I learned of my shadow baby today. It's a boy. The news was delivered to me via a nine year old girl. I think if the news were broke to me by anyone else, I would have been very angry. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I heard it was a boy. People in my real life don't seem to get why that matters to me. Honestly, I don't even truly know why it makes a difference, but it does. Maybe because I was supposed to have a daughter here in my arms, so I don't want anyone else to have that. Maybe because she really wanted a girl. I'm still sad and still angry. Angry that other people get to go on living and have their happy, healthy babies and I do not. Angry that I didn't get to announce the arrival of my healthy baby. Instead I had to send out a text that my beautiful daughter was born, but didn't live. Angry that I left the hospital with empty arms. My husband asked me today if I sometimes wish bad things would happen to other's babies. My answer was, yes. Sometimes. Sometimes, I do wish that others knew the desperate pain of losing a child.
Today, another blogger wrote about losing a dear friend who is currently pregnant. I know that I have lost/am losing friends because I cannot accept their pregnancies/babies. For friends that do not get this. I ask them to imagine planning and anticipating one of the greatest joys of life. Imagine giving birth, and instead of hearing your baby take its first breath, you're told that they're not alive. You will never see your baby look up at you. You will never know the color of their eyes. Imagine handing your baby over knowing that is the last time you'll ever lay eyes on them. Imagine being asked to fill out mortuary paperwork instead of a birth certificate. Imagine being rolled out of the labor and delivery ward, the only one without a baby in her arms. It's a heartwrenching, devastatingly screwed up process.
If only I could move to a deserted island.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
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I understand what you are saying. It is so hard to hear of and see these babies in our lives. The teacher at school that I shared a due date with delived about a month ago. It was very hard to hear her news and she did have a girl. She has not yet returned to work, but I am afraid of her return...of all that it will bring back for me. Thinking of you and your sweet Ella. xx
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you on this post. I hate harboring that hateful wish yet here it is. I wobder what kind of a person Im becoming who thinks this way but then I remind myself of all Ive been thru and Ive got 2 cut myself some slack. I dont or couldnt really mean it Im just tired of dealing w/ this on my own and want them to understand. Ur so not alone in that. *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteHugsssssss Bree. Sunil is unable to be around any kid. We do have a hard time too.
ReplyDeleteBree this process has twisted us all. I feel so ugly inside when my friends talk about their babies. I really could do without the updates at times. I don't update them about how last night I only slept for two hours because I am still having a hard time sleeping. I don't say, "Oh yeah five minutes ago I was in tears missing my son."
ReplyDeleteYeah I have become very angry.
I hate that too.
I definitely get you being relieved it was a boy instead of a girl. It's harder to hear of and see little girls.
ReplyDeleteBree, I can understand the relief you felt as its so much easier for me to hear of people having little girls then little boys as you may be seeing in my blog. *hugs* People just don't get it and the sad part is they don't even try especially pregnant friends. Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs. I am feeling your pain.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) and you're right only WE understand...the hospital put me on a miscellaneous floor to try to make it easier for me but really would anything help? I went to the hospital pregnant and within 6 hours she was gone...
ReplyDeletefor me I am not sure if I would want a girl more then a boy. I know really it does not matter all we want is our baby, does not matter if its a boy or girl....we want the one we lost. I know how you feel....But I still don't know I would choose a girl over a boy. At this point right now I just want to be pregnant again. I am sure we all do......
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean - while I pray for the safety of each of my friends' pregnancies, I pray that their babies are boys and that they realize how amazing that gift is.
ReplyDelete(((Hugs))) It's hard to not have our babies with us. I have other children but my heart pains when I see babies the age of my George. The kinder teacher at our old school was due the same day as me and had a healthy third boy. The school announced her birth, the death of a young mother at our school, and made no mention of our George. I felt physically ill when I read the notice and we didn't even get a mention. At the new school, the grade one teacher was due around the same time. We'd compared tummies and then ended up on the L&D ward - me with my children coming to hold their dead baby brother while she laboured to have a healthy boy. While I'm happy for them, and am blessed with other children, it hurts. I'm so sorry that you lost your baby. xo
ReplyDeleteI know. I know what you mean I know what you feel. I too have lost friends, friends who have all of their children, who have not even suffered a miscarriage. I hate to admit that I wish that upon people too just so they know the pain that I feel and how hard it is to not be able to just "get over it" like they think I should. It is a hard and cruel life that we live daily Bree, I wish we didn't have to live it.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you always. *hugs*
I want to copy what you wrote (change a few details), and e-mail it out to friends and family who suck.
ReplyDeleteAnd about the boy versus girl thing, I SO get it. Though I feel the opposite as I lost 2 boys. One of my closest friends and I were preggo and due together...and due on the SAME day when I was preggo with E. We were supposed to do it all together. Then I lost E. She found out it was a girl. I was SO happy...happy that she got her little girl, but so happy that she wasn't having a boy. It was already bad enough that when I looked at her I just wanted to cry, when I saw her facebook staus and pictures I just wanted to crumble...but if she had had a boy? It would have killed me. I too can relate. I know to others looking in it may not make sense...but its my life, my reality.
*hugs(
I used to torture myself because I harbored such awful thoughts. My friend got pregnant after I lose E and I so wanted something awful to happen. I was so disgusted with myself and thought that God would punish me again for those thoughts (even though I stopped believing in a God). I realize it is a normal part of grief. I did not want anyone to feel any happiness when I was in the depths of despair. I am now struggling with the fact that my SIL is pregnant and it is a boy most likely. I was having a boy. I was supposed to have the first Grandson. It just all feels unfair. My thoughts are with you. It is awful but I do know that each day gets a bit easier. Each day I wake up and feel less like I am going to fall apart.
ReplyDeleteSuch gut wrencing honest words. To put those thoughts into words took alot of courage and strength. Sometimes I wish I could be that honest.
ReplyDeleteWow, your words express exactly how I feel everyday. I can't rejoice for my coworkers or family members who have become pregnant and have had healthy living babies. I hate that I am so bitter and angry about their pregnancies. I don't like who I have become, but I just can't help it. I have to say that these horrible feelings have gotten better over time, but they are still there. I want to go back to the positive, optimistic and caring person I used to be before my son passed away.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.