Them: "You're Young."
Me: "Yes, I'm young, but that doesn't take away my pain."
Them: "What have you been up to?"
Me: "We'll I had a baby and..."
Them (in their loudest voice): "What? You had a baby? Congratulations. Oh my..."
Me: "She died, she died, you're not hearing me, she died."
Them: "When it's meant to happen, it will happen."
Me: "Gee, thanks for saying that it wasn't meant be, so instead I had to birth my dead daughter, hold her in my arms, and then bury her."
Them: "I'm sorry it's been over a year since I've written. Here's what we've been up to." - Attached- long letter with many many pictures of beautiful children.
Me: "Wow, you're kids look so happy and beautiful. It's good to hear from you. I'm not sure if you've heard, but I've sufferred a great tradegy this year. I..."
Them: "Oh, yes we heard, we are so sorry."
Me: "What, you heard and you didn't think to send an email to say you're thinking about me? You heard and you still sent a letter about your beautiful children knowing that I had just lost mine?"
Me: I walk into a my regular sandwich shop. Owner's wife just had their first baby. Seven- yes, I counted them- seven pictures of the litte one are posted behind the counter. I order my sandwich and then walk outside to have a good cry. A couple of minutes later, I go back in to pick up my sandwich and tell the owner to have a nice summer.
Them: "oh, the school year's over now, huh?"
Me: "Yes, actually mine was over in March, when I delivered my baby who died."
Them: "That's right. I forgot you were expecting too. Oh god, did she die at birth?"
Me: "Yes. You're baby is beautiful. Congratulations."
Me: Watching my coworker who is 26 weeks pregnant open a gift from Gymboree.
Me: Furious. Envious. Jealous.
Trying not to be so damn negative... Really, I am trying. I'll end on a high note. Here is the NICEST thing someone wrote to me this week. It came from a parent at my school:
"I know very few women who embody my definition of a mother – a woman who fiercely and deeply loves their child, who is incredibly connected to that being..and you are one of those women. I admire you for your depth of love."
Me: Crying
Lost Baby Mama's- feel free to vent below.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
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Bree,
ReplyDeleteIt is truly amazing at the stupid things people say. I just cannot get over it. I just cannot get over the stupidity of some people. And they say/do these things without even realizing how bad it hurts. The truth is nobody can realize the pain in this. I am only 25, but I guess people think because I am young, and because Ella was never here living on earth, that I should get over her easily. A lady my mom knows asked how we were doing. She told her we were not doing so good, and were just taking it one day at a time. The lady seemed shocked and couldn't believe we were not better. People just don't get it. And they can't. I don't want anyone to have to go through this, I just wish people would have more compassion, or at least keep their mouths shut.
Angela
I have a post exactly like this from months ago when I would give my internal responses to the dumb things people say. It sucks to have to deal with every comment and gesture with your pain so fresh in your mind. I'm sorry about it all, especially the letter you received with children pictures. I HATED those.
ReplyDeleteMy responses were not internal. I'm pretty proud of myself actually, because I've always been a peace keeper who does always say what's on my mind. I figure I can get away with it right now.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, people just don't know what they don't know...does that make any sense. People live in their own bubbles. It just happens that our bubbles have completely burst. Sadly, there are no longer rose colored glasses for us. Plus, people are just not nice a lot of the time - they are so darn self centered!!! My most hated comment was (and is) "It was God's will" - along the lines of it will happen when it's meant to! Ugghhh!
ReplyDeleteI love the comment from a parent at your school. Definitely keep her close.
Big hugs to you. And big hugs to the parent from school. If only there were more people like her.
ReplyDeleteWhy people speak without thinking is beyond me. Especially when they don't really you, their words of "wisdom" don't really help.
I linked onto your blog from one of the one's that I read regularly and I just had to tell you just how much this post resonated with me. My daughter, Lily, died last August and I have received some of the most ignorant and most insensitive comments...from well-meaning people (I think) and it can be so frustrating.
ReplyDeleteStay strong...
Bree, your blog is amazing...so many of your entries hit home with me. I had to respond to this one. My son was stillborn on December 8, 2005. I was 32 weeks pregnant. We do not know the cause of his death but the doctors believe there might have been a blood clot in the cord. I remember when he was born a co-worker of mine came over to visit, I delievered at the same hospital where I work and she told me, "you will have another one", I just glared at her. If I had not been so drugged I probably would have screamed at her. I have heard this comment so many times..I should have told her, really so when your mom or dad passes away are you going to go out and find a new one? NO!! My husband's grandparents actually asked us when we were going to put his pictures away b/c the longer we keep looking at them the longer we will be sad. My husband told her okay so when you die we will not talk about you ever again and I will never look at your picture. My husband and I decided we could write a book about what you should NEVER say to someone that is grieving. I have been on this journey for almost 4 years now, gosh I cannot believe I am writing that...4 years and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I am glad I found your blog. Your entries bring back so many feelings and I am sad to know another mommy is going through this but find comfort in knowing we are not alone.
ReplyDeletePeople are rude and insensitive! Seriously! I am so sorry that people said those things to you. I have a list of lovely things I have been told as well...many of which you have heard I am sure. I am so proud of you for speaking your mind! So proud! :-)
ReplyDeleteGood for you!! Maybe instead of giving you a "pass" because you're grieving, these people will actually use your feedback as a learning opportunity on what NOT to say. Probably not, but hey, we can hope! :)
ReplyDeleteI seriously think that it would be possible to write a book made completely up of posts written by grieving bloggers... I don't know why it's so damn hard for people to just say "I'm sorry" without any the asinine platitudes that seem to pop out immediately. Argh.
Ok, I'll stop ranting into your comment box now -- dunno if you can tell that this topic is a pet peeve of mine!?!
hugs,
S
I just wanted to share stupid things said by my own mother:
ReplyDelete2 days after delivering my daughter: "Did she have a soul?"
And a week after, when I got her ashes back and had them put in her memory box:
Mom: That's something you can have buried with you when you die.
Me: Uh, well, I uh, I don't really think I want to be buried - I'd rather be cremated, too.
Mom: Oh. Well, then you can bury her with me!!
Me: silent, picking up jaw off the floor...
You can laugh, I sure did. She can't help herself, she lost the filter between her brain and her tongue. :D
Oh, and I love reading your blog. Tomorrow's a month that we said goodbye to our Leila, born at 19 wks 5 days. And I get so much comfort from reading what others are thinking. Thank you for sharing!