So the last few days had been good to me. I had been feeling light, positive, even flashed a smile a couple of times. But this morning, I was thrown back into darkness. It may have something to do with the fact that I received an invite to a baby shower this morning. It may be because I stopped taking my antidepressants- AGAIN. It could be that Ella's due date is next week and the days leading up to that day feel so gloomy.
The first thing I did this morning was drive over to the school where I will be teaching a summer school class in a few weeks. I was hyperventilating a bit in the car. Another painful reminder that what should have been this month, is not. I heard a song playing on the radio that went something like this, "I held her first, I saw her first, from the first breath she breathed, to her first smile back at me." It is a song about a father giving his daughter away to be married. I hurt for my DH when I heard this song. I ached for my own dad to be resurrected from the dead.
I spent several hours google searching all of my aliments. AF still has not come for her monthly visit. It's been 40 freaking days. On top of that, my mind is playing tricks on me. I've been feeling crampy, nauseous, my boobs hurt, and I have to pee every five minutes. Numerous pregnancy tests confirm that I am not pregnant. I am desperate to just get my period so that we can have another chance at trying. Unfortunately, my doctor is making me wait two weeks from the last time we had intercourse to start taking meds to induce a period.
Last night I had a horrible dream. I dreamt that some friends of mine were mocking me for being so upset over my loss. One of them was saying that I didn't experience "real" childbirth because Ella was so early. I begged my husband to go and get Ella's pictures and her ashes so that I could show them. By the time he brought these items to me, my friends had left. When I woke up, I had an email from one of these friends requesting a get together. I am too upset over the dream to email her back right now. Yes, I know it was just a dream. But, I have been upset with this group of friends for some time now because they really haven't been there for me since Ella died. I even invited them to view my blog and they never responded. I wish I had the guts to straight out tell them that I felt abandoned by them. But, knowing me, I'll probably just ignore the email and that will be that.
I know one of my best friends is no longer reading my blog either. That upsets me too. I put myself out there and was willing to share my true feelings with certain people, but she must not understand that it was a privilege to be invited. At least if you're not going to read it, explain to me why. Don't just ignore it. I know she is not reading it because she hasn't responded to any of the posts. She didn't even comment on Ella's picture.
I'm just surviving, trying to get through the next few days leading up to Ella's day. I'm not sure how I want to spend that day. Part of me wants to make plans and another part of me wants to just see how I feel that day. I spend every second thinking about how I would probably be house bound right about now. I'd be too huge and uncomfortable to go anywhere. Who knows, she could have come early and I could have delivered this week.
I'm still devastated. Still sad. Still angry that my baby is not here with me.
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