Memories, Avoidance, and Other Ramblings

I am working on a creating a photobook for Ella and I found myself gazing at these pictures for quite a while. It is difficult to create a photobook knowing this is the only one you will ever make for this child. Sadly, there won't be any new milestones or memories of this child.


This wasn't the original pregnancy test that I took on November 3rd. I took this one about ten days later. I guess I still didn't believe that I was pregnant. My husband put this test in a Ziploc bag and attempted to save it. I told him that it was gross, plus the pregnancy sign would fade away, so I took a picture of it and then disposed of the test. I'm so glad I did that.


These are my favorite ultrasound pictures. This was the first time I saw Ella where she actually looked like a baby. These were the ones I got to show off to everyone on Christmas Day.


Though I hate the conditions this ultrasound was performed under, these are the last pictures I have of my Ella alive.

I've had a pretty shitty weekend. It seems that everywhere I go, I'm surrounded by pregnant women, tiny babies, chocolate brown and blue BOB strollers, and reminders of Father's Day. I wish I wouldn't have moved to this suburban hell. For this reason, I really don't like to go out. I'd love to be a recluse, but sometimes my husband bribes with cupcakes to go out. Such was the case yesterday.

My husband and I are having a difficult time communicating lately. I felt so close to him right after we lost Ella, but gradually we started to grieve differently. Last week, he told me he resented me when he had to work all day and knew that I was at home on the couch. I explained to him that there was no need to feel resentful of me. Why would anyone want to endure my personal hell? I sit on the couch severely depressed, thoughts running through my head a million miles a minute. Yesterday, he told me that he needed a break from me talking about what happened 24 hours a day. I've actually read about this in numerous books about loss. It suggested that couples set aside time each day and put a time limit on talking about the loss. I just don't feel ready yet to put a cap on my grief. And, I resent the fact that I can't talk incessantly about Ella with my own husband. I already feel that I have to withhold saying things to everyone else and guess I have to do it with him now.