Reborns

When I was pregnant with Ella, I remember watching this story on Dateline. It was a story about women who carry these $4,000 baby dolls around like their live babies. I remember chuckling a bit when I saw the story. But, I also remember thinking that these women must have been traumatized in some manner to dress these babies, strap them in carseats, push them in strollers... I felt sad for them. Well, fast foward a couple of months and here I am, I am one of those women. Seriously. These dolls were made for women like me. Like us. If I had huge sums of money, I would consider getting one. But, really, if I had huge sums of money, I'd rather spend it on fertility treatments, surrogacy, or adoption.

What I've Been Up To

A couple of my faithful blog followers commented that I haven't been around (online) much this week(though, maybe they haven't switched over to my new blog). So I decided to post with what I've been up to. Warning: It's nothing exciting.

I resigned from my teaching position on Monday. Even though it's what I wanted and needed, I'm still a little sad. It was depressing packing up all of my things in my classroom. I'm also worried about whether I'll get enough subbing and tutoring jobs to make ends meet. One school district I called said they have over 700 subs on their list. I've created business cards and am working on a new blog where my tutees can come and learn about me, ask questions, ect... I'm calling myself "The Traveling Teacher."

I've been busy this week with appointments. I saw a new therapist yesterday. I may like her. I'm not sure yet. I liked my last therapist the first time too. I had acupuncture today. I love my acupuncturist. I've had my share of spa treatments, and my acupuncture sessions go above and beyond any treatment I've ever had. Tomorrow, I'm off to the dentist and to have tb test done for substitute teaching. Then, I have my follicle ultrasound on Monday morning. Let's hear it for 1 big, beautiful follie.

I'm still trying to be good with my diet (hate calling it a diet- more of a lifestyle). Still trying to eat an egg every day because my acupuncturist says if you want to have good eggs, eat eggs. Chinese rule, I guess. I've added flaxseed to my regimen too. Flaxseed is supposed to balance hormone levels in women. Other items I'm eating every day are Greek yogurt, an avocado, walnuts, and green tea. I guess if this lifestyle doesn't bring me a baby, at least I'll be healthy.

I started reading "The Time Traveler's Wife." I like it, but have had to reread sections several times. Is it just me or is it a little hard to follow? Maybe after I get farther into it, I'll get the whole going back and forth thing.

What's been going on with you?

A Move, Misery, and A Blanket

I moved. I'd been thinking about moving my blog for a while. In fact, I'm still thinking about making the change to Wordpress. I love that you can password protect certain posts should you be so inclined to do so. But, for now, I feel a little safer here (though, I've googled the title of my blog and I show up in sorts of places- on my old blog, on other blogs, but not here, yet...). A while ago, I made the choice to invite some of the people in my real life to view my blog. My reasoning for this was that I wanted them to understand what this whole screwed up process is really about. Anyway, I've had mostly good responses from them. I've been a little disappointed at times because I've invited people to read and they don't (or they don't tell me they're reading). There's also been times when my IRLs have wanted to talk about something I wrote on my blog and I just don't want to (you know, the whole it's easy to write it on your blog, but not easy to say it out loud). Well, last week, some of the things that I had been saying on my blog in regards to my work came back to bite me in the behind. I knew this would happen. In fact, it's not really that big of a deal because I've decided to not return to my job. But, I was quite angry because the person that was calling me out on what I was saying has been telling me for months that she only wants to be there for me as a friend. I feel like she was holding the things I said against me and that's not fair. I've been through so much shit and have every right to say what's on my mind here. No one has the right to challenge the way I'm feeling. I felt violated. I felt unsafe and decided to make the move.

I've been miserable this week. I don't feel happy. My days lack joy. I feel like a zombie walking through the necessary steps of living each day. We are just about to hit the five month mark. I'd say up until last week, the hope I had for living baby pulled me through each day. Now, that that's been taken from me, I just don't know what to do.

I had such a strong vibe that I would conceive in July. And I did. As soon as I saw the two pink lines, I knew it wouldn't stick. And it didn't. Now, I am not feeling anything. I don't have any strong vibes about anything other than I'm not going to have a living baby in my arms for a very long time. I know that living for the possiblity of bringing a healthy baby into the world is not any way to live. I don't want my life to revolve around this, but what can you do?

By the way, I've decided to proceed with another cycle of Clomid + Estrace + Progesterone. But, this month, I'm not taking any hpts. If my period is late, I will just call my doctor and request a beta. I'm not putting myself through that torture again. Nor do I have the cash to keep buying hpts.



I've been sleeping with the blanket Ella was wrapped in at birth since I came home from the hospital. Sadly, the blanket is getting dingy and could use a washing. Part of me wants to wash it and put it away for safe keeping, before it gets ruined. Another part of me wonders what good it will do when I have the blanket sitting in my closet 20 years from now. Maybe I should just keep using the blanket as my comfort item until it completely falls apart. I actually have another blanket of hers, the blanket she was wrapped in after the nurse dressed her. I've been keeping that one safely in my closet. But, this one, the one I sleep with is the one that means the most to me. It is the one that touched Ella's skin.

I'm sorry for the downer post. I wish I had something positive or enlightening to say. I want to help others like me, I want to inspire others to feel positive and hopeful. But, I'm just not there yet.

What To Do...

I know this is my second post today, but my mind is racing- even after a Xanex. I'm trying to decide how to proceed with this next cycle. Here is what I'm considering:

Option 1: Do nothing and just see what happens

Option 2: Another round of Clomid + Estrace

Option 3: Option 2 + Progesterone Cream

I'm really at a loss here. Ella was conceived naturally. However, I had been off the pill for over a year and was dealing with irregular menstrual cycles. About 45 days before conception, I had surgery to remove a large cyst from my right ovary and during the procedure my doctor also did a tubal levage. I think that helped things quite a bit. We used option 1 the first month of trying after losing Ella and I didn't ovulate. Clomid + Estrace helped me to get conceive this month, however it wasn't a viable pregnancy. A couple of people have asked me what Estrace does. It is my understanding that it helps improve the quality of the cervical mucus and build up the uterine lining since Clomid tends to inhibit both of these things. My doctor believes that I don't really need progesterone since I didn't use it with Ella, but is comfortable with me using it if it makes me feel better. However, my insurance only covers generics, so it costs $174 per cycle. Anyone out there use a different, cheaper form of progesterone. Wow, I get overwhelmed re-reading this junk. I'm sorry. But, I'd love any input here.

I also took the plunge today and sent an email to my bosses at work pleading to move to a part-time position. This move would mean way less money, but I really think it would be ideal for my well-being right now. I'm not really sure what will come of it. I may just end up returning to my previous position on August 24th.

And... during my craziness this morning, I deleted my facebook account. I never have anything other than negative things to report on my status and I'm so tired of reading about everyone's pregnancies and children. It's just too hard on me right now.

Another Loss

Well... I was pregnant again... for a few whole days, at least. I started having crazy symptoms about 7 days past ovulation. My boobs hurt, I felt congested, I was sleepy, making frequent trips to the bathroom, I had to eat every two hours or I'd feel nauseous... The first test I took on Thursday was faintly positive. Knowing that the line was faint, I tried not to get too excited. Heck, even if the line was dark I wasn't going to get too excited. I tested again on Friday and the line was still faint, but darker. I called my OB and she was excited. She told me "a line is a line." She told me I could come in for a Beta test on Thursday and then again 96 hours later on Monday. I guess I started to get a little excited. I still thought, this one could not stick, I could lose it tomorrow, a month from now, twenty weeks from now, I could lose it full-term. But, I still got excited. Excited at the chance to try again. Excited that the universe brought me a baby without having to try for too long. Excited that the universe brought us the baby at a perfect time, right before I had gone back to work full-time. Well, yesterday's test was negative. Then, I woke up this morning bleeding. A fucking chemical pregnancy. Great. What the hell went wrong? Was it because I was on my feet way too much last week? Was it because I was so stressed out? Was it because I snuck a half-caf coffee one morning last week? When will the universe stop punishing me? Why do I allow myself to have faith and hope when I've just been shot down so many times. Why does it feel like good things are happening to everyone, but me? Because if this is it, if this is my life's path, I'm done. I don't want to keep trying for a baby. I don't want to live in this messed up universe.

This is random (again...). I just saw that pregnancy loss awareness day is October 15th. Ella was conceived October 15th. Was her life doomed from the beginning?

Abstract Oil Painting

Well, I had a chat with my doctor this afternoon. She lovingly told me that she thinks I'm not getting any better, that I'm getting worse. She pleaded with me to set a simultaneous goal because I'm just putting too much into trying to conceive. I told her that I've been wanting to plan a vacation so that I have something to look forward to and that I've also been wanting to start the adoption process. I'm sure she thought I was absolutely crazy because she said, "Bree, I was thinking something more like abstract oil painting." I love this woman and totally get what she is saying. But, I just don't know how to put my energy into anything else. Not when I was so close to having a living baby in my arms.

A Similar Post

I've been tagged by both Jasper's Mommy and Maxton's Mommy. This post is very similar to my last, but the teacher in me wants to follow directions and play along. It was difficult trying to come up with six items that weren't on my "love" list.

6 Things That Make Me Happy:

1. Ella's feet and handprints

2. Writing Ella's name in the sand at the beach

3. Seeing my cat and dog waiting at the door when I get home

4. French fries

5. Talking on the phone to my nephews. They are six, three, and one. They are so silly and make me laugh.

6. DH's smile

I invite you all my blog buddies to play along. It feels good to focus on the things that make me happy.