Ready

Since October 7th, not a day has gone by where I haven't worried that she's died. I am nearly 35 weeks pregnant and I still look for blood everytime I go to the bathroom. Why hasn't she kicked in a few hours? Why won't she respond to my pokes? Is she kicking too much (as was the case yesterday- where she was averaging 40 kicks in one hour... Yes, this warranted a late night trip to L&D)? Add in the frequent contractions and cramping that began at week 14 (last night's monitoring showed contractions every 7 minutes)... I could not fully anticipate nor could I ever put into the words the anxiety I've experienced these past eight and a half months. So with that, I'm going to make a bold statement...

I AM READY!

No, I don't mean that my house is in order and ready for baby. Because it's not and won't ever be since I've been on bedrest for God knows how long and the fact that we're moving here shortly. What I mean is, I AM READY FOR HER TO BE BORN! Yes, I know that's a strong statement to make at just 34 weeks, 4 days. And, I know that might warrant a hundred comments on the dangers of preterm births. But, there is not one blog I follow where a healthy baby died because it was born premature at nearly 35 weeks. But, give me a pen and paper and I can write the names of fifty women who's baby's died in their womb at 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, and 40+ weeks for unexplained reasons. If you do know of such a blog or have a strong opinion about what I'm saying here, do me a solid and refrain from sharing it with me. I already have enough to worry about. I want her out. Not because I'm uncomfortable or feel done with bedrest or this pregnancy. I want her out because I feel like my body is sucky and is going to be the demise of her.

My stitch is due to come out in 11 days (36 weeks). If I make it to that point, you will see me doing laps around my neighborhood trying to force her out. In fact, I'm typing up her eviction notice as we speak.

Now that I've publicly made this declaration, watch... this little booger is going to stay put til 40+ weeks. Just arrive alive little one, that' all I ask.

Someone Came Before You

Lisette, Sami's mom sent this beautiful book for Nora. I just love it and find it so appropriate. I look forward to reading this book to Nora and telling her all about her sister. Husband and I are still grieving for Ella. Preparing for Nora is a reminder of all the things we didn't get to do for her. Yet, we love and adore our Nora so much and hope she realizes what her life means to us. I really wanted to share the words of the book here.

Someone Came Before You

There was once a mommy and daddy who loved each other very much.

They loved to ride their bikes and dance and watch TV and even do chores together.

But they knew something was missing.

They knew what was missing wasn't a cat or a dog or a bird or a hamster. They knew it wasn't a new car or a new TV.

They knew they wanted to share their life with someone very special.

They wanted a baby that would grow into a little person who would also love to ride bikes and dance and even do chores with them.

They were so excited when they realized this special person was on the way.

They heard their baby and felt their baby and watched their baby grow. This was to be a very special baby.

And the mommy would sit in the rocker and sing to her baby, "baby, I'm waiting for you. Praying for you. Dreaming of you. And when another day is through I'll still be waiting for you."

They loved their special baby very much.

But things didn't go as planned. Their very special baby died.

The mommy and daddy missed their special baby very much. They cried and cried and were sad a whole lot.

And the mommy sang as she sat in the rocker, "baby, we remember you. Think of you. Pray for you. And when another day is through, we'll still remember you."

Nothing would make them happy.

And so their hearts grew very small. Nothing could get in. Nothing seemed to matter. They didn't want to ride their bikes or dance or even do their chores. They just wanted their baby.

Even thought the special baby died, the baby kept loving the mommy and daddy and tried to make them happy again.

Their special baby was very patient. And the special baby would sing, "mommy, I remember you. Think of you. Pray for you. And when another day is through I still remember you."

Finally after what seemed like much work on the special baby's part, the mommy and daddy's hearts were stretched big enough to let in more love.

And now there was room enough for another special baby to come into their hearts...and that special baby is YOU.

We still think of that special baby that came before you. We hang the baby's ornament on the tree next to yours.

And we have a little box that we pull out from time to time that holds memories of that special baby.

And sometimes we light a candle for the baby and thank the baby for stretching our hearts to make room for you.

Some FYIs for Baby Lost Mama's

Sunday, May 2nd has been designated International Baby Lost Mother's Day. Last Mother's Day was painful. We had a family gathering at our house and with the exception of my husband and my sister, no one acknowledged that it was my first Mother's Day. And this year, I am fearful that people will declare this as my first. So, I am excited that we have our own day of remembrance and celebration now. Sending love to all of you this weekend and next. xo

Jen, Lily's mom sent me this beautiful photo this afternoon in honor of BL Mother's Day. Thank you Jen for thinking of Ella and sharing Lily's beautiful flowers with so many of us.



Here are a few more pics I received this week.


Thank you to Alexandra's mom, Maggie for remembering Ella with me this week.


Loni, sent Ella this balloon in honor of her daughter, Maddox Elise's birthday in February. Thank you so much, Loni.



I'm also excited to share with you a new site that will launch tomorrow. Grieve Out Loud was founded to serve as a network of love and support for families dealing with loss. Once cool feature of this site is the pen pal program. A program designed to link mothers and fathers dealing with loss. I am pen pals now with several of you and couldn't live without the check-ins we do with each other so often.

I fear...

That when I finally have my living baby, I'll do something to screw it up.

What if I put too many layers of clothing on her at night? Isn't overheating them one cause of SIDS?

I want to watch her sleep 24/7, for fear she'll stop breathing.

I'm clumsy. I bump into things all the time. What if I bump her into something? What if I drop her or someone else drops her?

What if she isn't eating enough?

I guess I never got to experience the new mom worries with Ella. I never believed I'd bring her home.

I'm scared. I haven't been able to take any hands on courses to prepare for a baby. Heck, I haven't even been able to prepare my home for her. I don't have any family here to teach me these things, either.

I feel stupid having to ask my friends who have children questions like, where does the carseat go in the car? Or, how do you dress a baby in the summer? Like I should know these things.

This is our one chance. She will be our only living child. Just because I lost one baby, doesn't mean I get a free pass and get to keep my second one.

Bedrest Butterflies

If you were waiting for a butterfly, it should be up now. If I missed you somehow, plesae let me know. This batch is extra special. I made and photographed these all while laying flat on my back in bed. I promise when I can get up and move around again without contracting every five minutes, I will re-photograph these. I just really wanted to get them up as it drove me nuts to know so many of you were waiting to see your baby's name. :)

If you can, I'd like to encourage you to please stop by Beth's blog and offer her some words of support and encouragement. Beth miscarried her rainbow baby last week. You can visit her here or here.

Checking In Miscellany

Today its been a month since I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor and three weeks since I was discharged. I never thought I'd make it a whole month back then. Everyday I've wanted to post and check in, but I've been lazy. I still can't get my mind to function properly. I feel like I've been saying that for eight months. I'm sure it's a combination of depression, pregnancy, and my brain turning to mush after many days of bedrest. Despite being on confined to bed, we have a lot going on. Husband is finishing up his PhD, we're planning for a baby (yes, finally- little by little- thank goodness for the internet), and in the beginning phases of orchestrating a big move later this summer. I am looking forward to when I can become a bit more mobile and am able to physically help out more.



You can see that husband is keeping me well fed. Here's Nora and I about a week and a half ago at 30 weeks. This was a special day for me because I got to wear the maternity shirt that I purchased when I was about 14 weeks along with Ella. I never got big enough to wear it during her pregnancy and its been sitting in my closet mocking me since. I had a doctor's appointment this day and decided I better hurry up and wear it before I'm not pregnant anymore. Check out my adorable kitty posing in the background.

We had a rather large earthquake (7.2) here on Easter Sunday. Most people who know me in real life know I absolutely hate earthquakes. I know. I know. I live in the wrong state for someone who hates quakes. My nerves have been a bit rattled with all of the aftershocks, too (as if the contractions weren't enough). Immediately after the initial quake, I asked husband if he thought Ella was okay. Now, I know that wherever she is, she is safe. But, I still had an irrational freak out. I wanted her here with us. Part of me wishes I could have turned her little body into a doll. I want to hold her and study her face again. Thank you to these special mamas for remembering Ella that day.


Thank you to Taryn, Alexander's mom for thinking of Ella while dying her Easter eggs this year. :) I'm looking forward to coloring eggs next year with both of my girls' names on them.


Thank you to Michelle, Juanito's mom for this adorable photo. Michelle must have spent her entire day taking these photos for so many of us. Such a wonderful tribute to Juanito.

I am 31.1 weeks pregnant today. I am hoping and praying to make it another week. We have a growth ultrasound scheduled for next Friday. After 32 weeks, my goal is to make it to 34 (apparently I get a little more freedom then). And, finally if I can make it to 36 weeks, I will have my cerclage removed. The finish line is definitely in sight and I'm just hoping that there are no detours before I get there.

Ella Pictures and Butterfly Update

Being in the hospital and thinking about giving birth again has me really missing Ella these last few weeks. It means so much that you all are still remembering my sweet baby with me.


From Jaime, Claire's mom at Indelible Ice Images. These came while I was in the hospital and really lifted my spirits. Thank you so much, Jaime!




Sunshine's mom, Kathy sent these to me this morning. She remembered my affinity for hearts while creating this for Ella. Thank you so much, Kathy!




Lily and Cooper's mom, Jen sent this to me today. It was taken at the Georgia Aquarium. I've wanted to go there since I learned that they offer yoga classes with their beluga whales. You're the best Jen! Thank you!

Since I went on modified bedrest at 20 weeks, I've been getting further and further behind with Ella's butterflies. When I was in the hospital last week, I had a couple of requests. I've decided to list the current names I have on my list. Please let me know if I missed your request (or just forgot to write it down), or if you'd like your child's name added to the list.
Lily Katherine
Christian
Eliana Hope