Checking In

It's been too, too long since my last real post. I know. I guess I'm taking for granted that I communicate with a lot of you via facebook now. I wanted to first thank, Franchesca for my beautiful blog makeover. Ella's birthday is Monday, which means I've been writing here for almost a year. So, I'm calling this a birthday makeover. Please visit Franchesca at Small Bird Studio if you are in need of a new look.

I'm planning a post for Ella's birthday Monday. But, until then. Here's what I've been up to in snippets.

The Good:

I turned 30! Husband and I really splurged and had a fabulous dinner. It sure was fun eating such rich, delicious food while wearing stretchy pants. When I was pregnant with Ella, I threatened to never go back to wearing real pants. That is under consideration, again.



I'm 26 weeks pregnant today! I recently added a little pregnancy widget to my sidebar. This little fetus says I have 98 days to go! This pic is actually a week old. Just like my blogging, I've been slacking on my belly shots. Mostly because I go days without showering/dressing. Sorry for all the junk in the background. I wanted to take the picture next to Ella's cupcake. Need to learn how to edit photos.



I received the most adorable note from my 6 year old nephew.


- me with baby (and a conehead)- too cute!


"Aunt Bree, I can't wait to see your baby."

I am looking forward to honoring Ella this weekend. I plan on donating some feet/hand print kits to the hospital for their memory box program. Husband and I are going to make some delicious cupcakes and will release a few butterflies. More on that in Ella's birthday post.

The Bad:

It's March. I despise March! I lost Ella on 3/15 and my father on 3/18. I am desperate to get out of March with Nora still tucked safely inside me.

I've started to have more contractions. I had my first visit to labor and delivery Monday. It looks like my cervix is shortening and starting to funnel a bit. Thankfully, the stitch doesn't look like it's being compromised, yet. I was seeing my doctor weekly, but will go twice weekly for a while. If my cervix gets below 2.5cm, they will hospitalize me and start me on anti-contracting meds and steroids. I am still not at the point where I believe that I will bring Nora home. I wish I felt safe, but I'm not there yet.

A wonderful woman who I met through this blog after she lost her son last April, lost her rainbow baby on February 25th at almost 28 weeks pregnant. Please send love out into the universe for Erin and her sweet baby, Allyson.

This is all too much. A dead father. A dead baby. Two impending anniversaries. A high risk pregnancy. It's a too much. Today is a day where I feel like I'm drowning.

Happy, Sad Moments

*I hope this post doesn't rub anyone the wrong way or cause any ill
feelings towards me. This is just something that's been weighing on my
heart (and my husband's for that matter) for the past couple of weeks.*

This week, this pregnancy crossed over into unchartered territory. I'm
officially more pregnant than I've ever been.

I love this baby. I want her here, alive in my arms. I feel so
torn. I can no longer say, "I'd give anything to have her back."
Because I wouldn't give up this baby for her. I love them both
equally. I want to feel the weight of both of them in my arms. I want
to press rewind and have Ella swirling around in my belly. Yet, I want
to hurry forward and have this one in my arms kicking and screaming. I
can't go back, so I march forward. I become a hysterical mess when I
allow myself to imagine birthing this baby and hearing her cry for the
first time. The happy tears then turn to sad tears as I realize that
is something I never experienced with Ella. Will all of the moments
with this baby be happy, sad moments? Right now, it feels like it.
Watching her cut a tooth, take her first steps, attend her first day
of school, meet her first love... All milestones I pray I experience
with Nora. And as I witness them, they'll be tinged with sadness. Sadness for what I missed out on (what she missed out on,
too) with my first born daughter.





Thank you to Gracie's mom, Monica for taking writing Ella's name at Lake Sacajawea in Washington. I will never tire of seeing her name. xoxo

What She's Not

Ella is not my or this baby's guardian angel. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. It's not supposed to. Here's the thing. When I got pregnant with Ella, there were a few people who told me that Ella was a gift (she was/is) and that my father was watching over us. So, of course, after I lost her, I spent several weeks furious with my father.

Why didn't he watch over me?
Why didn't he protect her?
I just watched my father die, why did I have to watch her die, too?
Maybe he was mad at me for allowing him to die.
Maybe he took this baby from me...

I eventually learned to let these thoughts go and realized that my dad was probably right there with me as I lost her, sharing in my grief. But because of this experience, I know that I could never put that responsibility on Ella. Sure if everything works out, it would be easy to say that Ella guided this baby safely to us. But the fact is, it may not work out. And, I can't put that responsibility on my innocent baby. Do I get angry when others say that Ella is watching over Nora? No, not at all. What I do believe is that Ella is with us. And, that she wants her mother and father to have a living baby in their arms.

Happy Valentine's Day, Ella!

Just sharing the beautiful pictures I received this week. I am so blessed to have made so many wonderful friends here in the blogging world. Friends that think of my baby as often as I do. I love you all! Happy Valentine's Day! xoxo


Thank you to Lucas' and Thomas' mom, Kelly.


Thank you to Ciaran's mom, Bir for this beautiful Valentine.



This yummy treat was made by Bryston's and Peanut's mom, Jennifer. Thank you!


Thank you to Grace Willow's mom, Megan.



Thank you to Chaya's mom, Shannon.


Thank you to Kathlyn's mom, Beth.


Another great one from, Beth.

Belated Thank You's

Just wanted to publicly thank some wonderful ladies for these beautiful gifts. Knowing that someone is thinking of me and of Ella always makes my heart smile. :) I apologize for the crappy photography. My snapshots don't do these thoughtful gifts justice.


Thank you to Kathlyn's mom, Beth for these adorable soaps. We decided one cupcake is for Ella and one is for her sister. They smell like cupcakes, too. Yum!


Thank you to Meredith's mom, Sarita for sending this beautiful ornament. It arrived on Christmas eve. I love it so much, I didn't put it away with my usual Christmas stuff. It's hard to see, but Ella's name is engraved on the front and the heart is her birthstone, aquamarine.


Thank you to, Kelli for this beautiful "E" ornament. I have learned so much from you, Kelli. You are amazing!


This beauty arrived for Ella just in time for Christmas, too. I had the hardest time finding butterfly ornaments this year. This is just perfect. Thank you to Levi's mom, Rebekah. Rebekah is currently in the hospital with some pregnancy complications. If you can, stop by her blog and send her some love.


Thank you to Hannah's mom, Katy for this beautiful plaque. I just love the inscription,
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.
Before you were born, I set you apart."

And a shout out to Janessa's mom, Malory who created a button for Ella's Parade of Butterflies. You can see it to the right. Thank you so much, Malory!

The Good Ol' Days

I have many ideas for posts running through my head. But, I'll spare you my whining about my sore, bedrested bottom. This morning, my husband (Yes, he was actually up before noon. Again...) and I were reflecting on the last time we were truly happy (Yes, we do have moments of happiness now, but they are often a bit clouded by our grief). When coercing my husband to take this trip to Europe in 2007, I told him that we needed to do this or start having babies. I also mentioned that we were lucky because all four of our parents were still in good health and that we didn't have any responsibilities that were preventing us from going. Shortly upon return, his mother was diagnosed with cancer. And, then my father died and well, you know how the rest of the story goes. Hmmm... Intuition? This was truly a trip of a lifetime. And, I am so glad we went before everything went to shit.

We saw beautiful sights.


Prague


Venice


Bologna


Florence


Rome

Drank and ate way too much.


Tuscany


Bologna


Prague Beer Garden

And, ate gelato twice a day. If you've been to Italy in August, you understand why this was necessary.


Bologna


Tuscany

Ah, good times. I can't wait to go and see some more of the world. Hopefully, next time there will be an extra person in tow.