Ella's 2nd Christmas

Sweet Ella,
Your special ornaments are hung on the tree. A special gift for you sits under it. Dad and I chose a music box this year. It will sit next to your ashes. I hope when the music plays, you dance, sing, and laugh. I love you with all my heart and miss you more everyday. Merry Christmas, my sweet and special baby.
Mommy

A very special friend sent this book for Nora's first Christmas. As I was reading it to her this morning, I couldn't help feel like the words were being carried up to Ella.

Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You
By, Nancy Tillman

I wanted you more than you ever will know, so I sent you love to follow wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf. You'll never outgrow it... it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...climb up to the sky! My love will find you. My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb! My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...

if you're working...

or playing...

or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til you're dizzy...

paint 'til you're blue...

There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely, or someday you're sad, or you strike out at baseball or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair. That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass... in the smell of the sea... in the clouds floating by... at the top of a tree... in the sound crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and so deep, it's always right there, even when you're asleep.

So hold your head high and don't be afraid to march to the front of your own parade.

If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown, my promise to you is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling, my star.. and my love will find you, wherever you are.

You are loved.

<3 ella <3

Slacker

I have a ton of requests for butterflies. I feel horrible that I haven't even replied to most of the emails. I have a beautiful five month old baby. A beautiful, five month old baby, that is growing and changing before my eyes. She is "talking," laughing, rolling over, eating cereal... But, this beautiful, perfect baby detests sleep... never napping more than thirty minutes at a time and still waking 3-4 times each night. Needless to say, I am bone tired. But, I miss all of you. I opened my google reader for the first time in three weeks last night. I know I keep up with a lot of you on facebook, but I feel so disconnected from everyone. I am sorry if you have requested a butterfly. As soon as I can, I will be working on them again. I saw four butterflies today as I was driving. On the radio I heard the song, You are Not Alone by Micheal Jackson. For some reason, I thought of all of you. I am so thankful that I haven't had to endure my loss and this transition into mothering a living baby alone. I love you all! xo

Thank you, Micah's Mom!


Thank you, Gabriel's Mom!


Thank you, Lily's Mom!

September 15th marked 18 months since I first held her. I know it's cliche and everyone says it, but it feels like just yesterday. At the same time, when I look at Nora and see how far I've come, it feels like a whole other lifetime. Memories of her flood my mind several times a day. I've been thinking about the fact that she was born still, a lot lately. A large part of me wishes she were born alive. Then she could have had birth certificate instead of a death certificate. I could have held her and comforted her while she died. I wonder if she was in pain as she passed. The idea of that kills me.

I still love to see her name in writing. I still write her name on my shower door every morning. :) Thank you to these lovely ladies for remembering Ella with me.

I wish I wrote here more. I actually have several posts stewing in my head right now. But, I find myself writing on Nora's blog if I ever have the time. I feel like Nora is growing so quickly and I don't want to forget a moment of her life. I am scared that something will happen to me and that she won't have these memories preserved for her when she's older. I tell myself that Ella's blog can wait. It's not going anywhere. Of course that leaves me feeling very guilty.

As I was writing this post this morning, a friend (a real life one, yes I have a few) phoned and shared with me that she had been present at a friend's birth this week. Sadly, this friend's baby did not make it. I don't feel comfortable sharing any details, really. It's not my story to tell. But, even though it's incredibly sad, it felt so wonderful to be share some information that I thought would be helpful. After Ella died I was desperate to find a way for her life to have meaning. So today, I felt that. I am very grateful for all that Ella has taught me.

Rainbow Mama Lunch

When I started this blog, it became not only my place to honor and memorialize Ella, but a place to meet and support other baby loss moms. Last year, I had the pleasure of meeting Ada and Eleanor's mom, Beth in real life. Last week, I had the opportunity to have lunch with three other (and their rainbow babies) incredible women that I met through this blog. Nicolle, Rachel, Tiffany, and I had a wonderful time sharing and talking about ALL of our babies. Nicolle, Tiffany, and I all had our rainbows within a month of each other. I just love hanging out with other baby loss moms. Maybe it's because we've been sharing the intimate details of our lives for the past year and a half, but it's just easy. Easy to share about our losses and talk about our lost little ones.... We shared mom tips and ate some great food, too. I hope to meet more of you in the future.

Not Much To Say...

I miss writing here. However, I don't really know what to say anymore. I still miss her. I am still grieving. But, I don't have anything new to express. I don't want to sound like a broken record. I also don't want to sound ungrateful. I am so fortunate to have such a beautiful baby in my arms, I should be focusing all of my efforts on her, right? I also don't want to talk about Nora too much. That's what her blog is for (and to be honest, I rarely write there, either).

Ella's due date passed once again last month. I read some of my past entries that day. I hadn't realized how far I have come. I still don't know how I made it through her death... How I made it through birthing her knowing she was going to die... The returning home with nothing but a damn memory box... The trying to get pregnant... The anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy... Actually, I do know how I made it through. I'd say it is because of most of you! It is all a blur, really. I still can't believe I'm sitting here today with Nora in my arms.

Another LBM asked me if having a rainbow baby makes the days bearable again. My answer was, of course. When someone asks me how I am doing, I say, wonderful. And, I actually mean it. However, I still yearn for Ella and think about her a lot. I think Nora looks a lot like her. DH and I talk a lot about what we missed out on with Ella. Or what it would have been like to have an 18 month old and a 2 month old.

One of the things no one ever told me (and I guess I needed to discover it for myself) is that I am allowed to still think that being a mother to a living baby is hard. I am allowed to feel overwhelmed and frustrated at times. I assumed I'd embrace every sleepless night, every colic episode... And, don't get me wrong, I do. But, there are moments where I am in tears because I am just so tired. I never thought I'd hand over my baby because I needed a break. But, for once I guess I am just a "normal" "new" mom.

I owe so much to Ella. She made me into an entirely different person. I have made so many amazing friends along this journey. I have learned to cherish every minute I have with my loved ones, especially Nora. I love you, sweet baby.

More Members of Ella's Parade

Hi Everyone,
I am embarrassed that it has taken me so long to complete the butterfly requests.
Here are the latest. In the next few days Eliana, Noah, and William will be added. Please let me know if I've missed your request. It's been crazy around here. Thinking of you all, always. You can also view these butterflies here.



Leila


Leandra


Kennedy Kate


Casey


Bodhi


Cameron


Chloe


Christian


Cora Rei


Harvey


Jacob Evan
June 1, 2010


Joshua Derrek
July 28, 2009


Keaton Tyler
May 4, 2010


Laken


Rose


Lily Katherine
March 16, 2010


Lily Rose


Wyatt River
May 31, 2010

Nora's Birth Part 2

Part 2 is so hard to write...

Although Nora was born on May 22nd, we did not bring her home until May 31st. We enjoyed two blissful days with our baby in the post partum unit. I am so grateful that I had those two days to feel like a normal new mom with Nora. As I nestled Nora into her car seat on departure day, she started to scream. I decided to feed her a bit before heading home. Nora had been eating for about 10 minutes when I looked down and noticed she had turned purple. I ran out into the hall to get the nurse and show her Nora. The nurse's first response was that I couldn't be out in the hallway with the baby unless she was in the bassinet. Whatever, lady. She came in and Nora's color started to return. She decided to take Nora to the nursery for observation. I tagged along. For some reason, I really do not recall I headed back to my room for a minute. I was sitting on the bed when a doctor from the NICU entered and told me that my sweet baby was going to be admitted to their unit. As you can imagine, I totally freaked out. My mind automatically went "there." I thought she was going to die. The next thing I thought was that I would be leaving the hospital without a baby, again...

DH and I walked over to the NICU. Nora was all hooked up and in a bed already. Several people were crowded around her and monitoring her. As they were watching her, they noticed she was having some desats. I don't remember much of this day. It's kind of a blur. All I remember is we left the hospital with an empty car seat in hand and checked into a hotel across the street from the hospital so that we could be closer to Nora.


DH and I set up a schedule. The NICU was open from 8-6 during the day and 8-6 at night. I spent the days there and DH stayed with her at night. Some of the nurses thought we were crazy. But, we had waited so long for her arrival, we just wanted to be near our baby. It helped me to sleep better at night too to know that someone was with Nora. I'd pump milk all day and all night, every 3 hours so that Nora could eat. A couple days before we got to bring her home, I started nursing again. Thanks to the encouragement of a wonderful nurse. Prior to that, I was set on solely pumping as I feared she might turn purple on me again.

Nora was on a nasal cannula for two days. She started out in a crib, but was later moved to an isolette because she also had jaundice. She was given the full work up. They did an ultrasound on her brain, a chest xray, and ran tests for infection. Everything came back clear. She just needed to grow a bit and learn the whole suck, swallow, breathe thing. Once I realized that she was going to live, I was okay (well as okay as one can be in that situation). In order to come home, Nora had to have 5 days without any desats.

Nine days after her birth, on Memorial Day, my dream came true. I placed Nora back into her car seat and carried her our of the hospital. Not before stopping in the hospital's area that DH and I call, "Ella's Garden." A small garden with memorial butterfly statues just outside of the labor and delivery floor. We took Nora out there, for her first breath of fresh air, and to tell her the story of her sister.