Rambles

* Is this not the cutest Christmas ornament you've ever seen? I received this in the mail yesterday from Morgan and Blumpy's mom, April. She hand painted it for my Christmas tree. I'm actually excited now to put up a little tree so that I can display it. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness, April. Every week I seem to get a little trinket or card in the mail,a personal email, or a phone call from one of my blog buddies. You all are such a blessing and I'm so grateful for your friendship and support.

* A few of you commented on my last post and asked how my appointment went yesterday. Again, I still don't know how I feel about sharing this information on this blog. Yet, I want you to be able to share in this pregnancy if you want to. I so desperately want to be happy and embrace every moment of this journey, but it's just hard. I told myself that I want to document everything just in case I lose this one too. But, I just haven't had the energy (mental or physical) to do so. It's really hard to wrap my brain around the fact that this pregnancy could lead to an actual living baby. I wish I was still ignorant and I didn't have to think about losing this baby each and every day.

The appointment went very well. My poor doctor was running about 45 minutes late because she had to care for a patient that was having a miscarriage. I think I was the only one in the waiting room that was okay with having to wait an hour to see her. All of the other preggys were quite upset and harassing the women at the front desks. Anyway, the baby measured 7 weeks 6 days and it's heartbeat was 162 bpm. My doctor is estimating my due date to by June 18, 2009, only about three weeks before Ella's due date. I loved seeing the baby on the monitor. I fell in love with the little one instantly. I thought it looked like a gummy bear (well, actually a sour patch kid, but that doesn't sound as cute). But, my husband has started calling it, jelly bean or JB. My next appointment is November 19th, my dad's birthday. On that day last year, I had an appointment for Ella. I guess it's the universes way of trying to keep me busy and send me something good on my dad's day.

* I'm thinking about breaking up with my therapist. I really like her, but just don't have the energy to go in and keep hashing out what happened every week. Even with my new found joy, I am still pretty depressed. I don't really socialize with anyone other than one of my support group buddies. I sit around the house for days on end. And, I'm okay with that. I don't feel ready to do much else. Does that make sense?

* I haven't talked to my mom in ten days. That's an all time record. The longest we've ever gone without talking has been two days. I'm not really sure what's going on with her. All I know is that I just don't have the patience to deal with her craziness. Especially because she's refusing help. Of course, I feel sad that I've lost the relationship I had with my mother. I feel sad for my siblings, for her grandchildren, and future grandchildren. But, the anger I feel towards her protects me from the sadness. I just feel done.