What To Do...

I know this is my second post today, but my mind is racing- even after a Xanex. I'm trying to decide how to proceed with this next cycle. Here is what I'm considering:

Option 1: Do nothing and just see what happens

Option 2: Another round of Clomid + Estrace

Option 3: Option 2 + Progesterone Cream

I'm really at a loss here. Ella was conceived naturally. However, I had been off the pill for over a year and was dealing with irregular menstrual cycles. About 45 days before conception, I had surgery to remove a large cyst from my right ovary and during the procedure my doctor also did a tubal levage. I think that helped things quite a bit. We used option 1 the first month of trying after losing Ella and I didn't ovulate. Clomid + Estrace helped me to get conceive this month, however it wasn't a viable pregnancy. A couple of people have asked me what Estrace does. It is my understanding that it helps improve the quality of the cervical mucus and build up the uterine lining since Clomid tends to inhibit both of these things. My doctor believes that I don't really need progesterone since I didn't use it with Ella, but is comfortable with me using it if it makes me feel better. However, my insurance only covers generics, so it costs $174 per cycle. Anyone out there use a different, cheaper form of progesterone. Wow, I get overwhelmed re-reading this junk. I'm sorry. But, I'd love any input here.

I also took the plunge today and sent an email to my bosses at work pleading to move to a part-time position. This move would mean way less money, but I really think it would be ideal for my well-being right now. I'm not really sure what will come of it. I may just end up returning to my previous position on August 24th.

And... during my craziness this morning, I deleted my facebook account. I never have anything other than negative things to report on my status and I'm so tired of reading about everyone's pregnancies and children. It's just too hard on me right now.

Another Loss

Well... I was pregnant again... for a few whole days, at least. I started having crazy symptoms about 7 days past ovulation. My boobs hurt, I felt congested, I was sleepy, making frequent trips to the bathroom, I had to eat every two hours or I'd feel nauseous... The first test I took on Thursday was faintly positive. Knowing that the line was faint, I tried not to get too excited. Heck, even if the line was dark I wasn't going to get too excited. I tested again on Friday and the line was still faint, but darker. I called my OB and she was excited. She told me "a line is a line." She told me I could come in for a Beta test on Thursday and then again 96 hours later on Monday. I guess I started to get a little excited. I still thought, this one could not stick, I could lose it tomorrow, a month from now, twenty weeks from now, I could lose it full-term. But, I still got excited. Excited at the chance to try again. Excited that the universe brought me a baby without having to try for too long. Excited that the universe brought us the baby at a perfect time, right before I had gone back to work full-time. Well, yesterday's test was negative. Then, I woke up this morning bleeding. A fucking chemical pregnancy. Great. What the hell went wrong? Was it because I was on my feet way too much last week? Was it because I was so stressed out? Was it because I snuck a half-caf coffee one morning last week? When will the universe stop punishing me? Why do I allow myself to have faith and hope when I've just been shot down so many times. Why does it feel like good things are happening to everyone, but me? Because if this is it, if this is my life's path, I'm done. I don't want to keep trying for a baby. I don't want to live in this messed up universe.

This is random (again...). I just saw that pregnancy loss awareness day is October 15th. Ella was conceived October 15th. Was her life doomed from the beginning?

Abstract Oil Painting

Well, I had a chat with my doctor this afternoon. She lovingly told me that she thinks I'm not getting any better, that I'm getting worse. She pleaded with me to set a simultaneous goal because I'm just putting too much into trying to conceive. I told her that I've been wanting to plan a vacation so that I have something to look forward to and that I've also been wanting to start the adoption process. I'm sure she thought I was absolutely crazy because she said, "Bree, I was thinking something more like abstract oil painting." I love this woman and totally get what she is saying. But, I just don't know how to put my energy into anything else. Not when I was so close to having a living baby in my arms.

A Similar Post

I've been tagged by both Jasper's Mommy and Maxton's Mommy. This post is very similar to my last, but the teacher in me wants to follow directions and play along. It was difficult trying to come up with six items that weren't on my "love" list.

6 Things That Make Me Happy:

1. Ella's feet and handprints

2. Writing Ella's name in the sand at the beach

3. Seeing my cat and dog waiting at the door when I get home

4. French fries

5. Talking on the phone to my nephews. They are six, three, and one. They are so silly and make me laugh.

6. DH's smile

I invite you all my blog buddies to play along. It feels good to focus on the things that make me happy.

Love

**Updated

I love:

my precious baby

my family- my husband, my mom, my brother, and sister, my niece and nephews

my blog buddies

my friends

my pets- my beautiful dog, Cassidy and my loving cat, Patches. That's me, Cassidy, and Ella (in my belly) in January at the beach.

walks at the beach

a good meal

a spa day

cool summer nights

a full moon

a good book

bubble baths

blogging

hot power yoga

butterflies

my necklace that has ella's foot prints on it

the quilt i had made with my dad's hawaiian shirts

the blanket ella was wrapped in that i sleep with every night

traveling (which I've done none of in the past two years, but i still love it)

watching the new season of weeds and entourage

Random Thought: What's up with word verification? What purpose does it serve? I always find myself trying to unscramble the word and see if it spells something. I guess I'm trying to see if there's a hidden meaning or a sign. It bugs me, I'm going to remove it from my blog.

Retouched Photos

After thinking about it for a while, I decided to submit Ella's pictures for retouching to this site. I'm pretty happy with the result. I think retouching the bruising will make the photo a little easier to look at. Though, I think I still prefer her original photo. It is more obvious to me now even more that she looks like my husband. I couldn't decide if I was going to post her picture here or not. But, decided to take the plunge and go for it.

p.s. these are not my hands. I wish they were my hands, but they are those of the angel nurse that cared for me and Ella.

Hate

I hate...

My life.

That I'm depressed and miserable all day because I miss my baby.

That I live in a neighborhood where I have to see young couples with their babies everywhere I freaking go.

That I have two baskets full of stuff sitting in my closet that Ella will never use.

That most of the human population fails to understand the depth of what I'm experiencing. That people don't equate my loss with the loss of a child.

That it seems that everyone around me is pregnant and I am not. And that some of those people still have the audacity to complain that they're uncomfortable, fat, miserable...

That people ignore me because they don't know what to say.

That trying to get pregnant again is work.

The freaking two week wait.

That I am unsure of when I'll have a baby in my arms again.

That my husband is depressed and doesn't want to take a vacation because he thinks we'll just come home and be unhappy again.

That I'm back to work and that I have to pretend to be okay and happy every second. It's exhausting and I've never been good at supressing my feelings.

That I work with kids. I hate putting all my energy into other people's children when I so desperately want to have one of my own. I hate having to look into the faces of these kids and wonder if Ella would have been like them. I wish I worked in a freaking office.

That I will never know what color Ella's eyes were. That I'll never see her smile. That I basically know nothing about her.

That I've only been back to work for 2 weeks and I'm already getting my first cold. Just a reminder that I was sick like every couple of weeks when I was pregnant with Ella because kids are germ factories.

That my dad died. I hate seeing my mom alone. I hate that on top of the loss, she lost her house, her car...

Scratch that. I don't hate my life. I hate the universe.