Kicked In The Ribs

I desperately need to blog today (it is addicting). My husband has our lap top at work, so I'm writing from my Ipod. So bear with me. Mother's Day sucked. I really wanted to be positive and feel appreciative that I still have a mom. But, I felt so hurt that nobody acknowledged the fact that it was my Mother's Day too (well, my husband sent me flowers- love him). I wanted someone to say they're sorry that it was my first Mother's Day and that my baby isn't here with me. I think people didn't say anything because they didn't want to upset me or weren't sure if I wanted to hear it. But, ignoring everything made me furious. Today, I went to school to visit my students for the first time since I went out on bedrest. It was so good to see them. I started crying immediately when I saw them. It was difficult to see my coworker who is 22 weeks pregnant. Her belly looked exactly like mine right before I had Ella. The best part of the visit was when my boss and friend (i call her my "fross") asked me how big Ella was. I want people to ask questions like that. I want to talk about what happened and I want to talk about her. On the way home, my oldest friend called. We've been friends since we were 3. I have been avoiding her calls because I just knew she was pregnant. So today I finally answered and just flat out asked her if she was pregnant. She said "yes, I'm 11 weeks." It felt like somebody shit kicked me in the ribs. I just started balling. I'm really glad that I was able to tell her how jealous I was, even though I feel terrible about it. I told her that it felt so unfair for her to be having two children when I didn't even have one. Thankfully, I think she really understood. She reads this blog and I hope she's okay with me sharing our conversation. All I can say is that I'm so glad I scheduled therapy this afternoon. I really needed it.