I've come, it feels like a whole other lifetime. Memories of her flood my mind several times a day. I've been thinking about the fact that she was born still, a lot lately. A large part of me wishes she were born alive. Then she could have had birth certificate instead of a death certificate. I could have held her and comforted her while she died. I wonder if she was in pain as she passed. The idea of that kills me.

I still love to see her name in writing. I still write her name on my shower door every morning. :) Thank you to these lovely ladies for remembering Ella with me.

I wish I wrote here more. I actually have several posts stewing in my head right now. But, I find myself writing on Nora's blog if I ever have the time. I feel like Nora is growing so quickly and I don't want to forget a moment of her life. I am scared that something will happen to me and that she won't have these memories preserved for her when she's older. I tell myself that Ella's blog can wait. It's not going anywhere. Of course that leaves me feeling very guilty.

As I was writing this post this morning, a friend (a real life one, yes I have a few) phoned and shared with me that she had been present at a friend's birth this week. Sadly, this friend's baby did not make it. I don't feel comfortable sharing any details, really. It's not my story to tell. But, even though it's incredibly sad, it felt so wonderful to be share some information that I thought would be helpful. After Ella died I was desperate to find a way for her life to have meaning. So today, I felt that. I am very grateful for all that Ella has taught me.

Rainbow Mama Lunch

When I started this blog, it became not only my place to honor and memorialize Ella, but a place to meet and support other baby loss moms. Last year, I had the pleasure of meeting Ada and Eleanor's mom, Beth in real life. Last week, I had the opportunity to have lunch with three other (and their rainbow babies) incredible women that I met through this blog. Nicolle, Rachel, Tiffany, and I had a wonderful time sharing and talking about ALL of our babies. Nicolle, Tiffany, and I all had our rainbows within a month of each other. I just love hanging out with other baby loss moms. Maybe it's because we've been sharing the intimate details of our lives for the past year and a half, but it's just easy. Easy to share about our losses and talk about our lost little ones.... We shared mom tips and ate some great food, too. I hope to meet more of you in the future.

Not Much To Say...

I miss writing here. However, I don't really know what to say anymore. I still miss her. I am still grieving. But, I don't have anything new to express. I don't want to sound like a broken record. I also don't want to sound ungrateful. I am so fortunate to have such a beautiful baby in my arms, I should be focusing all of my efforts on her, right? I also don't want to talk about Nora too much. That's what her blog is for (and to be honest, I rarely write there, either).

Ella's due date passed once again last month. I read some of my past entries that day. I hadn't realized how far I have come. I still don't know how I made it through her death... How I made it through birthing her knowing she was going to die... The returning home with nothing but a damn memory box... The trying to get pregnant... The anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy... Actually, I do know how I made it through. I'd say it is because of most of you! It is all a blur, really. I still can't believe I'm sitting here today with Nora in my arms.

Another LBM asked me if having a rainbow baby makes the days bearable again. My answer was, of course. When someone asks me how I am doing, I say, wonderful. And, I actually mean it. However, I still yearn for Ella and think about her a lot. I think Nora looks a lot like her. DH and I talk a lot about what we missed out on with Ella. Or what it would have been like to have an 18 month old and a 2 month old.

One of the things no one ever told me (and I guess I needed to discover it for myself) is that I am allowed to still think that being a mother to a living baby is hard. I am allowed to feel overwhelmed and frustrated at times. I assumed I'd embrace every sleepless night, every colic episode... And, don't get me wrong, I do. But, there are moments where I am in tears because I am just so tired. I never thought I'd hand over my baby because I needed a break. But, for once I guess I am just a "normal" "new" mom.

I owe so much to Ella. She made me into an entirely different person. I have made so many amazing friends along this journey. I have learned to cherish every minute I have with my loved ones, especially Nora. I love you, sweet baby.