4am Bullet Points

I write here to preserve the few precious memories I have of my daughter. I also write here to quiet my mind; to stop the thoughts that race and perseverate in my head. I write here because there are so many things that I am not brave enough to say out loud in my real life.

1. Yes, it's been 10 months since she died. And, yes I am pregnant again. But, I am still in the thick of the grief process. I still have crying fits, still want to punch walls, still want to make every conversation about her. She is on the forefront of my mind no matter what I am doing. I'd still give anything to have her back.

2. I've been insecure for as long as I can remember. I've always felt less than everyone else. Growing up I had anxiety (still do) and struggled with eating disorders. Seeing my body fail me, watching my perfectly healthy child die as a result, and feeling unable to produce a living child exacerbate and validate those feelings.

3. Just because I am pregnant again doesn't mean I'm okay with seeing/hearing about babies. I'm still very uncomfortable in social situations. I'm still not okay with hearing my friends talk about their babies or share the trials of motherhood.It hurts. I'm a mother, but I can't relate. I would give anything to be in their shoes. I don't really have very many friends. I know saying this out loud probably alienates the few I have left. But, it's truth.

4. I still can't look at baby stuff. While at 20 weeks, most people can start planning on bringing their babies home, I'm not there yet. I purchased two beautiful hair bows after finding out this baby is a girl. I made that purchase, 1. because I wanted to have one moment where I felt normal. One moment where I made a purchase and didn't worry about whether an actual baby would wear them or not. 2. because I wanted to have something I purchased special for this child. I still have all of Ella's things out and hanging in my closet and I wanted to have something to remember this pregnancy/baby by, just in case.

5. I don't like it when people ignore my feelings and tell me that I need to be positive. I don't think vocalizing my fears will kill this baby (my shitty cervix and my body's tendency to go into PTL will). But, I also don't like it when people say things like, "if this baby lives," "if you have another daughter." It is okay for me to say things like this, but I need others to be positive for me. Does that make sense?

6. Sometimes I think about what it will be like if this baby dies. I wonder if I'll put her ashes into Ella's urn or if I'll have to purchase a new one. My husband says this is it. If this does not work out, we're done trying to have babies. I am so scared that losing this baby would mean the end of my dream of becoming a mother. Yes, there's adoption. But, that can take forever and doesn't always work out either.

7. I posted this picture of Ella on my facebook (and, I'm posting it here again because I freaking love it). 99% of the people who commented on it were baby lost mamas. My feelings were really hurt. I hate facebook.