What Did I Get Myself Into?

It is midnight. I wish I had the energy to write about Ella's day. I'll have to catch you up tomorrow. Right now I'm freaking out. I am supposed to start teaching summer school in 2 days. How am I supposed to be patient with loads of kids when the smallest things set me off at home. How am I going to be around all those children knowing that I lost mine. I'm teaching 1st graders. They're so small and cute. Its not like I'm teaching teenagers. I'm going to see those little faces and just want to die. Everywhere I go, every child i see, I wonder if thats what Ellacwould have been like. And it pangs my heart. I don't know what to do. I'm ready to back out. I'm afraid to call and back out, but I'm afraid what might happen if I don't.

The Kindness of Bloggers

As you know, these past few days have been very gloomy for me. I really haven't been doing much. This afternoon, I drug myself and my dear dog to the mailbox. My spirits were immediately lifted when I removed a little package from the mailbox. It was from my friend, Erin. Erin is a lovely woman that came to my blog after losing her son, Luke in April. She hasn't started a blog yet, so she and I have been corresponding by email. The package included this beautiful soap, butterfly stickers, and a kind note.

I am so grateful for the support you all have given me. Your comments lift my spirits. Your gestures warm my heart. I know I'm in good company here. Thank you for sharing your stories with me, for your compassion, and for your strength.

LMAO

Do you need something to make you smile? Would you like to laugh your a#@ off? Check out this video of Dancing Roller Babies. Thanks, Bir for sharing this video! Her post brought many smiles and giggles this evening.

Raising Awareness

I had a horrible experience with an insensitive doctor yesterday. I went to see my general practioner because I wanted her to know about my loss and have it in my records. I gave her a brief overview of the pregnancy and what happened. Here is how part of the conversation went.

Doctor: I'm sorry, but you must be done grieving by now seeing how you lost the baby in March.

Me: (shocked) Well, no. Actually, it's only been 3.5 months and I still have very dark days.

Doctor: Yeah, but it's not like you lost a three year old.

Me: (ummm- did she lose a three year old?) There is never a good time to lose your child. And, I'm quite distraught over the fact that I never got to see my daughter alive. I know nothing about the person she was. (crying)

I left the appointment feeling furious. I came straight home and sent an email to my OB telling her how much I love and appreciate her. For me, this experience was just a reminder that it is up to me and other baby lost mamas to educate the general public about pregnancy loss. We can look at it as another burden we have to bear or we can choose to educate others in honor of our lost children.

Coincidentally, I received an email this morning from a friend who sent these two articles that were published in The Washington Post yesterday:

Handling the Tragedy and Raising Awareness

Even Doctors Avoid Talking About Stillbirth

I decided to send these articles off to most of my friends and family (I refrained from sending it to my currently pregnant friends- even though I sort of wanted to). I sent it to people that have supported me, but I also sent it to the people who have let me down. Maybe they'll "get it," maybe they won't. But, at least I know, through all my grief, I am doing my part.

**Side note: Two butterflies crossed my path in the last few days. This has NOT happened before. But, I've been asking Ella to send me a sign that she is with me. So I know she sent these baby butterflies for me. Thanks, baby. I love you too! A little orange and black butterfly fluttered right past me when I was at the beach this weekend. Then on Monday, a white butterfly flew past me while I getting ready to take a walk with a friend.

Ella's Week

Late last night I decided that I was going to spend this week doing activities that honor Ella. There is a big part of me that wants to hole up in bed all week long. But, with these goals in mind, I think I can make the week bearable.

So my day started with one of these...

My most absolute favorite food group: cupcakes. No, they are not gluten-free nor organic, but I enjoy every bite of these heavenly cakes. Have any of you out there tried Sprinkles cupcakes?


I made four new butterflies this morning. I've had a lot of new moms come to my blog, so I've got a lot of new butterfly babies to think about. Please check back this week to see the new pictures. I'd love to be able to send your butterfly to you. If you'd like to receive it, please email your address to briannemeg@yahoo.com.


I hope to finish up the baby blanket I've been working on and ship it off to Rebekah at Levi's Hope For Tomorrow.



I plan on delivering my first set of hats to hospital where Ella was born. Huh, I just realized the irony behind that statement. I am delivery hats instead of a baby this week.

I've also added a reading list to the right hand column of the blog. I've been trying to find a way to share the books that I've been reading with you all. And, shelfari was the answer. Most of the books focus on loss and infertlity, but there are a few fun, frivaleous titles sprinkled in as well. Let me know if you have read any of these books too. I'd love to hear about what you've been reading.


Thought you all would like to see where I found my darling cat, Patches this week.


I'll end this post on a silly note. What do you do when you're down and depressed and your husband has left his underwear lying around the house for the zillionth time???

Why I Am So Angry

We just got back from two lovely days at the beach. I enjoyed my time very much and was able to move forward from yesterday's incidents. Honestly, I felt much better after blogging about it. But, I did feel bad for being so abrupt. I didn't have internet access at the beach, so I've had two days to think about what I wrote yesterday.

After reading everyone's comments, I know I don't need to explain why I am so angry. But, I want to.

My world did not shatter when I last Ella. My world had already shattered almost one year to the day I lost Ella when I lost my dad. I was close with my dad. He and I talked on the phone everyday. I could call him and share good news with him and he would share in my happiness. I could complain about something that happened at work and he'd listen me vent. He was so proud of me. He always introduced me as his baby daughter and would tell people that I was a teacher. He would tell them that I was married to a good guy and would brag about the fact that my husband was working on his PhD. My dad was the kind of guy that would light up a room. He was always telling stories while people eagerly listened. He loved life. He wasn't ready to die. I guess I always intuitively knew that I would lose my dad at an early age. He didn't take very good care of himself- he was always a smoker and was all about butter on everything! But, knowing this still didn't make his death any easier. He was diagnosed with cancer in February and six weeks later, he died. I watched my dad go from being happy and self-sufficient to being totally dependent, hunched over in his chair, and hooked up to an oxygen machine. He needed round the clock care. I helped out a lot during this time and was so glad that I could be around to do that. It was so hard seeing my dad so sick, but I wouldn't have been anywhere else. But, the images of him struggling to breathe, the flashbacks of watching him die, still haunt me several times a day.

After my dad died, I still talked to him each day. I really felt his presence around me. I felt so confident that my dad was in heaven and that gave me a lot of comfort. I prayed a lot, to God, but also to my dad. A couple of months before I got pregnant, I prayed and asked for a baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I had such a strong feeling that my dad played a role in bringing us our baby. In the midst of all of the darkness, I was given something to feel hopeful about. So, losing our baby was just a huge slap in the face (to put it lightly). Why would God give me a baby, something to be hopeful for, and then take it away? All faith I had in my dad and in God has been taken away.

I don't usually play the "why" or the "what if" game. I just don't. What happened, happened. But, there were a few days that I was convinced that my dad took my baby from me because he was angry that I let him die. You see, my mom and I made the decision to let my dad go rather than putting him on a ventilator. We just wanted my dad to have peace. He was struggling so much. 99% of the time, I know we made the right decision. But, that 1% of doubt still kills me. Another time, I thought that maybe I had to lose Ella because my dad was lonely and needed someone to be with him.

My grief was only compounded when I lost my Ella. It is so unfair. I have friends who don't seem to appreciate what they have and complain to me about motherhood (yes, even after I lost Ella). I know there are people in this world that use drugs while they are pregnant and that there are people who verbally and physically abuse their children. Why is it that these types of people seem to have several children when there are so many women in the world hurting because they are unable to have children or they have lost a child? I just don't get it.

This week, Ella's due date week only exacerbates everything. I won't be bringing home my baby home from the hospital on Friday. I've already met my beautiful baby. I've already given her all the hugs and kisses I will ever give her. I won't get to watch her grow up. That's it, end of story. All of the memories I've ever had with my Ella have been made. There will be no new stories to tell.

I am so hurt and so traumatized.

Not A Pretty Post

I apologize. This is not a pretty post. But, hey it's my blog and I'll vent if I want to, right?

I woke up this morning so excited about the day. Husband and I are going to stay at the beach overnight. We plan to sit and watch the ocean, BBQ, and go to Sprinkles cupcakes- my favorite. I just took my dog out for a walk and noticed that someone had egged my car. Seriously? This has never happened to any of my property before. I know it is so stupid and I can just wash it off, but I feel so violated. Right now I am filled with rage. All of my anger about what has happened is back. I assume that one of the many teenagers in our neighborhood are guilty of said crime. I'd like to find that little f*&%@r, pin him down, kick in the balls, and then proceed to tell him about the hell I've been living in for the past three months.

Please indulge me, as I have one more thing to rant about. An old friend of mine, someone I see maybe once every two years, sent me an email telling me that she's coming to town this week and would like to get together. I responded and said, "sure, call me. I anticipate that this week is going to be difficult, as Ella's due date was Friday 7/10, but call me to see if I'm up to it." Her response was, "yeah, i guess it could be a difficult week depending on how you look at it." YOU GUESS? DEPENDING ON HOW I LOOK AT IT? Is she insinuating that I should be looking at this situation in a positive manner? Because there is NOTHING positive about what happened to me and my baby. This woman has lost her husband to cancer, so I thought she would be a little more sensitive with her words. Was she ready to be positive about her husband's death 3.5 months later? She never had any children, so maybe she doesn't understand this type of loss. Do people not understand that I gave birth to a fully formed child. I held her, named her, arranged for her body to be creamated, have her ashes on my night table? I am so over stupid people!