I had a horrible experience with an insensitive doctor yesterday. I went to see my general practioner because I wanted her to know about my loss and have it in my records. I gave her a brief overview of the pregnancy and what happened. Here is how part of the conversation went.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but you must be done grieving by now seeing how you lost the baby in March.
Me: (shocked) Well, no. Actually, it's only been 3.5 months and I still have very dark days.
Doctor: Yeah, but it's not like you lost a three year old.
Me: (ummm- did she lose a three year old?) There is never a good time to lose your child. And, I'm quite distraught over the fact that I never got to see my daughter alive. I know nothing about the person she was. (crying)
I left the appointment feeling furious. I came straight home and sent an email to my OB telling her how much I love and appreciate her. For me, this experience was just a reminder that it is up to me and other baby lost mamas to educate the general public about pregnancy loss. We can look at it as another burden we have to bear or we can choose to educate others in honor of our lost children.
Coincidentally, I received an email this morning from a friend who sent these two articles that were published in The Washington Post yesterday:
Handling the Tragedy and Raising Awareness
Even Doctors Avoid Talking About Stillbirth
I decided to send these articles off to most of my friends and family (I refrained from sending it to my currently pregnant friends- even though I sort of wanted to). I sent it to people that have supported me, but I also sent it to the people who have let me down. Maybe they'll "get it," maybe they won't. But, at least I know, through all my grief, I am doing my part.
**Side note: Two butterflies crossed my path in the last few days. This has NOT happened before. But, I've been asking Ella to send me a sign that she is with me. So I know she sent these baby butterflies for me. Thanks, baby. I love you too! A little orange and black butterfly fluttered right past me when I was at the beach this weekend. Then on Monday, a white butterfly flew past me while I getting ready to take a walk with a friend.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
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Oh my God!! I can't even imagine saying those terrible things to a patient. I am so deeply sorry that you found yourself in such a horrible place...what a terrible doctor!!! What a complete asshole! To me, if you work in the healthcare field...there is absoluelty NO excuse for such insenstivity. Unfortunetly, I have found doctors are not exculuded from the land of insensitive comments. :-(
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to tell you that YOU ARE AMAZING! I am so absouletly proud of you for your grace and beauty. I know what a terrible week the "due date" can be, but I love that you are redirecting your energy to honor Ella. I love that you are knitting hats for babies, how wonderful. I know despite it all, this week will still be painful, but know I am ALWAYS here if you need anything.
By the way....how are you feeling this week? I have been thinking of you!!!! I am so glad Ella said hello! What a sweet little butterfly. :-)
love you!
P.S I love your layout!!!! Look at you! :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to imagine a doctor (these are the people we're supposed to be able to trust!) with such an insensitivity to your loss. I hope you are finding a new GP. I would also write a letter to that doctor, maybe include the articles that you posted above. How awful. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteWhat was she thinking!?! Done grieving? It's been over a year for me and I'm not 'done grieving'. I'm not in the same place but that doesn't mean I'm done- that's why they call it a process. I would have difficulty losing a child at any age and while there might be similarities in grief with other parents, it isn't something to be compared.
ReplyDeleteHoly Crap that doctor is crazy. I am so sorry you had to deal with this....
ReplyDeleteHang in there!
I like the new blog layout, too.
angela
I seriously was sipping on my iced coffee while reading then and literally spit up in a pissed off manner when I read what that Dr said to you. I am so so so sorry that this was said to you. If I was there to hug you I so would.
ReplyDeleteStay strong hon. I know its easier said that done but don't let that a*hole get to you.
*hugs*
Done grieving, Really? Is there such a thing when a parent loses a child? I know that general society doesn't always get it, but I agree that in the medical profession there is no excuse for such ignorance.
ReplyDeleteI literally did a "no, she didn't" when I read what your doctor said to you. Please, tell me that you will never see her insensitive butt again!
ReplyDeleteWe do need to educate people on pregnancy loss. I imagine that the pain of losing a 3 year old is horrific. But, living with the what color were my child's eyes, what would her laugh sound like, and never hearing her say "mommy" is just as heart wrenching.
I'm so sorry for your experience~
Oh boy! I don't even know what to say. It just seems that female doctors have the worst bedside manner and I have no idea why. You'd think they would be more sympathetic. We didn't like either one of our female doctors that were part of the practice.
ReplyDeleteYou don't ever get over this. It is just something that we will one day learn how to handle if that is possible.
((hugs)) to you.
What was it that someone put on my recent post? Not just 'insensitive' but INSENSIMEAN! That comment from her was insensimean and nasty. I've blogged on it before - wondering when is the 'better' time to lose a child... during term? After you've looked into their eyes? After you've fed them (I got that one at my son's funeral that so-so had lost a baby and it 'after she'd fed them' with a tone insinuating that made it harder)? When they're three years old? After their 21st birthday? I'm sure that all of those ages make things 'different', but not better or worse. At different ages you have different things to grieve. I grieve never knowing Ciaran's life, the hopes and dreams I had, for example, whilst the mother of the 21 year old grieves the person they lost, the 21 years of nurturing and pow wow. Why is that so hard for people to understand, much less GP's??
ReplyDeleteI'm very over GP's right now, and have a bit more anger now for yours as well. They are meant to be our caregivers, but where is the care in their conversation?
xxx
UGH! I'm so sick of doctor's and their horrible bed side manners. When I read your post I said out loud. How freaking rude. I'm sorry that you had to deal with that. Big cyber hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe your doctor said those things to you! Another classic case of "they just don't get it." However, I think you handled it beautifully. Thank you for standing up for all of us babylostmamas and letting her know that our loss and pain are real. These babies are/were part of our families, our hopes, dreams, and future.
ReplyDeleteIf you do decide to switch GPs I hope you write a letter telling her how insensitive she was and exactly why you are leaving her practice. None of us should have to encounter this type of ignorance, especially from a medical professional.
The articles you linked to had great information. I would like to post them on my blog too if you don't mind. Thinking of you.
xx,
Tina
I cannot believe a doctor would say something like that. I am so sorry you had to experience that. What does she think that grieving has an on & off switch or an expiration date! Do you have to go back to her or can you get a new doctor?
ReplyDeletei agree with all the other comments - THAT DOCTOR IS AWFUL.....you're NEVER DONE grieving - i can't believe some people, especially doctors, can be so INSENSITIVE.....
ReplyDeleteoh were your cupcakes good??? they looked delicious!! email me when you get a chance!
love you -
That is so not okay. In addition to the email you sent to your OB, you should try to send her one as well. Make sure she knows how out of line she was and try to stop her from being that insensitive to others in the future. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I'm glad you stuck up for yourself, but it shouldn't have happened in the first place.
ReplyDeleteWOW I can't believe she said those things to you :( People amaze me sometime, well more often than not; on their ignorance, you have every right to continue to grieve, there will always be a part of you that will grieve it will just get smaller over time. You are an amazing and strong woman!!!
ReplyDeleteI was driving on Friday (Ella's day) and an orange butterfly was totally chasing and dancing around my car. I really felt Ella - so she wasn't just appearing to you on that day. I thought of her (and you) all day...
ReplyDeleteKath
Um, I seriously hope you call that doctor on her insensitivity. Maybe not now, but she needs to know that she's ditching her oath "first, do no harm". Insensitive cow. Please send her a letter or something.
ReplyDelete