Off The Ledge

Well my sucicidal rant has passed. I'm feeling a bit better. I thought about deleting that post because it was so so dark. But, it was how I was feeling at that moment and I don't want to ignore that. Thank you for all of your uplifting comments. Unfortunately, all of you do get it. I'm thankful for that- but devastated that you're in as much pain as me. Love to you all!

Dark

Tonight I want to die. Why couldn't I have died along with Ella? Why am I being punished even more by having to go on living after losing my daughter? I feel so stupid. Ive been doing all of these things- therapy, acupuncture, healthy diet- to prepare my body for another baby. A rainbow baby- something to live for. Well I ovulated this week, but let's just say it wasnt in the cards for me this month. How could I have been so stupid to think I would be able to get pregnant right away. Ive been naive. This whole situation is fucked up. I feel like no one gets it. Not my friends, my husband, even my mom get it. I don't understand how I am supposed to go on living.

All About Me

8X8 All about Me!

Okay, I never play along when these types of things come in an email, but I've been tagged by Windy at The Chronicles of an Incompetent Cervix. And, I actually enjoyed doing it!

THE RULES:
Mention who tagged you.
Complete the list of 8's.
Tag 8 other people.

8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:
An uneventful second pregnancy
Holding a live baby in my arms
Many more weeks of summer vacation
Going to acupuncture today
Going to hot yoga tonight
Eating left over baked mac and cheese for dinner
Seeing my friend Jenn again someday
Traveling again

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY:
Woke up too early
Drove 80 miles (each way) to visit my mom
Went to lunch at Mimi's Cafe
Watched The Little Couple
Watched Jon & Kate Plus Eight
Ordered pizza and mac and cheese for dinner
Took a bubble bath
Started reading a new book- Remember Me by Sophie Kinsella

8 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO:
Still be pregnant awaiting my 7/10 due date
Hold Ella in my arms again
See Ella eyes, see her smile, take her first steps, say her first word, start school, fall in love... I could go on forever.
Not go back to work - I'm supposed to be home caring for Ella
Get pregnant again- SOON!
Sing
Cook
Travel more

8 SHOWS I WATCH:
I love TV- This one's easy!
Jon & Kate Plus Eight
The Little Couple
Desperate Housewives
The Office
Dancing With The Stars
Entourage
Weeds
Sex and The City

8 FAVORITE FOODS:
Another easy one...
Cupcakes
French Fries
Cheeseburgers
Salads w/ any type of soft cheese
Tomato Soup
Cheese and Crackers
Pineapple
Filet Mingnon

8 PLACES I'VE TRAVELED:
Maui
Prague
Venice
Bologna
Florence
Rome
Monterey
South Padre Island

8 PLACES I'D LIKE TO TRAVEL:
Spain
Greece
Paris
Amsterdam
Tahiti
Alaska
Back to Prague
Back to Italy

8 PEOPLE I TAGGED-If you don't play along, I won't be offended. :)
Kate at Kate's Corner
Mary at Nobody Knows It But Me How I'm Missing Lukas
Rebekah at Life After Levi
Loni at Praise You In This Storm
Angela at The Pessimistic Optimist
Summer at Ellis Jane
Beth at Life After Ada
Abby at Life As I Know It

Question

I am curious. What are family events like for you since losing your baby?

I had to go to the in-laws yesterday to celebrate my FIL's Birthday. Again, I found myself in a room filled with people lauging, joking, talking about superficial stuff like the South Beach Diet... I wondered how people could be so happy when they know that I am hurting so much. Not one person asked me how I was doing or mentioned Ella's name the entire seven hours I was there. A week ago, I sent my MIL and SIL an email explaining that I need to talk about Ella and what happened- obviously, it didn't work. I really didn't want to attend this event, but I forced myself to go for my husband. I had to go to a couple of mandatory events for my own family recently, and I didn't think it was fair for me to tell my DH I wasn't going. So, I sat in the corner and worked on my hats quietly. On her way out, my aunt's girlfriend did tell me that two of her sisters lost babies- one at 4 months and one at 8.5 months. I was so excited that she brought it up, but couldn't believe it was as she was walking out the door. I just started spilling out all of the things about Ella. I probably didn't make much sense, but I was just so relieved to be talking about it. But, thirty seconds later she was gone. It is just so hard to be around people right now. Though, I can't believe that I can't even feel comfortable around my own family. I have nothing to say. The only thing going on in my life right now is Ella. I am grieving, knitting, blogging, going to therapy/support groups, receiving acupunture, and doing yoga. All activities done for the purpose of healing from this catastrophic event.

I Will Be Pregnant Again!

A lot of you may not know this, but I dream about things before they happen. I dreamt about my dad's passing about six months before he even got sick. I also dreamt about losing Ella. I remember telling my coworker all about that dream. A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream that I was pregnant at our next Christmas celebration. My belly was quite big- which I think is a good sign- perhaps, I'll get further along next time. Last night, I had a dream that I was expecting twins. I was having my baby shower and I received a Target card to purchase neccessities for my two boys from my friend, Jenn. Now, expecting twins would be a little scary with my bum cervix and history of preterm labor, but i'm not going to worry too much, yet. These two occurrences give me hope that I will be pregnant again! Now, I just need a dream where I am holding my live baby in my arms.

p.s. Don't forget to check out the new pics in Ella's Name Gallery! They're so cool!

Ella's Name Gallery

From Jaime, Claire's mom at Indelible Ice Images. These came while I was in the hospital and mean so much to me. Thank you so much, Jaime!




Sunshine's mom, Kathy sent these to me this morning. She remembered my affinity for hearts while creating this for Ella. Thank you so much, Kathy!




Lily and Cooper's mom, Jen sent this to me today. It was taken at the Georgia Aquarium.


Thank you, Franchesca!


Thank you, Kelly!


xoxo, Kelly


Thank you, Monica!


Thank you, Kelli!


Thank you to Monica for these beautiful pictures taken at Lake Sacajawea in Washington State.




Thanks, Jennifer for this yummy picture.


Thanks, Shannon for this sweet pic.


Thank you to Lucas' and Thomas' mom, Kelly.


Thank you to Grace Willow's mom, Megan.


Thank you to Kathlyn's mom, Beth.


Another great one from, Beth.


Thank you, Jessica for all of the love you put into creating this collage for Ella.


Thank you to Jasper's mom, Lisa for these beautiful waterfall photos.




Thanks, Beth for this beautiful photograph!


Thanks, Ashley for thinking of us while on vacation in Texas.


Thanks to Carly's mom, Holly for this beautiful picture.


Thanks to Say It With Flowers


This is the first in a series of photos from Kenner's mom, Emalee. They are so beautiful! Emalee, you are so talented. Thank you for thinking of me. These photos came at such a perfect time. I needed something to warm my heart. Thank you! Thank you!










Ella at the Riverwalk in San Antonio, Texas. Thanks so much, Lisa! It looks beautiful there.


Thanks to Jasper's Mom, Lisa for taking Ella with her to the Alamo in Texas.


Another one of Ella at Disneyworld. I love this beautiful tree!


My friend, Cindy took Ella with her to Disneyworld last month. Thanks, Cindy!


Ella at her first Cub's game. I love the detail in the little drawing. Thanks Jenn and Spencer!



Summer also created this modern block print for Ella. I love love love it!! Thank you so much, Summer!


This beautiful pic came in today all the way from Boston, Ma. My blog buddy, Summer took it. Summer is Ellis' mom. I started following Ellis' story shortly after losing Ella.




My blog buddy, Lea, a.k.a. Nicholas' mom created this picture for Ella. It is so sweetly done with angel's wings. Thanks, Lea!



From my creative friend Rebekah. She also did Ella's name in coffee beans. Rebekah knits in honor of her son, Levi.
Bainbridge, Georgia


Ella's beautiful butterfly also from Kay.


From my new blog friend, Kay in Australia. She's so sweet. She also did tribute photos for my dad.



Eternal Names By The Sea, Australia


Eternal Names By The Sea, Australia


Eternal Names By The Sea, Australia


These beautiful photos came in today from my new blog buddy, Kay. Kay started Eternal Names By The Sea to honor her sweet baby, Nicholas.



Ella on the beach in Alabama. Thanks so much, Loni! This is beautiful!



All the way from the beaches of Alabama, from my blog buddy, Loni. Loni is doing great work in honor of her daughter, Maddox Elise. She's amazing!



Ella in Juneau, Alaska


Ella in Ketchikan, Alaska



Ella in Glacier Bay, Alaska


My friend Amber just returned from an Alaskan cruise (it has always been a dream of mine to do this). I'm so thankful that she took Ella's spirit along with her on her journey. Thanks, Amber!


This is my friend/colleague/yoga buddy with Ella in Las Vegas, Memorial Day weekend. Thanks for doing this, Diana!



My good friend Jenn got her fiancee (soon to be husband 6/20) to take this picture of Ella at Plaza de Torros in Madrid, Spain. I was all smiles when I received it this morning. Thanks, Jenn and Spencer!
**Some are saying the sunspot is Ella!



My blog buddy, Rebekah created this image for Ella. Look closely, Ella is spanning the globe. I love that she spelled Ella's name with coffee beans. I love coffee! And, I worked at a coffee house all through college. You're awesome, Rebekah!
Bainbridge, Georgia




My first entries into Ella's Name Gallery. My blogging buddy, Kate took these in Lake Erie, Pennsylvania this weekend. I'm sure it took a lot of time to spell her name out- it's so special! Thanks so much Kate!


From Dear Sweet Carly at To Write Their Names in The Sand.