My mood these past few days has shifted from heartbroken, to lonely, to just plain ANGRY. I have always been a pretty level person. I don't think I've ever known the feeling of anger quite like this. I lost my father last year to cancer. Until now, that was the hardest time of my life. I still don't recall feeling so damn angry.
Bringing home Ella's pictures on Tuesday really hit me hard. It kills me that I didn't get to bring home a perfect little baby. It kills me that I feel that I can't share her pictures with friends and family because she doesn't look like a "normal" baby and people will find it too sad.
Another thing that just made me plain angry this week is my co-workers sent a card out to me that had gotten misplaced and was supposed to be sent about seven weeks ago (when I was still pregnant and had just gone on bedrest). The card was signed by several people and included comments like "rest up, keep that baby safe." At the time, the card was perfectly appropriate. But, I find it just so insensitive for them to still send it off after all that has happened. Yeah, thanks for the reminder that I didn't keep my baby safe.
I'm angry that my body failed me and didn't keep my baby safe.
I'm angry that my friends and family aren't calling or emailing more. I know I don't always pick up the phone or respond to an email, but it is just nice to know that someone is thinking of you at this time. It feels like everyone is going on with their lives when mine has just shattered.
I'm angry that my first baby shower was supposed to be held next weekend.
I'm angry at myself because as I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, writing this blog, my doctor (who is amazing) has just emailed me to let me know that she just lost her 95 year old grandmother. A woman she describes as being the wisest, smartest woman she'd known. I feel just awful that someone who has been so supportive of me is hurting.
Friday, April 17, 2009
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I know that our situations are very, very different, but I understand a lot of what you said about being angry. Especially about everyone going on with their lives, while yours is seemingly defined by what has happened (but it's not). I was upset too, when the initial wave of emails and phone calls from friends subsided. I do know that most of them do care, but they are afraid to say the wrong thing, or don't know what to say at all. I think about you all the time, and I'm sure that others are as well.
ReplyDeleteIt is not your fault. And you have every right to be angry.
I just wanted to write you back to say that of course you can copy from my post and put it on your blog. I have been reading through your posts, and I am so, so sorry that you lost your sweet baby Ella. That is a beautiful name and one that I considered too.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about nobody calling. In the first couple of months after losing Ada, I was depressed for the first time in my life. I had no energy to call friends or even to make an effort to stop by my friend's classrooms before/after school. (I'm a teacher.) I really just kept to myself. Yet, I felt isolated because nobody was reaching out to me. It's just a really crappy time - there's no other way to describe it.
I came by here to reply to your question - of course you can copy from my post and put it on your blog. If there's anything else you want to borrow, you don't need to ask.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry about your sweet baby Ella. That is such a beautiful name and one that I considered too.
I know exactly what you mean about your friends/family not contacting you. For several months after losing Ada, I went through a depression (the only one of my life) and I just had no energy to make the effort to contact people. I didn't call anybody, email, or even stop by my friends' classrooms before/after school. (I'm a teacher.) Yet, I felt sad because nobody was reaching out to me. I think they all thought I needed space. Anyway, it's just a crappy time, but you will get through it.
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ReplyDeleteI received an email from a friend yesterday. She said that she didn't call because "I've given you some space as I know you are finding a way to deal with things and I didn't want to encroach on that." I replied to her and told her she could call. Our loved ones don't know what to do for us. We have to tell them that we need them. And those who are true friends will be there.
ReplyDeleteyou have a right to be angry - and people will try to understand what you are going through, but unless you've been there and experienced the loss of a baby - you'll never know.
ReplyDeleteit's funny - reading other mother's blogs - i find comfort in knowing that i'm not the only one who gets angry!!
other moms like us will never forget the memories of our babies and babies of our friends (even though we've only met on our blogs)
if you ever need to rant - i'll be here to listen...sometimes the best friends and family hurt the most by not saying anything - i've found myself just wanting people to NOT ignore the fact that we had a baby...don't ignore Maddie - SORRY if it makes you uncomfortable - she was born and she is and always will be a part of our lives!
You are allowed to be angry. Those closest to you will understand...but it may take them time.
ReplyDelete