Trying to Catch My Breath

I've really been struggling for breath lately. My anxiety must be at an all time high. It started a couple weeks ago when I found out that I am allegedly pregnant again. I say allegedly because I've yet to have it confirmed with an ultrasound. I have to wait another 11 days before my first doctor's appointment. If all goes well, I would be just two days shy of 8 weeks pregnant. I needed some time before sharing this information publicly for several reasons. For one, I'm not 100% sure that there is a new life growing inside of me. What if I have a blighted ovum or an ectopic pregnancy? What if I share this information and this baby dies? I do look for blood every time I go to the bathroom. And, how do you share this information without hurting other moms out there who are struggling to have their rainbow babies? So, I guess with all of this going on in my head, there just isn't an appropriate way to share this news.But today, I decided that I needed to get some things off my chest. I haven't decided whether I will chronicle this pregnancy here on Ella's blog or to start a new one. Maybe when I learn that this baby is for real, I'll be able to make a decision.

I've started to obsess about the whole cerclage thing. Recently, a fellow blogger emailed me to request two butterflies for her sweet babies. She shared her experiences with incompetent cervix with me and told me that she recently had a transabdominal cerclage (TAC) placed. I have this strong feeling that this is a sign from the universe that I should pursue a TAC again. This kind blogger sent me lots of information, including a list of doctors in California that perform them. After losing Ella, I asked my doctor about having a TAC placed and she acted like I was crazy. She swore to me that she had been doing transvaginal cerclages (TCV) for eighteen years and had never seen one fail. She has also stated that after I have my TVC, I can go right back to living my life without bedrest. I'm not so sure I'm sold on all of this. I've met several women who have lost due to IC and only a few of them had success with a TVC. Several lost two babies before having a TAC placed. Does any of this make sense? I'm sorry. My mind is racing a mile a minute. Is there anyone out there that can share a success story with a TVC?

In addition to just feeling panicked about pregnancy, I lost my mother this week. She is still physically here, but I have lost her emotionally to a mental illness. Because her mind is not right, she is refusing help. I've had to lay low and not get too involved in the whole situation because I want to stay calm and healthy. But, I'm very angry at her. And, I've had several sleepless nights thanks to her. I feel like I have no family left. If something happened to my husband, I'd be alone.

I am trying to meditate everyday to help calm my mind, but it just doesn't seem to be working. I wish there was a magic pill that would make all my anxieties disappear.

Over The Top Award

I was given an "Over The Top" award from Kristy at I Love You To The Moon And Back.
I am supposed to answer the following 30 questions, with just one word... Kristy, you're right, one word is hard. Thanks for the award!

1. Where is your cell phone? Nightstand
2. Your hair? Up- always up!
3. Your mother? Tenessee
4. Your father? In my heart
5. Your favorite food? Hmmmm.... french fries
6. Your dream last night? Don't recall
7. Your favorite drink? Iced Tea Sparkler
8. Your dream/goal? A living baby in my arms
9. What room are you in? Bedroom
10. Your hobby? Blogging
11. Your fear? Losing another baby
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? In my own home with babies
13. Where were you last night? In-In-Out Burger
14. Something that you aren't? Calm
15. Muffins? Pumpkin
16. Wish list item? Living baby (is that getting old, sorry.)
17. Where did you grow up? Southern California
18. Last thing you did? Watch Gilmore Girls
19. What are you wearing? Pajamas
20. Your TV? On - Girlmore Girls
21. Your pets? Cassidy (choc. lab) and Patches (calico cat)
22. Friends? A Few
23. Your life? Sad
24. Your mood? Anxious
25. Missing someone? My Dad and My Ella
26. Vehicle? Filthy
27. Something you’re not wearing? Underwear (ha)
28. Your favorite store? Nordstrom (though, I can rarely afford to shop there)
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? Can't remember
31. Last time you cried? Monday
32. Your best friend? Thoughtful
33. One place that I go to over and over? Trader Joes
34. One person who emails me regularly? Kathy
35. Favorite place to eat? Right now? Chipotle.

And of course I need to pass it on to other fellow bloggers. I'm not sure how many I am supposed to send it to, so I'm going to pass it on to all the bloggers who commented on my last post:

Franchesca at Handprints from Heaven

Jess at Peace Like a River

Jen at Lily's Mommy Forever

Jill at Footprints On Our Hearts

Nan at Remembering Our Triplet Angels

Nimoli at Aaajaa Akul

Holly at Caring for Carleigh

Lea at Nicholas' Touch

Heather at In This Storm

Karen at Busy Hands

Kathy at For Kathy's Girls

Wave of Light October 15th

Our children's lives are remembered and honored each and everyday. But, on October 15th, mommies all over the world lit candles in memory of their sweet babies. A couple of friends sent pictures of the candles they lit for Ella.


This is the one I lit.


Lit by my IRL friend, Amber. Can't believe she knows three people who've had late losses.


Lit by my IRL friend, Sadie.


Lit by another IRL friend, Sara.


From another IRl friend, Andrea.


Jonathan's mom, Jessica sent balloons up to our babies.

Ella's Collage

Thank you to Jenna Belle's mom, Franchesca for creating this beautiful collage for Ella. I am continually amazed at all the different things lost baby moms are doing to honor their sweet babies. You all are awesome!

Holidays

While shopping this weekend, husband and I came across some baby Halloween outfits and costumes. With heavy hearts, we looked through the outfits and tried to determine which one we would have put Ella in for Halloween. That's when the husband suggested we just buy the outfit that we would have bought. So, that's what we did. I chose this little footed onsie because I liked the pumpkin on the butt. I bought it in the size that Ella should have been had she been born in July. Right now it's hanging in the closet with all of her other outfits. I asked the husband if that meant that we could buy Ella some Christmas items as well. He said, of course.

A few weeks ago I decided that even though I don't want to do anything for the Christmas this year, I would like to decorate a tree with butterflies and white twinkle lights. I shared this idea with my friend Kate and she told me she was already thinking of doing the same thing. She immediately forwarded me the name of a site that sells beautiful butterflies for a reasonable price.
Right now, I'm trying to decide which colors I'd like to do. Pink and silver? Pink and white? What do you think?

The Butterfly

Thank you to Emily for this beautiful butterfly pic for Ella. This was a moving butterfly, so I know it took Emily many tries to get this picture perfect.

Thanks, Lea for sending me this beautiful poem. I plan on reading it tomorrow (unless I get shy) at my support group's annual memorial service. Lea, you are so thoughtful.

My Butterfly

I long to feel the soft weight of you
to welcome you home, with kisses
on silky round cheeks.
Instead my arms ache with the
weight of your absence,
the empty places that were meant for you
to grow into.
My love for you will last an eternity
My hopes and dreams now carried
on the fragile wings of each butterfly passing...

Let's Hear It

Okay, I wanna hear from those of you who have done hcg shots- specifically ovidrel, if you've used it. How long before the hcg left your system?

I took the ovidrel 250 mcg shot 10 days ago.