Husband brought home this adorable little watermelon last night. I immediately stuck the darn thing up my shirt and pretended I had a bun (I mean melon) in the oven. I then had the idea to dress this little guy up. Of course, it was good for some shits and giggles, but it also served as a reminder of how sad and depressing this whole process is. Ella should be home with us, but she's not. All I have is this damn watermelon that looks like a little darling baby. My heart is broken and my arms are empty.
Someone in my real life is expecting her first baby any day now. I've been freaking out about it for the past couple of days. I do not want to know if she's had the baby. I do not want to know whether it was a boy or girl. I do not want to know its' name. I am choosing to pretend like the whole thing isn't happening. But, I am afraid that when I go out, I'll run into her or someone who knows her who will deliver the news that she's had the baby. I fear that there will be an email in my inbox with the news. Of course, I feel like a bitch for feeling this way, but I'm also giving myself permission to be angry and bitter and pissed off. I prayed and prayed that I'd be pregnant by the time she had her baby so that I'd at least feel a bit better. But, I'm not.
I'm agonizing over what to do this next cycle. I'm getting ready to start Provera to induce a period since I didn't ovulate this past month. My Clearblue monitor said I ovulated, I felt like I ovulated, but a blood test proved otherwise. I'm going to have all of my hormone levels checked on cycle day 3. Then, I have to make up my mind if I'm going to try a larger dose of Clomid. I'm so desperate to be pregnant and know that if I'm not ovulating, then I don't even have a chance to fulfill that dream. I also like that when I'm on Clomid, my cycles are monitored very closely and I'll know if I'm going to ovulate or not. On the other hand, I really want to figure out the cause of the anovulation. I hate putting that crap in my body, especially if it's not doing anything. Sigh...
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Good luck Bree. I hope you get pregnant this time. Hugssssssssss
ReplyDeleteHmmm. Did the Dr. say why an ovulation test might read worng? Also, I'm probably not saying anything that your Dr.s haven't thought of, but just in case. I used to have an underactive thyroid, (Still do, only medicated now)But I used to go forever without periods. (Don't know if I ovulated) I also induced periods with Provera and it wasn't until I couldn't concieve that a Dr. ran a panel on it. But I do agree with you that ultimately it would be better to find out the cause and treat that first. Hoping that some answers turn up for you soon.
ReplyDeleteI understand there were twins due in my family at the same time as my triplets. I would flinch every time the phone rang. Go easy on yourself. I second that you get your Thyroid levels checked. Take care.
ReplyDeleteOhhhh, i can so relate. In the past week, THREE of my colleagues have had babies. And the e-mails keep getting worse and worse. One went into details about when and where her water broke. Are you KIDDING me!?
ReplyDeleteToday, I swore myself off facebook. I didn't delete it, but I came close.
Good luck with your trying to conceive!!! I am trying, too, this month, and feel like I'm feeling around in the dark (no pun intended). I liked clomid because of the certainty, too, but am way too afraid of multiples, since I lost multiples. I'll be thinking of you!
Thanks for the advice, ladies. I have had my thyroid checked so many times- before and after losing Ella. It is normal. Weird though- it did measure low once at the beginning of pregnancy, but then the next time I was tested, it was normal.
ReplyDeleteAshley, I'm in the same boat with the clomid- NO MULTIPLES. If my doc sees more than one follicle on the u/s, my cycle will be cancelled.
Kim- do you have a blog? I see you've commented a few times. Tell me about yourself. :)
Bree-
ReplyDeleteI think you were talking to me, but my name is Christy, so I just wanted to make sure :) If not, just disregard :)
Anyway, I am trying it for 3 months w/out clomid-I am taking metformin for my poly cystic ovarian syndrome. So far, it has kept my cycles under 31 days, but honestly-I haven't done anything to prove that I actually am ovulating, except the fact that I am actually getting my period.
If I decide to do clomid, I'll have to be monitored with ultrasounds, too-I took one dose of 50 mg-the lowest-and conceived twins, so I'm hoping to avoid that at all costs.
Bree- Thanks for stopping by my blog. :) Sounds like you are feeling some of the same pains as me in regards to friends having their babies. I think I am just going to follow the advice I was given and to just ignore the information. Delete emails if I can't handle to read them, avoid phone calls if I need to. We need to do what we need to do during the healing process.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note....I don't have a lot of background as I haven't been following your blog, but could the lack of ovulation be caused by PCOS? I have PCOS so I can definately relate to that. I apologize if I am speaking out of turn.
So sorry, Christy. :)
ReplyDeleteJessica, I have actually always thought that I have pcos. My sister has it and I pretty much have the same issues as her. But, my doctor has performed many, many ultrasounds on me and says I don't have it. So, now I'm finally requesting the blood tests. If anything, I'm pretty sure I have some sort of hormonal imbalance.
Bree,
ReplyDeleteCan you update your blogger to where we can e-mail you privately ? went to see if I could email you but didn't see the option. I was reading older posts and one caught my attention. It was about feeling protective of Ella's picture. I felt the same way with my babies. I had triplets but only 2 came out alive and we got pictures of them after they passed. I feel sad I never got to see my 3rd baby since she passed while in my tummy so I have no picture of her to show. I like you carried their pictures in my wallet and wanted people to ask about them and not pretend I didn't just lose 3 babies. I also wanted you to see them. I posted a picture of them on my blog and I'm so proud to be their Mommy !! Theie angelversay is coming up on September 21st. I can't believe it has been almost 3 whole years !!! It seems just like yesterday I was in the hospital trying to keep them in my belly !! All the emotions you are feeling are the same ones I felt and reading your blog is bringing them all back to me.
I want to let you know something positive that happened as a result of losing my triplets.
1. I have met women just like me who are great support.
2. I was blessed 4 months after losing the babies to do another round of fertility and became pregnant !!!
I have a beautiful 22 month old little girl who gives me a reason to wake up everyday even when I miss her siblings so much I think my heart is going to fall out !!
You are in my prayers !!
hugs,
Nichole
please visit my blog
www.thekovalfamily.blogspot.com
Bee..I know you will figure this out, you know your body the best. Hopefully this cycle of provera will jump start your period and do the trick. Are you considering increasing your dose? Anyway...I have been thinking of you! Many hugs!!
ReplyDeleteI hope they can figure out what's going on and help you ovulate. I know that each month it doesn't happen is a disappointment.
ReplyDeleteOh my dear Bree, I know how you feel. I keep going into the boys room and looking at their little clothes we bought and I am so tempted to dress my dog in them =)
ReplyDeleteI hope this next cycle is it for you my dear.
*hugs*
I would also recommend blood work to check your hormone levels to check for PCOS & your insulin levels while you are at it since that can run hand in hand (I have PCOS, am annovulatory but have no insulin issues). Have you visited a reproductive endocrinologist or just your OB? I would recommend seeing an RE for the gamut of tests there. Good luck, honey.
ReplyDeleteAs much as I don't want you to have to wait another month, I just really hope that taking a month off of clomid and tracking/testing your "normal" cycle will help provide answers that ensure you don't have to wait more than TWO more months. Remember - NOVEMBER is your month. I feel it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love the baby watermelon. Amazing the little reminders that we face each day...
Wishing you all the best Bree, and hoping for some answers for you soon! I know the waiting game and all the unanswered questions must be so hard! Sending you all my hopes and prayers for a baby in your tummy soon, and then one in your arms!
ReplyDeleteOMG! I did see it! I am going to post it on my blog this week! THANK YOU! It's such a sweet thing for you to do.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I TOTALLY know your bitchy feeling and its 100% warranted, and I have finally accepted that it's oky to feel that way.
I am thinking about you,
love
Ash
Bree I love the little melon with the headband but I know that Ella would be much cuter.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get your answers as to what to do next.
Keeping you in my prayers.