Dying: Edited

I have my third infection in six weeks. I am waiting for the results of the culture to determine what my fifth round of antibiotics will be. This is some scary shit. My doctor said today, she won't treat contractions until 24 weeks. WTF? She treated me at 22 with Ella. Not that it worked. I feel like I'm just waiting around until I lose this baby. I hate this. I hate that I'm surrounded by so many people who have children or are on their way to having healthy, living babies. What have I done to deserve this?If I lose this baby, I don't want to live through it. There is no way I can hold my dead baby again, bury her, and go through life watching everyone else have babies. I just won't live that life. I won't.

**EDIT: I love and adore my OB. I do truly believe in her ability to get me through this. She takes my calls and answers my texts/emails nights and weekends. She even said she'd see me in her office everyday if I want/need to. She's the one that offerred to put me on disability at 16 weeks just to ease my mind. My peri said he'd treat contractions at 21-22 weeks. Hopefully, once I get these infections under control, I won't need any contraction medication. Can you tell I'm feeling a bit better now? Just have to make it to 10am tomorrow (my dr. appt).

4am Bullet Points

I write here to preserve the few precious memories I have of my daughter. I also write here to quiet my mind; to stop the thoughts that race and perseverate in my head. I write here because there are so many things that I am not brave enough to say out loud in my real life.

1. Yes, it's been 10 months since she died. And, yes I am pregnant again. But, I am still in the thick of the grief process. I still have crying fits, still want to punch walls, still want to make every conversation about her. She is on the forefront of my mind no matter what I am doing. I'd still give anything to have her back.

2. I've been insecure for as long as I can remember. I've always felt less than everyone else. Growing up I had anxiety (still do) and struggled with eating disorders. Seeing my body fail me, watching my perfectly healthy child die as a result, and feeling unable to produce a living child exacerbate and validate those feelings.

3. Just because I am pregnant again doesn't mean I'm okay with seeing/hearing about babies. I'm still very uncomfortable in social situations. I'm still not okay with hearing my friends talk about their babies or share the trials of motherhood.It hurts. I'm a mother, but I can't relate. I would give anything to be in their shoes. I don't really have very many friends. I know saying this out loud probably alienates the few I have left. But, it's truth.

4. I still can't look at baby stuff. While at 20 weeks, most people can start planning on bringing their babies home, I'm not there yet. I purchased two beautiful hair bows after finding out this baby is a girl. I made that purchase, 1. because I wanted to have one moment where I felt normal. One moment where I made a purchase and didn't worry about whether an actual baby would wear them or not. 2. because I wanted to have something I purchased special for this child. I still have all of Ella's things out and hanging in my closet and I wanted to have something to remember this pregnancy/baby by, just in case.

5. I don't like it when people ignore my feelings and tell me that I need to be positive. I don't think vocalizing my fears will kill this baby (my shitty cervix and my body's tendency to go into PTL will). But, I also don't like it when people say things like, "if this baby lives," "if you have another daughter." It is okay for me to say things like this, but I need others to be positive for me. Does that make sense?

6. Sometimes I think about what it will be like if this baby dies. I wonder if I'll put her ashes into Ella's urn or if I'll have to purchase a new one. My husband says this is it. If this does not work out, we're done trying to have babies. I am so scared that losing this baby would mean the end of my dream of becoming a mother. Yes, there's adoption. But, that can take forever and doesn't always work out either.

7. I posted this picture of Ella on my facebook (and, I'm posting it here again because I freaking love it). 99% of the people who commented on it were baby lost mamas. My feelings were really hurt. I hate facebook.

Thank You, Lisa!

Thank you to Lisa, Jasper's Mom for taking these beautiful photos of Ella's name. xoxo

I'm in a horrible blogging slump. Brain isn't capable of much more than reading updates on facebook and watching repeat episodes of The J.ersey S.hore. Just when I start feeling postive about this pregnancy, I get knocked back down and fall into a deep depression. But, I'm hanging in there. We have our 20 week scan this Tuesday. I'm looking forward to it. Though, I'm super anxious. Even though I see this baby via ultrasound once, sometimes twice a week, I do not know how her organs are developing. Please universe, let her be healthy! We lost Ella just two weeks after her 20 week scan. It's all too much to imagine it happening again. I may exhale a bit when I pass the point we lost her.

Ella's Forever Remembered Collage

Shout out to my friend, Jess for creating this beautiful masterpiece in honor of Ella, and her children, Jonathan and Little One. I can feel the love the she put into this. It never fails that when I'm having a really bad day, something like this comes my way. I can only hope I've been able to do that for a few of you. Admire more of Jessica's work here.

** I've misplaced list of butterflies to be made. Here are the babies I remember from memory. If you don't see your baby's name here. Please leave me a comment. :)
Alexander
Alexandra
Finn and Flicka
Lauren Samantha
Juanito
Faith Anne
Robbie
Hope

Normal

I'm tired of feeling like a freak. I don't want to be a mom to a dead baby. I am losing faith in my body's abiliity to carry a baby to a stage where she'll live. I hate the way people look at me when I enter my doctor's office for the third time in one week. I hate that people think this is my first pregnancy and disregard my status as a mother. I want to belong. I want to feel normal. I want to be like everyone else. Thank God for this community, my haven, the only place I feel a sense of belonging.

Blog Delurking Week

Did you know that it's Blog Delurking Week? I didn't either. But, according to this blog and this blog, it is! I lurk on both of those blogs, by the way. Funny because I was thinking about doing a post where I ask all of the readers of this blog to come out from behind the computer screen and introduce themselves. Suprisingly, I have over 100 followers now and I haven't had the pleasure of "meeting" all of you. So, come on, leave me a comment. I can't wait to hear from you!

Gonna cut this short. Hot pasta and french fries await me.

Anxiety About Anxiety

If one more person tells me that my anxieties will have effects on the baby, I'm going to effing scream. It's so easy to tell someone to relax and be positive when you've never had to walk in their shoes. A person with a dead baby would be the last person to intentionally do things to hurt their baby. For me, anxiety is not a choice. It just is. I didn't know it were possible to have anxiety about anxiety.

The winner this week? "You don't have anxiety. Just push it out." Screw you MIL!

I have so much to be anxious about this week. Sadly, I cannot fully share yet because I've been too lazy to fully set up my new blog and I fear the horrid woman formerly known as my mother could still be reading.