Friday, June 12, 2009

For Ella

I've accomplished a lot this week. I have so many things I'd like to say- all of my thoughts are running together. So for now, I'd like to focus on Ella.

Ella,

Words fail me right now. Simply stated, I miss you. I miss you so much, it hurts.

I think of you day and night.

Sometimes I think about how blessed I am to have had six sweet months with you.

Blessed to have held you in my arms.

Blessed to be your mother.

At other times, I feel angry.

Angry for the way things turned out.

Angry because life seems so unfair.

Angry because everywhere I go I am reminded of all of things I'll never get to do with you.

I wish I knew the reason why you are not here with me today.

I wish I felt your presence more.

I don't know how I'll ever find the strength to move forward.

I am so heartbroken.

Instead of the days getting better, it seems each one gets more difficult.

Ella, I'm sorry I didn't keep you safe.

I love you so very much.

In all that I do, I carry your spirit with me.

4 comments:

  1. AngelaJune 12, 2009 at 4:40 PM

    It's not fair our babies are not here with us, and I agree it gets worse before it gets better. Everyone says it eventually gets a little better and I dont know how, but I am looking forward to that part. Thinking of you and your Ella.

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  2. AnonymousJune 12, 2009 at 8:35 PM

    I almost bought you a butterfly today - I was really thinking of your little Ella all day. She certainly had all the love she will ever need in the short time she had with you. I'm sorry it's still hurting and that it'll never go away. You will always miss her, you will always love her, and you will always be sad that she is not with you. You are a mommy...and a mommy wouldn't feel any other way.

    Kathy

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  3. mrsmuellyJune 12, 2009 at 9:39 PM

    Ella is with you every day. I know it's hard to feel it somedays, though. I also know that nothing makes it feel "okay". Time does help with the healing, but the desire and the longing never go away. She has a piece of your heart - so it makes complete sense.

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  4. LeaJune 13, 2009 at 6:40 PM

    I feel you.

    Thinking of your sweet Ella.... especially each time I see a butterfly.

    xo

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