A Move, Misery, and A Blanket

I moved. I'd been thinking about moving my blog for a while. In fact, I'm still thinking about making the change to Wordpress. I love that you can password protect certain posts should you be so inclined to do so. But, for now, I feel a little safer here (though, I've googled the title of my blog and I show up in sorts of places- on my old blog, on other blogs, but not here, yet...). A while ago, I made the choice to invite some of the people in my real life to view my blog. My reasoning for this was that I wanted them to understand what this whole screwed up process is really about. Anyway, I've had mostly good responses from them. I've been a little disappointed at times because I've invited people to read and they don't (or they don't tell me they're reading). There's also been times when my IRLs have wanted to talk about something I wrote on my blog and I just don't want to (you know, the whole it's easy to write it on your blog, but not easy to say it out loud). Well, last week, some of the things that I had been saying on my blog in regards to my work came back to bite me in the behind. I knew this would happen. In fact, it's not really that big of a deal because I've decided to not return to my job. But, I was quite angry because the person that was calling me out on what I was saying has been telling me for months that she only wants to be there for me as a friend. I feel like she was holding the things I said against me and that's not fair. I've been through so much shit and have every right to say what's on my mind here. No one has the right to challenge the way I'm feeling. I felt violated. I felt unsafe and decided to make the move.

I've been miserable this week. I don't feel happy. My days lack joy. I feel like a zombie walking through the necessary steps of living each day. We are just about to hit the five month mark. I'd say up until last week, the hope I had for living baby pulled me through each day. Now, that that's been taken from me, I just don't know what to do.

I had such a strong vibe that I would conceive in July. And I did. As soon as I saw the two pink lines, I knew it wouldn't stick. And it didn't. Now, I am not feeling anything. I don't have any strong vibes about anything other than I'm not going to have a living baby in my arms for a very long time. I know that living for the possiblity of bringing a healthy baby into the world is not any way to live. I don't want my life to revolve around this, but what can you do?

By the way, I've decided to proceed with another cycle of Clomid + Estrace + Progesterone. But, this month, I'm not taking any hpts. If my period is late, I will just call my doctor and request a beta. I'm not putting myself through that torture again. Nor do I have the cash to keep buying hpts.



I've been sleeping with the blanket Ella was wrapped in at birth since I came home from the hospital. Sadly, the blanket is getting dingy and could use a washing. Part of me wants to wash it and put it away for safe keeping, before it gets ruined. Another part of me wonders what good it will do when I have the blanket sitting in my closet 20 years from now. Maybe I should just keep using the blanket as my comfort item until it completely falls apart. I actually have another blanket of hers, the blanket she was wrapped in after the nurse dressed her. I've been keeping that one safely in my closet. But, this one, the one I sleep with is the one that means the most to me. It is the one that touched Ella's skin.

I'm sorry for the downer post. I wish I had something positive or enlightening to say. I want to help others like me, I want to inspire others to feel positive and hopeful. But, I'm just not there yet.