Happy, Sad Moments

*I hope this post doesn't rub anyone the wrong way or cause any ill
feelings towards me. This is just something that's been weighing on my
heart (and my husband's for that matter) for the past couple of weeks.*

This week, this pregnancy crossed over into unchartered territory. I'm
officially more pregnant than I've ever been.

I love this baby. I want her here, alive in my arms. I feel so
torn. I can no longer say, "I'd give anything to have her back."
Because I wouldn't give up this baby for her. I love them both
equally. I want to feel the weight of both of them in my arms. I want
to press rewind and have Ella swirling around in my belly. Yet, I want
to hurry forward and have this one in my arms kicking and screaming. I
can't go back, so I march forward. I become a hysterical mess when I
allow myself to imagine birthing this baby and hearing her cry for the
first time. The happy tears then turn to sad tears as I realize that
is something I never experienced with Ella. Will all of the moments
with this baby be happy, sad moments? Right now, it feels like it.
Watching her cut a tooth, take her first steps, attend her first day
of school, meet her first love... All milestones I pray I experience
with Nora. And as I witness them, they'll be tinged with sadness. Sadness for what I missed out on (what she missed out on,
too) with my first born daughter.





Thank you to Gracie's mom, Monica for taking writing Ella's name at Lake Sacajawea in Washington. I will never tire of seeing her name. xoxo

What She's Not

Ella is not my or this baby's guardian angel. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. It's not supposed to. Here's the thing. When I got pregnant with Ella, there were a few people who told me that Ella was a gift (she was/is) and that my father was watching over us. So, of course, after I lost her, I spent several weeks furious with my father.

Why didn't he watch over me?
Why didn't he protect her?
I just watched my father die, why did I have to watch her die, too?
Maybe he was mad at me for allowing him to die.
Maybe he took this baby from me...

I eventually learned to let these thoughts go and realized that my dad was probably right there with me as I lost her, sharing in my grief. But because of this experience, I know that I could never put that responsibility on Ella. Sure if everything works out, it would be easy to say that Ella guided this baby safely to us. But the fact is, it may not work out. And, I can't put that responsibility on my innocent baby. Do I get angry when others say that Ella is watching over Nora? No, not at all. What I do believe is that Ella is with us. And, that she wants her mother and father to have a living baby in their arms.

Happy Valentine's Day, Ella!

Just sharing the beautiful pictures I received this week. I am so blessed to have made so many wonderful friends here in the blogging world. Friends that think of my baby as often as I do. I love you all! Happy Valentine's Day! xoxo


Thank you to Lucas' and Thomas' mom, Kelly.


Thank you to Ciaran's mom, Bir for this beautiful Valentine.



This yummy treat was made by Bryston's and Peanut's mom, Jennifer. Thank you!


Thank you to Grace Willow's mom, Megan.



Thank you to Chaya's mom, Shannon.


Thank you to Kathlyn's mom, Beth.


Another great one from, Beth.

Belated Thank You's

Just wanted to publicly thank some wonderful ladies for these beautiful gifts. Knowing that someone is thinking of me and of Ella always makes my heart smile. :) I apologize for the crappy photography. My snapshots don't do these thoughtful gifts justice.


Thank you to Kathlyn's mom, Beth for these adorable soaps. We decided one cupcake is for Ella and one is for her sister. They smell like cupcakes, too. Yum!


Thank you to Meredith's mom, Sarita for sending this beautiful ornament. It arrived on Christmas eve. I love it so much, I didn't put it away with my usual Christmas stuff. It's hard to see, but Ella's name is engraved on the front and the heart is her birthstone, aquamarine.


Thank you to, Kelli for this beautiful "E" ornament. I have learned so much from you, Kelli. You are amazing!


This beauty arrived for Ella just in time for Christmas, too. I had the hardest time finding butterfly ornaments this year. This is just perfect. Thank you to Levi's mom, Rebekah. Rebekah is currently in the hospital with some pregnancy complications. If you can, stop by her blog and send her some love.


Thank you to Hannah's mom, Katy for this beautiful plaque. I just love the inscription,
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.
Before you were born, I set you apart."

And a shout out to Janessa's mom, Malory who created a button for Ella's Parade of Butterflies. You can see it to the right. Thank you so much, Malory!

The Good Ol' Days

I have many ideas for posts running through my head. But, I'll spare you my whining about my sore, bedrested bottom. This morning, my husband (Yes, he was actually up before noon. Again...) and I were reflecting on the last time we were truly happy (Yes, we do have moments of happiness now, but they are often a bit clouded by our grief). When coercing my husband to take this trip to Europe in 2007, I told him that we needed to do this or start having babies. I also mentioned that we were lucky because all four of our parents were still in good health and that we didn't have any responsibilities that were preventing us from going. Shortly upon return, his mother was diagnosed with cancer. And, then my father died and well, you know how the rest of the story goes. Hmmm... Intuition? This was truly a trip of a lifetime. And, I am so glad we went before everything went to shit.

We saw beautiful sights.


Prague


Venice


Bologna


Florence


Rome

Drank and ate way too much.


Tuscany


Bologna


Prague Beer Garden

And, ate gelato twice a day. If you've been to Italy in August, you understand why this was necessary.


Bologna


Tuscany

Ah, good times. I can't wait to go and see some more of the world. Hopefully, next time there will be an extra person in tow.

A Better Day

Thank you everyone for all of your love and support these past few days! Since I have my doctor's appointments on Tuesdays, I seem to be in good spirits Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. By Friday, my p17 shot starts to wear off, I get crampy, and then start to totally freak out. I usually spend my weekends totally convinced that I'm going to lose the baby. I'm still waiting for all the full test results to come back on my third infection. It seems my body hates the stitch.

The ultrasound today took almost an hour. I remember during Ella's big ultrasound, the only thing that mattered to me was knowing whether I was carrying a boy or a girl. I never thought that they baby's heart might not have all four chambers, that it might be missing a kidney (thanks for that reminder at 3am this morning, Jess), or only have a 2 vessel cord. This time, I asked a lot more questions and asked the tech to point out all of the these things to me. Of course, this little one's head was jammed right on my cervix- no wonder I've been experiencing some extra pain down there. It also made the task of measuring the length difficult for the poor tech. Despite all of the cramping and contractions I've been having, my cervix is still closed and is still hovering in the 3.3-3.6 range (which I guess is good for a transabominal measurement of someone with a short cervix). Luckily, I have another measurement on Thursday with my Peri.

I was happy that my doctor didn't walk me through the same steps as Ella's 20 week appointment. At Ella's, she gave me the paperwork for the hospital, a list of pediatrician's, and brochure to sign up for birthing classes. I'm so not ready for any of that. We did talk however, about where I'll deliver should I go into full labor before 28 weeks. We are so fortunate to have two top hospitals that have level 3 NICUs here in San Diego. Hopefully, I won't need either one of them, but it was good to get that plan into place. She did hook me up with some disability paperwork as tomorrow will be my last day of work for a while. As I mentioned before, she actually offered to put me off after the cerclage, but I elected to go back for a while. Working has been good for my spirit and I'm definitely going to miss that. But I also feel that if I lose this baby, I want to know I have done everything I should have done.

I had my husband take some pictures of me at the doctor's office today. The top picture is of me at Ella's 20 week ultrasound (God, it feels like that was such a short time ago) and the bottom one is of me today. I'm really quite fond of my little bump and can't wait for it to get even bigger.





On a different, but kind of related note, I have been receiving some really powerful signs from the universe that this baby is going to be okay. Just last night, a special blogger friend forwarded me the lyrics to a beautiful Norah Jones song. She didn't know it (and neither do most of you...), but this baby's name is... Nora. I had to download the song to my Ipod immediately and have listened to it a hundred times.

Here are the lyrics:
Lonestar where are you out tonight?
This feeling I'm trying to fight
It's dark and I think that I would give anything
For you to shine down on me

How far you are I just don't know
The distance I'm willing to go
I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky
Hoping for some kind of sign

Lonestar where are you out tonight?
This feeling I'm trying to fight
It's dark and I think that I would give anything
For you to shine down on me
For you to shine down on me

And, last weekend after eating Chinese food my fortune said,
"star light, star bright, your wish will come true tonight." And, as we drove home we saw a rainbow.

Just realized that both of these signs, involve light, which is the meaning of the name, Nora. :)

I guess that's it for now. I have received some very sweet Ella gifts in the past month and need to post on that, soon. My husband temporarily lost our camera on his recent trip to Atlanta. Thank goodness it's been recovered. :)

xoxo

Dying: Edited

I have my third infection in six weeks. I am waiting for the results of the culture to determine what my fifth round of antibiotics will be. This is some scary shit. My doctor said today, she won't treat contractions until 24 weeks. WTF? She treated me at 22 with Ella. Not that it worked. I feel like I'm just waiting around until I lose this baby. I hate this. I hate that I'm surrounded by so many people who have children or are on their way to having healthy, living babies. What have I done to deserve this?If I lose this baby, I don't want to live through it. There is no way I can hold my dead baby again, bury her, and go through life watching everyone else have babies. I just won't live that life. I won't.

**EDIT: I love and adore my OB. I do truly believe in her ability to get me through this. She takes my calls and answers my texts/emails nights and weekends. She even said she'd see me in her office everyday if I want/need to. She's the one that offerred to put me on disability at 16 weeks just to ease my mind. My peri said he'd treat contractions at 21-22 weeks. Hopefully, once I get these infections under control, I won't need any contraction medication. Can you tell I'm feeling a bit better now? Just have to make it to 10am tomorrow (my dr. appt).