Three

She would have been three on Thursday. Three. Three whole years since I held her in my arms. When I say, "three" out loud, it sounds like an eternity. It doesn't feel that way though, it feels like yesterday. The days leading up to her birthday were awful. No gifts to open. No party to plan. No little lady to love on... But, still it was necessary to plan a celebration.

I was glad to keep busy on her actual birthday. Looks like we have started a tradition of driving up the coast that day. We reminisced about Ella's pregnancy, the day she was born, how beautiful and perfect she was.









We ended up in Santa Barbara. We walked on the beach, had a beautiful lunch at Trattoria Mollie, visited the Mission there, and watched the sunset. I felt so grateful to have Nora here to make me smile that day (well, everyday). Nora said, "Birthday Ella" and "More Ella cake." We took Ella's ashes with us and Nora kept asking to hold "Ella's rock." I don't know how a nearly two year old "gets it," but she just seems to love and adore her sister.






We light a candle for Ella and for my dad inside the Mission.


Even though we've had a very warm winter, it was actually a bit chilly that day, so we ate our Ella cake in the car.


We like to do something good in Ella's name each year.A few months ago, I decided I wanted to cut off a large chunk of my hair and donate it to Lock.s Of Lov.e for Ella's Birthday. I actually chopped it a few weeks ago, but I waited until the 15th to mail it off. I loved being able to stamp Ella's footprints on the envelope.




I am lucky. I still grieve for Ella. I still have so many regrets. Still have hard days. I have many scars. But, I am blessed. I smile. I laugh. I do not feel guilty for those things anymore. I am fortunate to have one perfect child to share my life with. I have many beautiful friends who celebrate Ella with me, too. Thank you to all of my sweet friends who continue to send cards and reach out to us year after year.

Happy Birthday to my sweet first born. xo Ella xo

"L Wuh"

Many months ago, I learned that Nora had an awareness of her sister. One day she stroked my footprint necklace and said, "nice." Then, she started saying "hi" to Ella's urn. Recently, she began carrying around the bear I received shortly after Ella was born. She even insists on sleeping with it now.

Now... Now she says... "Ella (More like, L Wuh)."

She points to my necklace and says, "Ella."

She points to her special painting and belts out, "Ella."

She walks by her urn, points, and shouts, "Ella."

At night, Nora asks for, "Ella Bear."

When I say, "I love Nora." She says back, "I love Ella."


Oh, how wonderful it is to hear her name incessantly. My heart does flip flops with each, "Ella." It almost feels like she is here and her baby sister is following her around the house, calling her name.

How I wish she were here. How I wish we were all calling her name for real.

Ella pick up your toys....

Ella time for bed...

Ella be nice to your sister...

You get the point. Sigh.

Ever grateful for my sweet first born and so grateful for Nora's presence and her ability to make my heart smile daily.

July was Baby Loss Mom/Rainbow Baby Month

After losing Ella, I felt so alone (honestly, there are a lot of days where I still feel that way). I am so fortunate that I can share Ella and my pain so openly here in this space. If you aren't a baby loss mom, you probably think it's weird, but I speak more with women I've never "met" than I do with people in my "real," everyday life. It is always a wonderful experience when I get to step out from behind the computer screen and meet these special ladies face to face.

I met Alyssa, another IC mom via the Internet shortly after I had Nora. She had recently given birth to her rainbow, Tres. And, we lost our firstborn children (she lost twins, Andrew and Dalton) within two weeks of each other. We had many conversations via facebook over the last year and I finally met Alyssa and her family over 4th of July weekend. Lucky me! She comes to CA annually, so we can't wait to see her next year. Nora and Tres were darling together. We have big plans for these two strawberry blonde's when they get older. Won't these pics be awesome in their wedding slide show? Alyssa makes me laugh daily and she's got a huge fetish for shoes. I couldn't wait to check out her kicks during our visit. She had Chanel's on... Of course. We had so much fun together!





A few days later, we had lunch with Lisette and her darling rainbow Emma. Her sweet first born joined us as well. We only live an hours distance from each other, but between pregnancies and newborn babies, this was the first chance we had to get together. Sweet Emma was the tiniest thing and I couldn't get enough of her. I thought she looked very much like her older sister, Sami.


Shortly after we moved, one of my very best blog friends came to visit. Christy and I grew close when we discovered that we were expecting our rainbow's within weeks of each other. Neither of us remember who asked first, but basically we agreed to be "freaky, pregnant girls" together. We were both teaching at the time and we exchanged emails back and forth all day long about our worries and stresses of pregnancy after loss. After we had our babies, we started talking on the phone and skyping regularly. Even though we had never met until July, she was/is one of my most favorite people. I'm trying very hard to get this girl to move to California.


While Christy was here, Tina and Gigi came to visit. They drove all the way down to LA during Carmeggedon weekend. If you don't know what Carmeggedon is... a major freeway was shut down the entire weekend and the mayor advised everyone to stay home. Tina chanced it (well, actually she coerced her sweet husband into driving her)and actually made great time. Tina brought bikinis for all the girls to wear. Serious cuteness here!


Finally, our last stop on the BLM tour... I took Christy out to visit Rachel and her rainbow's Monkey and Snuggles. I just adore Rachel and love that she is so close to me. I can't wait until she is off miserable bedrest and we can hang out more. Rachel is the cutest pregnant girl, by the way.

Finally! I Get to Decorate A Nursery!

I don't really post about Nora on here. But, I feel this is a special milestone for me (us). So, I wanted to share it.

Finally! I got to decorate and "nest" for Nora. We moved shortly before Ella was born and I had planned on keeping her in my room for the first year. Then, when I was pregnant with Nora, I couldn't even fathom bringing a baby home, therefore did not plan anything during my pregnancy. So, now, at one year's old (almost 14 months, actually), Nora gets her nursery. I just LOVE it! It's the perfect combination of modern and shabby chic (I don't even know if that's a style, but I'm finding out that I love both). The color is bold, but I'm so glad I decided to take the risk. All of the artwork was done by my mother in law. The cat painting was given to us as one of our wedding presents. At the time, Patches was our first and only baby, we just loved it. We received the painting of Cassidy for our 6th wedding anniversary. MIL had painted it to go in Ella's nursery (the only plan I had for Ella's future nursery was that I wanted it to be silver sage and chocolate brown). She did the cupcake painting when I found out Ella was a girl. And, finally she did a sketch of Nora as a first birthday present. The dresser is special because it was mine as a kid. I don't have a ton of things from my childhood and since my parents are gone now too, I feel really sentimental about it. Since I was a teenager, I knew it would go in my child's room someday. Nothing is really finished in the house, except Nora's room. I love sitting in there. I think Nora does, too.

I love that some of Ella's things are mixed in with Nora's. Ella, you are always with us. xo

There is a pic of Nora thrown in there. I think I downloaded it by accident. But, I'm leaving it. She is cruising up and down the house now and can turn around when she hits a dead end. She also started standing (I call it surfing) on her own and takes about 3-5 steps on her own now. How big she is!

Freewriting

I need to write here more often. I love coming here and being in Ella's Space. I think even if I don't have anything to write about, I should just write. You know like you used to do in the 5th grade. I think it was called Freewriting.

I'm still battling extreme exhaustion due to lack of sleep. My sweet Rainbow just loves and needs me so much that she still cries all night long (well, I'm exaggerating... More like 2-3 times a night, but just enough to ensure I'm up every few hours). Plus, we are preparing for another move. We finally purchased our first house and I am thrilled to be giving Nora her own room and yard to play in. Hubby and I have been married for 8 years next month and we have been dreaming of owning a home for forever.

I keep up with most of the people I met thru this blog via facebook. It is incredible how things have changed since I started this blog over two years ago. Most of us who lost about the same time, have rainbows who are similar in age. We are very lucky. Next month I get to meet one of my very best blog buddies. I am so excited because even though we've never met, Christy and I talk on the phone, skype, and email each other several times a day.


This is a pic from Nora's 1st Birthday. I can't believe a whole year has passed since she was born. Times really does fly. She got her first two teeth the week of her birthday. She is pointing, snapping, clapping, and talking- she says 5 words- dada, hi, uh-oh, car, and sometimes Bree. I'm a proud mama.

I think of Ella several times a day. I weave her into my day the best that I can. I wish she were here tormenting Nora as a "terrible" two year old. Nora loves butterflies... It makes me so happy that she smiles and points to the ones hanging throughout the house. We write Ella's name together on the shower door each night when we take a bath. Ella, we miss you.

Yesterday, I realized that Sunday is Father's Day. I've been so busy, I haven't even thought about it. I'm actually going to be in San Diego this weekend. We spread some of my dad's ashes there, so I'm looking forward to being in a place that he loved so much. I think I'm going to make an angel food cake in his honor this weekend, too.

Sending love to you all. xo

My First Mother's Day

Tomorrow, a passerby will look at me and assume that this is my first Mother's Day. Tomorrow is not my first Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day was three years ago, just two short months after I gave birth to Ella. I am surprised that three years later I still feel wounded. I feel guilty that I have this beautiful (almost) one year old baby girl to love on and I am not all that excited about the day. I don't know how I am going to be around the people tomorrow... The same people that failed to acknowledge me as a mother three years ago.

I don't come here nearly enough. I like logging on because I feel like this is Ella's space and this is where I can connect with her. I've noticed that there are quite a number of new people following- which I don't know how that happened since my posts are few and far between and there's really nothing special going on. But, if you'd like, please introduce yourself here. Wishing you all a peaceful and gentle Mother's Day.

2 Years

We celebrated Ella's 2nd Birthday on Tuesday. We had a nice family day. I made cupcakes in the morning and then we spent the day driving up the coast. We stopped and had lunch at one of our favorite spots and then took Nora on a little shopping spree. I felt so much gratitude that day. I'm very thankful to be only two years out from my loss and have such a beautiful, living baby to love on. I dressed Nora in a beautiful tutu because I felt like it was a celebratory outfit. On the way home, we stopped at the beach and wrote Ella's name in the sand. Ella sent us two beautiful Monarch butterflies while we were there. In the evening, we light candles and sang Happy Birthday. We also have a tradition that we started last year of writing in a birthday card. This year, I purchased a silhouette pic of my favorite ultrasound image as her birthday gift.

As usual, the days leading up to her birthday were pretty emotional and seemed worse than the day itself. Even though I celebrate Ella's life in small ways every day, it is nice to know that March 15th that will always be her special day.

Thank you to all my wonderful friends who sent their love this week. xo

Birthday Blues

Today is my 31st Birthday. I should be happy. But, I feel sad. Three years ago on my Birthday, my dad was gravely ill. He passed away 3 weeks later. Two years ago, I was blissfully pregnant with Ella. I had just found out that she was a she and DH had bought me a beautiful diaper bag as a gift. Three weeks later, she passed away too. I feel like I'm starting to relive those dates all over again. Will my heart ever stop aching?

Ella's Boat

When we were out walking this weekend, DH spotted this tiny boat. We just so happened to have our camera with us too. Made our hearts smile.

** I realized the symbolism behind this little boat last night. Not too long before I saw this boat, I had posted that I felt like I was sinking... Ella sent me a boat. :) Love you, Ella girl.

This Week

This week was definitely better than the last. I think the fact that the weather has been spectacular helped. I've been making an effort to get out and walk each day, toting Nora and our dog to different parks around then neighborhood. We've also walked to Star.bucks and a nearby baby store twice, and took a drive to one of my new favorite cupcake shops. At the cupcake shop, I met a mom who has a baby 2 weeks younger than Nora. She and I set up a play date and lunch for next week. Even with the little cold Nora is fighting, she's been very happy this week. I think she likes the sunshine too. I also finished a hat for a friend I've been working on for like 6 months and started a new one for Nora. And, I've started planning our Little Lady's 1st Birthday Party. That's right, Nora peanut turns 8 months old this weekend. I'm planning on making some of the decorations myself, so I thought I'd better get started. It's going to take me a whole lot of 20 minute nap times to get them done. Thank you everyone for all your love and support after my last post. This motherhood thing combined with the grief I'm still experiencing is tough and I'm so glad I still have this safe place to vent.

Sinking

I try not to think about the things that make me sad for fear that I'll fall into a deep depression. But, once in a while, these feelings consume me and I start to feel as if I'm suffocating.

I hate where I live. I miss San Diego so much. I miss my old apartment, my friends, my blm support network, the ease of getting around... I feel so guilty for having these feelings. DH is working hard, long hours and I know there is a lot of pressure on him, as he is the sole breadwinner now. And, I live in a gorgeous apartment that is costing us a ton of money. But, I really hate it here. I really struggle with the idea of having to make our life here.
*If you know where I live, please don't mention the location in the comments. Thanks.

Nora is a horrible sleeper. Again, I feel terrible for saying that out loud. She is perfect and beautiful and healthy. And, I'm so fortunate to have a living baby here in my arms. But, 7.5 months of sleep deprivation is waring on me. On a good night, she wakes up at 1 and 4 am. But, most nights, she wakes every 1-2 hours. And, when she does sleep, I can't sleep because I'm a shitty sleeper myself. I spend her short nap times pumping because she's refused to nurse during the day since she was 3 months old. My blm friend Karen says they didn't use sleep deprivation as a medieval torture technique for nothing. She ain't lyin.

I don't have any help. And, I don't trust a "stranger" to watch her. My in laws live about an hour away, are in their seventies, and work part-time. They drive me nuts anyway. They spend each visit speculating as to why Nora is so fussy all the time. "She's hungry, she's tired... teething... her stomach hurts... maybe because you're breastfeeding...how long are you going to do that, again... don't you know such and such mom... don't put her on reflux meds... watch her... she shouldn't do that..."

I'm still angry at my mother. She's been trying to reach out to me and every time I hear from her, I carry a pit around in my stomach for week. I have no interest in a reconciliation which leaves me feeling guilty. But, she chose some dude she met at yoga over her children. She left me when I was grieving and beginning a difficult pregnancy. She allowed this dude (whom my siblings and I refer to as Satan) to email us about them being naked together and smoking pot on Christmas Day (my first Christmas without Ella).Nice, eh? I swear I don't make this stuff up. She allowed her fake lawyer friend to speak litigiously about us and send frivolous law suit threats our way. Again... all while I was grieving and constantly enduring the worry of losing another baby. She wasn't there when I was hospitalized, when Nora was hospitalized... She should be here sharing this little girl with me. She should be here to help out when I'm tired or need a break like most mothers do for their children.

And, most of all... I miss Ella. I still have moments where I forget that I have another baby. A dead baby. I can't shake the feelings I had the night I lost her. The days following her death...

Made With Love

Bryston


Carston


Micheal


Layla


Jakin


Ella Grace
March 4, 2010


Jett
January 10, 2009


Eli
January 10, 2009


Skylar Orr
August 27, 2009


Jocelyn Grace
September 29, 2010


Bella
July 30, 2009


Oscar
July 30, 2009


Tittle
January 2010


Ava
October 20-21, 2009

Ella's 2nd Christmas

Sweet Ella,
Your special ornaments are hung on the tree. A special gift for you sits under it. Dad and I chose a music box this year. It will sit next to your ashes. I hope when the music plays, you dance, sing, and laugh. I love you with all my heart and miss you more everyday. Merry Christmas, my sweet and special baby.
Mommy

A very special friend sent this book for Nora's first Christmas. As I was reading it to her this morning, I couldn't help feel like the words were being carried up to Ella.

Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You
By, Nancy Tillman

I wanted you more than you ever will know, so I sent you love to follow wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf. You'll never outgrow it... it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...climb up to the sky! My love will find you. My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb! My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...

if you're working...

or playing...

or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til you're dizzy...

paint 'til you're blue...

There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely, or someday you're sad, or you strike out at baseball or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair. That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass... in the smell of the sea... in the clouds floating by... at the top of a tree... in the sound crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and so deep, it's always right there, even when you're asleep.

So hold your head high and don't be afraid to march to the front of your own parade.

If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown, my promise to you is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling, my star.. and my love will find you, wherever you are.

You are loved.

<3 ella <3