Let me first preface this by saying I work with a great group of people. I work at a small school. There are approximately one hundred students and about fifteen staff members. My students are kind and sensitive. Some of my student's parents are my biggest cheerleaders. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but my OB is actually a parent from my school. After I lost Ella, there were parents who offerred up their services for free- massages, counseling, homeopathic treatments/remedies... I know if I go back to work, I know I will be comforted by many, many people.
Two events took me back to work this week, graduation and an end of the year picnic. It was nice to receive the love and hugs from the people there, but I found it really difficult to be back in the building again. All of the memories I had of being pregnant there resurfaced. I recalled all of the times I was there stressed out and worried about my pregnancy because I knew I was running around too much, on my feet for too long, constantly surrounded by sick children (children in my room who had pneumonia, fifth disease, rashes...). I wonder how I will go back there knowing that I hold this animosity.
I wonder how I will deal with the stresses of multitasking and planning curriculum for eight grade levels. How will I deal with deadlines, and meetings, and conversations with parents? How can I sit around the lunch table and engage in superficial lunch time conversation? How will I deal with behavior problems? Can I say, "you will behave because my baby died and I can't deal with you right now." It is really difficult to teach when you are not feeling happy, patient, or rested. All of the things that seem like "big" problems won't really matter to me. I just don't know how I can care about work related things when I am carrying this tradegy around with me.
To say that I want to be pregnant again is an understatement. Besides thinking about Ella and what happened, it is really all I think about. I don't know how we will swing it, but I know that I just CAN'T be in this environment when I am pregnant again. For my own peace of mind, I will be choosing to take it easy the entire pregnancy. But, my husband really thinks I need to go back to work until I get pregnant again. I get this. My brain comprehends the idea that people DO have to go back to work after suffering a tradegy. I get that the economy is terrible and that I am lucky to have a job. But, the rest of my body rejects the idea of going back to work. When I think about it, I start to panic, my heart palpitates, I start to gasp for my breath.
Going back to work means not being free to think about Ella twenty four hours a day. It means not being able to pick up my knitting, work on a butterfly, or write on my blog whenever I feel like it. It means pushing my grief out of my mind for eight hours a day. Going back to work means leaving this part of the grief behind. I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I CAN move forward. I don't know HOW to move forward.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
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Oh Bree, I could probably write a book on this blog post about work. I have so many things to say, but can't put any of them into words. Even if you go back to work, you will not be able to put Ella in your back pocket for 8 hours. Trust me. Even if you go back before you get pregnant, it will be hard. I think it ultimately has to be up to YOU to decide what is best for you. Nobody can tell you what you need to do. Only you know.
ReplyDeleteI know everyone grieves differently. I know I am grieve Ella a lot harder and longer than anyone else. And its a lonely place to be. She engulfs my mind constantly, and I don't want to let that go. I am told to get out and do things, and I have. But she is still there. I am still sad. And its hard to do these mundane life tasks. Sometimes I am better than others. Sometimes I am awful.
I could not imagine having to go back to a "real" job. Working at home is hard enough, if I had to face people I would not do it. I would not be working now. And I know that. I am just barely working now.
I know what you mean about the pregnancy. I want it too so bad, but I am almost afraid too...will I connect with this baby like I did with Ella? Will I want to? Will I be terrified? Will I forget Ella? It brings up so many things I didn't even know were in my head. I do not want anything to be the same when there is a subsuquent pregnancy. I want a different doctor, a different hospital, the works. I don't want to compare the pregnancy with Ella to any others. I want them to be separate.
Just follow your gut, you will know what is best for you. And don't think you have to let go of thinking about Ella all the time. I know when I do what everyone has told me and I push it out, and just move on with my day, when I do this for a few days in a row, I end up crashing. Crashing worse than ever before. Sobbing uncontrollably in the bed, hyperventilating, screaming for Ella. I am told it's healthy to not think about her, but I can't do it. She is in every fiber of my being, and I can't push her out like everyone else seems to be able to. I need her there, and I need to be sad daily. If not, I crash.
I hope things get better for you...and for me...I just wish our Ellas were here, and it's so hard to know they are not, and will never be.
Thinking of you!
Angela
I have definitely been in this position. My heart would skip beats thinking about heading back into my studio also. That is where I started going into labor. Teaching is so hard when the biggest thing on your mind is pain. The only thing I can offer is that over time it does get easier, especially if you have understanding parents and students. If you can't make it in on a certain day because the grief is too much, you will have people understand and help you out. Hopefully. It is so hard thinking about leaving the house and being so vulnerable, but I tried to tell myself that it will help me get my mind onto some other things for a bit and it had to be done eventually. good luck.
ReplyDeleteI love you and I'm sorry. I wish I had more to say or to offer.
ReplyDeleteWork is definitely difficult. For me it has been one of my biggest challenges since Zoe died. I am surroned by other nurses who are pregnant, my job is stressful and physical and I deal with sadness and dying most of the time I work. I went back to work way too early...5 weeks after Zoe died. It was too early. My best advice is to go back when you are ready and be gentle on yourself. It sounds like you have a really great group of people you work with...and take people up on their help! Going to work does get easier. I am most certainly scared to work the next time around. I hear ya!
ReplyDeleteI think I would've had a difficult time dealing with students too if I'd been teaching at the time but at the same time working again has been good for me. With this economy finding a low stress/low pressure job isn't easy and going to a new job where people don't know what's happened can be more stressful on the rough days. I wish I could tell you that going back to teaching would be easy but I don't know, I'm glad they've been so supportive though- that's one thing that really helped me with the shop- they understood what I'd been through and on the days I wasn't myself they gave encouragement. Sorry this is all over the place but there are pros and cons to both and ultimately it's up to you. (And don't be afraid to go back and then change your mind if it is too hard)
ReplyDelete