I hate...
My life.
That I'm depressed and miserable all day because I miss my baby.
That I live in a neighborhood where I have to see young couples with their babies everywhere I freaking go.
That I have two baskets full of stuff sitting in my closet that Ella will never use.
That most of the human population fails to understand the depth of what I'm experiencing. That people don't equate my loss with the loss of a child.
That it seems that everyone around me is pregnant and I am not. And that some of those people still have the audacity to complain that they're uncomfortable, fat, miserable...
That people ignore me because they don't know what to say.
That trying to get pregnant again is work.
The freaking two week wait.
That I am unsure of when I'll have a baby in my arms again.
That my husband is depressed and doesn't want to take a vacation because he thinks we'll just come home and be unhappy again.
That I'm back to work and that I have to pretend to be okay and happy every second. It's exhausting and I've never been good at supressing my feelings.
That I work with kids. I hate putting all my energy into other people's children when I so desperately want to have one of my own. I hate having to look into the faces of these kids and wonder if Ella would have been like them. I wish I worked in a freaking office.
That I will never know what color Ella's eyes were. That I'll never see her smile. That I basically know nothing about her.
That I've only been back to work for 2 weeks and I'm already getting my first cold. Just a reminder that I was sick like every couple of weeks when I was pregnant with Ella because kids are germ factories.
That my dad died. I hate seeing my mom alone. I hate that on top of the loss, she lost her house, her car...
Scratch that. I don't hate my life. I hate the universe.
Friday, July 24, 2009
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Oh, you poor thing, I empathize with every word you wrote - and I understand and have felt the same way personally on every point except for 3. There's nothing I can say that will make it better (I wish there was), so all I can send is a big hug and my warm thoughts. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how hard it is for you to be around so many little faces. But you are amazingly strong to be doing this even though there are times that are unbearable. The fact that you are still going is testament of how strong you are. I wish that Ella were here for you to hold. But, know that she is in every child's smile that you see, & every child you console. I know it is hard but Ella will give you strength.
ReplyDeleteMay you one day be blessed to hold your own.
((hugs))
I love...
ReplyDeletethe surprise of seeing a butterfly and thinking how my friend Bree would respond to it.
knowing that someday we'll all know the color of Ella's eyes.
that TTC can be fun, too.
that when we get pregnant again, we'll see it for the miracle it is, and not take it for granted the way those whiny preggos do.
giving support to you when you're feeling low
getting support from you when I'm down.
Even in this horrible circumstance, there is light. I've met some AMAZING women through this loss. I love you, sister. I'm praying for God to send a butterfly your way....
I'm sorry about all the waiting, and all the other crap that you have to deal with. It's not fair.
ReplyDeleteI love the previous comment too.
I am so sorry. I wish I could come and give you a hug right now. Wouldn't it be great if I could hire you as my barista & we could work together and spit in the drinks of pregnant ladies who get espresso drinks... I promise I NEVER do that... but I do think it :) Don't you want to move to Georgia?
ReplyDeleteIt does get easier. I know it's hard to believe that but be patient with yourself (and the universe). I'm sorry people don't understand the depth of your loss- you did lose a child & you have every right to grieve Ella's death. When one day at a time is a struggle just focus on getting through each moment. (((hugs)))
I'm sorry Bree. I also hate much of what you hate...I wish I could change it for all of us who have lost babies!!
ReplyDeleteHate away Bree. All of those things thoroughly suck.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
Five years ago these were my words! (Right down to the fact that I too am a teacher.) Thinking of you- the sucky world that is right now and praying for a little less sucky tomorrow! Hang in there!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHugs-
Laura
If I could reach through this computer I would hug you and cry with you. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteFirst, a virtual hug is in order ((((((((hug))))))))))...
ReplyDeleteLosing Lily and recent events also have me wondering "why does my life have to be so difficult?" People will say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Really? God is completely overestimating my abilities is my response.
The universe can and will suck, but there are always the good things in life, too. Sometimes, we have to verbally list out the things that bring us happiness in life too. But, I know how you feel because sometimes the bad list is much easier to roll around in..
Sometimes it feels good to just give in to the anger and the hate, and I think it's healing too. I'm so sorry for everything you are dealing with. I hope some of the anger lifts soon and gives you some peace.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Ella. It helps to get our emotions out. I lost my baby boy 4 months ago. I have a 21 month old son to hold, but I still miss my little one so much. xxx
ReplyDelete