Thursday, June 4, 2009
Dark
Tonight I want to die. Why couldn't I have died along with Ella? Why am I being punished even more by having to go on living after losing my daughter? I feel so stupid. Ive been doing all of these things- therapy, acupuncture, healthy diet- to prepare my body for another baby. A rainbow baby- something to live for. Well I ovulated this week, but let's just say it wasnt in the cards for me this month. How could I have been so stupid to think I would be able to get pregnant right away. Ive been naive. This whole situation is fucked up. I feel like no one gets it. Not my friends, my husband, even my mom get it. I don't understand how I am supposed to go on living.
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I'm so sorry. I've had those moments too- not suicidal but wishing I hadn't lived. Grasping for purpose for Levi's death... the darkness lifted for me eventually and it still returns at times but it's no longer as heavy. I pray that it'll lift for you as well. I know it's hard though- the loneliness on top of the grief.
ReplyDeletePeace, love & hugs
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I remember days when I would come home from work and just sleep the rest of the day. I wasn't tired, but there was nothing that I wanted to do or cared about. All I can tell you is that you will get through it and it does get easier. 4 months after Ada's death was a big turning point for me (everybody's different though!), although I'm not sure why. That was when I got pregnant again, but I was actually feeling pretty good for the week or two before we found out. I'm not saying I don't STILL feel that way sometimes, but it's not nearly as overwhelming or all-consuming.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about nobody understanding, too. My husband was great, and he tried, but really nobody can know what it's like except for other mothers who have been there. That's why I think the whole blogging thing was so extremely helpful. It's a support network - I'm glad you've discovered it! I don't know what I would have done without some of these ladies. We're all here for you, too.
I hate that you are feeling this way. Please know that the sorrow and pain will fade in time. You'll still miss Ella and wish she was here but the physical pain won't be as intense. Not many people can understand how you feel unless they've been there. We're all here for you ANY TIME you need anything. I may be across the country, but i'm always just a call or an email away. Please know that your life has purpose and meaning and you are needed here on Earth. God has something in store for your life - we can't see it now, but it's coming...I have faith that its coming....
ReplyDeletePraying better days for you...
I know this feeling... oh, how well I know this feeling. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you today.
ReplyDeleteSarah
Oh Bree...I know how dark this journey can be...alone and dark. Sometimes it makes it a million times worse knowing that no one really "gets" it. Even the people who love us. I do feel like with time we deal with the pain better. Please know that if you ever need anything I am an email or phone call away. Heck...I need a reason to visit the west coast! :-) Hugs to you friend!
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling so well. Everyday I walk around looking at everyone wishing they would really look at me and they could really know what I am feeling so they can help. But nobody knows. I have to believe that this will get "easier". (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteBree,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I have felt/feel the same way depending on the day. It just becomes too much to bear...but just keep hanging on you are doing better than you think even though you are right, nobody understands!
I get it. It sucks that there are so many people in real life who don't, but I hear you. It sucks not being able to get pregnant when you want, and it sucks living without your precious baby. The reason you have to keep living is so that you can be the best mommy to Ella's siblings, even though at times it feels like it hurts worse to keep breathing and crying. I remember thinking this at times, but you WILL get pregnant again and you WILL get that Rainbow you need so much. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteAh Bree, I know it well too. I thought I would be pregnant straight away. We were forced to have a 3 month wait, so I did all the right things because I was sure I would be expecting by the end of the fourth. But now it's been nine, and still nothing.
ReplyDeleteI know the questions, the whys? Hang in there girl. Just one day at a time. My life is on hold right now and I'm worried that it will be indefinitely.
Just hang in there, know you're not alone, and keep stepping through the sadness until it finds happy again. I'm confident you will find happy. And me too.
xx
Bree,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for what you're going through. Life really does suck sometimes. I have those feelings too. It gets me so angry sometimes that I can't breathe. I just have to agree with the other women who have offered their words of support and encouragement. You will find happiness. There will be more dark times like this, but hopefully more rainbows in your future. Hugs
Hi! I am a friend of Amber's and I just had to introduce myself. About seven years back I delivered my baby (we named her Phoenix Rain) at 22 weeks and she was stillborn. It was absolutely the darkest time of my life and reading your blog had me in tears because it was just such a raw reminder. I promise it does get better. If there is ever any way I can be of help you can reach me at jennifer.quinn@cox.net. I wish you peace.
ReplyDelete