Some FYIs for Baby Lost Mama's

Sunday, May 2nd has been designated International Baby Lost Mother's Day. Last Mother's Day was painful. We had a family gathering at our house and with the exception of my husband and my sister, no one acknowledged that it was my first Mother's Day. And this year, I am fearful that people will declare this as my first. So, I am excited that we have our own day of remembrance and celebration now. Sending love to all of you this weekend and next. xo

Jen, Lily's mom sent me this beautiful photo this afternoon in honor of BL Mother's Day. Thank you Jen for thinking of Ella and sharing Lily's beautiful flowers with so many of us.



Here are a few more pics I received this week.


Thank you to Alexandra's mom, Maggie for remembering Ella with me this week.


Loni, sent Ella this balloon in honor of her daughter, Maddox Elise's birthday in February. Thank you so much, Loni.



I'm also excited to share with you a new site that will launch tomorrow. Grieve Out Loud was founded to serve as a network of love and support for families dealing with loss. Once cool feature of this site is the pen pal program. A program designed to link mothers and fathers dealing with loss. I am pen pals now with several of you and couldn't live without the check-ins we do with each other so often.

I fear...

That when I finally have my living baby, I'll do something to screw it up.

What if I put too many layers of clothing on her at night? Isn't overheating them one cause of SIDS?

I want to watch her sleep 24/7, for fear she'll stop breathing.

I'm clumsy. I bump into things all the time. What if I bump her into something? What if I drop her or someone else drops her?

What if she isn't eating enough?

I guess I never got to experience the new mom worries with Ella. I never believed I'd bring her home.

I'm scared. I haven't been able to take any hands on courses to prepare for a baby. Heck, I haven't even been able to prepare my home for her. I don't have any family here to teach me these things, either.

I feel stupid having to ask my friends who have children questions like, where does the carseat go in the car? Or, how do you dress a baby in the summer? Like I should know these things.

This is our one chance. She will be our only living child. Just because I lost one baby, doesn't mean I get a free pass and get to keep my second one.

Bedrest Butterflies

If you were waiting for a butterfly, it should be up now. If I missed you somehow, plesae let me know. This batch is extra special. I made and photographed these all while laying flat on my back in bed. I promise when I can get up and move around again without contracting every five minutes, I will re-photograph these. I just really wanted to get them up as it drove me nuts to know so many of you were waiting to see your baby's name. :)

If you can, I'd like to encourage you to please stop by Beth's blog and offer her some words of support and encouragement. Beth miscarried her rainbow baby last week. You can visit her here or here.

Checking In Miscellany

Today its been a month since I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor and three weeks since I was discharged. I never thought I'd make it a whole month back then. Everyday I've wanted to post and check in, but I've been lazy. I still can't get my mind to function properly. I feel like I've been saying that for eight months. I'm sure it's a combination of depression, pregnancy, and my brain turning to mush after many days of bedrest. Despite being on confined to bed, we have a lot going on. Husband is finishing up his PhD, we're planning for a baby (yes, finally- little by little- thank goodness for the internet), and in the beginning phases of orchestrating a big move later this summer. I am looking forward to when I can become a bit more mobile and am able to physically help out more.



You can see that husband is keeping me well fed. Here's Nora and I about a week and a half ago at 30 weeks. This was a special day for me because I got to wear the maternity shirt that I purchased when I was about 14 weeks along with Ella. I never got big enough to wear it during her pregnancy and its been sitting in my closet mocking me since. I had a doctor's appointment this day and decided I better hurry up and wear it before I'm not pregnant anymore. Check out my adorable kitty posing in the background.

We had a rather large earthquake (7.2) here on Easter Sunday. Most people who know me in real life know I absolutely hate earthquakes. I know. I know. I live in the wrong state for someone who hates quakes. My nerves have been a bit rattled with all of the aftershocks, too (as if the contractions weren't enough). Immediately after the initial quake, I asked husband if he thought Ella was okay. Now, I know that wherever she is, she is safe. But, I still had an irrational freak out. I wanted her here with us. Part of me wishes I could have turned her little body into a doll. I want to hold her and study her face again. Thank you to these special mamas for remembering Ella that day.


Thank you to Taryn, Alexander's mom for thinking of Ella while dying her Easter eggs this year. :) I'm looking forward to coloring eggs next year with both of my girls' names on them.


Thank you to Michelle, Juanito's mom for this adorable photo. Michelle must have spent her entire day taking these photos for so many of us. Such a wonderful tribute to Juanito.

I am 31.1 weeks pregnant today. I am hoping and praying to make it another week. We have a growth ultrasound scheduled for next Friday. After 32 weeks, my goal is to make it to 34 (apparently I get a little more freedom then). And, finally if I can make it to 36 weeks, I will have my cerclage removed. The finish line is definitely in sight and I'm just hoping that there are no detours before I get there.

Ella Pictures and Butterfly Update

Being in the hospital and thinking about giving birth again has me really missing Ella these last few weeks. It means so much that you all are still remembering my sweet baby with me.


From Jaime, Claire's mom at Indelible Ice Images. These came while I was in the hospital and really lifted my spirits. Thank you so much, Jaime!




Sunshine's mom, Kathy sent these to me this morning. She remembered my affinity for hearts while creating this for Ella. Thank you so much, Kathy!




Lily and Cooper's mom, Jen sent this to me today. It was taken at the Georgia Aquarium. I've wanted to go there since I learned that they offer yoga classes with their beluga whales. You're the best Jen! Thank you!

Since I went on modified bedrest at 20 weeks, I've been getting further and further behind with Ella's butterflies. When I was in the hospital last week, I had a couple of requests. I've decided to list the current names I have on my list. Please let me know if I missed your request (or just forgot to write it down), or if you'd like your child's name added to the list.
Lily Katherine
Christian
Eliana Hope

Week Recap

Everyone who's been reading this blog, knows I've been complaining of cramping and contractions since I had my cerclage back in December. Despite those symptoms, things have always looked good at my weekly appointments. The contractions started to increase significantly around 25 weeks, but both of my doctors kept telling me it was normal. I had been feeling crappy last week and had been contemplating a trip to L&D, so when I discovered that I was bleeding on Friday afternoon, I went to get it checked out.

When I got to the hospital, my cervix was still measuring in the high 3's, but the monitors showed that I was clearly contracting and that Nora's heartbeat was decelerating a bit. I was given my first dose of terbutaline and told that I'd be clear to go home after the effects of it wore off. My uterus felt as calm as it ever felt (of course, the rest of me was shaking), but after about 40 minutes things picked back up again. Thankfully, the doctors decided to check my cervix one more time. In less than an hour, my cervix had completely funnelled to the stitch and was measuring about 2cm. At that point, the plan was to admit me and start indocin and a course of steroids (ouch-ouch-ouch). Before I could have the steroids, I had to take the gestational diabetes test. I had actually been looking forward to this milestone. But, this wasn't the way I wanted to meet it. Based on the way I'd been feeling this past month, I wasn't surprised when I failed the test. So, in addition to continuous toco and fetal monitoring (which I loved), I was pricked after each meal (which i hated). When I saw my perinatologist on Sunday, he told me that no matter what they'd hold me in the hospital until 28 weeks.

I definitely had my ups and downs this week. We were visited by the NICU team twice. They stayed with us almost an hour the first visit and tried to map out the entire process for us. DH and I started reading What to do When Your Baby is Premature as soon as we could get our hands on a copy (thanks, Jen). I also had a couple of points of just deep depression. I got a little lonely in there, but at the same time started to feel batty when people were rushing in and out of my room every five minutes (thankfully, i discovered the do not disturb sign on day 3). I also struggled with the fact that I didn't have access to the foods I wanted whenever I wanted. Which got a little better when they placed a fridge in my room. I looked forward to little things like a hot shower everyday and hearing Nora's heartbeat for an entire hour, three times a day. I'd always turn off the tv and not take any phone calls during that time. I even tried to make a video of it.

I was expecting to be in the hospital until Friday. So, I was a bit shocked when the doctor came in and told me they were going to try to release me yesterday. I had a speculum exam (ouch- is it just me or do those hurt more the further along you are?) and was told that there wasn't any tension on my stitch and that they couldn't see my bag of water. Therefore, there wasn't really anything else to do. I was being sent home. I thought I'd throw and fit and refuse to go home. But, by that time I was actually ready to come home.

It's nice to be home with my own things. My cat makes the perfect bedrest buddy. And, when DH brings me food, the dog appears out of nowhere for a visit. My immediate goal is 30 weeks. I know in my heart I'm going to have her soon. There are times when I cannot even walk because I feel so much pressure. It's saddening to me to know that she won't be inside me much longer. I'd share my space with her forever if I could. Especially if it meant that she'd live. I'm not even counting days, I'm telling myself if I can make it to my next doctor's appt (Tuesday) without cancelling, then I'll be happy (even though I have to complete the 3 hour GD test, then). Today I purchased a few nursing items online. I still have yet to allow myself to make any purchases for Nora (other than a few outfits here and there). I figure even when/if she comes early, she still won't need anything until June anyway, so we have time. It would just be nice to be able to plan and nest like a normal person.

So, if you made it through this entire post, you'll be rewarded with some pictures. I never thought I'd be posting this scary picture of myself. I think all of my weight gain has gone to my face. But, I think they will be fun to look back at and show Nora someday. She is so loved and so wanted and we are willing to do anything to ensure she arrives safely.




This is the hat I feverently knitted this week. I started freaking out that everything I've knitted thus far would be too big. Hopefully, she won't fit in this one either.


My bedrest buddy. Good to be home!

Nora Update

Many of you already know that I was admitted to the hospital last Friday at 27.1 weeks. Thank you for all of your blog posts, good vibes, and messages via facebook. Facebook seems to be the easiest way for me to update, just because It's too much for me to compose everything into a post right now. I'm in preterm labor- exactly what happened with Ella. However, the positive side is that I've made it 5 more weeks than Ella's gestation and right now i'm stable (fingers crossed). Hoping, hoping, hoping for many more weeks of pregnancy. If anyone wants to read my updates on facebook, just send me an email- briannemeg@yahoo.com. I'm working on a Nora blog, as well. When she is born, I plan to share info and pics of her on a private blog. Of course, if you a a lbm reader of this blog, you will be invited. Love to you all!