It's been six months since I birthed and held my darling daughter.
Six months since I said goodbye.
Half of a year feels like such a large amount of time. Yet, it still feels like I lost her just days ago.
I still can't believe it happened. I still replay the event in my head over and over again everyday.
I still wish things turned out differently.
I still think about all of the things I should be doing had Ella come home with us. You know... like buying her first Halloween costume and getting ready for fall and the holidays.
My heart still drops every time I pass a pregnant woman or a mom with a stroller.
I still very much want to tell EVERYBODY I meet that I am a mother too.
I still have not hung out with any of my friends who are currently pregnant or have new babies.
I've progressed in some ways since March. I don't sit around on the couch numb for days on end. I'm working now. I've been subbing quite a bit. And, I just got a new job teaching two days a week at a school near my home. I'm working as a math intervention teacher, so I'm working with small groups of children. It really is a dream job. I'm grateful for the opportunity. I am able to smile and act professionally. But, still, in the back of my mind, I know that I shouldn't be there. I should be home with Ella.
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I wish our babies with with all of us, I wish we didn't have to refer to them as angels, I wish we were gearing up for the Holidays with brighter outcomes, I wish you peace in your heart, and I wish and hope our babies are playing in the clouds together. You have come a long way, strides hon. We walk this bumpy road together, and I will always hold your hand if you ask me to. They are forever in our hearts, we love them everyday, and we ARE Moms! I will light a candle in Ella's honor today. Love, Nan xo
ReplyDeleteOh my dear friend, the 6 month mark. My heart goes out to you. I so wish sweet Ella was here with you.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs.
Each month that goes by is bittersweet. In the beginning the pain is so raw and as the days go by we find our new normal...but, new normal still sucks. Its been 13 months since I lost Lily and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how life could be different...how I wish I were dressing her up as a ladybug for halloween.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) and I hope you are able to feel some peace today..
oh Bree...how I wish things could be different for all of us. I understand what you mean about hanging out with your pregnant friends. I did hang out with a pregnant friend once since I lost Jonathan, but avoided her shower....too painful. I don't know if you are experiancing this, but they don't understand why we are staying away. They don't realize how painful it is to be reminded that they have what you want so desparately. *hugs* Sending thoughts for peace during this time.
ReplyDeleteA long time but yet a short time. Thinking of you today.
ReplyDeleteBree...I know how difficult these milestones are for us angel baby momma's. Your feelings are 100% justified. I wish I could turn back time and put sweet Ella in your arms, alive and well. I also feel like I am doing "better." Not as the old Kate...but as the new me. The me that misses our daughter every moment, but is managing the grief. It's a path filled with uncertainty and pain...but I am thankful we found each other on this journey. Sending you light and love Bree. Ella is in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Holly above, I was just talking about the very same thing with my mom earlier..seems like just yesterday and a life time ago all at once..
ReplyDeleteI did dress my Ella up last year, she was a new born and I remember saying how I was so excited for NEXT Halloween because there were such cute costumes for toddlers.. I had no clue at that time what was right around the corner..anyway..some babies are just too precious for this world..sending hugs and good thoughts today!
love to you, Bree xxx
ReplyDeleteI really wish Ella was here today with us. Perhaps we both would have met in a day care or a park with our kids. It is so very sad that we had to meet as grieving parents at empty cradles.
ReplyDeleteThinking of Ella and sending you much love.
I'm thinking of you and Ella today, Bree. I wish that she was here with you. Big hugs and lots of prayers for you.
ReplyDeleteI'll just say again Bree, that I wish I didn't know you. It would mean you'd have your baby and I'd have mine. I consider our friendship a very good consolation prize, but I know if the choice were there, our babies would be here with us instead.
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry that you have to give up cupcakes as well. Life just sucks. The new normal sucks...I agree with PP. I am glad we are all part of our new normal though - otherwise it would be so much more lonely.
Tomorrow will be 6 months since my last ultrasound. You are right, I can not believe it has been 6 months.
For me it has only been 4 months, but I know what you mean. For the rest of the world, a lot of time is passing, but for us who are grieving our babies, in many ways time stands still. We are moving forward, but at a slower pace. Just keep taking it one step at a time! Thinking of you, Bree, and sweet little Ella.
ReplyDeleteDear sweet Bree, today I pray that you found some peace. Each month that goes by is for us empty time. But, we still try to take each day a day at a time.
ReplyDeleteWishing Ella was here with you.
Bree I am so sorry Ella is not here with you. You should be home with her and not working. I wish the same for myself and for all of us who have suffered this horrible loss. Thinking of you and your sweet Ella. xx
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are not holding Ella in your hands, though you are in your heart. Your pain is one I cannot imagine, but I continue to send thoughts of hope and peace to you.
ReplyDeleteVery glad you have a new job that you like!
Thinking of your family...