Week Recap

Everyone who's been reading this blog, knows I've been complaining of cramping and contractions since I had my cerclage back in December. Despite those symptoms, things have always looked good at my weekly appointments. The contractions started to increase significantly around 25 weeks, but both of my doctors kept telling me it was normal. I had been feeling crappy last week and had been contemplating a trip to L&D, so when I discovered that I was bleeding on Friday afternoon, I went to get it checked out.

When I got to the hospital, my cervix was still measuring in the high 3's, but the monitors showed that I was clearly contracting and that Nora's heartbeat was decelerating a bit. I was given my first dose of terbutaline and told that I'd be clear to go home after the effects of it wore off. My uterus felt as calm as it ever felt (of course, the rest of me was shaking), but after about 40 minutes things picked back up again. Thankfully, the doctors decided to check my cervix one more time. In less than an hour, my cervix had completely funnelled to the stitch and was measuring about 2cm. At that point, the plan was to admit me and start indocin and a course of steroids (ouch-ouch-ouch). Before I could have the steroids, I had to take the gestational diabetes test. I had actually been looking forward to this milestone. But, this wasn't the way I wanted to meet it. Based on the way I'd been feeling this past month, I wasn't surprised when I failed the test. So, in addition to continuous toco and fetal monitoring (which I loved), I was pricked after each meal (which i hated). When I saw my perinatologist on Sunday, he told me that no matter what they'd hold me in the hospital until 28 weeks.

I definitely had my ups and downs this week. We were visited by the NICU team twice. They stayed with us almost an hour the first visit and tried to map out the entire process for us. DH and I started reading What to do When Your Baby is Premature as soon as we could get our hands on a copy (thanks, Jen). I also had a couple of points of just deep depression. I got a little lonely in there, but at the same time started to feel batty when people were rushing in and out of my room every five minutes (thankfully, i discovered the do not disturb sign on day 3). I also struggled with the fact that I didn't have access to the foods I wanted whenever I wanted. Which got a little better when they placed a fridge in my room. I looked forward to little things like a hot shower everyday and hearing Nora's heartbeat for an entire hour, three times a day. I'd always turn off the tv and not take any phone calls during that time. I even tried to make a video of it.

I was expecting to be in the hospital until Friday. So, I was a bit shocked when the doctor came in and told me they were going to try to release me yesterday. I had a speculum exam (ouch- is it just me or do those hurt more the further along you are?) and was told that there wasn't any tension on my stitch and that they couldn't see my bag of water. Therefore, there wasn't really anything else to do. I was being sent home. I thought I'd throw and fit and refuse to go home. But, by that time I was actually ready to come home.

It's nice to be home with my own things. My cat makes the perfect bedrest buddy. And, when DH brings me food, the dog appears out of nowhere for a visit. My immediate goal is 30 weeks. I know in my heart I'm going to have her soon. There are times when I cannot even walk because I feel so much pressure. It's saddening to me to know that she won't be inside me much longer. I'd share my space with her forever if I could. Especially if it meant that she'd live. I'm not even counting days, I'm telling myself if I can make it to my next doctor's appt (Tuesday) without cancelling, then I'll be happy (even though I have to complete the 3 hour GD test, then). Today I purchased a few nursing items online. I still have yet to allow myself to make any purchases for Nora (other than a few outfits here and there). I figure even when/if she comes early, she still won't need anything until June anyway, so we have time. It would just be nice to be able to plan and nest like a normal person.

So, if you made it through this entire post, you'll be rewarded with some pictures. I never thought I'd be posting this scary picture of myself. I think all of my weight gain has gone to my face. But, I think they will be fun to look back at and show Nora someday. She is so loved and so wanted and we are willing to do anything to ensure she arrives safely.




This is the hat I feverently knitted this week. I started freaking out that everything I've knitted thus far would be too big. Hopefully, she won't fit in this one either.


My bedrest buddy. Good to be home!

Nora Update

Many of you already know that I was admitted to the hospital last Friday at 27.1 weeks. Thank you for all of your blog posts, good vibes, and messages via facebook. Facebook seems to be the easiest way for me to update, just because It's too much for me to compose everything into a post right now. I'm in preterm labor- exactly what happened with Ella. However, the positive side is that I've made it 5 more weeks than Ella's gestation and right now i'm stable (fingers crossed). Hoping, hoping, hoping for many more weeks of pregnancy. If anyone wants to read my updates on facebook, just send me an email- briannemeg@yahoo.com. I'm working on a Nora blog, as well. When she is born, I plan to share info and pics of her on a private blog. Of course, if you a a lbm reader of this blog, you will be invited. Love to you all!

Happy 1st Birthday, Ella!

My heart was full yesterday. So many people were remembering Ella with us and that felt good. Thank you for helping to make Ella's 1st Birthday extra special. xoxo

On Sunday, we delivered these hand print kits to the hospital where Ella was born. I enjoyed a nice visit with the wonderful nurse who cared for me during Ella's delivery. On our way out, DH and I released a butterfly in the hospital's courtyard.



About a month ago, I wrote to the Butterflies and Prayers Organization to inquire about receiving a couple of butterflies to release on Ella's birthday. I was matched up with a local farmer who doesn't live too far from my house. This local farmer just so happened to be baby loss mama, as well. Kathie lost her son, Chase about 9 years ago. She was so sweet to me. She drove the butterflies over to a family member's house for me and even included a little butterfly bib for Nora in her package. The butterflies were so beautiful and made our day extra special. Thank you, Kathie!





My husband joked the other night that it's been a full time job bringing the mail in this week. Our table was overflowing with the cards and gifts we received for Ella.







We forgot to buy birthday candles, so DH made this candle. I was impressed!





My good friend Kathy made Ella her own batch of cupcakes. Aren't they darling? She even sent me a video of her daughter singing Happy Birthday and blowing out Ella's birthday candle.







I received so many email and facebook messages yesterday. Thank you everyone for thinking of us!


Thank you, Franchesca!


Thank you, Kelly!


xoxo, Kelly


Thank you, Monica!


Thank you, Kelli!


Thank you, Jess!

Checking In

It's been too, too long since my last real post. I know. I guess I'm taking for granted that I communicate with a lot of you via facebook now. I wanted to first thank, Franchesca for my beautiful blog makeover. Ella's birthday is Monday, which means I've been writing here for almost a year. So, I'm calling this a birthday makeover. Please visit Franchesca at Small Bird Studio if you are in need of a new look.

I'm planning a post for Ella's birthday Monday. But, until then. Here's what I've been up to in snippets.

The Good:

I turned 30! Husband and I really splurged and had a fabulous dinner. It sure was fun eating such rich, delicious food while wearing stretchy pants. When I was pregnant with Ella, I threatened to never go back to wearing real pants. That is under consideration, again.



I'm 26 weeks pregnant today! I recently added a little pregnancy widget to my sidebar. This little fetus says I have 98 days to go! This pic is actually a week old. Just like my blogging, I've been slacking on my belly shots. Mostly because I go days without showering/dressing. Sorry for all the junk in the background. I wanted to take the picture next to Ella's cupcake. Need to learn how to edit photos.



I received the most adorable note from my 6 year old nephew.


- me with baby (and a conehead)- too cute!


"Aunt Bree, I can't wait to see your baby."

I am looking forward to honoring Ella this weekend. I plan on donating some feet/hand print kits to the hospital for their memory box program. Husband and I are going to make some delicious cupcakes and will release a few butterflies. More on that in Ella's birthday post.

The Bad:

It's March. I despise March! I lost Ella on 3/15 and my father on 3/18. I am desperate to get out of March with Nora still tucked safely inside me.

I've started to have more contractions. I had my first visit to labor and delivery Monday. It looks like my cervix is shortening and starting to funnel a bit. Thankfully, the stitch doesn't look like it's being compromised, yet. I was seeing my doctor weekly, but will go twice weekly for a while. If my cervix gets below 2.5cm, they will hospitalize me and start me on anti-contracting meds and steroids. I am still not at the point where I believe that I will bring Nora home. I wish I felt safe, but I'm not there yet.

A wonderful woman who I met through this blog after she lost her son last April, lost her rainbow baby on February 25th at almost 28 weeks pregnant. Please send love out into the universe for Erin and her sweet baby, Allyson.

This is all too much. A dead father. A dead baby. Two impending anniversaries. A high risk pregnancy. It's a too much. Today is a day where I feel like I'm drowning.

Happy, Sad Moments

*I hope this post doesn't rub anyone the wrong way or cause any ill
feelings towards me. This is just something that's been weighing on my
heart (and my husband's for that matter) for the past couple of weeks.*

This week, this pregnancy crossed over into unchartered territory. I'm
officially more pregnant than I've ever been.

I love this baby. I want her here, alive in my arms. I feel so
torn. I can no longer say, "I'd give anything to have her back."
Because I wouldn't give up this baby for her. I love them both
equally. I want to feel the weight of both of them in my arms. I want
to press rewind and have Ella swirling around in my belly. Yet, I want
to hurry forward and have this one in my arms kicking and screaming. I
can't go back, so I march forward. I become a hysterical mess when I
allow myself to imagine birthing this baby and hearing her cry for the
first time. The happy tears then turn to sad tears as I realize that
is something I never experienced with Ella. Will all of the moments
with this baby be happy, sad moments? Right now, it feels like it.
Watching her cut a tooth, take her first steps, attend her first day
of school, meet her first love... All milestones I pray I experience
with Nora. And as I witness them, they'll be tinged with sadness. Sadness for what I missed out on (what she missed out on,
too) with my first born daughter.





Thank you to Gracie's mom, Monica for taking writing Ella's name at Lake Sacajawea in Washington. I will never tire of seeing her name. xoxo

What She's Not

Ella is not my or this baby's guardian angel. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. It's not supposed to. Here's the thing. When I got pregnant with Ella, there were a few people who told me that Ella was a gift (she was/is) and that my father was watching over us. So, of course, after I lost her, I spent several weeks furious with my father.

Why didn't he watch over me?
Why didn't he protect her?
I just watched my father die, why did I have to watch her die, too?
Maybe he was mad at me for allowing him to die.
Maybe he took this baby from me...

I eventually learned to let these thoughts go and realized that my dad was probably right there with me as I lost her, sharing in my grief. But because of this experience, I know that I could never put that responsibility on Ella. Sure if everything works out, it would be easy to say that Ella guided this baby safely to us. But the fact is, it may not work out. And, I can't put that responsibility on my innocent baby. Do I get angry when others say that Ella is watching over Nora? No, not at all. What I do believe is that Ella is with us. And, that she wants her mother and father to have a living baby in their arms.