Another Loss

Well... I was pregnant again... for a few whole days, at least. I started having crazy symptoms about 7 days past ovulation. My boobs hurt, I felt congested, I was sleepy, making frequent trips to the bathroom, I had to eat every two hours or I'd feel nauseous... The first test I took on Thursday was faintly positive. Knowing that the line was faint, I tried not to get too excited. Heck, even if the line was dark I wasn't going to get too excited. I tested again on Friday and the line was still faint, but darker. I called my OB and she was excited. She told me "a line is a line." She told me I could come in for a Beta test on Thursday and then again 96 hours later on Monday. I guess I started to get a little excited. I still thought, this one could not stick, I could lose it tomorrow, a month from now, twenty weeks from now, I could lose it full-term. But, I still got excited. Excited at the chance to try again. Excited that the universe brought me a baby without having to try for too long. Excited that the universe brought us the baby at a perfect time, right before I had gone back to work full-time. Well, yesterday's test was negative. Then, I woke up this morning bleeding. A fucking chemical pregnancy. Great. What the hell went wrong? Was it because I was on my feet way too much last week? Was it because I was so stressed out? Was it because I snuck a half-caf coffee one morning last week? When will the universe stop punishing me? Why do I allow myself to have faith and hope when I've just been shot down so many times. Why does it feel like good things are happening to everyone, but me? Because if this is it, if this is my life's path, I'm done. I don't want to keep trying for a baby. I don't want to live in this messed up universe.

This is random (again...). I just saw that pregnancy loss awareness day is October 15th. Ella was conceived October 15th. Was her life doomed from the beginning?