Something Only A LBM Would Understand

I learned of my shadow baby today. It's a boy. The news was delivered to me via a nine year old girl. I think if the news were broke to me by anyone else, I would have been very angry. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I heard it was a boy. People in my real life don't seem to get why that matters to me. Honestly, I don't even truly know why it makes a difference, but it does. Maybe because I was supposed to have a daughter here in my arms, so I don't want anyone else to have that. Maybe because she really wanted a girl. I'm still sad and still angry. Angry that other people get to go on living and have their happy, healthy babies and I do not. Angry that I didn't get to announce the arrival of my healthy baby. Instead I had to send out a text that my beautiful daughter was born, but didn't live. Angry that I left the hospital with empty arms. My husband asked me today if I sometimes wish bad things would happen to other's babies. My answer was, yes. Sometimes. Sometimes, I do wish that others knew the desperate pain of losing a child.

Today, another blogger wrote about losing a dear friend who is currently pregnant. I know that I have lost/am losing friends because I cannot accept their pregnancies/babies. For friends that do not get this. I ask them to imagine planning and anticipating one of the greatest joys of life. Imagine giving birth, and instead of hearing your baby take its first breath, you're told that they're not alive. You will never see your baby look up at you. You will never know the color of their eyes. Imagine handing your baby over knowing that is the last time you'll ever lay eyes on them. Imagine being asked to fill out mortuary paperwork instead of a birth certificate. Imagine being rolled out of the labor and delivery ward, the only one without a baby in her arms. It's a heartwrenching, devastatingly screwed up process.

If only I could move to a deserted island.

Please universe,

let this be a sign.

Firsts

Today, I had the pleasure of injecting myself with my first trigger shot. I was a little freaked out, but watched a demo video online (what would we do without the internet?). The needle slid in quickly and I didn't feel a thing- thanks belly flab. I was pretty darn proud of myself. The directions irked me a bit. They are divided into categories. One of the sections says, "for infertile women using ART," another "for infertile women with ovulatory disorders." First of all, isn't it implied that i'm "infertile" if I'm using the damn shot. Second of all, thanks for the reminder. I'm sure the person who wrote those instructions was a man or woman with 3.2 healthy, beautiful children at home. Maybe the directions should say something like "I'm sorry you're experiencing difficulties getting pregnant. We hope this is the last time you have to shoot yourself up..."



Yesterday, I had my first in public cry when I walked by the Janie and Jack store at the mall. I saw this beautiful christmas dress in the window. Right next door was Pottery Barn Kids- they had their Halloween costumes on display. It was then that it really hit me that I won't be dressing Ella in her first Halloween costume. I won't be buying her this Christmas dress with the matching beret and shiny black shoes. It sucks. I didn't want to celebrate the holidays last year since I had just lost my dad. So, this year they are really being called off. One could only hope that I'm at least pregnant by the time they roll around.

Mito-awareness Week

This post is for another Ella. To read her story, click here.

Many states have 'official' Mitochondrial Disease Awareness weeks - declared as the 3rd week in September to raise awareness for Mitochondrial Diseases.

This event is to spread awareness on Mitochondrial Disease wherever YOU are located. :]


• Every 15 minutes a child is born that will develop mitochondrial disease by age 10.

• It is estimated that of the 4 million children born each year in the United States, up to 4000 develop mitochondrial diseases.

• At least 1 in 200 individuals in the general public have a mitochondrial DNA mutation that may lead to disease.

• There are over 40 identified types of Mitochondrial Diseases and believed to be over 100 variants of mitochondrial diseases, .

• In the United States, more than 50 million adults suffer from diseases in which mitochondrial dysfunction is involved. Mitochondrial dysfunction is found in diseases as diverse as cancer, infertility, diabetes, heart diseases, blindness deafness, kidney disease, liver disease, stroke, migraine, and the toxicity of HIV and other drugs. Mitochondrial dysfunction is also involved in aging and neurodegenerative diseases such as Parkinson and Alzheimer dementia.

• The World Health Organization (WHO) calculates that neurodegenerative diseases, also associated with mitochondrial dysfunction, will become the world's second leading cause of death by the year 2040.

Butterflies

I just finished my 52nd butterfly. It's heartbreaking when you realize how many of us are in the baby loss club. I have been slacking a bit on getting the butterflies made because I've just been burnt out on coloring. So, this morning I came up with a new design. I think they're quite cute. I hope you like them. I love to send the butterflies out to their rightful owners. If you'd like your butterfly mailed to you, just send me your info in an email- briannemeg@yahoo.com. I still have quite of few butterflies that need to be made. If you don't see your butterfly here or your name below, please requet a butterfly by leaving me a comment.

**UPDATED 10/15/09- All butterfly requests have been filled. You may request butterflies here, by clicking on Ella's Parade of Butterflies, or by emailing me. :)

I'm Fine, I'm Well, I'm Coping

I discovered this poem here. I feel it really speaks to where I'm at right now. The phone calls and emails have become few and far between. And, when they do take place, I don't let people know that I'm still not okay (my therapist calls it "my mask."). I'm having a hard time deciphering whether people are pulling away on their own or if I am pushing them to do so.

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping"

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
she never did before.
From now until she dies,
she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how is she,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how is she,
she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For Gods sake Mom,
just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she
she'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom with all the lies you told!"

Comanche and Julius

Husband and I like to play this game... We close our eyes and open this book. The name we are pointing to when we open our eyes, will be our next baby's name. It's a fun game- good for lots of giggles. We played it often when I was pregnant with Ella. Last night's names were... Comanche and Julius. Nice. I did dream I had twin boys.