Mega Depressed

I feel more depressed than ever. The holidays are so painful with a broken heart. I am so angry. I feel like no one can say anything right (present company excluded). It doesn't make me feel better to know my daughter's an angel. Would you prefer if your daughter were one? I want my baby in my arms. That's all. Don't tell me everyone has their hard times and things will get better. Really? Everyone has held their non-breathing newborn baby in the arms. Really? No one gets it! How hard is it to send your condolences at Christmas time?

I am paralyzed with fear. I haven't left the house in days. Contractions at only 14 weeks? This can't be a good sign.

Sadness + Fear + Anger = Not Good

Need to Move.

I've got to get this blog moved! Anyone out there know how to move an entire blog to wordpress? I've got to be able to vent in a safe place about the woman formerly known as my mother. I've got to be able to share details about this baby without worrying she's reading. Sorry for spewing hate. Again....

Yesterday was a horrible day. I balled up on the couch and cried for hours. I miss E so much. I can't bear the thought of Christmas without her. I made my husband tell his family again, NO GIFTS! All of the gifts should have been for her this year. I cannot sit around and pretend to have Christmas without her. Tears were also shed over this baby. As hard as I'm trying, I really have no control over this one living or not. People in my real life don't understand this fear. It can so happen again. Pray, beg it won't. But, it can. And, if it does, it will be my body's fault.

The cherry on top was the extortion letter I received from my mother and her fawyer (fake ass lawyer). I started to have contractions immediately upon receipt. Her claims are false and she will never receive a dime of my $. I have been through so much. Now this, at the same time of carrying a very high risk pregnancy. I will NEVER forgive her. If you notice, I deleted my last post because I felt bad for saying I wished she had died instead of my dad. I take it back. I wish I would have left that post standing. She's endangering my pregnancy now.

Bumpy Ride & Ella's Nine Month Anniversary

I had my first post-cerclage scare last night. I guess I was prepared for this journey to be bumpy, but I hoped and still hope that this pregnancy would be different. Since the procedure, I've seen my doctor twice. I've been experiencing some cramping and bleeding. And, last night's ultrasound showed that I'm contracting (and, boy did I feel it too!). Each time I've gone to get checked out though, everything has looked okay. Baby still looks great. He's quite a mover and shaker. I don't remember Ella moving that much during her ultrasounds. But, maybe I just didn't know what I was looking at. My cervix and the stitch appear to still be alright too. My doctor expressed that she still feels really good about the outcome of this pregnancy, but feels like this is just going to be a long, difficult journey, that I will probably experience every symptom in the book. I asked if I could just move into her office or if it was possible to just perform a temporary lobotomy. Her response was that she would see me everyday if it helps. Tomorrow, I have my post-op appointment with my perinatologist. We are going to set up a plan for the next ten weeks or so. It is highly possible that because of my irritable uterus and bum cervix, I'll be going on bedrest soon. This morning I was thinking that I've been pregnant for almost 38 weeks (24 with Ella, 14 with Jelly Bean) and still worry that I'll have no (living) baby at the end of this. This pregnancy has been progressing very quickly. I can't believe that if I'm going to lose this baby due to IC, it could happen in the next four to eight weeks. I will never be ready to lose another baby, but four to eight weeks is just too soon. I want more time. I can't do this again. I just can't!

Yesterday, was the nine month anniversary of Ella's birth/death. My friend, Nimoli brought over the most adorable cupcake with Ella's name written on it in pink. I'll try to add the pictures here later.

My friend Kathy introduced me to the most adorable baby clothing website. When I saw this outfit, I wanted to buy it right away. This would have been the perfect Christmas outfit for Ella. I'm not a traditional, dressy type of girl. This is more my style and I know people would have gushed over Ella in this outfit!

Sucky Cervix Turned Super Cervix (Hopefully)

Thank you so much for your supportive words yesterday. We arrived at the hospital at 6 am to find out the surgery was being pushed til' noon (which was later pushed again til' 1), so I enjoyed reading all of your comments. We were settled comfortably into a private birthing suite. While I blogged and channel surfed, my husband enjoyed a 3 hour nap, poor guy didn't go to bed the night before.

When we arrived at L&D, we were greeted by the nurse who assisted with Ella's delivery. The nurse who placed her in my arms and told me how beautiful she was. Since it was near shift change, another nurse shortly took over. I knew her too. I really enjoyed being around these women. They talked about Ella at length with me and expressed how joyful they were to see us again. I loved that they knew our story and understood that I was feeling ultra anxious (I had 2 ultrasounds and heard the hb on the Doppler 3 times- loved that). I really enjoyed the TLC and even teased that I wouldn't have minded staying there til' June.

When the OR finally opened up, my nurse literally sprinted me down before another Emergency C section popped up. The actual surgery part was quite possibly the worst experience of my life (however, I'd endure that everyday if it resulted in a baby). I even remarked that it was more difficult than delivering a dead baby. The anesthesiologist must have poked me six times before he realized I needed more numbing meds. The pain was excruciating and I was wailing. I dislike feeling numb very much. I hated my EPI with Ella and I hated this even more. Another comment I made was that I hate the numbness so much, I may attempt natural childbirth (should I be lucky enough to reach that point). Next, my legs were placed into these giant ropes suspended from the ceiling. It was quite humiliating. I'm so glad my husband declined my doctor's invite to come in the OR. I was awake the entire time and practically hyperventalating on the table. I loved that my OB came to assist the perinatologist with the surgery, but I was so glad when it was over.

It took a few more hours for the meds to wear off. After no food or drink for 18 hours, I was treated to a delicious hospital sandwich. Not quite the meal I had been dreaming of all day long. But, at that point I would have eaten cardboard.

Finally, at 7:30 pm I was sent home. Once again I was wheeled out of L&D listening to the cries of other babies being born. Wheeled out empty armed, a bit sad, but happy to at least have one in my belly. We were both so tired. The husband slept til' 2 today. I've been lying in bed trying to keep my fear and anxieties over every little twinge at bay.

I guess now we just wait with hope that this does the trick and this baby stays put until June.

**This entire post was typed out on my I.Pod. Hope there aren't too many mistakes. :)

Going Back There

It's 3am. I'm headed back there in a about an hour. The place where I last felt her weight against my chest. Where I kissed her hands, stroked her lips, tugged at her perfectly formed ears. The place where my baby was rolled in and taken from inside a cabinet and handed over to me one last time. Her little body had already started to expire. Her skin darkened and she looked different from before. I can't have another baby that is placed inside a cabinet. I just can't! I want Ella. I want this one too.

Her First Christmas

Thank you Mackenzie's mom, Ashley for making Ella her first stocking.

Ella received her first Christmas gift this week. My sister made a donation in her name to the March of Dimes. Thank you, sister!

I made my donation to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I didn't use their services, but I know many people who did and the pictures I do have of Ella are a treasure. Because we love our pets and hoped Ella would too, my husband plans on making his donation to the local animal shelter where we adopted Cassidy three years ago.

Thinking of you all. Hope you are finding ways to get through the holidays. XOXO

Monday Night Snippets

Is it bad that I've asked my husband to disgard all Christmas cards this year? If you know me in real life, I love you, but just can't stomach cards this year. Number one, the one's I have received so far, are impersonal (I mean, it would be nice if people acknowledged that it's our first Christmas without Ella) and number two they have pictures of children on them. I should be sending out my first Ella holiday cards, too!

Anyone watch Desperate Housewives? I'm pretty sure Lynette is going to lose her twins next episode. In a way, I'm kind of happy that the media is going to portray such a loss. I just hope they do a good job with it. We'll see.