Tomorrow, a passerby will look at me and assume that this is my first Mother's Day. Tomorrow is not my first Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day was three years ago, just two short months after I gave birth to Ella. I am surprised that three years later I still feel wounded. I feel guilty that I have this beautiful (almost) one year old baby girl to love on and I am not all that excited about the day. I don't know how I am going to be around the people tomorrow... The same people that failed to acknowledge me as a mother three years ago.
I don't come here nearly enough. I like logging on because I feel like this is Ella's space and this is where I can connect with her. I've noticed that there are quite a number of new people following- which I don't know how that happened since my posts are few and far between and there's really nothing special going on. But, if you'd like, please introduce yourself here. Wishing you all a peaceful and gentle Mother's Day.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
2 Years
We celebrated Ella's 2nd Birthday on Tuesday. We had a nice family day. I made cupcakes in the morning and then we spent the day driving up the coast. We stopped and had lunch at one of our favorite spots and then took Nora on a little shopping spree. I felt so much gratitude that day. I'm very thankful to be only two years out from my loss and have such a beautiful, living baby to love on. I dressed Nora in a beautiful tutu because I felt like it was a celebratory outfit. On the way home, we stopped at the beach and wrote Ella's name in the sand. Ella sent us two beautiful Monarch butterflies while we were there. In the evening, we light candles and sang Happy Birthday. We also have a tradition that we started last year of writing in a birthday card. This year, I purchased a silhouette pic of my favorite ultrasound image as her birthday gift.
As usual, the days leading up to her birthday were pretty emotional and seemed worse than the day itself. Even though I celebrate Ella's life in small ways every day, it is nice to know that March 15th that will always be her special day.
Thank you to all my wonderful friends who sent their love this week. xo
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Birthday Blues
Today is my 31st Birthday. I should be happy. But, I feel sad. Three years ago on my Birthday, my dad was gravely ill. He passed away 3 weeks later. Two years ago, I was blissfully pregnant with Ella. I had just found out that she was a she and DH had bought me a beautiful diaper bag as a gift. Three weeks later, she passed away too. I feel like I'm starting to relive those dates all over again. Will my heart ever stop aching?
Friday, January 28, 2011
Ella's Boat
When we were out walking this weekend, DH spotted this tiny boat. We just so happened to have our camera with us too. Made our hearts smile.
** I realized the symbolism behind this little boat last night. Not too long before I saw this boat, I had posted that I felt like I was sinking... Ella sent me a boat. :) Love you, Ella girl.
** I realized the symbolism behind this little boat last night. Not too long before I saw this boat, I had posted that I felt like I was sinking... Ella sent me a boat. :) Love you, Ella girl.
Friday, January 21, 2011
This Week
This week was definitely better than the last. I think the fact that the weather has been spectacular helped. I've been making an effort to get out and walk each day, toting Nora and our dog to different parks around then neighborhood. We've also walked to Star.bucks and a nearby baby store twice, and took a drive to one of my new favorite cupcake shops. At the cupcake shop, I met a mom who has a baby 2 weeks younger than Nora. She and I set up a play date and lunch for next week. Even with the little cold Nora is fighting, she's been very happy this week. I think she likes the sunshine too. I also finished a hat for a friend I've been working on for like 6 months and started a new one for Nora. And, I've started planning our Little Lady's 1st Birthday Party. That's right, Nora peanut turns 8 months old this weekend. I'm planning on making some of the decorations myself, so I thought I'd better get started. It's going to take me a whole lot of 20 minute nap times to get them done. Thank you everyone for all your love and support after my last post. This motherhood thing combined with the grief I'm still experiencing is tough and I'm so glad I still have this safe place to vent.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Sinking
I try not to think about the things that make me sad for fear that I'll fall into a deep depression. But, once in a while, these feelings consume me and I start to feel as if I'm suffocating.
I hate where I live. I miss San Diego so much. I miss my old apartment, my friends, my blm support network, the ease of getting around... I feel so guilty for having these feelings. DH is working hard, long hours and I know there is a lot of pressure on him, as he is the sole breadwinner now. And, I live in a gorgeous apartment that is costing us a ton of money. But, I really hate it here. I really struggle with the idea of having to make our life here.
*If you know where I live, please don't mention the location in the comments. Thanks.
Nora is a horrible sleeper. Again, I feel terrible for saying that out loud. She is perfect and beautiful and healthy. And, I'm so fortunate to have a living baby here in my arms. But, 7.5 months of sleep deprivation is waring on me. On a good night, she wakes up at 1 and 4 am. But, most nights, she wakes every 1-2 hours. And, when she does sleep, I can't sleep because I'm a shitty sleeper myself. I spend her short nap times pumping because she's refused to nurse during the day since she was 3 months old. My blm friend Karen says they didn't use sleep deprivation as a medieval torture technique for nothing. She ain't lyin.
I don't have any help. And, I don't trust a "stranger" to watch her. My in laws live about an hour away, are in their seventies, and work part-time. They drive me nuts anyway. They spend each visit speculating as to why Nora is so fussy all the time. "She's hungry, she's tired... teething... her stomach hurts... maybe because you're breastfeeding...how long are you going to do that, again... don't you know such and such mom... don't put her on reflux meds... watch her... she shouldn't do that..."
I'm still angry at my mother. She's been trying to reach out to me and every time I hear from her, I carry a pit around in my stomach for week. I have no interest in a reconciliation which leaves me feeling guilty. But, she chose some dude she met at yoga over her children. She left me when I was grieving and beginning a difficult pregnancy. She allowed this dude (whom my siblings and I refer to as Satan) to email us about them being naked together and smoking pot on Christmas Day (my first Christmas without Ella).Nice, eh? I swear I don't make this stuff up. She allowed her fake lawyer friend to speak litigiously about us and send frivolous law suit threats our way. Again... all while I was grieving and constantly enduring the worry of losing another baby. She wasn't there when I was hospitalized, when Nora was hospitalized... She should be here sharing this little girl with me. She should be here to help out when I'm tired or need a break like most mothers do for their children.
And, most of all... I miss Ella. I still have moments where I forget that I have another baby. A dead baby. I can't shake the feelings I had the night I lost her. The days following her death...
I hate where I live. I miss San Diego so much. I miss my old apartment, my friends, my blm support network, the ease of getting around... I feel so guilty for having these feelings. DH is working hard, long hours and I know there is a lot of pressure on him, as he is the sole breadwinner now. And, I live in a gorgeous apartment that is costing us a ton of money. But, I really hate it here. I really struggle with the idea of having to make our life here.
*If you know where I live, please don't mention the location in the comments. Thanks.
Nora is a horrible sleeper. Again, I feel terrible for saying that out loud. She is perfect and beautiful and healthy. And, I'm so fortunate to have a living baby here in my arms. But, 7.5 months of sleep deprivation is waring on me. On a good night, she wakes up at 1 and 4 am. But, most nights, she wakes every 1-2 hours. And, when she does sleep, I can't sleep because I'm a shitty sleeper myself. I spend her short nap times pumping because she's refused to nurse during the day since she was 3 months old. My blm friend Karen says they didn't use sleep deprivation as a medieval torture technique for nothing. She ain't lyin.
I don't have any help. And, I don't trust a "stranger" to watch her. My in laws live about an hour away, are in their seventies, and work part-time. They drive me nuts anyway. They spend each visit speculating as to why Nora is so fussy all the time. "She's hungry, she's tired... teething... her stomach hurts... maybe because you're breastfeeding...how long are you going to do that, again... don't you know such and such mom... don't put her on reflux meds... watch her... she shouldn't do that..."
I'm still angry at my mother. She's been trying to reach out to me and every time I hear from her, I carry a pit around in my stomach for week. I have no interest in a reconciliation which leaves me feeling guilty. But, she chose some dude she met at yoga over her children. She left me when I was grieving and beginning a difficult pregnancy. She allowed this dude (whom my siblings and I refer to as Satan) to email us about them being naked together and smoking pot on Christmas Day (my first Christmas without Ella).Nice, eh? I swear I don't make this stuff up. She allowed her fake lawyer friend to speak litigiously about us and send frivolous law suit threats our way. Again... all while I was grieving and constantly enduring the worry of losing another baby. She wasn't there when I was hospitalized, when Nora was hospitalized... She should be here sharing this little girl with me. She should be here to help out when I'm tired or need a break like most mothers do for their children.
And, most of all... I miss Ella. I still have moments where I forget that I have another baby. A dead baby. I can't shake the feelings I had the night I lost her. The days following her death...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Made With Love
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