Checking In Miscellany

Today its been a month since I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor and three weeks since I was discharged. I never thought I'd make it a whole month back then. Everyday I've wanted to post and check in, but I've been lazy. I still can't get my mind to function properly. I feel like I've been saying that for eight months. I'm sure it's a combination of depression, pregnancy, and my brain turning to mush after many days of bedrest. Despite being on confined to bed, we have a lot going on. Husband is finishing up his PhD, we're planning for a baby (yes, finally- little by little- thank goodness for the internet), and in the beginning phases of orchestrating a big move later this summer. I am looking forward to when I can become a bit more mobile and am able to physically help out more.



You can see that husband is keeping me well fed. Here's Nora and I about a week and a half ago at 30 weeks. This was a special day for me because I got to wear the maternity shirt that I purchased when I was about 14 weeks along with Ella. I never got big enough to wear it during her pregnancy and its been sitting in my closet mocking me since. I had a doctor's appointment this day and decided I better hurry up and wear it before I'm not pregnant anymore. Check out my adorable kitty posing in the background.

We had a rather large earthquake (7.2) here on Easter Sunday. Most people who know me in real life know I absolutely hate earthquakes. I know. I know. I live in the wrong state for someone who hates quakes. My nerves have been a bit rattled with all of the aftershocks, too (as if the contractions weren't enough). Immediately after the initial quake, I asked husband if he thought Ella was okay. Now, I know that wherever she is, she is safe. But, I still had an irrational freak out. I wanted her here with us. Part of me wishes I could have turned her little body into a doll. I want to hold her and study her face again. Thank you to these special mamas for remembering Ella that day.


Thank you to Taryn, Alexander's mom for thinking of Ella while dying her Easter eggs this year. :) I'm looking forward to coloring eggs next year with both of my girls' names on them.


Thank you to Michelle, Juanito's mom for this adorable photo. Michelle must have spent her entire day taking these photos for so many of us. Such a wonderful tribute to Juanito.

I am 31.1 weeks pregnant today. I am hoping and praying to make it another week. We have a growth ultrasound scheduled for next Friday. After 32 weeks, my goal is to make it to 34 (apparently I get a little more freedom then). And, finally if I can make it to 36 weeks, I will have my cerclage removed. The finish line is definitely in sight and I'm just hoping that there are no detours before I get there.

Ella Pictures and Butterfly Update

Being in the hospital and thinking about giving birth again has me really missing Ella these last few weeks. It means so much that you all are still remembering my sweet baby with me.


From Jaime, Claire's mom at Indelible Ice Images. These came while I was in the hospital and really lifted my spirits. Thank you so much, Jaime!




Sunshine's mom, Kathy sent these to me this morning. She remembered my affinity for hearts while creating this for Ella. Thank you so much, Kathy!




Lily and Cooper's mom, Jen sent this to me today. It was taken at the Georgia Aquarium. I've wanted to go there since I learned that they offer yoga classes with their beluga whales. You're the best Jen! Thank you!

Since I went on modified bedrest at 20 weeks, I've been getting further and further behind with Ella's butterflies. When I was in the hospital last week, I had a couple of requests. I've decided to list the current names I have on my list. Please let me know if I missed your request (or just forgot to write it down), or if you'd like your child's name added to the list.
Lily Katherine
Christian
Eliana Hope

Week Recap

Everyone who's been reading this blog, knows I've been complaining of cramping and contractions since I had my cerclage back in December. Despite those symptoms, things have always looked good at my weekly appointments. The contractions started to increase significantly around 25 weeks, but both of my doctors kept telling me it was normal. I had been feeling crappy last week and had been contemplating a trip to L&D, so when I discovered that I was bleeding on Friday afternoon, I went to get it checked out.

When I got to the hospital, my cervix was still measuring in the high 3's, but the monitors showed that I was clearly contracting and that Nora's heartbeat was decelerating a bit. I was given my first dose of terbutaline and told that I'd be clear to go home after the effects of it wore off. My uterus felt as calm as it ever felt (of course, the rest of me was shaking), but after about 40 minutes things picked back up again. Thankfully, the doctors decided to check my cervix one more time. In less than an hour, my cervix had completely funnelled to the stitch and was measuring about 2cm. At that point, the plan was to admit me and start indocin and a course of steroids (ouch-ouch-ouch). Before I could have the steroids, I had to take the gestational diabetes test. I had actually been looking forward to this milestone. But, this wasn't the way I wanted to meet it. Based on the way I'd been feeling this past month, I wasn't surprised when I failed the test. So, in addition to continuous toco and fetal monitoring (which I loved), I was pricked after each meal (which i hated). When I saw my perinatologist on Sunday, he told me that no matter what they'd hold me in the hospital until 28 weeks.

I definitely had my ups and downs this week. We were visited by the NICU team twice. They stayed with us almost an hour the first visit and tried to map out the entire process for us. DH and I started reading What to do When Your Baby is Premature as soon as we could get our hands on a copy (thanks, Jen). I also had a couple of points of just deep depression. I got a little lonely in there, but at the same time started to feel batty when people were rushing in and out of my room every five minutes (thankfully, i discovered the do not disturb sign on day 3). I also struggled with the fact that I didn't have access to the foods I wanted whenever I wanted. Which got a little better when they placed a fridge in my room. I looked forward to little things like a hot shower everyday and hearing Nora's heartbeat for an entire hour, three times a day. I'd always turn off the tv and not take any phone calls during that time. I even tried to make a video of it.

I was expecting to be in the hospital until Friday. So, I was a bit shocked when the doctor came in and told me they were going to try to release me yesterday. I had a speculum exam (ouch- is it just me or do those hurt more the further along you are?) and was told that there wasn't any tension on my stitch and that they couldn't see my bag of water. Therefore, there wasn't really anything else to do. I was being sent home. I thought I'd throw and fit and refuse to go home. But, by that time I was actually ready to come home.

It's nice to be home with my own things. My cat makes the perfect bedrest buddy. And, when DH brings me food, the dog appears out of nowhere for a visit. My immediate goal is 30 weeks. I know in my heart I'm going to have her soon. There are times when I cannot even walk because I feel so much pressure. It's saddening to me to know that she won't be inside me much longer. I'd share my space with her forever if I could. Especially if it meant that she'd live. I'm not even counting days, I'm telling myself if I can make it to my next doctor's appt (Tuesday) without cancelling, then I'll be happy (even though I have to complete the 3 hour GD test, then). Today I purchased a few nursing items online. I still have yet to allow myself to make any purchases for Nora (other than a few outfits here and there). I figure even when/if she comes early, she still won't need anything until June anyway, so we have time. It would just be nice to be able to plan and nest like a normal person.

So, if you made it through this entire post, you'll be rewarded with some pictures. I never thought I'd be posting this scary picture of myself. I think all of my weight gain has gone to my face. But, I think they will be fun to look back at and show Nora someday. She is so loved and so wanted and we are willing to do anything to ensure she arrives safely.




This is the hat I feverently knitted this week. I started freaking out that everything I've knitted thus far would be too big. Hopefully, she won't fit in this one either.


My bedrest buddy. Good to be home!

Nora Update

Many of you already know that I was admitted to the hospital last Friday at 27.1 weeks. Thank you for all of your blog posts, good vibes, and messages via facebook. Facebook seems to be the easiest way for me to update, just because It's too much for me to compose everything into a post right now. I'm in preterm labor- exactly what happened with Ella. However, the positive side is that I've made it 5 more weeks than Ella's gestation and right now i'm stable (fingers crossed). Hoping, hoping, hoping for many more weeks of pregnancy. If anyone wants to read my updates on facebook, just send me an email- briannemeg@yahoo.com. I'm working on a Nora blog, as well. When she is born, I plan to share info and pics of her on a private blog. Of course, if you a a lbm reader of this blog, you will be invited. Love to you all!

Happy 1st Birthday, Ella!

My heart was full yesterday. So many people were remembering Ella with us and that felt good. Thank you for helping to make Ella's 1st Birthday extra special. xoxo

On Sunday, we delivered these hand print kits to the hospital where Ella was born. I enjoyed a nice visit with the wonderful nurse who cared for me during Ella's delivery. On our way out, DH and I released a butterfly in the hospital's courtyard.



About a month ago, I wrote to the Butterflies and Prayers Organization to inquire about receiving a couple of butterflies to release on Ella's birthday. I was matched up with a local farmer who doesn't live too far from my house. This local farmer just so happened to be baby loss mama, as well. Kathie lost her son, Chase about 9 years ago. She was so sweet to me. She drove the butterflies over to a family member's house for me and even included a little butterfly bib for Nora in her package. The butterflies were so beautiful and made our day extra special. Thank you, Kathie!





My husband joked the other night that it's been a full time job bringing the mail in this week. Our table was overflowing with the cards and gifts we received for Ella.







We forgot to buy birthday candles, so DH made this candle. I was impressed!





My good friend Kathy made Ella her own batch of cupcakes. Aren't they darling? She even sent me a video of her daughter singing Happy Birthday and blowing out Ella's birthday candle.







I received so many email and facebook messages yesterday. Thank you everyone for thinking of us!


Thank you, Franchesca!


Thank you, Kelly!


xoxo, Kelly


Thank you, Monica!


Thank you, Kelli!


Thank you, Jess!

Checking In

It's been too, too long since my last real post. I know. I guess I'm taking for granted that I communicate with a lot of you via facebook now. I wanted to first thank, Franchesca for my beautiful blog makeover. Ella's birthday is Monday, which means I've been writing here for almost a year. So, I'm calling this a birthday makeover. Please visit Franchesca at Small Bird Studio if you are in need of a new look.

I'm planning a post for Ella's birthday Monday. But, until then. Here's what I've been up to in snippets.

The Good:

I turned 30! Husband and I really splurged and had a fabulous dinner. It sure was fun eating such rich, delicious food while wearing stretchy pants. When I was pregnant with Ella, I threatened to never go back to wearing real pants. That is under consideration, again.



I'm 26 weeks pregnant today! I recently added a little pregnancy widget to my sidebar. This little fetus says I have 98 days to go! This pic is actually a week old. Just like my blogging, I've been slacking on my belly shots. Mostly because I go days without showering/dressing. Sorry for all the junk in the background. I wanted to take the picture next to Ella's cupcake. Need to learn how to edit photos.



I received the most adorable note from my 6 year old nephew.


- me with baby (and a conehead)- too cute!


"Aunt Bree, I can't wait to see your baby."

I am looking forward to honoring Ella this weekend. I plan on donating some feet/hand print kits to the hospital for their memory box program. Husband and I are going to make some delicious cupcakes and will release a few butterflies. More on that in Ella's birthday post.

The Bad:

It's March. I despise March! I lost Ella on 3/15 and my father on 3/18. I am desperate to get out of March with Nora still tucked safely inside me.

I've started to have more contractions. I had my first visit to labor and delivery Monday. It looks like my cervix is shortening and starting to funnel a bit. Thankfully, the stitch doesn't look like it's being compromised, yet. I was seeing my doctor weekly, but will go twice weekly for a while. If my cervix gets below 2.5cm, they will hospitalize me and start me on anti-contracting meds and steroids. I am still not at the point where I believe that I will bring Nora home. I wish I felt safe, but I'm not there yet.

A wonderful woman who I met through this blog after she lost her son last April, lost her rainbow baby on February 25th at almost 28 weeks pregnant. Please send love out into the universe for Erin and her sweet baby, Allyson.

This is all too much. A dead father. A dead baby. Two impending anniversaries. A high risk pregnancy. It's a too much. Today is a day where I feel like I'm drowning.