I am curious. What are family events like for you since losing your baby?
I had to go to the in-laws yesterday to celebrate my FIL's Birthday. Again, I found myself in a room filled with people lauging, joking, talking about superficial stuff like the South Beach Diet... I wondered how people could be so happy when they know that I am hurting so much. Not one person asked me how I was doing or mentioned Ella's name the entire seven hours I was there. A week ago, I sent my MIL and SIL an email explaining that I need to talk about Ella and what happened- obviously, it didn't work. I really didn't want to attend this event, but I forced myself to go for my husband. I had to go to a couple of mandatory events for my own family recently, and I didn't think it was fair for me to tell my DH I wasn't going. So, I sat in the corner and worked on my hats quietly. On her way out, my aunt's girlfriend did tell me that two of her sisters lost babies- one at 4 months and one at 8.5 months. I was so excited that she brought it up, but couldn't believe it was as she was walking out the door. I just started spilling out all of the things about Ella. I probably didn't make much sense, but I was just so relieved to be talking about it. But, thirty seconds later she was gone. It is just so hard to be around people right now. Though, I can't believe that I can't even feel comfortable around my own family. I have nothing to say. The only thing going on in my life right now is Ella. I am grieving, knitting, blogging, going to therapy/support groups, receiving acupunture, and doing yoga. All activities done for the purpose of healing from this catastrophic event.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
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I hear you. I feel you completely. I am the same. It's been nearly 4 months, and since Ella died I've had to go through Valentine's, My Birthday, several other birthdays for close family, St. Patty's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, and several family gatherings all in the nearly 4 short months since our Ella has died.
ReplyDeleteI am the kind of person who wanted a baby so badly, all of these things were exciting to me knowing Ella would be there, I am the person that was going to dress her for every holiday accordingly.
It's been hell. Most of these events have been avoided by me. And family doesn't get it. when I am around people, I feel so odd, weird, and not in my own skin. I don't know what to do or what to say. I am completely uncomfortable around people who KNEW me...now they don't know the new, Ella-less me. There are very few real people in my life I can talk to. I am afraid the few people I can talk to I am going to scare them off talking about death all the time.
My good friend came over again last night. She lost her sister to suicide, so she knows what a significant loss is like. She still has issues, and it was 10 years ago. I am so morbid and comfortable talking about death now, I think I freaked her out. I hope not too bad, so I find myself apologizing. I just don't want to scare off the few people I can talk to. It's a rough spot to be.
I wish I knew what to tell you would make events better...or I wish you could tell me!! But for now I guess we will both fumble along this horrible road in the dark, uphill, without a flashlight or a candle to guide our way.
It is really hard for family to see you hurting. I have found that they typically think that talking about "the sadness" will just make it worse. It took a long time for me to convince my close friends and family that talking actually made me feel better (even if it made me cry). I had a male coworker cry with me after my first loss - that is still the most meaningful thing anyone has done for/with me about the losses. It was just his pure emotion that he shared with me, and I appreciated it.
ReplyDeleteThis may be hard, but maybe you can be the initiator in talking about Ella. I found this was the way to get my family "okay" about talking about the boys. I only had one family member completely ignore me and move to another subject. So, be prepared, because that was really hard to take.
Remember that this is the time to take care of you! Do what you need to do. Talk about what you need to talk about. And...of course...blog away. We are here.
I don't think people understand how all-consuming the grief is unless they've been through it. I've often made comments about all the the things I "have" to do now that I don't want to "have" to be doing - the therapy, the doc appts, the support groups, the research, etc. But no one seems to understand that it takes all of your time and all of your energy and it is all you can do to get through each day. And even when you do get someone to talk to you about it, it is still uncomfortable to be the only one one in the conversation who is crying. Which always makes me want to stop talking about it to make them feel more comfortable. A constant battle.
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